I didn't do a weigh in post yesterday. Even though I am doing this "no more restricting, no more white knuckling, no more forcing myself" thing and I don't have a set weigh in day or any set blogging schedule, it still crosses my mind to weigh in on Sunday. It was a habit for so long, and I don't mind doing it even now. I just don't do it out of obligation. Anyway, the scale is steady at 250 and I am fine with that.
What I have wanted... what I desire... has been beginning to evolve ever so slowly. When I first threw all the dieting and "shoulds" and weight loss goals aside, I desired to eat many things I had not let myself enjoy for a long time. Years, even. I decided that if I wanted to eat something then I would eat it. I would not *binge*... and have no desire to. But I just eat. No good or bad morality associated with any food. A piece of cake is no less righteous than a bowl of steamed broccoli. I just let all the emotions that swirled around food calm down. I let the desires be fulfilled. And because of that, I feel, those desires are free to evolve.
Do I eat sugar? Yes. Because I like it and I wanted to have it. But I have noticed something this week. I have noticed that my desire for sugary things is changing. It is not changing because I think sugar is bad or because I "should" avoid sugar or because I want to lose weight. It is changing... get this... because my joints hurt. LOL. That's a funny thing to say, right? Because for YEARS I have known and shared that when I eat sugar, my joints hurt. This is nothing new! They hurt anytime I eat sugar but a lot of the time, that has not deterred me. I wanted it, so I'd eat it and suffer the consequences. And if I tried to reason with myself and make a rule that I would avoid sugar, I'd still want it. I had the argument in my mind with the disordered eating voice: "I shouldn't eat that... my joints will hurt later." "But it will taste so good! And you really want it. Imagine how great it will taste!" But strangely enough, now that ALL the disordered thoughts are gone, and the "shouldn'ts" are gone, it is much simpler. I think, "That will make my joints hurt." And then I walk away. Now, I am losing my taste for sugar. Funny thing, suddenly sugar tastes like pain. So it's not so tasty looking anymore.
This is how I'd hoped my eating would evolve: I would truly WANT to eat in a beneficial way, NOT for weight loss or because I *should* but because that is what I actually desire. This is just the first sign of that evolution, and I am feeling very content about that.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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