Friday, November 16, 2018

Diet Wrecked, Too?


I am really having a hard time this week. I think my emotions finally caught up with me about the car accident. I don't think I dealt with it, or even felt it emotionally before now. I'm driving again (a rental right now) and when I am out there driving, sometimes I see a bigger vehicle coming towards me or whizzing past me and it makes me so upset I feel like crying. I feel physically sick and sometimes shake a little bit. I hate the feeling so much that I have been saying things like "I need to buy a big truck" which makes no logical sense. I have zero need for a truck, all but two of my kids are moved out of the house so I don't need something big, I no longer have an RV to tow, and I really ought to find a car that gets good gas mileage. But there is a part of me that just wants to feel invincible when I'm going down the road. So I know a truck is not something I will get, but I am not sure when I will stop feeling so nervous about driving. My sons and friends were driving me at first, and I had to close my eyes sometimes to not freak out about the fear of getting hit. I guess I will talk to my counselor about it, but I really don't like the unsettled feeling I have about it.

I also have not been coping with my pain as well this week. In fact, I've really regressed in my coping. I've started turning to food for comfort in an old, unhealthy way. I don't mean sitting down and enjoying a cup of tea and a piece of shortbread. I mean stuffing food in to stuff feelings down. I wouldn't say binge... it's not on that level, volume wise. But the feeling of not being at all hungry, sort of sitting in the anxiousness, wanting the pain to go away, wanting my old car back, wanting to be able to vacuum or take a walk... but being unable to, and instead, making a piece of toast and cramming it down my throat without tasting it. That's a very old tactic I used to use to deal with frustration and anxiety. I recognize it and it alarms me. It scares me because... where is my calm? What happened to my peace? All of my success in the past couple years has been based on peace and calm about food... and now... is it gone? Can I get it back? Will the un-calm, un-settled, anxious feeling about the accident and my own vulnerability and my pain soak into every aspect of my life and steal away that peace I had with food? I am worried. And I knew it was real when, the other day, I was out alone at night and was feeling extremely anxious, and what I did scared me. I went through a McDonald's drive thru and got a Big Mac meal and sat in my car and ate it. Even though I have not been to a McDonald's since 2009, when I found a fly in my ice cream cone. Even though I swore I would never, ever eat there again. And I was not hungry, either.

I feel like I am losing my mind over this. I'm not sure what is going on. I am afraid to weigh. I was 182 pounds a few days ago and have not gotten on the scale since I've been eating all kinds of crap and junk that doesn't even taste good in what feels like some kind of self defense desperation.

That's where I am now. Cramming another piece of toast while writing this and craving McDonald's and being revolted at the craving at the same time. I do not want this to be the start of another regain. This is hard to post, but I know it has to be said.


27 comments:

Deniz said...

Aw Lyn hon, I really feel for you.
You should definitely talk to your counselor, and soon. If you can, get a session booked today so you know exactly when you will see her/him.
You have had a very traumatic and stressful time, and you are in pain. That is where you are at, so don't try to hide from it and do the whole I'm fine and I'm strong bit alone.
It's not a surprise that your brain is reverting to old coping strategies, but your counselor may be able to help you find a different way - your new pathway to getting your peace and calm back.
Sending you love, hugs and positive thoughts from the UK.
This too shall pass.

MaryFran said...

Hugs to you over the aftermath of the accident! I think your fears and desire for a big vehicle is natural....compromise by doing your research on cars with good gas mileage but great safety results!!!

As for the eating...old habits never go away...they linger inside us, awaiting the opportunity to resurface (usually at our weakest moments). You have recognized what is happening. Now it’s a thing of using a little willpower to say ‘I will not succumb’. And then basking in the pride and empowering emotions when you succeed!!!

16 blessings'mom said...

Lyn, you have been through quite a trauma. Five of my daughters were in a car accident a few years back, a head on collision. There were no serious injuries, but my Suzanne had to go to the hospital in an ambulance, her face was all scraped up and she had no idea where she was or what happened. The daughter who was driving was totally traumatized. She didn't want to drive ever again. They were all having bad dreams, and anxiety. It sounds like you've really been through some rough trials. I have no advice except to maybe buy lots of different flavored gum, some good seasonal tea, and try to substitute that when you're feeling out of control or stressed. You have so many friends out here rooting for you, and praying for you! Get better!
Della

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about this, I completely understand. I would suggest you not ignore the changes in your behaviour and talk to your doctor and book a counseling appointment asap. You have worked too hard to backslide now

Anonymous said...

Lyn - hang in there. Definitely reach out to your counselor - even if you don't have an appointment scheduled hopefully you can get in there. You are strong and invincible and have come so far - don't let food control you - YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF FOOD. Thinking of you and sending you peace and calm :)
-Beth

Carole Medley said...

I feel your panic. My telling you to be kind to yourself will probably not be helpful, but that is the right thing to do in this case of course. Similar discombobulation here: running like a crazy woman trying to control that which I CAN control (no control over life and death of loved ones), and slipping in my dietary habits. Keep going, keep going, keep going and one day it will click again for both of us.

Anonymous said...

Lyn it sounds as if you are panicking. This is a great time to use your tools that you e developed this last time around! Calm down and remember what you know. You are totally capable. This is life happening as it does. There’s no need to freak out. There will be lots of ups and downs and you know better than anyone that controlling food doesn’t control life. Sending strength and peace to you

Vickie said...

I was rear ended twice, a couple years apart. One totaled my station wagon (I saw it coming, I was stopped at a light, the lady in the car in front of me was taken by ambulance to hospital, five cars involved). One caved in my trunk (truck with a snow plow blade attached, I was pulled all the way off road for police to pass, and I saw it coming).

So pretty traumatic wrecks. I saw it coming in rear view window both times. And I had kids with me.

If you remember Barbara Mandrell (singer), she was in a serious wreck and said she recoiled in traffic for years when a car came at her from a certain angle. She had no active memory of wreck, but something in her mind remembered.

So yes, wrecks can be traumatic.

So much anxiety every single time I was stopped at a light for years. That was during my school carpool years. And I had kids at multiple schools. So I drove a lot. I had to get in cars and go. And it was hard.

I did work with my therapist on my car anxiety. I needed to reduce my over all life anxiety as much as possible. And I finally just had to totally stop looking in rear view mirrors when I was stopped (like at lights). But I had to train myself to look away. And that was tough.

Eventually, by not looking, I got over it. And today, I have no unusual anxiety while driving. And I can drive long distances and in major traffic (like Chicago) with no difficulty.

So I am writing to say what you are feeling is definitely “a thing” with bad wrecks. And you probably need help to get over it. And yes, you will want to car shop very carefully and look at the crash test rankings. And see what things you can do to change your habits to help.

***It is very interesting to me that you got in a car and drove to mcD to get food to squash down your fear of driving/crashing. That seems like it is a signal that food trumps all. Which is very concerning.***

Anonymous said...

Hi. I've been reading your blog for quite some time. I never comment on any of the blogs I follow. I've gained & lost weight my whole life. I'm very happy where I am right now in maintenance but every day is a struggle & I use everyone's blogs for motivation. I appreciate the efforts, the accomplishments & the defeats. It makes me feel like we're going through it together. I always say I'm blessed that I've never had true tragedy in my life no matter how difficult things get. I can't imagine what you're experiencing right now. Distress, trauma, anguish... I always turn to food for comfort too. It's an old friend. The only suggestion I can make is stock up on some things that are comforting & healthier. Pot of chili, soup, sauce. Whatever works. Keep them on hand. If you want to overeat to feel better, at least it's not McDonalds. You won't feel bad for indulging & when your head gets straighter, you can grasp your control on the volume of food again. I don't know you but I've read through your struggles & you will grasp control again. It's going to take time. You can do this.

Rose Pompi said...

Lyn, I"m so sorry about your car wreck. How horrible for you. Sounds like (and I'm not a doctor) but it does sound like you are suffering PTSD over your accident. The way you are reacting and so on. Its a very valid way to feel, that is for sure.

I'm sure once you see your therapist and tell her/him how you are feeling you will be diagnosed with maybe a mild PTSD and can start working towards healing. Sometimes as you know, the mental is harder to heal then the physical .

Your eating will settle down, give it some time and heal yourself.

Quick recovery and healing.
Rose

Unknown said...

In 2014, my husband and I were in a motorcycle wreck (just us, no other vehicles were involved). His injuries were very serious and required over a month in the hospital and inpatient rehab. I was injured as well, but not as seriously. My sister drove me almost an hour to the hospital and back pretty much every day, and as I healed and started driving myself there and back every day, I struggled. I struggled with the fear of being in a wreck. And seeing a motorcycle on the highway was enough to send me to the very edge of a panic attack. Every time. I would start to hyperventilate and sometimes would even flash back to the day of the accident and start to relive it. It was awful and stressful.

I said all this to say that you are not alone in your feelings. They will lessen over time, but I do want to strongly encourage you to talk to someone about what you are feeling. I pretended to be strong and tough and plowed my way through everything I've had to deal with in the years since the accident. I've also regained almost 90 pounds of the 150 I'd lost.

Please, please. Reach out for help, continue to do the hard work, and hang in there. Your life is worth it. You are worth it.

Rebecca Z. said...

Hey Lynn. Best advice: get on the scale...now...and hit reset. You've got this girl. Your success is real. You have developed a solid, healthy way of life. You can overcome this latest stress.

Michelle Himes said...

Several years ago I was hit from behind while driving a little hatchback. I could see the other car coming, but couldn't do anything about it. (driver was looking back at some misbehaving kids in the back seat and didn't see me). Afterward, I can remember panicking whenever I saw another car approach from behind, cringing and thinking "don't hit me!!!!". The feelings of panic will go away - but try not to stuff it down with food. I've been where you are, got down to my goal weight a few years ago, and then gained more than half back. It's been a real struggle, and I can't seem to get a handle on it. I just know that it's a slippery slope, and you need to stop it before it's gets way out of control. Wish I could help, but all I can do is commiserate, and wish you a speedy recovery.

Carrie Hall said...

You are strong. So Strong. I have no words of wisdom, I just wanted you to know that coping with shock and fear, anxiety and anger take their toll on each of us and it is so easy and comfortable to fall back. Do you call these emotions by name when you're feeling them? "Yes, I'm feeling anxious. Yes, I'm feeling angry." - sometimes just acknowledging the emotion out loud helps me not go off the deep end. And also speaking the good stuff out loud helps me, too. Hearing support for me seems to put a wrench in the mindmess of negative circular thinking. Thank you again for your honesty and being vulnerable with us as you've gone through your journey. Speak Good Truth and Grace aloud. :) Peace.

LHA said...

Lyn, first of all I offer my condolences about your wreck and the resulting pain and long recovery period. I'm so sorry. In the past twelve months I have been in a very stressful situation involving a minor physical injury but a much bigger and more difficult psychological issue relating to a situation in the family which is out of my control. Like you, I found some bad habits recurring and it was frightening. It has been the fight of my life. I actually think lack of control over something bad in your life leads me (and possibly others) to overeat just because it alleviates anxiety and makes us feel in control of something (food) even if that something is bad for me. I wish you the best, and truly believe that all of us who have fought the battle to lose significant amounts of weight have the tools and skills to return to a healthy diet when we get off track. For me sometimes that is almost every few days having to start over but it is better than the alternative of giving up. Bottom line is you are human, and I know you will overcome this.

Anonymous said...

You have PTSD, it sounds like. Very common after accidents.

JeanneTops said...

I'm sorry to hear about your accident and that you are in pain. I have been following your blog for the past year because I too have been going through a losing a large weight regain. I know what its like to have lost a lot and then regained it all back. I also know what its like to be feeling unable to stop eating and scared about what it means. No your diet is not wrecked! Each of us is different but I read this: http://angryjogger.com/9136.html and it might help you. The best pieces of advice are to record everything you're eating so you don't slip into willfully ignoring what's going on, get on the scale - it's probably not as bad yet as you're worried and do something that reassures you that you have controlled your eating before. I like to pick something very simple and stick to it so that I can feel even just a little in control. Even if it's just not eating the bun with the hamburger or throwing away half the fries. I'd also suggest reading the back posts or even contacting Sean Anderson at: https://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com. You are one of many who have gone through this and you are not alone. You don't owe anybody anything but you do have sympathetic readers.

Shellie Ham said...

I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time! Hang in there,I am rooting for you,you've come such a long way😊

Lyn said...

I had a rough weekend. I didn't look at my blog until this morning, and sitting here reading the comments has helped me so much to feel supported and to see my thoughts in an objective way. I am really having a hard time. Sometimes, I wake up in the early morning hours and sit straight up and just start sobbing.

After I read the comments I texted my counselor's office and asked for an appointment ASAP. He was out of town last week on our usual day, and this week we didn't schedule anything because of Thanksgiving. I need to at least get something scheduled. I got on the scale and was 188.

I have an appointment this morning and will try and write another post later today. It helps a lot to write and not just hide.

Xani said...

I am so sorry you are struggling like this, but it is not your fault! You have been through a trauma, you are seeking comfort. I am glad you are seeing your therapist and I wonder if using some meditation videos on youtube or something might help calm your mind during those moments when you are feeling so upset and out of control.

I was learning to ride a motorcycle about 10 years ago and crashed during the training class, broke a bone in my hand. Since then I have been a nervous driver/passenger. I have terrible anxiety if I'm in the passenger seat and the driver is going too fast, not breaking soon enough, etc (even when I know and trust the driver). If someone cuts me off/close call while I am driving, my heart will race, palms sweat, etc. It sucks! It's actually one of the main reasons I went on anxiety medication- I couldn't be miserable every time I was in a car! Best of luck to you <3

Lyn said...

p.s., thank you to Jenny for the personal message.

Jenny bobbitt said...

You got this!

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn,

I think I read in a Geneen Roth book that after she had a car accident she found herself craving stabilizing, hearty foods. It's kind of a reasonable response. Personally, when I find myself feeling the desire to eat a large volume in that way, I make batches of vegetable soup with a whole bunch of nonstarchy vegetables and good stock. I can eat quite a lot of it as part of a meal alongside some protein and feel both physically satisfied and mentally sure that even though my stomach is full I'm actually providing myself with good nutrition, which is the real way to take care of myself. Junk food won't feel good in the long term. For me, eating things with simple sugars in them makes my anxiety worse and eating too much makes it hard for me to sleep. Also, like you I think, eating a lot of sugar and white carbs makes my appetite increase. So it's just not a good cycle to get into. You're a good cook, maybe you could spend some of the time you're physically more limited to make some healthy, voluminous vegetable dishes.

--cron anon

Janet said...

Oh, dear, sweet Lyn. All of your feelings and emotions are justified. You simply need to listen to your body and allow yourself the focus, space and time to adjust your reaction to the pain... to the loss of control you feel... to the anxiety that's crept in since your accident... the fear... and the frustration you feel too. All normal, all controllable and the first step to regaining the calm and peace you had before the accident is to call it back into your body and mind. The first step is meditation. Download the app "Stop, think and breathe" and get started right now on a meditation the app will create SPECIFIC to how you are feeling physically and emotionally. You know how to meditate so please, give yourself the gift of peace and calm and do it now.

Remember what I shared with you before... We find our motivation through action and action begins with simplicity. Do one thing, take one action and let one action build into two, three, four and so on and so on. You will soon feel the calm and peace return, the scale is unimportant at this time, just focus on your breath. Focus on gratitude for all that you have and all you know is possible within you.

Wishing you always peace and love,

xo

PS - I am currently reading/grinding through The Appetite Awareness Workbook (written by Linda W. Craighead) and BOY! I haven't felt such freedom from my all-or-nothing and black and white thinking and binge eating since I left Hilton Head Health. This workbook is reinforcing everything I learned there (that I'd recently gotten squishy on since losing 90 pounds in the past six months) and has expanded on that learning in too many ways to count! Perhaps it might help you, to get back in touch with your physical hunger cues and resist external factors causing you to use food to cope.

Lyn said...

cron anon~

Soup sounds amazing right now. I hate being cold, and do crave warm things. I will get family to buy and chop for me and I can do the seasoning. Thank you for the idea :)

Janet~

Thank you for the good suggestions. I can use all the advice I can get right now!

Lyn said...

Xani~

Thank you. Your comment really helped me.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are stronger than this accident. It's all about the long-term. This is a blip. I am wondering though where your husband is in this? He should certainly be offering more support I would think?