Saturday, July 1, 2017

July 1, 2017


So I started on Synthroid about a week and a half ago because of my high TSH levels. At first I felt better but now I am back to my baseline of really tired. No weight loss yet either: still 253 pounds. There is this dieting part of me that is stomping its foot and saying, this has got to stop! This is no way to live. I feel so fat and old and exhausted all the time and I have got to do something about it RIGHT NOW. And there is another part of me that is thinking, maybe this is what it's like to get older. Maybe I should just accept that I am going to be fat, and stop worrying about it and just be how I am. The two sides cannot agree on what I should feel, much less what I should do. I have been so preoccupied with my girl's health that for months I really did not think much about my own. Now I have a little more slack and time and I am starting to do the same old thing, arguing in my head between being disappointed in myself, accepting myself, hating being so fat, and loving myself no matter what. I wonder if there is even a possibility anymore of reaching some kind of "normal" (healthy) weight... or have I used up all my diet tries already? Should it even matter to me? Should I shut up, close the blog and just forget about weight? I weigh about what my mother weighed in her adulthood... maybe it is just how it is meant to be. I tell myself I can be a good mom, a good grandma, a happy person, a friend and a success at ANY weight... and then that other headvoice says "no you can't, you'll die sooner being this fat and you can't do half the stuff you want to do this fat. WHY DO YOU WANT TO STAY THIS FAT???"

I often wonder if there is one more good try in me to get the bulk of the weight off and keep it off for good. I kind of doubt it. How can I do all of that NOW when I am so tired and jaded, when it was already hard enough to do seven years ago when I was younger, less tired and actually BELIEVED with confidence that I could do it?

This is not meant to be a whinefest, but a sharing of the thought processes I am going through right now in regard to my weight. I get on the scale more often. I look at the 253 and think, hey, good! I am not gaining. And then I think, oh my gosh, how insensitive to the numbers have I become that weighing 253 is all right???? And I feel a little horrified for a minute.

One thing I do know, is that if I am going to lose weight, I have to do it soon because once I hit menopause it is going to be nearly impossible... and, if I am going to lose weight it is going to be much harder *right now* than it was in 2007 when I was ten years younger, and more work than it was in 2010 on Medifast when I started at a lower weight and had more energy. Those two times losing large sums of weight were HARD and took a lot of dedication, focus, time, work, self control and exercise... and it will be harder now. That's if I even decide to start. And part of me knows I have to start, and it has to be the last start.


20 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

H, Lyn,

I'm going to tell you something I have often told you--I am 65 years old; if I had lost weight and kept it off when I was your age, I would have a different life now. I may even be able to see my granddaughter's face when she's more than 2 feet away.

And, here's a link I highly recommend: http://www.escapefromobesity.net/2010/08/how-to-lose-weight.html

Still praying daily for your daughter.

Deb

MaryFran said...

I could have written this post myself....even down to the part of worrying about losing weight while in menopause (which at my age is probably getting ready to start knocking on my door).

So here is what I have come up with in my thought processes....maybe it will help you!

Number one, I liked how I felt thinner. I sometimes forget how it felt to weight 175..180....even 200. I see the 242 on the scale (see the number is almost the same as yours too!) and I cheer the maintain but it's become the norm. I forget how bad 242 feels on me! But every once in a while I remember how glorious 180 was!!! How victorious 199 was! How much energy 175 had! And those moments of memory make me want to try once again!

Number two. I have the body shape/type that my mother has...and my grandmother and all of her sisters...and their mother. Genetics. So maybe...just maybe I will be stuck with this body shape the rest of my life.(but remember I tasted the sweet thin life so I know it is possible...just like you know it is possible for you!). But my conclusion was that if I'm going to be a fat hog....well I want to be a healthy fat hog! And yes there is a difference! There is obese where you can't walk up the steps without sounding like a freight train....and there is obese where you can fly up a flight is steps like you are on air. There is overweightedness where riding 20 feet on a bicycle is enough to bein on a heart attack (or maybe the threat of one) and there is the state of being overweight but being able to ride 20 miles on a bicycle! This thought is not focusing on the number on the scale or the size of my arse (oops I meant to say jeans).....it's focusing on being healthy. Eating nutritious foods and moving......yes we think that is part of weight loss (and it is) but if we get to the point where we are accepting the genetics of our body types and saying 'yup...I'm just going to resign myself to being overweight' the. We HAVE to switch that focus to living a healthy lifestyle because for me...I didn't get fat with any difficulty...it was easy! And I know how easy it could be to just let it spiral further and further out of control....and soon I would be in a wheelchair huffing and puffing just to move from the chair to the bed! (Or worse bed ridden because I ate myself into a really bad place!). Healthy lifestyle......not weight loss!!!

Number three.....never give up!!! I want to throw up my hands all the time because weight loss is hard work and my blog proves it....I'm constantly writing about failure! But when it boils down I know that if I give up totally.....I have failed! I'd rather write about my 'restarts' each month..each week...each day because the only true failure is giving up!!!!

Number four. If you need any kind of accountability partner or whatever let me know!!!! :-). (Sorry for my long rambling response....I must be feeling quite verbose today!!!)

Anonymous said...

I believe we are about the same age and I too lost weight the same amount of time ago and have gained back every pound. I hate every moment of it. Our first child is getting married this fall and I equally look forward to it and dread it only because I am fat. I also worry about menopause weight. My body is doing some perimenopause things so I need to get my butt in gear and get some pounds off. I am seeing some fritening numbers on the scale yet I don't even care to get my self moving. Anyway, your not alone. Julie

Lyn said...

Deb~

thank you, I believe in the power of prayer! And thanks for the reminders :)

MaryFran~

oh I was very happy to wake up to your long response! It gives me some things to think about and motivation/a push in the right direction. I am going to catch up on your blog today and maybe an accountability partner is not such a bad idea for either of us! Will email you. Thanks!

Anon (Julie)~

I think the regained state is much harder than the original, obese state pre-loss. I also think we will get back there at least to the point where, like MaryFran said, we are maybe still a bit fat but healthy. I see my thyroid slowing down and know things are not gonna get better from here without my active effort, so it's probably the same with your perimenopause symptoms. Let's work on this together. I hope you'll come back and share what you decide to do, or send me an email.

Anonymous said...

I am in your boat as well: 51, heavy, and menopause looming. I've worked at weight loss most of my adult life, lost over 100 pounds twice, and want to repeat it one final time (without the failure to maintain). Mind if I join you? (Trish)

By the way, I commend you for continuing to blog through all of this. That makes your blog truly unique. I was a Blogger back in the day (2009-2011) and it seems blogging has become a dying art. All the "big" (pardon the pun) weight loss bloggers seem to have either disappeared or stopped blogging about weight, especially if they gained some back. I often wonder about them. I also think it is brave for you to keep blogging because I know first hand how the bullying and rude comments go. In fact the comment that put me over the edge to quit blogging was one about how lazy I was and how that commentator had been able to lose the weight and keep it off so why couldn't I? It hurt my feelings so badly. I thought okay, you lost the weight. I am not you. My son has muscular dystrophy and I had a toddler at the time who vomited up almost every meal. Being a mother (although a blessing) makes weight loss 900x harder and I think people without children, or with loads of supportive family who helps with said children, have no earthly idea how much work they are, especially when sick! We mothers always put our children first, as it should be. I am also praying for your child and please don't feel bad about the gain. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances and when you are ready it will happen.

Anonymous said...

Whether you think you can, or think you can't, you're right.

FrenchyMcFrenchcake said...

For me at 46 the truth is that it's not the food. It's my response to regular life stresses that cause the problem. I have a therapist and a support group and I try to take the best care of myself that I can because if I don't I will be s burden to my children who will wonder why I didn't do anything to stop this train wreck. I wonder why you are not working with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders? For he it has been the key to have a neutral and experienced partner in this journey. It's not easy or comfortable but hunger is the least of the discomfort! I would urge you to think about getting help. What is the alternative?

Diana said...

Hi Lyn! I sent you an email. I tried to post it as a comment, but I was over the maximum 4,096 characters. I guess I had a lot to say. :)
Take care! Diana

LHA said...

My thoughts will be with you. I have no wisdom to share other than to say the answer about what to do concerning your weight is within you. You just have to find it. I worked a long time to find my own path, and work hard every day to stay on it one step at a time. I wish you and your daughter the very best during what I know is a difficult time.

Anonymous said...

You know when you look at losing so much weight it can be daunting. Why not just consider losing 5 pounds....thats it. Just 5 pounds and see how that goes. Then once you've acheived that five more pounds and so on. Baby steps. Good luck and God bless you and your family.

Amy said...

I think there is a whole heap of people out there fighting that same internal battle. The amount of mental energy and focus it takes to work on changing is exhausting and I feel like I just don't have it to spare sometimes. I am in perimenopaus and it's true, it takes so much more effort and it's hard because I'm already tired, but I know if I don't do something it's only going to get worse, then my joints will start to ache more and it's a big ball of "stuck". When I get to this point I go back to mindful eating, not having to control the "what" goes in but the "how" and "when" usually is just enough focus to help me realize how the food is making me feel, and to shift my body back toward foods and activities that make me feel good. I hope you don't quit blogging, your thoughts are valid no matter what you weigh or if you are "on track" or off.

Anonymous said...

What I think and what your blog bares out is doing MEDIFAST or something very like Medifast again. You can buy some low carb shakes and drink them all day and eat one meal with no carbs. You will lose fast! Trust me on this one.

Anonymous said...

If you started an accountability challenge I'd join!!

Anonymous said...

Me again! If you somehow started an accountability challenge and we supported each other I can see great things happening. Lyn you are an incredible person but you need support from us too! I started medifast about the same time as you. Lost like you did. Gained like you did. Hurt like you do. All over my body. I feel like I'm an old lady. I too have wondered if I have it in me one more time. I'm not as confident as I was before. I'm scared to think of failure.
Theresa in Alberta.

Anonymous said...

I would love an accountability group if you one day decide to do something like that! I'm 31 and sitting at almost 260 lbs... I have 2 children and want another but I don't have a period because I have extreme PCOS. When I see people at 21, it makes me wish I lost the weight and got healthy then. I'm guessing at 51, I'll be wishing I made the change at 31 if I haven't done so by then. My body aches and I don't have energy. I've got to make a change. Every day I say, "Tomorrow, or Monday, or the first of the month" But my doctor is saying that I need to lose weight and that can help me get pregnant. It's such a struggle. I appreciate you so very, very much. Your blog is seriously my favorite and I appreciate you taking the time to share, even if you're not sure what direction you're headed. Praying for you and your daughter. Hugs!

Lyn said...

Anon (Trish)~

Thanks! You're right, parenting is a lot of work but so worth it! I love my five kids and although the medical stuff is daunting, I think I have had enough time to catch my breath and gather myself to get going on this (hopefully final) weight loss "try."

Frenchy~

Very true! I did work with the only eating disorder counselor I could find in the area and blogged about it, I think it's been a couple of years ago now. I didn't find it terribly helpful, but did gain a few insights. I no longer have an eating disorder, according to the official criteria. Now that I worked through those issues, it's mainly about gathering the motivation, time and energy to focus on ME for a change.

Diana~

I got your email, thanks!!

LHA~

Always appreciate your kind words and good thoughts :)

Lyn said...

Anon~

yes, breaking it down is so helpful! I am looking at it in 10 pound increments but will definitely celebrate every 5!

Amy~

thank you, I totally agree. It can be exhausting, especially the food prep and deciding. I know I have to put in the work to get results, so I am ready to push through.

Anons~

An accountability group or challenge might be fun. I don't think I have time to set up anything complicated, but what do you have in mind?

Anonymous said...

Maybe a thread on an existing site! I'll look around and see what's out there for sites. Why reinvent the wheel right???
Theresa

Susan said...

Do the surgery.
If i could post pictures of my friend on here I woukd..I think she did the sleeve.. she is very tiny now...took less than a year and its been about 3 years now.. might be something to consider

Anonymous said...

I'm 50 and have lost and regained 95 pounds - twice - over the last couple of years. I finally got the gastric sleeve a year ago. I had to pay out-of-pocket, which took a house loan, but it was a wonderful investment in my life. I now have a normal BMI (took 7 months to lose) and haven't regained.

You deserve health.