Tuesday, September 11, 2018

And Now, A Struggle.

I am not sure what came over me the last two days. My food behavior has gone into the toilet for the first time in over a year, and I am sitting here trying to sort it out and find a way to stop it. It's like that train wreck dream I had back on 2011 right before I started regaining. It's like a sense of barreling down the freeway in a car that has no brakes, going faster and faster towards a cement wall, and trying to stop the car by opening the door and sticking your foot out onto the road like you might do if you needed to stop your bike when you were a kid. That's the feeling I have this morning as I sit with a stomach ache from eating a piece of cinnamon toast after a full breakfast of eggs, sausage, hash browns with cheese, and chocolate chip banana bread. Four cups of coffee into this, I am starting to feel like hey... I am actually feeling out of control.

I felt it yesterday. I woke up and it was chilly and overcast instead of warm and sunny. My house was cold and I had almost no energy. Instead of having my coffee and going about my day, I felt restless. I wanted to eat. I had an English muffin and a scrambled egg with cheese. I felt discontented. I started thinking about the stressful stuff that's been going on in my life, and instead of doing anything, I sat. After awhile, I thought I should get out of the house so I went to a lunch with friends. Lunch was served and I ate the meat, fruit, and potato salad... and then a piece of cake. Came home and felt even more melancholy. I went to the pantry for a Coke Zero and there were none left. At that point, I just threw my hands up, wanted the comfort of old familiar junk, and went to the gas station for a can of (real) Coke, a hot dog, and chips. Yep, I went there, with a candy bar too.

Why though? Last night I felt like crap and this morning I did not weigh. I had this sense of overwhelm. I feel like I want to stay home alone and do absolutely nothing. Now I don't know if this was triggered by the weather change or stress overload or maybe a bit of PMS, but it is the first time in over a year that I have done this. This is old behavior and it scares me. I try to tell myself it is no big deal and a couple days back on plan will drop off any weight I gained, but I know this goes way, way deeper than that. THIS is how I regained 80 pounds. THIS is a reactive behavior that is not healthy at all. And as much as I kept telling myself to knock it off, I just kept going.

Where from here? I'm not sure. I'll start by stopping, and go from there.


Anonymous said...

Lyn really, everyone has days like this and the fact that this is the first time all year you have done this is impressive. Everyone eats a hot dog, chips and pop from time to time. Try to think about it as a normal, albeit not the healthiest choice, meal. Your breakfast sounds just fine. I think your perception is skewed by your fear, so try not to let it get you down at all. Nothing bad has happened. Just keep right on going. You've got this!


Bec Z said...

You had a setback binge day. Done. Put it in the books. Now....move on. Get up, make plan, stick to it. Go Girl. forward.

Anonymous said...

Use your full dose of phentermine, morning and noon or whatever your schedule is, drink lots and lots of water and eat as little as possible for a couple of days.

Sometimes your body gets "used to" the smaller amounts of food and something like this will kick you into the next 5 pound range down if you follow your "feasting" with a bit of (healthy) "famine." At least, that is how it works for me and I have taken Adipex-P for a couple of years now, with breaks here and there.

You need to do something to regain the control that the drug helps give you over food (if that makes sense).

Good luck! I am rooting for you.

Jessie M.

Anonymous said...

This is where you lean into your maintenance plan.

Check in with yourself - it sounds like you have identified some emotions and stress as triggers. Is there something you can do to alleviate that stress? Instead of food for comfort, can you identify something else that is satisfying.

Blogging is great! Who else can you rely on for support? Do you have a tribe of friends, family, a church social network, etc?

If your feelings (the runaway train part) have you concerned, call your therapist. Can you get in to see her / him before your next appointment?

Are you still using Phentermine? Is it working like it normally does? Consider reaching out to your doctor. Is the hunger actual physical hunger triggered by cravings or is the hunger related to your emotions?

Do you have a food plan that normally works for you? Can you try, meal by meal, going back to that?

Like all the other advice, remember you're not alone in this experience and putting the experience behind you may be helpful.

Step away from the scale and until you feel it's right. In fact, if anything about your food / eating / weight loss is becoming a trigger again for ED, go back to those strategies.

A lot of people are rooting for you!!

Anonymous said...

Ok so this is where the eating disorder therapist would be helping you. Are you still seeing the therapist? Also have you stopped taking the phen? Depression is common once it’s stopped so that might vevoart if it. There will be gas days. You need some better support for yourself. It’s concerning that even though you had the insight you didn’t use any other tools instead if eating. What’s that about?

Anonymous said...

I understand. You feel like you walk into a fog and when you come out on the other side you're 40 pounds heavier with no clear understanding of what happened to put you there. It's almost terrifying.
I'm sure the prevailing logic is to forgive yourself and move on. Good advice, but hard to do when you can't get a handle on why it happened in the first place.
My advice would be to try not to dwell on what happened, but instead think through a solid plan for dealing with these feelings should they happen again. Maybe something along the lines of, if I want to eat junk, fine, but only one thing. Or, I can have a junk day once a month, on a set day. Or I can eat junk only if I still want it after I walk three miles and call a friend. Whatever helps YOU push past those feelings. Hugs, Lyn. The path to success is never the shortest route.

Anonymous said...

I'm one ill-advised trip to the gas station away from what you're going through and your post hit me like a fist.

First I would immediately get any idea of losing weight out of my mind and just stabilize myself the best I could ... physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Clearly this is a weight zone that is triggering and needs time, needs to be desensitized. And then I would spend as much time as possible sending thoughts of love and compassion to myself. Whatever I did I would try not to blame myself, feel guilt or shame. Just compassion and love, like your own child.

You are doing the best you can.

MaryFran said...

You recognized the binge and emotions within a day....call that a victory, cuz it is one!!!!! Build on that victory. Plan non food things to pull out when you feel those emotions!!! You’ve got this!!!!

Vickie said...

From what you have written, it seems like you might have had a lot of bread, toasted, in the last week or so. And that might be a major trigger for you. It is for me. I know you like to use “no bad foods” philosophy, but I think most everyone has triggers that can turn into runaway trains.

Amy said...

I struggle with this too, it's so easy to slip back to the comfort of the old groove. One thing that usually helps my mood and my desire to eat unproductive stuff is a good, sweaty workout. I tend to get blue when the sun changes, and hormonal shifts make us crave sugar and fat because our blood sugars are less stable. Focus on the good fats and see if that helps you overcome the sweet craving. Maybe try a new recipe with some spices you don't usually use. Hopefully you will feel energized and refreshed soon.

Lee said...

Give yourself a hug! Sounds like you have been beating yourself up enough and that drive to the gas station has the earmarks of self-punishment.("Think you feel bad now? I'll show you")I've been there...Once the shock wears off, think of a better response next time you have that feeling...coffee (not lunch) with friends..window shopping..walk somewhere new..blanket and a movie....whatever solves your feeling of loneliness, discontent or just needing a hug..next time that type of day hits you will be ready with a plan...Wishing you well

Mgncsty said...

Hi Lyn! I’ve read your blog for quite a few years now. Thank you for being so honest and caring. I’ve got some disordered thoughts with food, body acceptance too. I recently found a podcast I think you’d enjoy. It’s by a HAES (health at every size) nutritionist and it’s called https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/food-psych-intuitive-eating-health-at-every-size-positive/id700512884?mt=2&i=1000416406593
I hope you give it a listen. Take care:)

Janet said...

You said it. You start by stopping this behavior. It is within your control. Stop now, or wish you had, fifty pounds up the scale. You can do it. Breathe. Think. Stop. Focus on your breath, see cravings as waves that crest, crash on the beach and wash over you. Let them go. Let the stress go. Just be for awhile.

Do what you know. Mindfulness. Listen to a podcast (or 500 that she's recorded) by Elizabeth Benton of Primal Potential. Read. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. It's going to be okay.