Monday, October 31, 2016

Evolution of Desires


I didn't do a weigh in post yesterday. Even though I am doing this "no more restricting, no more white knuckling, no more forcing myself" thing and I don't have a set weigh in day or any set blogging schedule, it still crosses my mind to weigh in on Sunday. It was a habit for so long, and I don't mind doing it even now. I just don't do it out of obligation. Anyway, the scale is steady at 250 and I am fine with that.

What I have wanted... what I desire... has been beginning to evolve ever so slowly. When I first threw all the dieting and "shoulds" and weight loss goals aside, I desired to eat many things I had not let myself enjoy for a long time. Years, even. I decided that if I wanted to eat something then I would eat it. I would not *binge*... and have no desire to. But I just eat. No good or bad morality associated with any food. A piece of cake is no less righteous than a bowl of steamed broccoli. I just let all the emotions that swirled around food calm down. I let the desires be fulfilled. And because of that, I feel, those desires are free to evolve.

Do I eat sugar? Yes. Because I like it and I wanted to have it. But I have noticed something this week. I have noticed that my desire for sugary things is changing. It is not changing because I think sugar is bad or because I "should" avoid sugar or because I want to lose weight. It is changing... get this... because my joints hurt. LOL. That's a funny thing to say, right? Because for YEARS I have known and shared that when I eat sugar, my joints hurt. This is nothing new! They hurt anytime I eat sugar but a lot of the time, that has not deterred me. I wanted it, so I'd eat it and suffer the consequences. And if I tried to reason with myself and make a rule that I would avoid sugar, I'd still want it. I had the argument in my mind with the disordered eating voice: "I shouldn't eat that... my joints will hurt later." "But it will taste so good! And you really want it. Imagine how great it will taste!" But strangely enough, now that ALL the disordered thoughts are gone, and the "shouldn'ts" are gone, it is much simpler. I think, "That will make my joints hurt." And then I walk away. Now, I am losing my taste for sugar. Funny thing, suddenly sugar tastes like pain. So it's not so tasty looking anymore.

This is how I'd hoped my eating would evolve: I would truly WANT to eat in a beneficial way, NOT for weight loss or because I *should* but because that is what I actually desire. This is just the first sign of that evolution, and I am feeling very content about that.





7 comments:

Gina Loya said...

Love this example of self awareness. Your journey is good.

Rachel Smith said...

Sugar and excess grains make my joints hurt, too. How did the cleanse end up working out?

Lyn said...

Thanks, Gina.

Rachel~

It didn't really seem to do anything, unless it contributed to my reduced desire for sugar.

Anonymous said...

Sugar puts me in pain too. I assume it is from inflammation.

I still have times that the sugar desire roars back to life, and within 24 hours (especially first thing in the morning), I'm feeling it. Even relactively light pressure on my skin feels like I'm badly bruised.

I do have to have a strategy to pull myself out of those sugar spirals when they hit. I've really realized nothing is forever -- my desire for bad food is never permanently gone, and when I'm in a bad choice zone, realizing that isn't permanent and I can change it sooner rather than later is very powerful.

Anonymous said...

I am impressed. This is very similar to my process with a therapist to overcome Binge Eating Disorder. I think you are on the right path.

Anonymous said...

11:43 anon again -- I've been thinking about this post this afternoon and just applying it to my own life. For me, it is less about the "Evolution of Desire," and more about "The Shifting Nature of Desire." Personally, I have gotten myself into trouble by thinking I have "evolved" past certain feelings or risks, and I've found it helpful to think of them more as in remission but may come back. When I assume I have a problem licked and then it comes back, I can get panicky, feel like all my hard work has been undone, and like I will never be fixed. By recognizing it is a pendulum that swings, for me, I don't stress as much when the feelings come back and recognize it as a bump in the road instead of a diverging path.

Another analogy that has helped me is thinking of turbulence on a plane. When I'm not expecting it, it is very jarring and can amp up my adrenaline and make me worry. But when the Captain comes on and says "We're expecting some turbulance, nothing to worry about and we should be through it in about 10 minutes," it doesn't stress me out nearly as much. I think expecting bumps on our journeys can help prevent those bumps from turning into mountains we can't get over.

Lyn said...

Anon~

that is so true! It is a remission. We can all fall back into disorder at any time. Thanks for the good analogy, too!