Sunday, September 30, 2018

Resurrected, and Weigh In

It's time for my weekly weigh-in and a recap of my month. I weighed 183 on September 1st and today is the last day of the month. I am down a pound from last week to 180. I did see 179 on the scale twice this week; I had seen 179 for two days a few weeks ago, too. For the month of September, I have stayed within the same 5 pound range (179 to 184) and in August I stayed in a four pound range (180 to 184). I feel very good about that maintenance.

My clothing sizes are a little different this time around than they were last time I was this weight. I'm guessing my measurements will show a difference, too, when I hit my next ten pounds and measure to compare. I remember wearing size 10 and 12 jeans at this weight in 2010; now, I am wearing 14's. Granted, they are pretty loose. I wash them on hot and dry them on high and then they fit pretty well, but I also can easily fit into the one pair of 12's I wear once in awhile. Today I bought a new pair of jeans, and they are a size 12 and fit perfectly. I bet I could fit into 10's if I squished, but who wants to squish?? I am going to look for the pair of size 10's that I wore for my old pictures at 178 pounds eight years ago. I am sure they're in the Winter Clothes tote; I wonder if I can get them on now.

Sometimes it feels like I am in some kind of a time warp. It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting on the couch lamenting that I had regained almost all of the 103 pounds I had lost. It was a nightmare... a complete and total nightmare. Weighing 260 pounds again *after* having lost all of that weight and feeling the amazing victory and freedom of weighing 175 pounds... it was worse, FAR worse than weighing 278 pounds when I started this blog. Knowing that it was possible, and I did it... knowing what it was like to be free... and then being chained up again into morbid obesity... it was nearly unbearable. It was terribly depressing and I felt nothing but deep shame that I had shown everyone that I could do it but then was not able to stop myself from eating my way right back into that hellish nightmare. It was heart-breaking and soul crushing. And the taste of 179 now, it is oh so sweet. So much more cherished, like a resurrected love which was once lost and longed for. Oh how we treasure and appreciate the things that we know can be fleeting.

I don't know how it could be that I was *just* sitting here crying over that massive regain and yet now, my dream, my fervent wish has come true once again, and I have my body back. I have my weight loss back. And yet I know that just as quickly, in a flash I could be sitting here in misery yet again, if I don't find a way to hang onto this sweet, sweet freedom. I pray and hope I can, but more than that, I know I am ready to work for it.


MaryFran said...

Your right...facing a big loss *again* is far far worse than facing it for the first time!!!

Anonymous said...

I have done the same thing and it kills me that I gained all of the weight back. Thank you for giving me hope. I'll keep on trying.

Anonymous said...

Maintenance is where you find out what you're made of. Making good choices and staying motivated when the number on the scale doesn't change (and you no longer remember what it felt like when you started) is HARD. Not to mention menopause which is a game changer we don't talk enough about. Good luck, Lyn. "And now we work..." xom

Carole Medley said...

Kudos to you, Lyn. Your hard work is paying off.