Thursday, October 6, 2016

No More Drama


I am happy. I feel content. For the first time in a lot of years, I actually think the whole "issue" of eating, weight, diet, and being upset at how I look is gone. I mean it is *really* gone. I can't remember ever feeling this way before, going back to when I first developed disordered eating... which was probably about 20 years ago. All this time, all of it, I have had that nagging feeling that I am not good enough, that my body needs something about it changed, that there is something wrong with my eating or my activity level or just something wrong with *me.* I always wanted to be something I wasn't. I was always trying to be something else: thinner, more active, less obsessed, smaller. Even when I got 103 pounds off I was not content. Yes I was happy about the weight loss... thrilled about it... but I was still wanting to lose MORE weight and was horrified about the loose skin situation. I was never really just content with the place I was *right then.*

I have had the voice of food obsession nagging me from the back of my mind over most of the past 15 years. I was a binge eater for a long time. Compulsive eating destroyed my inner peace. And when all of that was quieted, usually by a change in diet over months (like when I was on Medifast or AIP), I *still* had the edgy feeling that I was not enough, I needed to be doing more, be more perfect. I should move more, take more steps per day. I should strength train. I should bike, I should walk, I should eat less carbs, more protein, less calories... I should, I should, I should... all the way into a feeling of never quite being content.

I have come to the realization that *those* inner voices... the ones telling me I should be doing xyz or I should fit into a size 8 or I should be smaller... those are just as disordered and just as unhealthy as the obsessive eating voices. I did not know how to make it stop, or even that it was possible for it to stop, or healthy for it to stop. I thought that this drive to change was *good* because it would make me do whatever I needed to do to get healthy, lose weight. Obviously that is not true. Somehow over the past couple of weeks, after my trial with calorie counting and then letting that go, I also let everything else go. I don't mean I went back to chowing down on junk or binge eating or just not caring about myself. I mean I let go of all those expectations and demands and *shoulds* I have been putting on myself for so long. I didn't let it go consciously; it just happened. Gradually over the past couple weeks as I stopped fighting myself, let the obsessiveness fade, ALL of that inner dialogue stopped. And just today, I noticed the silence. I suddenly *heard* the silence... the lack of inner drama about my weight and what I "should" be doing and about food and exercise and all of it. And in its place, there is this beautiful peace. I can't even describe it. I haven't "heard" it in almost two decades. But I hear it now.

I am very much soaking in the peacefulness of this state of mind. There is a self acceptance and calm I have longed for. I wish I could tell you how this happened, but it just did. I guess I stopped trying to force myself into things, without stopping trying to just do nice things for myself. I made some soup last night from many healthful things... vegetables, grass fed beef... and I did it because I love myself and I wanted to make something good. It had nothing to do with any weight program or diet or shoulds. If I had wanted to make a cheesecake I would have made that instead. I had a really great vegetable panini today for lunch and it had nothing to do with cravings or inner drama or weight or any of that. I walked today for the joy of walking and to see the leaves changing and smell the fall air, and it had nothing to do with fitness or weight loss or shoulds. Does that make sense? I am living to live. I am doing to do. There are no goals or shoulds and as a result, no more guilt. This is the best I have felt in a very long time. I know true contentment and happiness.

Where this takes me, I don't know. It will take me somewhere. I hope I always feel like this and never get caught up in the drama of food and diet obsession again.

15 comments:

Cyndi and Stumpy said...

I'm really really happy for you! I hope someday to get to the same place.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful! I also suffer from an eating disorder and pray I will get to experience that peace, someday soon. I am working with a counselor but I'm not sure that's the ticket out of here. Thank you for continuing to share your story.

Anonymous said...

That all sounds good until you realize your health issues are going to come back with a vengeance.

Lyn said...

thanks Cyndi and anon!

last Anon~

I doubt it. Internal drama was not improving my health. The past five years of stressing over weight and diet did nothing to improve any health issues.

Lynna said...

THIS is PROFOUND!!! You are in a place of freedom and self-acceptance... and from this place, free of the "shoulds", you are free to make choices based on self-love. Wow!

Anonymous said...

You are so inspiring. I believe that now that you've got your head straight, the weight loss will follow. Best of luck!

LHA said...

How wonderful that you are feeling so peaceful and fulfilled! It may be possible that you will decide that weight loss isn't worth the angst and drama that comes with the attempt and to live your life perfectly happily at your present weight. I have read articles about others who have made that decision and I can honestly understand it. Best of luck to you wherever your path leads you!

Marianne said...

Hi Lyn,
Been reading for years and commenting occasionally. So happy you've got to this place, you worked hard to get here. In my experience, the "should" voice will come back once in a while. You'll usually be able to ignore it, but sometimes you'll have a bad week or two. Just take care of yourself and eventually you'll settle at a size that's comfortable and stable. I hope you'll be happy and able to stay in this place.
Marianne

Anonymous said...

are you just going to get fatter and fatter?

Lyn said...

Anon~

Gee, I hope not! But if I do, I promise to be happy anyway.

Anonymous said...

Will you continue to weigh in weekly? Even if you do decide to stay around this weight for your mental health, it seems like putting some level of structure around it will help ensure you maintain rather than go up.

I know for me, the scale seems to either be going up or going down, and if I'm not weighing in -- even if I'm ok with staying the same -- it is likely to go up, sometimes dramaticallyou.

It is easy to say no drama at the beginning of taking it easy/maintaining, but for me it is more like I'm bottling up the drama to explode out later when I get on the scale and it has gone up more than a couple lbs.

Lyn said...

last Anon~

I will weigh when I want to know how much I weigh, but not because it is a certain day of the week or month and I "should." I want to keep the pressure off as much as possible, to just let the diet obsession die, but sure, sometimes I might be curious what I weigh and then I will step on the scale. I am not overeating, and am probably eating *less* junk now just because there is no pressure to avoid it and the emotional charge has left, so I wouldn't think I'd gain much.

JM said...

I have felt this way too fleetingly. I hope it lasts for you. There is a diet out there, maybe I have referenced it before to you, the TFID? It s the F&*^ it diet, and it sounds like what you are doing. It is a way to reset and heal. It did not work for me as I have a fairly active and stubborn ED but I did find some of the ideas helpful. There is a balance to be found with the pursuit of health, and relaxing all those shoulds, etc, that feed the ED.

Anonymous said...

If you've ever wondered what it feels like to be 300 lbs, I think you may find out in the next couple years unless something changes. And honestly, take it from me - it sucks. I've been 260 in the past and I've also been 310. There is a world of difference between 250 and 300 in terms of mobility, ability to "fit" in public like booths and even car seat belts (backseat in smaller cars), ability to find clothes (being larger than a 22 is really challenging because you no longer can usually shop at department stores in the plus section, you are limited to LB/Avenue/etc), and pain goes way up for me at that size. It isn't linear, there is a break point between "fat but somewhat normal fat in our society" and "morbidly obese and becoming unable to function normally."

I'm now 180 lbs and every day is a battle. I hate that it is, but it's true. However, even with the battle, my life is a thousand times better. Sometimes I forget that, because we adapt to our new normal so quickly.

Please please do something to ensure you catch any gains before they get you over 250. The path from 250 to 300 is shockingly short if you aren't weighing regularly and aren't tracking your food. Maybe something like getting rid of any clothes sizes larger than you currently wear and making a pact not to buy anything larger? If your clothes get tight that is your sign to cut back?

Lyn said...

I hear you, anon. I am at the upper limit of comfort and mobility. You're so right about how quickly it happens and how miserable 300 would be. The highest number I ever saw on the scale was 283, and I vividly remember that "hellish nightmare." I never want to be there again. Let me clarify that my response to the other anon, who asked if I wanted to just "get fatter and fatter" was a bit tongue in cheek, because I would not be able to live life as I live it now once I get past a certain weight. I am taking your suggestion of clothing as a guide/barrier to regain seriously. Thank you for that. It is a pretty non invasive, low pressure way to gauge how it's going. I *am* curious about my weight though and will get on the scale and check things out sometimes too. I really appreciate your comment, thanks.