Sunday, July 7, 2019

Pills and Packets

I still weigh 220. Ughhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

I am sitting here staring at the pills and packets and trying to make a decision. Do I keep half-ass flailing around with low carbing and intermittent fasting (which has worked in the past but for whatever reason I have been unable to stick to for more than a day this time around... SO HUNGRY) or do I go back to something else that worked? I have the phentermine, but taking half a pill does basically nothing for me anymore. I CAN take a whole pill. I don't think I ever have. Maybe a whole pill would give me energy, cut my appetite and rev up my metabolism. I also have, as weird and maybe gross as it sounds, old packets of Medifast, Wonderslim, and Optavia from, like, YEARS ago. I don't even know how expired these things are. But they're mostly powder so, how bad could they be? I have enough for probably a month of strict Medifast using all 3 brands. But I have my million reasons why not to, right?

No fruit! No flexibility! Packets are so boring! Ugh, embarrassing! Who the heck knows. But I can't keep maintaining at 220. This is NOT a weight that works for me. At all. And before you say "just count calories and eat healthy," if it were that simple we'd all be thin. I obviously have food issues. Oh, there's an OA nearby that I have never been to, so maybe I can start going to that as well. Who even knows? But I am so super unmotivated and unhappy about my weight, and right now it's really just going to come down to pills, packets, or staying in this unwell state.


Anonymous said...

Eating years-expired packaged food during the height of summer with it’s delicious array of fruits and veggies is cruel and unusual punishment. It’s only been a week of maintaining. You haven’t gained. Take a breath and try not to panic. Enjoy the summer produce and get outside. Work in the yard a little. Then maybe check out OA. Check in with your therapist, if you have one. Hugs to you.

Rose Sperlonga said...

Pills and packets don't work. You know this, and this is why you haven't done them again. You can keep trying that, but the outcome is once off the rails you gain instantly. There isn't anything magic about weight gain or loss... we all know this... and we are all here because of one thing in common, gaining or losing!

Losing is fun!

Gaining Sucks big time! And no matter what anyone says , they've all gained at some point or another. So , what can you do? Stop beating yourself up!
Second: You had a traumatic accident that happened to you! And I for one, don't think you've processed the whole thing yet. I'm not a doctor nor play one on tv.. :) Just a thought I have about you. Because I've been through something traumatic and if you don't seek help and get those thoughts or angst away from you , you'll be stuck in one place!
I never thought I would need any type of therapy but I did.

Try it and then decide. Give it a shot.

I wish you the best of luck!

Anonymous said...

Are you serious? How did that work last time? You should take some time and relax for a second. Panic does not create the best plans. I would check in with your counselor and find an EDA meeting, not OA. Eating Disorders Anon is a better fit for many people because OAs model is rather outdated and not supported by what we now know about Eating Disorders. There are tons of phone meetings and online meetings. Either way it is crystal clear that you need help, friend. You are spinning in circles.

Anonymous said...

Real, whole foods (non packaged) > pills and packets any day!!

Anonymous said...

So you're standing there with your poop spoon getting ready to dig into some Medifast pudding? Sounds about right.

Sunny in Arizona said...

Hi Lyn, I have a very non-traditional diet idea for you. Do you by any chance have crooked teeth you would like to fix? I recently got invisalign to fix my teeth, and a happy by product of that decision is that I have lost 10 pounds in 2 months. I have combined IF, and Invisalign, and it's been the easiest weight loss ever. You can read about an article this guy wrote about his experience I have another 3 months on the alginers, and I am frankly a little worried that I will gain my weight back. I am thinking about wearing them even after my teeth are totally fixed. They are a nice "5 minute" distraction, which gives me time to think through my hunger, then usually the temptation goes away. Best of luck to you Lyn!

Yuubou said...

Lyn, I've been reading your blog since your first round of Medifast.
I started it around the same time as you; like you I lost a bunch of weight, about 50lbs over 6 months, only to gain it back a year or so later after a big life change.
The past 5 years I've also spent on and off dieting, gaining and losing the same 10lbs.
About 18 months ago, I started IF as well and was able to lose about 40 lbs, which I've kept off so far, but lately its been harder to stick to. Maybe this is just life - always a struggle just trying to struggle at a smaller weight.
Anyway, my IF was a bit stricter than yours - I did 5:2, working my way up to alternate day fasting. Basically, I also ate between noon and 8pm, but some days I entirely skipped eating, so a 40 hr fast 2 days a week (or more). The heavier you are, its actually easier to stick to, once you get over the initial hump.
If you are interested, I'd suggest reading Dr. Fung's blog. It's quite inspirational and interesting. Basically the goal is to fix your insulin hormones, and by lowering those, promote fat loss. Here's a link to Dr. Fung's blog.
Good luck

Anonymous said...

Have you had your insulin tested? Maybe try Metformin again?

Anonymous said...

If I may ask: Are you eating mindlessly? Are you eating because you are sad/upset? Are you eating because you just don't care any longer? Are you eating because you are stressed and it temporarily makes you feel better? Are you eating to punish yourself for something? Some other reason? I am genuinely curious. I think if you can come to terms with why you are "off plan", I think you can get ahold of the eating and find it easier to get back to where you want to be.

Kerstin said...

Hi Lyn, your struggle is so palpable through your writing! When I read this post I just kept thinking: “she is in major resistance.” And I wonder, why are you resisting this so much? IF/low carb does work - if you stick to it. What if the reason you’re struggling with this is not the actual diet plan but something else? What if there are deeper reasons why you ‘prefer’ to stay in the ‘unwell state?”

I’ve got something for you to read. It’s a program I started creating earlier this year, I only got to 4 ‘lessons’ and then my resistance got the better of me as well and I chucked it all in again. The first lesson was all about “the fear of being slim” and looked at possible reasons why we keep sabotaging the actions we need to take to be healthier/slimmer. When I reached my absolute low point a few weeks ago (at my highest ever weight, 267) I dug out that lesson and started journaling about it. It helped so much and I was able to finally get my head into the right place again.

Maybe it’s time for you to try something different? Maybe look at your resistance and figure out what really is behind it and maybe that will help you get back on track.

You have all the knowledge you need to do this, you also
have all the knowledge to know that pills and packaged food are NOT the solution.

Here is the ‘lesson’, I’ve opened it up for you and truly hope that you will find something helpful here:


MaryFran said...

Don’t despair. Put away the packets and pills for now. You can always get them back out later if you feel the need. Instead focus on the IF and the types and amounts of food you are taking in. A couple things struck me from your post.

1. You maintained! That means you halted the weight GAIN! You maintained! Celebrate! And think. Can you turn a ship totally around easily? No. This past week was about halting the gain. Now it’s time to start the loss.....IF you don’t give up and go off the rails!

2. You admitted that you only did your plan in a half ass manner. Why don’t you try to really give it your all this week. Think in this’s only ONE measly little week. Surely you can do it for a week! Commit to one week ONLY. Tell yourself that after the week is up all bets are’s just this week! See how you do for that one week. You can recommit to another week at that time if you want. Just one week!

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with the person above. Take a deep dive into Jason Fung's IDM blog and if you haven't already, read the Obesity Code. I have basically been doing the 16:8 version of IF for about two months now and am working my way to One Meal a Day. My weight has never caused health issues, but the older I get it's starting to cause issues and I'm terrified of Type 2 diabetes. I'm viewing fasting through the lens of cleaning up my body (fasting literally cleans your cells i.e autophagy) and not so much JUST the weight loss. I am finding fasting very freeing. When you get down to basics, it is very just don't eat.You are giving your body a break to rest and repair. One person I've stumbled across who is so relatable is a young woman named Kayla Cox. Her pod cast and YouTube videos are called Six Miles to Supper. Check those out for some possible inspiration.

Anonymous said...

I have very similar food issues to you and have yo-yo'd well over 100 lbs multiple times. OA didn't work for me, I just can't get behind the 12 steps/powerless/higher power thing. If it does work for you, that is awesome. I did start going to SMART recovery meetings which I really enjoy. The vast majority of people at the ones I go to have alcohol or drug issues, but I certainly can relate to them. And the program is based on CBT. You can find the tools/worksheets online for free and even download the whole handbook for free on Amazon if you do a trial of Kindle Unlimited.
I would love to go to a group where everyone understands food issues, but the format and methods of smart work much better than OA for me, so I step outside my comfort zone to be there.

I also started doing one on one therapy which is very helpful. Expensive, but helpful.

Anonymous said...

Interesting about EDA vs OA. I looked at their site and agree it is much more in line with current knowledge on eating disorders. Sadly, no meetings anywhere near me (even driving an hour+) - and I am in Dallas, so not a rural area.

I will say accepting I have an eating disorder totally changed how I tackled the problem vs the constant self-flagellation. I still need to fix my issues, but over restriction is actually just the other side of the eating disorder coin. Make your goal to heal your eating disorder vs get weight off asap.

JeanneTops said...

I agree with all those above who have urged you to forgo the packets and pills. All of their advice is pretty good but, I imagine you're thinking, "I've tried all that too."

When we're on an upward trajectory the first few days (or weeks) of stopping are extremely hard because stopping is hard and it takes more than a few days (or weeks) for results to show up. What we lack in those early days are positive thoughts about ourselves which are so critical to keep us going. The pills and packets are placebos - if you believe they will work, then they do. You're thinking that something outside of yourself was what made you successful but it wasn't. It was you and the power you gave them - nothing else.

I'm sorry to be one more person to pile on advice but you need to make up your mind that you can control your eating and believe it. And what more evidence do you need that you are capable of it than all the times you've already done it? I wish you could see that it wasn't the type of diet, it wasn't the pills, it wasn't the packets - it was YOU.

Crush every thought that comes forth that tells you "this is too hard", "I can't do this now because of xxx", "First, I have to do/get/fix XXX." Yes, it's hard, yes, you have some really tough obstacles in your way, yes, you've had some bad breaks. It's your "addict brain" as Sean Anderson calls it, that is generating those thoughts. Figure out what you need to do to ride through them and to shut them down. They are blocking you from seeing the evidence right in front of your eyes (in this blog) that you can overcome all obstacles, that you can do what is really hard and you can turn this weight gain around. You've done it before and you will do it again.

JeanneTops said...

One more piece of advice: buy some new clothes. Don't let your clothes be a constant reminder of "failure." Get something cheap, something comfortable, just a few that you wear over and over until they're too big and you can throw them out at the end of summer. If you keep stretching our your current clothes, you're going to have to buy new ones anyway when you lose the weight.

BB said...

Nothing you’ve tried in the past has *actually* worked or you wouldn’t be where you are now. It’s not about the diet, pills, or packets. It’s your mindset. When you change your habits, you’ll lose weight. Diets are an illusion — they only work short term and who wants to be miserable and work so hard to lose weight only to regain it again? Not me. What’s your blood sugar like? How would you eat or move your body to feel good and nourish yourself? Certainly not by giving it amphetamines and pseudo-food. Going to OA is not a bad idea for the step work but watch out for picking up a food plan or abstinence masquerading as another diet. Seriously, focus on adding real vegetables to every meal you eat and going for a. walk to clear your mind. You think all these other things are quick fixes and you need to lose the weight fast, but here you are. If you could lose 20 pounds a year without having to brute force iron will and never regain, would you do it? That’s the question you have to get right with. Get off the roller coaster and stop living in this hell.

Anonymous said...

Having read your ups and downs for years now, it seems to me as though your concept of delicious is an overriding factor to all of your dieting. You engage in severe deprivation and then eat as if you are not on a diet during social or other situations. I can recall so many reasons why you cannot exercise; it's always something. I don't think you want to give up your favorites and I don't think you like to be active. I have gone up and down in the scale department and right now and probably for forever, I am doing Weight Watchers. It just seems so easy. It isn't quick but does that really matter? I do it online--no meetings. I am on several FB support sites. I have lost 32 pounds in 18 weeks. It is not an instantaneous fix but all those quick fixes lead to quick regain. I am very active despite being overweight. I was active despite needing two new knees which ultimately I got but in the meantime, I just grimaced but went out and did things that I loved to do like tennis and biking. I had a herniated disc but got back to my beloved activities as soon as it was feasible. I had breast cancer and kept active throughout chemo and radiation. It just seems like not being active is your go-to. I don't think exercise really is the biggest factor in weight loss but it gives an alternative to eating. Your life will be fine at your present weight but you do seem to be miserable. You don't need to be miserable unless you are committed to retreating from life and finding whatever peace you find in filling yourself with comfort food. P.S. I went to three session of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy prior to starting WW. It made a huge difference in identifying factors and thought processes contributing to my secret life of eating.

Anonymous said...

Look up Phit & Phat Corrine Crabtree. I am just like's not a diet plan it's a get your mind right plan. 4 basics
Make a 24 hr plan and stick to it to. (donuts can be on as long as you stick to the plan)
Drink Water
Sleep 7-8 hrs
Eat only when you are hungry. REPEAT eat only when you're hungry.
This has helped me.

Anonymous said...

What about Weight Watchers? They have so many tools now and they really do focus more on the mental part of eating/dieting. Meetings would be a great place to listen, learn and share.

Margie from Toronto said...

I feel your pain - believe me, I've been on every diet known to man. What now works for me is following Dr. Jason Fung and "The Obesity 'code" - as someone above mentioned. He has a number of videos on Youtube. I also recommend Dr. Peter Berg's videos - he is keto but both of them recommend lots of veg, moderate protein and more fat than you've probably eaten in years.
This is recommended by my GP and my cardiologist and I have a friend who has also been placed on this program by her doctors. She is diabetic and has already come off one med and lowered another.

May I ask what you ate when doing LC?

I tend to eat two meals a day - around 11am and again at 6pm and I eat a lot! Bacon and eggs and leftover veg for brunch and a huge salad of mixed greens and just about any other veg I can find in the fridge along with some protein for supper. I cook with olive oil and butter and put butter on may steamed veg. The fat content means that I'm just not hungry.

I'd already lost 63 pounds - then got a bit careless over the winter and slipped back into those comfort carbs but I'm back on the program now. 3 weeks ago I couldn't even button my size 14 jeans no matter how hard I struggled - Friday night I decided to give them another try to see how I was doing - not only did they button up but they zipped up as well - with no effort!

Dr. Fung will explain why starving ourselves hasn't worked all these years - and just so you know he's not some quack - he's a kidney specialist here in Toronto who was astonished at the number of people he was treating with kidney failure due to type II diabetes and decided to find a way to help them. He is very down to earth and completely acknowledges the fact that we all need a cheat now and again. His attitude is - it's your birthday - have a piece of cake. If it's Christmas, enjoy yourself with the family for a day or two - we are all entitled to the occasional treat.

Try not to beat yourself up - good luck.

Anonymous said...

I mean this in the most respectful way, but I honestly can’t believe that you ever thought that you would maintain/lose weight while eating bacon, salami, cheese, and avocados all of then time. There must be a deep craving for fat and salt. I became a vegetarian over 2 years ago, and after the initial detox, my overall food cravings have decreased greatly. Good luck again......I enjoy your blog and wish you the best

Lyn said...

Such great comments, and I want to answer each one! I can't though, but I did read and re-read them and will take some of your words to heart.

OA, will try. Counselor, yes, restarting weekly. Self love? YES, it's been lacking! Overwhelmed? Most certainly... and yes to still a bit traumatized from the accident and my daughter's medical stuff and my pending medical stuff. Standing still because I can't. So little steps, yes. And fat and salt? Yes!! I don't do keto but I think bacon is amazing and if I had an avocado I would salt it and eat half of it instead of nuts! Looking into your other suggestions and moving forward. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Take a look at

The blog and podcast are free. You can also become a member for a monthly fee and take advantage of many more resources, but there's plenty of free stuff to keep you busy for quite a while. (I think you'd enjoy the additional social support of becoming a member -- you've often talked about feeling alone and unsupported in your struggles, in your diet and in life.) HalfSizeMe is a mix of diet and exercise advice, but the most valuable stuff (to me) is that which focuses on mindset. The diet that works is the one you can stick to, and so many of the things you've tried seem unsustainable to me. HalfSizeMe is focused on dieting with an eye toward maintenance. Folks here have mentioned CBT, which I hear good things about; I'm also planning to look into DBT (dialectical behavior therapy). I say this as someone older than you who lost ~150 lbs and is relosing from a large gain after a life setback. As long as we dust ourselves off and learn from our "mistakes," we can move forward. Good Luck!


Anonymous said...

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Great advice