Lots of emails and comments have been asking, "Where ya been??" It's been over a month since I posted, so I thought I'd stop in and give a little update. Last time I was here I weighed 253 pounds. That was eleven days into December. Well, for the most part I continued on through December with my relaxed, non-tracking, non-calorie-counting approach. No binges, but I *really* enjoyed the holiday parties and feasts we took part in! My carb intake went up as I celebrated with holiday baked goods, cookie parties, and probably too many potatoes, and so my weight also went up... another 7 pounds by early January. That's not so great for my body, but was a relief for my mind. I think I finally spent enough time lowering my level of stress around eating. I think food really *is* finally "normalized," which is what my eating disorder counselor told me I needed to do so long ago. At the time, I wasn't ready to follow her suggestion. I could not imagine ever being able to eat just one cookie or one serving of potato chips, but at the same time couldn't fathom ever having a life with NO bread, pasta, or other carbs. Just thinking about those things revved up my anxiety terribly. So did the thought of eating whatever I wanted (which is how she suggested I normalize food) and the weight gain that would surely follow.
I finally feel free of those obsessions, and ALL of the food feels normal. Better still, the thought of restriction has become an unemotional thing for me. Finally, when I ask myself how I feel about any kind of restriction, the answer is, "I'm fine with it." I am. In fact I think I could start counting calories again right now and not feel triggered or anxious or restricted at all! That's a new, wonderful feeling. I don't think I need to do that though, at least not right now. I'm working at chipping away at those extra pounds I gained over the past 5-6 months (16 pounds) and then I will keep on going until I get back to a weight that supports a healthy blood pressure and pain-free joints. I'm back to eating low carb (skipping the sweets and breads and most grains) and most of my carbs are coming from vegetables. I've been looking online at keto recipes and I think I'll incorporate those into my eating from time to time.
So that's what I'm up to! Christmas was a joy and it was nice to just not put *any* mental energy or focus on weight or blogging or pounds or food. I came back refreshed and ready to tackle this (bettering my health through weight loss) with all the energy and enjoyment I have in me! Yes, I gained weight; it was a necessary part of the process. I like to see it as an investment in my recovery from disordered eating: if 15 or 20 pounds gained temporarily is the price I had to pay to recover, it was well worth it! There is nothing so sweet as the mental and emotional peace I feel about food. And I can now go forward without fear of being triggered or having food anxiety as I do whatever I need to to to get those pounds back off.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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