Wednesday, December 26, 2018

After Christmas

My pants are too tight, the scale is not happy, and I woke up today not fitting into any of my jeans. I had to get out the single pair of size 16W jeans that were in the donate box and wear them today. Even these are a bit snug when I'm sitting down. I remember that when I tossed them in that box, it was because they were ridiculously saggy on my body to the point I could not wear them, even if I washed and dried them on high.

The scale's been giving me feedback every couple of days this month. When I posted ten days ago, I weighed 187 pounds. Five days ago I weighed 188, last Sunday I weighed 187 again. I remember (just two days ago) looking at the scale and then looking in the mirror at my body and thinking, this isn't making me happy. Shouldn't I be happy that I ate everything I wanted for a week and didn't have a net gain? Shouldn't I be thrilled that I ate cookies and fudge and all kinds of carby things and didn't have a massive gain? I know how it worked... it worked because I still usually do the thing that some people call intermittent fasting: I wake up and have only coffee with cream, and generally don't eat anything until noon or later, which means I am not eating anything for about 17 hours each day. That's why I didn't gain even with all the sugar and carbs. But no, it didn't make me happy. It made me kind of sad, because how I feel and how I see myself are not at all reflected on the scale. I feel big, sluggish, sloppy, and gross. I don't have the energy I had before and my body is certainly a lot mushier than it was before the accident. Yeah, I know that being completely sedentary because of injuries is a big part of it. But again, shouldn't I be happy I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted, did not exercise of even walk around much, and didn't gain a ton?

I am pleased that I'm not gaining, for sure. I just know that if I didn't have a scale I would have guessed I am up 20 pounds by how I look and feel. And after the traditional salty ham dinner with mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, and pies last night, this morning the scale's back up to 189. Okay, no biggie, but my jeans don't fit. Having to wear these castoff used-to-be-baggy pants is a reminder that it's not just that number on the scale that matters... it's about more than that.

This morning I didn't wait until afternoon to eat. I had a tamale and a slice of pie for breakfast and thought to myself, when will I get it together and fix this? "This," meaning this way that I feel. Not today, I think. Tomorrow? But there are leftovers... leftovers!! Hmmm, that kind of thinking reminds me of all those years of morbid obesity that were actually just a very long string of days putting the "diet" off until tomorrow... or Monday... or after the next holiday. We have a birthday in the family this week (cake) and I kind of crave pizza and there's New Years and the whole resolution thing. But I don't go in for the set a date to begin thing anymore. I tend more towards small changes on the fly. Drink a big glass of water when I walk into the kitchen. See if I can do that 5 minutes on the recumbent bike (which was ruled out at my last PT evaluation due to pain). Give away the rest of the fudge. Have a smaller portion of carbs at dinner tonight.

I can't jump into something anxiety-provoking. I don't really have that food calm I cherished before, but I am not in that stressed, anxious state about my eating, either. I think I just need to edge back towards the calm, not restricting but making choices more like I used to make before the accident. I know I don't want to weigh 189 or more at the end of this year, and I sure don't want to be stuck with ONE pair of jeans that fit. So let's see what I can do this week to at least let the bloat go away (less salt, fewer carbs, more water) and go from there.


PamL said...

Great plan, Lyn! Merry Christmas and happy new year!

Anonymous said...

Can you still take the phentermine? That might help for the rest of the holiday season

Anonymous said...

You maintained through the holidays, that is a win. When Jan 1 hits you will be off and running with new lows!

JeanneTops said...

I know you've trod this weigh-regain path before. I have too and more than once. I could have written this post almost word-for-word myself. I know that it is this point - when the clothes don't fit, when the self-disgust is starting to rise up, when the will to stop overeating is there but the ability to stop is not - that I would look back on later when I'd regained one hundred pounds and wished with all my heart that I could have actually turned it around then. I don't know why I had to regain all the weight before I could finally make the turn again and could not make it when the regain had just started.

I have no advice to give you. Being honest with yourself, being honest pubicly, starting with small things you feel you can do, continuing to weigh yourself - I know those are good steps but I can't even tell you they will work. Just as I wished that I could have reached back and helped my former (and now again) self, I wish that I could reach out and help you now.

I will only ask if you read Sean Anderson's blog: He's trod this exact same path - lost hundreds of pounds, regained most, stopped and turned around again. He doesn't try to tell anyone to follow a magic formula but he does keep saying that it's a journey and a journey that's about a lot more than eating. He is hopeful, encouraging and realistic. I read him because it gives me hope that change is possible.

You are not alone, you are one of millions. You will turn back again.

Amy said...

Slowly and surely, the sunlight will return as it always does. This is not permanent, it is fixable. Everything else is irrelevant!

Diana said...

Maybe the weather is impacting your mood. This Pacific Northwest gray, wet and drizzly weather is making me crazy. I just want to hibernate. But first fatten up for the long winter. I’m so frustrated with myself. I’m starting the year heavier than last year, up by 8 pounds from 1/1/2018. When I had planned to lose another 30 pounds in 2018. Hang in there Lyn. Hopefully we’ll both get back on track in 2019. Geez, can you even believe it’s going to be 2019? How many years have we been fighting this battle? I think too many. But we’re not giving up! ❤️

Lyn said...

Phen Anon~

no. I will be seeing my doctor in late January or early February and see if she wants me to go back on it for the last bit of weight I need to lose.

Jeanna Tops~

Yes, I do read Sean's blog and he is inspiring. Regain is such a hard thing to face and he's one who has succeeded at keeping off a re-loss. I should go back and re-read some of his older posts. Thanks.

Thanks Pam, maintained Anon, and Amy :)


Oh for sure. I take D3 but it might be time to get out the light box. Have you tried one of those? Mine does work. It gives me energy if I sit in front of it in the morning. We will never give up, and we are both in much better places now than we started so there's that to be thankful for! I hope you write an update on your blog, or send me an email :) Which reminds me I ought to go check mine. Hope we both have an awesome 2019!