Sunday, January 22, 2017

Where Ya Been?


Lots of emails and comments have been asking, "Where ya been??" It's been over a month since I posted, so I thought I'd stop in and give a little update. Last time I was here I weighed 253 pounds. That was eleven days into December. Well, for the most part I continued on through December with my relaxed, non-tracking, non-calorie-counting approach. No binges, but I *really* enjoyed the holiday parties and feasts we took part in! My carb intake went up as I celebrated with holiday baked goods, cookie parties, and probably too many potatoes, and so my weight also went up... another 7 pounds by early January. That's not so great for my body, but was a relief for my mind. I think I finally spent enough time lowering my level of stress around eating. I think food really *is* finally "normalized," which is what my eating disorder counselor told me I needed to do so long ago. At the time, I wasn't ready to follow her suggestion. I could not imagine ever being able to eat just one cookie or one serving of potato chips, but at the same time couldn't fathom ever having a life with NO bread, pasta, or other carbs. Just thinking about those things revved up my anxiety terribly. So did the thought of eating whatever I wanted (which is how she suggested I normalize food) and the weight gain that would surely follow.

I finally feel free of those obsessions, and ALL of the food feels normal. Better still, the thought of restriction has become an unemotional thing for me. Finally, when I ask myself how I feel about any kind of restriction, the answer is, "I'm fine with it." I am. In fact I think I could start counting calories again right now and not feel triggered or anxious or restricted at all! That's a new, wonderful feeling. I don't think I need to do that though, at least not right now. I'm working at chipping away at those extra pounds I gained over the past 5-6 months (16 pounds) and then I will keep on going until I get back to a weight that supports a healthy blood pressure and pain-free joints. I'm back to eating low carb (skipping the sweets and breads and most grains) and most of my carbs are coming from vegetables. I've been looking online at keto recipes and I think I'll incorporate those into my eating from time to time.

So that's what I'm up to! Christmas was a joy and it was nice to just not put *any* mental energy or focus on weight or blogging or pounds or food. I came back refreshed and ready to tackle this (bettering my health through weight loss) with all the energy and enjoyment I have in me! Yes, I gained weight; it was a necessary part of the process. I like to see it as an investment in my recovery from disordered eating: if 15 or 20 pounds gained temporarily is the price I had to pay to recover, it was well worth it! There is nothing so sweet as the mental and emotional peace I feel about food. And I can now go forward without fear of being triggered or having food anxiety as I do whatever I need to to to get those pounds back off.


10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're back! You sound like you are in a mentally healthy place. I always wondered if someone can heal from an eating disorder without inpatient help. I hope that is just what you've done. It gives me hope.

Maria

Anonymous said...

I'm in the same place girlfriend. Started at 292, lost weight around the same time you did, but hit diet fatigue and gained every pound back over the years. You inspire me to try again. I use to binge eat but over time with therapy stopped that behavior. This time will be the last time WE have to lose.

Anonymous said...

You say you are working to get pounds off; does this mean you are dieting again? Are you afraid this will trigger you? I would like to know more details of what your diet looks like now.

Lyn said...

Thanks all! Last Anon, I wouldn't call it dieting, really. I don't weigh or measure any of my food. I eat smaller portions and I avoid the things that I believe make it hard for me to lose weight: high carb foods like grains, breads, and sweets. I have had a lot of years finding good substitutes for high carb foods, such as using cauliflower in place of potatoes or adding extra veggies to soups and chilis instead of beans, rice, or potatoes. The only things I am actively restricting are sweets and breads/pastas. I am fine with a bit of dark chocolate or some honey in my tea once in awhile, but I know I am just as happy with spaghetti squash or zucchini spirals as I would be with actual pasta... so why not make the healthier choice? There are plenty of low carb recipes on my blog (most of them on the Recipe page) so I am making use of those as well as searching Pinterest for keto and low carb recipes.

Some recent meals to give you and idea what I am eating:
veggie omelets, protein shakes, or eggs, bacon and cheese for breakfast
sandwich "wraps" made from sandwich fillings (tuna, cheese or deli meats wrapped in lettuce leaves)
homemade soups like chicken/vegetable or beef/vegetable
taco salads (ground beef taco meat, cheese, salsa, sour cream on lettuce salad)
rotisserie chicken and mashed cauliflower
smoked salmon with cream cheese and olives
protein bars and drinks
stir fry of veggies and chicken strips

As soon as the weather stops being so cold and snowy, I will add walking to my weight loss/better health efforts. I've been pretty sedentary for the last month or two.

Anfisa said...

This is not meant as critique but if you know how to eat "right"..... how come you keep gaining weight? Aren't you worried about your overall health? :-( :-(

Lyn said...

Anfisa~

The whole reason for doing this is because I am concerned about my health. I had gone on and on for almost a decade, losing and gaining 100+ pounds. Knowing how to eat right was not the problem. The emotional chains of disordered eating, obsessive food thoughts, and compulsion were the problem. I kept regaining even after successful losses because I had not totally addressed the emotional issues, the anxiety about restriction, the feeling of being trapped when restricting. If I had not worked those issues out... even with some weight gain... I would have never been able to lose the weight. I'd just go on for another decade, knowing what to do and how to do it, but unable emotionally to sustain it. So now, I guess we will all find out if things have *really* changed, for good.

MaryFran said...

Woohoo! It sounds as if you are in a really good place to be in!!!

Amy said...

OOh the lettuce wraps sound good! Nice to have you back!

Susan R said...

Happy to see you back Lyn!

16 blessings'mom said...

I am glad you're back! I was getting worried. Onward!!!

Della