Sunday, April 23, 2017

What to say


My heart is not in blogging right now, but with those asking if I am okay and for an update, I decided to write something today. Am I okay? No, not really. Actually not at all okay, but what can I say about it? I decided years ago not to write about my family members' stuff, out of respect for their privacy. I wish I could. I would love to ramble on and give a lot of details about what we have been going through and share my emotions about all of it. It would probably be therapeutic. But I can't, because I don't want anyone coming back later and being upset that I wrote personal details about them. So without the benefit of being able to vent, there is no reason for me to write here at all. So I haven't.

But I do appreciate the concern and the support I have always gotten here so I wanted to say something. But what? Well myself, I am just finishing up a couple weeks of antibiotics from being sick. I feel like crap and am not getting enough sleep. My husband is having health issues that are affecting all of us. But the thing I am drowning in is that my daughter was given a pretty devastating diagnosis. Her deterioration has been life altering. We have spent a lot of time seeing doctors, therapists and specialists and travelling to the hospital hours away. I have been working on getting second opinions. We went to the hospital a few weeks ago, we are going again in a week, and again in one month or sooner. She is in daily pain and can no longer dance or go to school. As much as I would like to say more, I won't, and I ask you to respect that. I am just sharing this bit so you can see how it is affecting our lives. I love her so much and if only I could take away her pain, I would.

I am very emotional inside because I stay strong on the outside because I have to. It seems SO stupid to me to say *anything* about food or dieting at a time like this, but that's what the blog is about so, the update is that I have started stress eating and feel like I am kind of losing it. I eat food as a way to cope, or quell anxiety, worry, stress. I know I have started doing it. I cram food into my mouth because if I don't I will fall apart. I feel the tears and fear and scared emotions welling up and about to spill out (which I just cannot do... I have to take care of everything and can't be breaking down) so I hurry and shove some food in there to smash those emotions back down.

I need a better way to cope but right now this has to do. After next week we will know more about the course of action and what the next few months holds. Depending on that, maybe I can find a different way to deal. I am too high stress right now to make any effort in the food or diet direction.

Hug your kids. Just go hug them or whoever you love.

29 comments:

Susan R said...

Oh Lyn, well first thank you for posting an update which I can see was not easy. I am putting you and your family on my prayer list. I have read your blog from the beginning so one thing that I know for sure is how much you love your children so of course weight loss is not even on your radar screen now. I am sending love and healing thoughts to you. ❤️Susan

Kelly Phillips said...

So so sorry for all you are going through..and I had no idea you were married! For some reason I thought you were a single mom. It's good you have someone while you're going through all of this. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through. That sounds so terrible, and scary. I will be praying for you and your family, that God will help you through this time. Thanks for letting us know you're still out there. I was getting really worried. Hugs, Natalie

PamL said...

Oh Lyn, I am so sorry. Watching your child suffer must be the most difficult kind of suffering, and nothing I would ever wish on anyone. In addition to whatever else you are going through....I'm just sorry for you. Prayers heading your way!

16 blessings'mom said...

Lyn, so so sorry you are going through this. I will keep you and your daughter, and family, in my prayers.

Della

LHA said...

Lyn, first my condolences on the medical issues affecting your daughter and your husband. There is no need to share any details in order for me to understand the anguish you feel! My heart goes out to you. Take good care of yourself in any way you can. Sending all good thoughts and wishes across many miles to you and your family.

Deb Willbefree said...

Oh, Lyn This post brought tears to my eyes. I've been praying for you almost daily and you've been heavily on my mind the last week. no wonder.

I will continue to pray for you. I will diligently and fervently pray for your daughter. Daily.

Cope however you need to cope even if it's with food. There are times when that's just the best you can do.

May you feel the Lord's arms around you and I pray that healing, miraculous healing, invades your home and restores health to your daughter and husband. In Jesus' Name.

Deb

Vickie said...

You have my sympathies. And I KNOW because I went thru something similar with one of my girls in 2014. Really tough. It took two full years to get my anxieties under control as we dealt. 2014 and all of 2015. That is how long it took for me not to be terrified, all the time. The situation continues, but I am now dealing better.

It will not help anything for you to gain more weight and have more health problems on top of everything else. You need to find other things to do.

Me personally, I used Hail Mary when I started to ruminate. That helped stop the runaway train of thoughts/fear.

And I cross stitched, a lot. It occupied my hands and mind.

And I watched a lot of cheerful things on Netflix where I did not have to pay too close of attention.

Start a notebook log if you have not already, who/what/where/when because it gets confusing fast.

And find a therapist for her (and for you) because a bad diagnosis is a huge adjustment.

Lori said...

Hugs to you, your daughter and your family!

401Sue said...

Lyn,
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Amy said...

My heart breaks for you reading this. I have been thinking about you. You are right, get through this tough spot however you can. You are right, having these types of things crop up has a tendency to make you realize what is really important in life. You are in my thoughts and my healing meditations!

MaryFran said...

Hugs to you!!!!! It sounds like you are doing everything right...and guess what...everything you are going through is directly tied to weight and weight issues...so you write whatever you want and if you NEVER mention food or exercise on a post it will still be relevant! Write whatever you need to say!!!!

Anonymous said...

When my kids were 13 and 14, my husband was in the hospital dying of leukemia. I was driving an hour and a half each way to and from the hospital every day. It struck me hard that I was going to have to be strong to get us through this, and I was not strong. I had let my weight get up to 268 pounds, my highest ever, and I was terribly out of shape. I felt such a weight of responsibility that I became hyperconscious of eating healthy. I had no opportunity to exercise, and was sleep deprived, but at least I could eat healthy. This can be such a powerful motivator. It turned out to be a real turning point in my life. I hope you can find a way to work toward making yourself strong at this time of desperate worry and stress. Thin isn't important, but strong IS.

Cyndi and Stumpy said...

Sending good mojo and powerful positive vibes. Hoping for the best for you and yours

Rose Sperlonga said...

Lyn,

So very sorry for your daughter and your families struggles at this time. Know you are in my prayers and will continue to keep only good thoughts and a pain free life for your daughter.

Thinking of you,
Rose

Rebecca said...

Hang in there Girl! You have inspired so many of us, and we want to be there for you! Life sucks in so may ways and then a rainbow! Wishing for your rainbow!

Luna1959 said...

Lyn I have been reading your blog for years. I know we will never meet in person, but I want you to know that I have followed your ups and downs all this time rooting for you every step of the way. I am so sorry to hear this news about your daughter. I hold you and your family in my heart, and pray for strength and courage. After all, what other choice is there? I am praying for your doctors too.

Betsey C. said...

Keeping you and yours in my prayers, Lyn. Be strong, and best wishes for healing to your little girl.

FrenchyMcFrenchcake said...

Ugh. so sorry. Take good care of yourself and I agree with Vickie. In a couple weeks when you know the plan get some help with therapy and whatever else you can manage to help you cope... you do have to stay strong but you also need a healthy outlet. Sending good thoughts for you and family

CARLA said...

Sending love.
xo

Diana said...

My dear Lyn, I'm so glad you posted. I was worried about you. Weird how we've never actually met in person yet I feel like I know you. I'm glad you're okay, but I'm so sorry about your little girl. I know she's the light of your life. I loved it when you posted about her, and I remember how she loves to dance. This post broke my heart. I can't imagine what kind of mental anguish and heartbreak you're going through. I hope and pray for a miracle for your daughter. I believe in miracles, and it sure sounds like she needs one now. Take care of yourself the best you can and my heart goes out to you. Kindest regards, Diana

Anonymous said...

You do not have to be alone in this. Jesus wants to help you through your struggles. He loves us and wants to save us from death and sin. He is a very present help in times of trouble. Cry out to him. Admit you are a sinner. Believe that Jesus died on the cross and rose again the third day. Ask him to save you. If you will Do this He will come into your life. He will be with you. He loves you.

MyJoy2Go said...

Lyn, I came across your blog when I did a search on SB Diet. I read through your posts and I can relate to your struggle. I have been a "weight recycler" (yo-yo) since the age of 11. I find I don't do well with stress my body and brain just doesn't cope well at all and I pump out cortisol like water. I have gained 51 pounds on this journey of weight loss started 12/28/2013 lost 86 pounds in a year using Topiramate from my weight doctor and it quit working. As a minister it's very frustrating and embarrassing because you feel like a failure and that in itself causes me a lot of stress.
Right now the stress is extremely HIGH with family issues. I have great faith and know that God is in control of my life but I believe I eat to escape the stress maybe to make it go away but it doesn't change the stress. There are days I just want to give up but this morning I said I have to try again and came across your blog. You are an encouragement!
Lyn, I will be praying for you and your family.

Janet said...

Dearest Lyn - You are not alone and I'm so glad you've let us, your readers in, if only just a little so that we can tell you how deeply you and your family are cared for. I am a stress/happy/whatever-the-feeling is eater so I know where you are right now. I can only offer this... Your darling daughter WILL come through this and she will come through it whether you have gained 10 pounds or lost 10 pounds. So as much as it goes against your nature to think of yourself first, that's what you must do to be in that great place when she's recovered.

And, if you just can't substitute prayer/meditation/journaling for food right now, that's okay too. You've been successful before and, when you're ready, you'll be successful again.

xo

Suzanne Noble said...

Lyn,
I just came across your blog and wanted to write to you because, after years of struggling with weight loss myself (like I suppose everyone else on here!), I finally found something that stopped me thinking about food, calorie counting, weighing and all that other nonsense that keeps us all in a perpetual cycle of dieting. It was actually my friend who recommended it to me, after spending most of her childhood being bullied for being fat and desperate to find a way out of yo-yo dieting. It's called a slimpod and it basically works because it retrains the brain in how it thinks about food. There's a great FB group of people, most of them over 40, who have had great success with it and I finally got back to the weight I'd put on over the menopause through using it. Anyway, I hate to sound like a salesperson but I did find it really worked for me and Sandra, my friend who now does nothing but promote it, gets hundreds of emails from people grateful to have discovered it. Anyway, good luck on your weight loss journey.
Suzanne

Grace Philemon said...

May God give you strength dear!

Marianne said...

Lyn, so sorry to hear this devastating news. I wish I could hug you, make casseroles, be a neighbor.

Alison said...

So sorry to hear about your daughter! I know you've had to go to many doctor appt's hours away over the years for her and also you son (i think?). It makes me so sad she is going through this, and very sad for you to do all you can to help her and probably still feel helpless a lot of the time. BIG HUG!

Lyn said...

Alison, yeah, we had a lot of appointments for her when she was little, but all of that resolved for the most part when she was 3. This new stuff is unrelated/unexpected. And yes, 2 of my sons had medical stuff but both are adults and doing pretty well now. Thank you for the support.