Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Not Dieting


Hey I hit 250 this week! Not miles on my bike... no, that would be zero... but 250 pounds. Yes, I got on the scale yesterday and that's what I saw. That is up 5 pounds from the last time I weighed (I think. I have not been writing it down). I also had to go out and buy a pair of size 20W jeans because the 18's got too tight. I figured I would share here because I do want to have some sort of record of my weight while I am healing from disordered eating. Speaking of which...

Here's some of the choices I have made recently. I did not make my eating choices based on weight *at all.* Sometimes I made them based on health. Sometimes I made them based on what I felt like eating. Other times I ate what was easiest, what was available, or what was offered. Occasionally I regretted eating something, but not because of weight/diet. Instead, I regretted it because it was not as good as I'd imagined and the health impact of that food was not worth the taste of it. But the best thing is I remained calm about my food, eating, and weight. I have had zero anxiety, stress, or obsessive thoughts about food and zero occasions of compulsive eating. That is my victory.

Breakfasts: some mornings I ate hearty meals. Other days I just had black coffee all morning. If I wasn't hungry, I just skipped it. Today I had leftover thin crust spinach Alfredo pizza for breakfast. Another day I had a bowl of vegetable soup. On a trip, we stayed in a hotel and I ate scrambled eggs with sausage gravy on top, and a fresh apple. Several days, I had a poached egg or two... with or without bacon, and with or without a piece of toast. One day I just had a protein shake for the morning.

Lunch and Dinner: I've cooked soups several times and included lots of vegetables and protein in those, but not pasta or rice. I've had some canned soups, too... mainly tomato or cream of mushroom. On our trip I had a dinner of chicken fried steak with gravy, a baked potato, green beans, and a salad with Ranch. I was only able to eat half of each part of that meal, but it was very good. I have let myself enjoy foods that I had crossed off the list years ago due to being fried or breaded or higher carb. But as you can see, all those years of cutting those things out didn't result in weight loss anyway. So I am enjoying what I want and making healthy choices for *most* meals... although I did have some sweet potato fries and a caramel fudge sundae this week too.

Snacks: I eat fruit for many of my snacks: apples, Clementines, pears, berries, melon. I had cucumbers dipped in Ranch a time or two. I also have raw almonds sometimes, or a string cheese. If I want crackers I have them, but I find I don't really want them very often.

Yeah, my old Diet Self would say I am indulging and making bad choices. But I am done being ruled by guilt and making food a moral issue. I firmly believe that after all these years of dieting, the only way I am going to get to a comfortable weight and be healthy for good is to let go of all of that and let my body naturally lead the way to where it wants to be.

Feeling good today, and looking forward to fall and the holidays! Hope you are too.


33 comments:

Josie said...

Ugh. I appreciate your honesty, but this isn't a moral issue. Gaining 5 lbs per week when you're already obese is a health issue, especially with bad knees.

My body led me to my highest weight ever which resulted in me getting the VSG SLEEVE. Which I HIGHLY recommend, btw.

Hillary Gras said...

Have you been consulting a doctor regarding your new way of eating?

Lyn.. your body cannot afford to gain weight. I fear for you..

Anonymous said...

Um . . . congratulations?

Lyn said...

Josie~

5 pounds is nothing. I gain and lose 5 pounds in a couple of days sometimes. Not concerned. Mostly water bloat from the salt and carbs. I haven't taken WLS off the table but I think I am not going to need it :)

Hillary~

I haven't talked to any *new* doctors about weight and diet. For sure I will get my checkups done as usual including my A1C blood sugar level, thyroid panel, etc and will listen to any input my doctor has.

Anon~

Thanks! I feel great.

Anonymous said...

I am proud of you for taking this leap of faith. Finally.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you feel great. But what about next week? Are you still going to feel good if this upward trend continues?

In my experience, at some point you have to just knuckle down and do it. I still have about 15 pounds to go & im realizing I can't hit my goal if I just exercise... I have to eat well too, and keep an eye on my macros.

Anonymous said...

This is deeply concerning. It sounds like drawing a line at too tight clothes, as discussed in the comments, didn't happen. So what will be your line, Lyn? There has to be one. There is a line whether you choose it or not, so you might as well be the one picking it.

Is the line 275? 300? Is it a size 22? A size 30, when you can't fit in Lane Bryant sizes? Is it your car seatbelt getting too tight? Not fitting in a seat at the movie theater?

You're not there yet, but I urge you to draw a line that feels like "no way I'll get there," so I'd you do - it is a reality check.

I honestly thought 250 would be a reality check.

Lyn said...

proud Anon~

Thanks!

next Anon~

no more knuckling down for me. Knuckling down is what has kept me fat all this time. There is too much tenseness in that for me. I think it is great that you are doing what gets you to your goal and I wish you all the best!

last Anon~

no line. I am done drawing lines. I am done *reacting* with fear and stress to numbers.

JazzyMae said...

I am proud of you for embracing your life with out the constant worry. Any one who has read your blog for years knows your struggle with food. Embracing your life with out the constant thought of what sort of food, how much an so on has to be a relief for you and your family.
So happy for you, Lynn.
Its all going to come together for you! How exciting for you all!

Rose

Susan R said...

Hi Lyn, I hear the frustration in your post about the "dieting", but I am concerned that the weight gain is going to lead to depression. I care about you and while I do not have any magical answers I just want to wish you every happiness.

Amy said...

There is a certain kind of peace about letting go of everyone else's voice and listening to your own. I believe there is a reliable voice in all of us that tells us what we need, and since you have not binged or gotten out of control I think it's a brilliant way to reset your body, and while people tend to vilify certain foods and tell you you are on the wrong track for eating them, it sounds like those foods made up small portions of your menu. To me that's normal eating. It's hard to break diet mentality but I think so many people would be happier in life if they could just let it go!

LHA said...

I have a few questions. These are real questions, not criticisms, and I really do want to know the answers. First, do you have any definite idea that you would like to lose weight in the future, or do you feel like whatever your body leads you to weigh will be okay? Second, if you do think that you will lose weight in some future time, do you have any plan for how that will happen? Is it your idea that by taking the stress out of eating and food choice that your weight will just naturally move downward to what is a normal weight for you? Last, do you have any health concerns related to your weight, or are you thinking that you can handle health issues without losing weight? This is an interesting approach and I definitely see what you are getting at with not stressing over food. I adopted a similar attitude about food myself (coupled with some very serious eating changes, though) I'm just curious about what you're thinking. Whatever your ideas are, I really wish you luck!

Lyn said...

Thank you Rose and Susan :)

Amy~

exactly. And this is something that was elusive to me for so long. I really *could not* eat things like cookies and cake in moderation for a long time. One cookie ALWAYS led to a whole batch of cookies. I had to resort to force to "make" my body lose weight with restriction, but it didn't last. All the steps I have taken over the past ten years have led here, to a place of peace with food.

LHA~

no problem! Questions are always welcome. Yes, I do want to lose weight (notice I am not saying "plan" to lose weight) and if I had to specify I would say I feel a LOT lighter, better, and more energetic below 220. Once I am under 200 my sense of wellness increases even more.

I don't think my body ever led me to be morbidly obese... or obese at all. I firmly believe it was my mind... my emotions that led me to obesity. So even when I took "control" over my body by forcing myself onto some diet plan, way of eating, or exercise plan, I lost weight but my mind led me to regain. But now, I am working on the mental and emotional side of things exclusively. And I think the quiet that comes as a result will allow me to "hear" what my body needs and wants... and I trust my body. It wants to be healthy and pain free. So I expect that to happen fairly naturally as long as I am paying attention.

I do have concerns about health. My joint pain is worse when I am heavier and I am more prone to injury due to my lack of balance. I know my eating and my weight affects blood sugar and blood pressure. Those things need to stay in check. That's partly why I am doing what I'm doing. Hope this answers your questions!

Meryl said...

Lyn, I support you and I understand. As long as the disordered cycles continue, the "problem" continues. I think you are on the right track and will find health and vitality and potentially, weight loss, once you get a grip on this. In a healthy way. In a way that doesn't require white knuckling for limited amounts of time (because white knuckling is, by nature, a temporary state) and then the crazed "making up for lost time" mentality. Anyone who has struggled with compulsive eating at any level gets this. I will be continuing to follow your journey as I have for many years now. And honestly, I am sorta right there parallel to you. Even after having WLS (almost 7 years ago now) I am in a battle every single day with this. I am tired of battling and desperately want to normalize my eating patterns also. This is NOT the mentality I should supposedly have in the post WLS community's mind, but this is where I am at. Rearranged guts, absorption issues and still battling fat and disordered eating every.single.day.

Kira said...

People who express "concern" over your health are not considering the impact on your body of living in constant stress and anxiety.
Fwiw, I think you are brave and wonderful. Being overweight is not the worst thing in the world. Being miserable and disempowered is far worse. God bless on your journey.

Rachel Smith said...

I, too, can easily gain 5 pounds in a day or two from salt and bloating. That in itself isn't necessarily a problem.

More important that you are feeling good and learning to listen to your body!

Deniz said...

I truly believe that you are right to listen to your inner voice and make peace with what and how you eat, taking the focus away from stress and 'dieting' disorder. You have tried so hard over the years - maybe this has been the missing link for you.
Once you have that calm in place (and you will, I have no doubt) you can then decide whether a 'plan' of some kind to lose weight is the next step for you, or not.
I can also relate to 5lbs not being a massive deal in a week - a kilo (2.25 lbs) overnight, up or down, is not an irregular change for me.
I wish you every success and look forward to hearing about your progress. You have always been an inspiration to me.
Hugs,
Deniz

Xani said...

Best of luck to you on your journey for health and peace! Our mental health and happiness certainly should not be ignored.

Lyn said...

Thank you SO much for the supportive comments, you guys. Really, it means a lot to me to know that some people do see the sense in this. Your kind words really bring me even more calm and peace about what I am doing :)

Anonymous said...

Is there a reason for avoiding the bike? You seem almost pleased to report zero miles.

R said...

Glad you are focusing on prioritizing mental health! I hope you will find a therapist/psych doctor who is a good fit for you!

Lyn said...

Anon~

I am neither pleased nor dismayed to report zero miles... it's just a fact that I want to record. I'm not avoiding the bike. It's there and when I want to ride it I will... but not "to lose weight" or as part of a diet plan and not out of guilt or feeling like I "should." Right now my focus is on FULLY recovering from all of my past disordered eating issues. :)

R~

Thanks! I am no longer looking for a therapist and do not see any need for a psych doctor, but if I become depressed I will certainly address it.

Anonymous said...

How do you plan to recover from disordered eating issues when:

1. you still list in great detail here what you are eating, so clearly you are still obsessing about food, and

2. you have no interest in a sustainable pattern of eating globally recognized healthy food? Eating junk food whenever you want it is not a sign of a fixed disordered eating issue. It's using 'intuitive eating' as a rationale for eating junk.

Lyn said...

last Anon~

1. Listing food is not obsession, otherwise everyone who blogs, tracks, and shares their food is obsessed. I am sharing in general what my eating looks like because that is part of readers understanding that I am not restricting any food categories anymore.

2. I don't think there is a globally recognized healthy diet. Some doctors/specialists/articles say eating vegan is healthy. Some say Atkins style is healthy. Some go for low carb and some say a diet based on whole grains is healthy. The only thing I can think of that everyone agrees on is that eating vegetables is healthy, and I am doing that. Also, let me be clear I am *not* claiming nor practicing "intuitive eating." I am also not eating junk food whenever I want it. I am quieting the disorders and allowing myself to be calm and undistressed about my food and weight.

Anonymous said...

I think sometimes people forget that you are not just a fat person trying to lose weight. You have/had BED and probably some kind of food based OCD. Just going on a diet ("eat less, move more") is not going to work for someone with complex issues like that anymore than "just eat more and stop starving yourself" will work for an anorexic. Kudos to you for taking control of this and fixing the underlying issue.

Lyn said...

last Anon~

You're right. I totally agree. You cannot fix an eating disorder with a diet!

Anonymous said...

Eating disorders are a sub-category of anxiety disorders, generally. The eating (or lack of eating) is a maladaptive response to control/soothe the stress.

It absolutely makes sense that you can't cure stress (anxiety) by adding more stress (dieting). Many people won't ever take that leap of trusting their body and mind and letting go of the anxiety, because they legitimately feel that their lives will spiral out of control if they aren't actively dieting/tracking/restricting. Kudos to you for being willing to give it a try.

Anonymous said...

Would you mind sharing what you ate today? I find it hard to believe that you are not restricting in any way (not that I disbelieve you, but that I cannot fathom such a huge change in the way you have always been with your diet). I hope this does not come across offensive. I am more curious than anything, how you are not dieting but also not binging.

Lyn said...

Anon/ED~

I very much agree. Thank you.

last Anon~

sure. I don't weigh or measure my food, so this is my best estimate from memory for today:

Breakfast: black decaf coffee, 2 eggs scrambled, 2 bacon, 1 toast with butter
mid day: coffee with sugar free vanilla syrup and half & half
Lunch: a couple slices of ham, a slice of cheddar, a Clementine, handful of almonds
mid afternoon: iced coffee with half & half, Snickers bar
Dinner: bowl of homemade taco soup (lean beef, tomatoes, onions, beans, seasonings, tomato sauce) topped with a little shredded cheese and a spoon of sour cream
evening: scoop of pumpkin spice ice cream

Anonymous said...

I long for this. I admire you. I'm so sick of having my emotions tied to food and beating myself up mentally for 1 donut, feeling depressed because I drank one soda, feeling ecstatic because I ate a healthy meal or went to exercise. the highs, the lows. It gets old knowing that every single food will trigger you some way and make you immediately feel good or bad about yourself. I'm excited for you and can't wait to see/read about you getting better and better.

Lyn said...

Anon~

yes! Exactly. You describe the roller coaster really well. I just HAD to get off, permanently. It is so nice NOT being triggered, not stressing about it, and learning to be content. I hope you can find that and I hope I can stay there! Thank you for the comment :)

Anonymous said...

Hopefully you can find the peace for a healthy mind and body through letting go of rigid eating plans. One of those things for me was to let go of the idea of set meal times. I find that I function better if I have a protein shake in the morning, and if I get hungry during the day, have a snack of soup, or nuts, or fruit. If I am hungry I will have something small but usually too much food during the day actually causes me a bit of a sugar crash, and with a busy schedule I usually don't have the time or inclination to focus too much on food. If I work out I will eat more during the day, but not a huge amount more - the number of calories burned by working out usually isn't as large as we think it is, I do it more for health reasons.

Then at night I usually have whatever I want, as along as I make vegetables a major part of the meal (e.g. last night it was pasta with roasted vegetables, cheese and chorizo), and I usually follow up with some kind of treat - there's a fancy chocolate brand that I love so I have a moderate portion of that almost every night. I have lost 20lbs since July by eating this way, I want to lose another 10 but this is a way I will be eating for life.

I wonder whether you are perhaps eating more than your body really needs or wants by following the three meals + 2 snacks a day mentality, plus dessert. While nothing you are eating should be necessarily be off limits, a reality check of fat levels and calories might perhaps mean that portion sizes need to be reigned in. There is nothing bad or wrong in the way you are eating, and with a history of disordered eating making any type of foods completely off limits you are absolutely setting yourself up for failure, but if you do want to lose weight / fat eventually you may need to look at quantity. You may even find by listening to your body you might not want so many sugary snacks.

All the best.

David Dane said...

The scale deceptive. That is why I am not posting my weight as much. If you exercise as much as you said then you may have added muscle. Muscle is denser than fat. Try using a measuring tape on your waist,chest, arms and legs.