We have turned into a sick house here this week. My daughter came down with something first... fever, vomiting, all that kind of thing... and then it spiraled into everyone having a bad cold, and then one of my sons who already had the bad cold also started with the fever and vomiting. I have, so far, been spared the stomach issues but what I do have feels a lot like the bronchitis that turned into pneumonia that I had in the past. That was misery, so I am taking extra care of myself right now so that whatever this is does not get worse.
What does this mean for my eating, though? If you've read my blog for long you know that when I am sick and miserable, I don't lose my appetite. I eat for comfort. I eat a lot of carbs. I often just give in to whatever sounds comforting. This time, those usual comforting foods somehow do not look as comforting to me. Without the disordered food thoughts, cravings, and desire to have the pleasure of sugar comfort me, I am able to decide to eat things that will make me REALLY feel better... not just while I am eating them, but afterwords. The sweets I used to want when sick (banana bread, chocolate pudding, ice cream) do not appeal to me *at all* this time around. I shared earlier how my desires are evolving and sugar somehow tastes like pain to me (instead of seeing it as yummy, I have a negative feeling about it because of the physical joint pain it causes me). The only way I have been able to "hear" what my body really wants and needs is by the cessation of the cravings... which only came about by allowing myself to eat without restriction. Kind of an interesting cycle...
Anyway, the foods I am craving while I am sick have really changed. I crave soup. Lots of soup of all kinds. I have had beef vegetable soup, tomato soup, and chicken vegetable soup (with noodles). I have had oranges, apples, eggs, and buttered toast. Lots of water and tea of all kinds (unsweetened) and hot tea with fresh lemon slices and Manuka honey. I have some bone-in chicken thighs roasting in the oven right now and I'm going to make some chicken soup with it (plus carrots, onion, celery, garlic, and herbs). I crave acorn squash so I will bake some later. Tomorrow I will roast some Delicata squash. I may even make up a salad... something I *never* in my life have craved or even wanted to eat when I was sick. Salads were never a "sick" food for me... but now, without the food obsessions yelling in my ears, I an free to hear what my sick body is truly asking for (even salad!). Now that I no longer have to feed the *disorder,* I am free to feed *myself.*
It's also asking for rest, so I cancelled my therapy dog visit for the morning and cancelled a service project I was planning to help with tomorrow and instead I am spending both days at home, resting, reading, sleeping, and taking very good care of myself. I deserve that. Funny thing, I can even "hear" my body asking to go for a walk outside in the fresh air! If I had been on an enforced workout schedule or counting steps or making myself bike or walk X miles a day, I would not have heard this request from my body. So I will get out and take a gentle, short walk today as well. Funny how when you stop trying to force yourself into doing things to lose weight, the freedom from any negative emotions about dieting, weight, and exercise dissipate and you are left with your true self, telling you quietly what you really need.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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