Saturday, December 1, 2018

December 1, 2018: The Start of a Regain


I'm back for my monthly update and the news isn't good. It looks a whole lot like the start of a massive regain to me.

On November 1, I weighed 178 pounds... my lowest weight this year. Today I am sad to report that I am up ten pounds to 188. Ten pounds in one month. And I know exactly what that ten pounds is made of. Fast food, candy, cookies, carbs, and junk. It's also made of pain, loneliness, anxiety, and tears. The fallout from my car accident has been big, but I know I don't have any real excuse for eating so much all the time. I'm not even trying anymore, to be honest. All doctor's appointments end with a trip through a drive through. All cravings and thoughts for something easy and convenient that I imagine might soothe my feelings for a bit are indulged. Frozen pizzas. Salami sandwiches. Anything my family cooks is eaten without discrimination. Long gone are the days of 1/4 cup of mashed potatoes as a side with meat and vegetables; instead. they are heaped on my plate with abandon, covered in gravy, and devoured. The calm is gone with food. And so is the ability to be satisfied with a bite or a taste. I can eat a heaping bowl full of chips and not get half the satisfaction I used to get with just 5 chips. Everything's changed.

I tried taking phentermine this week and skipping some of the pain meds, but somehow, phentermine did nothing at all. Instead of getting the calm back and reducing my appetite, it did nothing at all, even on the highest dose. But then I kind of knew it would be that way. My peace was taken in that crash and I haven't gotten it back yet, and that is the one essential element to my keeping off the weight.

I don't know what to do, because I honestly have no motivation to stop. Well, other than knowing that if I gain 5 more pounds NONE of my clothes will fit. Literally none. Stuff is tight already. I don't have much more room for failure.

I had to reschedule my counseling appointment this week so didn't get in at all. That didn't help. I did get cleared to start physical therapy next week, which I don't understand HOW I am going to do it without hurting myself, but they're the experts. So we'll see. I don't want to get on the scale anymore. I don't want any vegetables. I just want to sit here and eat everything that anyone brings in, and Christmas is the season for plenty of dropped-off foods. I dunno, sadly, I feel like I just don't care.

I don't know where this is headed (well, I mean, obviously I am either going to stay like I am and keep gaining, or find a way to stop and either maintain or lose), but if I could just finish healing physically and be done with the pain and restrictions, I feel like I'd get my old life... and peace... back.

33 comments:

Meara said...

Hi—I’ve been reading your blog for a couple years now, ever since I found you while googling for medifast stuff (I lost weight on that for the first time in my life! But eventually gained it back a year or so later). I recently broke my leg and had to have surgery (so can’t even get on a scale really!) and just was cleared for PT this week too! I hear you on the pain and the frustration. I’m cheering you on and I hope you can get your sense of calm back.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn - Just now caught up with your story, hun. DO NOT BE DOWN ON YOURSELF. You cannot be expected to be calm around food when your body is broken and your mind is encouraging you to use familiar comfort foods for self-care. Your family needs you to be happy during this happy time of the year and to get well on your own schedule. Just think, you have another grand baby on the way. How exciting is that!

You rocked the phentermine like nobody’s business before and you will again when you are back to normal. As they say s—-t happens and you had something very bad and unavoidable happen to you. Do the best you can, do not despair, pick up some inexpensive comfy clothes at Walmart or the thrift store, relax, try to enjoy this season of your life. You are totally worth it, girl. ~Lenore

Anonymous said...

Oh Lyn. I’m so sorry that you’re in your head on this. You’ve had a trauma. Give yourself room to heal... without the expectations.

I don’t have any advice for you. I think you know what to do. And how to do it.

Don’t let this accident take more time from you. In a year you can look back at this as a turning point- something that made you stronger.

You have what it takes to get through this. Cris

Anonymous said...

This is an unfortunate situation but i don't understand why you are so passive about your circumstances. You seen resigned to gaining weight like some how you are a victim in all of this. I hope you can find the courage to address this before the progress you have made last year is reversed.

Anonymous said...

I'm wondering what kept you away from the counselling appointment. Was it fear or an actual conflict? I'm not trying to be rude in any way, I know if it were me I'd likely find any reason not to go, because going would make me be accountable to another real human being. I've been a member of weight watchers, TOPS, nutri-system and a doctor's weight loss plans. Each time I started going off the rails I avoided facing it. Then way after the fact I went back and faced the music..... and the weight gain, but only after I was finished gaining. There is something about not being able to face what was in front of me as it happened. Only after. I've spent so much time trying to figure out why. If I understood why I was gaining maybe I could have stopped sooner. The reality was at that very time I buried myself in denial, food and I hid all the food I overate. I'm hoping you can get on top of this right away. I think the calm you felt can be yours again. It will take a professional to help you find the right tools to do it. Keep blogging and fighting it Lyn, I too have felt exactly this fear. I do wish I had a magic answer for you... but for now I just offer support as a reader.
Theresa

Bloggophereo said...

You can do it, Lynn. You've made it to where you are, based on grit and determination. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps I am wrong, but after reading your blog for so many years it's seems that the heart of the problem is that you lack coping strategies? Like, you were able to be calm about food and loose the weight recently because you were not experiencing any trauma in your life, at least none that tested you. And when you did experience it, you could only use the only coping mechanism you have (eating to suppress feelings, rather than facing them). This is not said as a critism or an attack, just an observation. Perhaps developing coping mechanisms (that does not include food) is the answer - something to discuss with and that your councillor could assist with?

Wishing you a speedy recovery
X

Anonymous said...

Lyn, cron anon here. I feel so bad for you right now. I've been where you are and I've always thought that I was fighting my own like, evil horrible greedy lazy impulses, but I wasn't. Honestly. I was just eating the wrong food in the wrong way. I know that seems super "pat" like I'm here to sell you something (ew) but I'm NOT, because actually the junk people try to sell you is the problem, I think.

One of the things that I think keeps tripping you up is your attachment to processed food and sugar. I'm not saying this to criticize, I'm saying it because eating processed foods and sweets and trying to control your portions is a little bit like slamming on the gas pedal and the brake simultaneously. It's uncomfortable and harmful and ultimately will break you.

I gave up eating processed foods in favor of whole foods (from all food groups... no restrictions... any meat, any vegetable, any fruit, any whole grain that I prepared myself at home, plain unsweetened dairy products--I choose low- or no-fat mostly so that they will give me more protein) back in October. Plain preparations--no elaborate sauces or anything, vegetables mostly steamed. I limit my portions of fats and starches. My main condiment is hot sauce and tons of spices. NOTHING with sugar or hydrogenated oils. Also, no fake desserts made of other things. I'll add plain no-sugar cocoa powder and pumpkin to my oatmeal in the morning, but no sweeteners, just spices. In addition, I do weigh and measure most things that I eat, mostly so that I feel reassured I am eating the right amounts--neither too much nor too little. It takes fiddling to find out the right amounts of everything for your body I think.

For me, it had the same effect as phentermine seems to have had for you. The intense struggle with and magnetic attraction to food went away. The food I eat is tasty and delicious to me, but I don't want to eat it past the point of fullness, and even if I do, it's still not that many calories. For instance, I can eat a full pound of riced cauliflower with my dinner for about 100 calories. I'm very full afterwards, but it doesn't impact my weight loss. I've lost more than 10 pounds in 2 months and I was already at a normal weight to begin with. In fact, I'm going to need to consciously increase my portions in order to plateau my weight before it gets too low.

Plus, this way I'm able to have a full stomach and lose weight at the same time, which I could never do when I ate processed foods like fake Halo Top style ice cream, etc. I don't feel constantly hungry, though I do feel some hunger between meals. It's oddly easier to tolerate hunger this way too, due to less blood sugar fluctuation.

It just seems like you are sabotaging yourself by eating this type of food when you could eat a TON of whole foods (non-starchy vegetables at every meal are a must for me) and feel satiated and healthy.

The other thing I do is eat on a schedule. Breakfast at 8:30, lunch around 1:00, dinner between 7 and 8. That way I'm not fighting with my body and confusing my hunger signals by eating at odd times.

The emotional component of eating has never rung true for me, personally. I've had a long, long history of disordered eating, yeah. But I'm not an emotional eater like I used to think I was. Nope. Instead, eating highly processed foods was a quasi-addictive behavior that was rewarding enough to act as an emotional soother. But once I gave those up, I did not emotionally eat the whole foods that make up my diet now. There isn't that urge. I feel emotional eating goes hand in hand with addictive processed foods and if you stop eating those, the emotional part can drop away as well. That's just my feeling.

I wish you would focus on treating food as something that can help you have a healthy body and mind, rather than something that yo uneed to fight. I wish I could come over and cook you some delicious vegetable and meat stews. Be well.

Carole Medley said...

Chin up, Lyn. I feel your pain. No advice from me; you know more than I do about emotional eating (I am an expert at DOING it, just not an expert on the mechanism for it). I do know this, though: you will not have a joyful holiday if you are out of control with the eating. Choose happiness, and treat your body the way that makes it happy.

Anonymous said...

It’s really hard to not know what to do when you have no motivation and see a path heading where you don’t want to go, feeling unable to get off it.

I’m in a similar position, except minus the car accident as the trigger. I’m not sure what my trigger is. Utterly overpowering unhealthy habits have taken over.

And I don’t know the answer either.

I’m trying to acknowledge the pain and lean into it a bit to better know this side of me and my options and possibilities.

Trying to be compassionate with myself because the loathing only makes it worse.

Reading your situation has helped me feel less alone. So thank you for your courage to share the pleasure and the pain.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn, no advice and no condemnations. I just want to say I'm praying for your recovery and I hope you find your peace with food again. You're not alone. I've been cheering you on for years (from the sidelines). Jo.

Steph said...

Lynn, don't give up! I've lost and maintained a huge amount of weight and it's a daily struggle. It's never to late.

MaryFran said...

Look at this as a learning experience! It’s a horrible experience...but what can you learn from it? I would dare say that you can learn that even in pain, frustrated and limited that you can still take care of yourself. The medication is only a crutch...reach deep inside and decide to stop the progression on your own! At the very least reign yourself in until you can successfully take the meds again to help restrict your cravings. Use this time to learn peace and happiness through your willfilul choices! That said, I know that the sense of pride I had when I managed some willful choice when it came to my food addiction was the best feeling!!! You can do it!!!! Don’t give up!!!

Anonymous said...

My advice would be to try to maintain (even at 188) throughout the holiday.

Lyn said...

Thank you for the encouragement, the suggestions, the sympathy and the compassion. It is much appreciated. I feel like I may be getting depressed.

I have an appointment with my counselor today and hope that helps. I am supposed to start physical therapy this week to but never got a call. I don't really feel like it but I will call and see if they are ready to schedule me. I'd rather (emotionally) sit home and wait and feel my sad feelings all day (while trying to drown them in food), but I know I have to take a step to end this. Maybe getting in to PT will perk me up.

Janet said...

First... breathe. Second... know that peace will be yours again. Third... while ten pounds seems like a ton of weight, (not surprising, given how down in the dumps you feel) it's not 100 pounds. It's only ten pounds... any way you look at it, it's just ten pounds, despite how you feel right now or an hour/day/week from now.

You move forward one moment at a time. One second at a time. You move forward and combat cravings with meditation and gratitude for the abilities you have and reminding yourself that you CAN and WILL get through this setback.

I had the same experience with phentermine. It worked until it no longer worked and then, it worked AGAINST me until all hope and motivation was long gone! It was like a thunderbolt came down and took away everything I believed about my ability to lose weight and maintain my weight loss. It's a nasty, cruel drug that, in my opinion, shouldn't be given to anyone because of the false sense of security it promotes and gives people that LEAST need/should be lied to. The struggle to lose weight is hard enough, without having the rug pulled out from under us when we least expect or need it most.

If you haven't already picked it up, please consider reading (working through) the Appetite Awareness Workbook by Linda W. Craighead. I promise you, it will help turn around your thinking and use of food for anything other than physical hunger.

Reading your post broke my heart because I've been where you are. You feel like you're climbing a greased pole; left wishing you'd found a way to stop the slide before you suddenly woke up 100 pounds heavier (which does feel like it happens overnight).

Hang in there, Lyn. Get the workbook. Know and believe you can and will lose these 10 pounds that you've gained and regain the peace that's missing from your life right now.

Deep breaths, sweet girl.

xo

JeanneTops said...

I hope it helps knowing that there are total strangers reading your blog who care about you. We all see ourselves when we read what you write and I think our comments back are as much, if not more, advice we're giving ourselves than advice we're giving you. So I'm going to try not to give you advice but just make two comments:

You wrote: "My peace was taken in that crash and I haven't gotten it back yet, and that is the one essential element to my keeping off the weight. I don't know what to do, because I honestly have no motivation to stop. Well, other than knowing that if I gain 5 more pounds NONE of my clothes will fit." LOL. We all know that clothes not fitting are never enough motivation - we wouldn't have the problem to begin with if they were. :-) But I want to say something that may be tough: the crash has changed your life and I don't believe it will ever go back to the way it was. I"m not saying you won't heal and your depression won't lift. Both those things are going to happen, I'm sure of that. I think you will find a new peace, a new way of being yourself but it won't be the same as the old way. I think you will find a way, as you create the new way of being you, to take off the weight you have or you will gain. It's hard to change especially when change is forced upon you. We long for the old way which looks rosier and rosier the more it recedes into the past. When you start the hard work of taking charge of YOU again, when the depression lifts, then you will take charge of the eating again too.

Second, I'm impressed with your honesty and openness in what you write on your blog and I see it as a very hopeful sign. When I've gone through this, I've "ghosted" my online friends for years while I gained back all the lost weight. I thought it didn't matter anymore and I didn't want to face them - even if only through a screen. I was wrong and I hope I've learned that lesson. I hope you keep writing. Good or bad, up or down, a little or a lot, keep being honest with yourself and the world.

One small piece of advice which I gave last time as well: get back on the scale. Embrace what's going on as completely and honestly as you can.

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is still time to stop yourself from regaining. Do you listen to podcasts? If so, you may be interested in listening to "Half Size Me". It's helped me so much in my lifelong struggle with weight. I've been part of that community for the last year and over that time I've lost 50 pounds. It's all about a Maintenance Mindset, making small changes that you can do for a lifetime, which results in slow and maintainable weight loss. I wish you the best!

Lyn said...

Janet~

Thank you. I just ordered the workbook from abebooks for $3.50 shipped. It will give me something to work on during all this "down time."

JeanneTops~

Yes, it helps so very much. Knowing I am not alone, that people do care and relate and are taking their time to read and respond here... it is a healing thing in and of itself. I feel connected to you and others who share the same kinds of feelings and experiences with me, and talk about it here. It helps being "heard." Thank you. And yes to the scale... no more head in the sand.

last Anon~

I know people have recommended that podcast to me before. I will give it a listen this time. I am not able to get up and do much, but I can lie down and listen. Thanks!

Cynthia said...

Been reading your blog a long long time. I'm sorry you are in pain. I'm also in pain, from a fall I took in mid-October. It appears I have broken a scaphoid bone in my right wrist. Possibly also in the left. Should know tomorrow and very scared. These bones can be really problematical to heal because of poor blood supply. Before the fall, I'd been doing exercises for knee pain, unfortunately the fall banged up my knees pretty badly as well. And has done something to my left shoulder and back. So I've lost over a month at the gym and my knees are hurting a lot. My husband has to drive me everywhere, open things for me, carry stuff for me, it's awful.

If my left arm has to be cast, I won't even be able to wipe myself after using the toilet for #2. It's depressing, at best. Time in a cast for this is usually 3 months. Possibly 6 months. With physical therapy after. If healing doesn't happen, I could be stuck with osteoarthritis in both hands.

Thing is, I have to be grateful I'm alive, that I didn't hit my head or break my neck. I have to believe I can heal, even if at 61, I'm not sure how likely that is. I had dreams of buying a rower to keep exercise up when winter kicks in and I may not be able to get to the gym. (We live on a steep hill, freezing rain makes it very treacherous.) Those dreams are out. Money for the rower will now go to medical bills as I can't row anyway. Winter is extremely depressing, we get tons of freezing fog and rarely see sun. So it's going to be tough. Will do my best. I spend some days crying, but trying to keep a positive outlook.

I had dreams of getting a graphics tablet for digital editing to help with a hobby. That's out for now, can't badly hold a pen to sign my name currently.

But I've made progress on weight loss, not much, 24 pounds in the last several years. Slow, but I don't want to regain, it won't help my knees and it won't help the pain I'm in. It can only make things worse for me.

I'm pressing on. What little exercise I can do, I do. I am taking supplements to hopefully help healing. I'm trying to eat healthy even though any kind of cooking or meal prep is difficult. I can barely manage the teapot to make tea.

I was in PT earlier this year for my knees, I think it will help you. It may hurt. But feeling like you are doing SOMETHING to help heal yourself feels good. So it may indeed perk you up! Meanwhile, lay off the junk food. I want some SO bad. But I know it will only hurt the healing process, not help. Try to remember that healthy food can taste great too! Hubby took me to Walmart yesterday after my workout, we ate Subway salads. Tasted wonderful. Wanted a cookie, but didn't ask. Didn't need it, need to give my body is best chance to heal.

You can do this. I keep telling myself to "Suck it up, Buttercup." It's bad. But I'm alive and that's good. Think of the good things in life, Live for those, not food. Be grateful for what you have, take things a step at a time.

In spite of all of this, I hit a new low weight yesterday. 221 pounds. If I can, you can. Even if all you do is stop now and maintain where you are at, you will be thankful later. Don't let it all slide back after so much effort!

You've been strong enough to get this far, that's REALLY STRONG, gal! I mean it! So you are strong enough to maintain for now while you heal. And your body will thank you for healthier eating by healing quicker.

LHA said...

Lyn, I am sorry you are having such a struggle! I can identify completely. One year ago there was a family event that was extremely stressful for me and for which there was no real solution. It was something I had been struggling with finding an answer for over a period of years but things worsened past the point of my being able to accept or bear the situation. I vividly remember feeling overwhelmed and desperate, then going in the grocery store last November, heading straight for the bakery section. That was the start of overeating and throwing hard fought new habits to the wind. I am still struggling to regain my equilibrium and it is hard! There have been many times when the trip straight to the bakery section has been repeated. I have learned that sugar hits the same brain receptors that alcohol does and my overeating is just another form of addiction when I get hooked on sugar and high carb foods. It's a coping mechanism, but not a healthy one. There is good news here though. You have gained only a small amount of your lost weight. You are aware and being honest about your feelings. You have some help in place in the form of counseling and PT coming up. You are brave and capable of beating this! I am still maintaining a very large chunk of weight lost in spite of all the stress eating and poor choices because I refuse to give up! I know you will get that feeling too. Hang in there, do what you can each day to eat healthfully, be kind to yourself and work on your physical recovery. I truly believe the rest will follow. Good luck, and thanks for blogging. It helps many people that you are so honest.

Lyn said...

Cynthia~

Wow, that is so hard! I'm really sorry for all your pain and loss from your fall. You have a good attitude about the whole thing... a good example for me. Thank you. I will pray for your healing and I hope you'll come back and update on how you're doing.

LHA~

Family stuff can be soo stressful. I hope things get better, but am glad you're maintaining a good part of your loss, too. What you said about addiction... sugar, carbs, alcohol, coping mechanism... sounds a lot like what my counselor and I talked about today. You're so right about that. I am cutting wayy back on the sugar starting today. I crave it now and don't like that feeling one bit.

Anonymous said...

Also- not sure where you are located- but maybe you need your lamp? The one for SAD?

Diana said...

Hi Lyn, I read this post, and it broke my heart. I know this feeling so very well. I've lived it over and over. I know how devastating it is to feel like you've lost all control, and you can't stop eating. I recently gained 13 pounds. After a year at staying at a consistent 160-165. 165 was my line in the sand. Just like you had a line in the sand, I did too, but sadly I stepped over it.

I can't even explain what happened. I completed a marathon in September at 165. I felt great. I thought I wouldn't even mind staying at that weight forever, even though I really wanted to get down to 150. 165 was a comfortable size 10 pant and medium in tops. I'm 5'6" just like you. It wasn't that hard to maintain, and I was eating 2,200 calories daily to maintain, and exercise 3-4 times a week.

But the inevitable happened. What always happens. I started eating, binging, stopping at the store on my way home and buying food I hadn't eaten in two years. Cookies, candies, all the things. I ate all the food in my car on my way home (a 30-minute drive). I hid the wrappers from my boyfriend, then ate a normal dinner with him. I quickly went up to 178 in about six weeks. It was horrible. I was devastated. How did this happen? Why did it happen? What is wrong with me? You know the drill. After having so much control, then I lost it. It's like a mental breakdown of some kind.

The car accident was definitely a trigger for you (and it sounds horrific). I don't even have that excuse. Maybe mine was the after marathon letdown. I've heard people go through a kind of depression after they complete a marathon. You gear up for it, then after all the excitement, it's a bit of a letdown.

Whatever our reasons, we can't let it destroy us. I had to fight tooth and nail to lose 8 of my 13 pounds. I'm hanging right around 169-170 now. I weigh every morning. I have also joined DietBet. It's a huge incentive to me to put money on the line. It's not the answer of course, but it helped me lose 8 pounds last month. You might look into it. Something about losing money if I stuff my face every day has helped me stop. It just made me pay more attention to my actions.

I'm thinking of you Lyn. I feel your pain. However, I follow you on Instagram, and I can see you're really trying. So I know you haven't given up. That made me happy. Sorry this is so long. I probably should have sent you an email, but I know there are a lot of people out there like us. I sure don't have the answers, but I can empathize with you. We're so much alike about this weight issue. It's been over 10 years since I started reading your blog. I feel like I know you. :) Take care of yourself my friend. Be kind to yourself just you would be to someone else that's struggling in life. Love you Lyn. ~Diana

Anonymous said...

I know hindsight is 20/20, but I think this situation is why commenters were encouraging you to use the time on phentermine to fundamentally change your eating habits (and mental habits around food). If you had gotten yourself to a place where carbs, junk, real/fake sugar were not a part of your daily diet, even in small portions, I suspect that this very tough situation would be a lot more bearable for you! However, you can still do it!

I'll add that if friends and family know you are trying to lose weight but are still bringing treats/junk food into your home and trying to tempt you with it - they are not really showing love. There are plenty of healthy treats (beautiful winter fruit, gourmet pickles or jerky, nuts, etc.) and healthy, comforting meals that loved ones can share that won't derail your diet.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you've decided to go ahead and regain.

Lyn said...

unsure Anon~

That's not a bad idea. I take vitamin D but I am stuck inside way more than usual. The lamp might help. Thanks.

Diana~

Hugs my friend! I feel like we have been through so much together! I'm sorry you're struggling too. I know we both have to find it in us NOT to regain again. You are well on your way back down to your happier weight. I hope I will be soon too. Write me anytime! Love you too.

hindsight Anon~

I absolutely changed my eating over the past year. I kind of wish I had Instagram back in 2007... well, no, actually not! The photos of my intake would have been astounding. But thankfully it's chronicled in detail on the blog.

I'm never going back to the stressful, white knuckled "diet" that says I can NEVER have any sugar (or sugar substitutes) again. I really hope to get back to what was working for me over the past year+ which is calm moderation.

misreading Anon~

You're just rude.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn, I think you would benefit from researching PTSD--the actual changes that happen in the body and brain. The increase in cortisol explains your symptoms entirely and is expected when the brain is traumatized. I got PTSD from a car accident in 2003 (fatalities, small children in my car, the works). After I got out of the hospital, I gained from 156 to 182, went back on Optifast and did an entire month on shakes--only to end at 182. I guess my point is that what you are experiencing is right in the middle of normal. If you were my daughter, I would say two things to you: you are not craving food, you are craving dopamine and/or serotonin. (That feeling of peace.) What are any ways that can pop them in your brain? Music? Journaling? Being with people or being alone? Etc. Make a list and try some different things. The body eventually becomes immune to the higher levels of cortisol and the world resumes to feeling more normal, this is just a list for the mean time. Second, having been down the road you are on, I would advise you to get a few pieces of clothing to see you through and say to myself--any number under 200 is a win. PTSD, with therapy, will be about six months-ish. You could also get your hormone levels tested if you think seeing the numbers might help you understand. But it's not realistic to try to move the scale down while your system is flooded with cortisol--you are just upsetting yourself more, but you can give yourself as good a start number as possible for later. xom

Heather said...

Hi Lynn, Ive been a reader for a long time and I too struggle with the loss gain cycle. So I get it.
I have not read all the comments so please forgive me if I am repeating another suggestions, but I know that EMDR therapy is extremely effective to assist people dealing with trauma and this could be a great support to getting you back to calm. I hope this might be something you can explore.
And you are not alone.

PamL said...

Lyn, I second the Half Size Me podcast. It's great. I think I originally saw it recommended here, too. Love it. I like most of them, but episode 312 is very good- it's where Heather tells her story.

Anyway, I don't think there's many of us that haven't been where you are due to some trauma. I recently gained 26 pounds--from July until now (4 months)! :( There was no trauma--just a trip to the beach, where I did not partake in any sweets, and I came back and HAD GAINED 5 pounds!! So I guess that was the trauma--I really fell off the rails after that!! I felt like I had deprived myself of all the things I would have enjoyed to try and NOT gain, and I still gained! It felt hopeless, and I just gave up.

Well, anyway, I've finally had enough. I've lost 4 pounds and counting, and I am committed to going down. I feel better, I sleep better, I just feel healthier. But I do have to make a conscience effort. I always wonder if there will ever be a time in my life that I do not have to try to maintain my weight? Ever? I hope so, but with so many ups and downs over the years, it's hard to imagine right now. But all I can do is take one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

B said...

Lyn, I've been reading your blog for years. I was reading when you lost 100 lbs. before. I kept checking back when you took a hiatus. I was thrilled to see you start posting again. I've felt all the emotions and have great empathy for your journey. I was using Medifast when I first found your blog, as a matter of fact, I once won three boxes of Medifast from you at one point. I went from 209 to 149 using Medifast in 2015. In July of that year I had a bad accident on my motorcycle. I had to have surgery to repair a broken clavicle and a long, long recovery. I was traumatized to say the least. My left arm was immobilized in a contraption that attached it to my waist. I couldn't do my daily routine much less keep up any exercise. I was told I couldn't use Medifast for awhile because there weren't enough calories to promote the healing my body needed to do. At first I tried to eat pretty healthy and increased my calories carefully. Unfortunately, not having reached my goals, I had no idea how many calories I needed to maintain. As I started to gain a little weight back I rationalized that when I was healed I would go back on Medifast. Fast forward to Sept. 2018, I'm in my Dr.'s office and he's looking at my chart. My weight is now 214 lbs. and my blood sugar is high enough to diagnose me with type 2 diabetes. He's talking about putting me on medication and my head is spinning! What! How could this happen.... I begged him to hold off on putting me on meds and I formed a plan. I have an apt. on the 14th of this month and he will check my A1C I've dropped 24 lbs. since then and I'm walking every day. I hope it's enough. I'm doing kind of what you did before your accident, keeping my carbs below 100, usually around 80ish and I'm counting calories staying at or below 1200. Not sure you count calories. I'm 4'11" and 62 yrs. old so I do have to keep calories on the lowish end. My point is, I understand where your brain is right now. It's so hard when you're injured and it feels like you just can't do any of the things you were doing to get and stay healthy. But I also know if you do nothing thinking I'll get back on track when I feel better, things can get much worse. It's so so hard to get back on that train, but you can and you will. I'm glad you see a therapist, it really helps to work through the trauma. Anyway, I'm praying for you and me too! The journey is a difficult one. Oh, and I'm back riding my motorcycle! You will get past this! Sending good vibes your way....Belinda

Anonymous said...

I checked back in on your blog because I was worried about you and then I saw you had been posting on instagram! I think that's a very good idea during a time when you are afraid of regaining. For me, being open with what I eat helps me to gain perspective and feel less in own head worrying about it.

I hope you feel better soon. How is PT?

--cron

Anonymous said...

Two suggestions. I am taking a phentermine pill called Lomaria. It is only 8mg per pill and wears off after 4 hours. I find it to really take the edge off even with as little as 4 mg. It can easily stop a slide and I don't need to take it daily (thus I don't get used to it). Just when necessary. Recent obesity research seems more and more supporting gut bacteria as causing obesity. Meat and processed food encourage bacteria that extract more calories out of your food (so you eat 1000 cals and get 1400 cals) while fiber encourages bacteria which is poor at extracting calories. It doesn't mean you have to give up "goodies" I have concluded that isn't possible. Just don't eat them all in a row because that changes your gut bacteria make up and makes you gain weight like gangbusters. And what does everyone do when they go off a diet? They deep dive into all the foods they couldn't get on the diet and gain weight fast. You can change your bacteria make up in as little as 4 days. And even if you cannot stop the bad food if you eat fiber as well at least it will slow the damage.