Saturday, September 10, 2016

What's Going On

An update, or maybe a continuation of my post yesterday, which was written from a place of fear and desperation. I still have it underlying. But I am still working through it. I do want to thank you all who left comments and answer a few things. A lot of you mentioned OA. Funny, I had written a paragraph about OA in that post and then deleted it because it seemed like a lot of blather, but basically what I said was this. Before I wrote the post, I sat down and looked up all the possible weight loss support groups in my area, from OA to TOPS to WW to a private group. I contacted all of them either by phone or email, and found that most of the meetings were at times I could not attend or were 30-45 minutes away. There is a TOPS meeting closer to me so I may give them a try. I did OA meetings a couple of times in the past, when they were not far from my home. I also have done OA online but never with a sponsor (not sure if they even do sponsors for online participants). I am definitely in a place where I would like some kind of weekly meeting for support in this, so I hope the TOPS meeting pans out.

I wanted to give a general idea of what I meant by saying I failed all week, so here is a look at one day:

I started out the morning with my usual cup of black decaf coffee. After I got ready and took my daughter to school, I came home and ate. Here's the rest of my day:

Breakfast: 2 slices of bacon, 1 egg, 1/4 c zucchini grated and sauteed, and 2/3 c cantaloupe. Another cup of coffee with 2 T. half and half
Snack: protein hot cocoa
Lunch: 7 T. hummus and one sliced cucumber with sugar free peach iced tea
afternoon: decaf coffee with 2 T. half and half
afternoon, hungry again: 1 leftover bratwurst with onions and peppers

I got very cravy later in the day and ate 2 whole, freshly picked tomatoes with just salt.

At dinner it "fell apart," at least I felt like it did because we had all these lovely tomatoes and fresh lettuce from the neighbor's garden, and everyone was eating BLTs and I just WANTED one. So I used whole wheat bread (and felt like... yes it is too high carb, but better than white) with bacon, tomatoes, lettuce, and mayo.

This was a rather early dinner (at 5) and later, when people were eating ice cream sandwiches I had a cup of decaf coffee with 2 T half and half. And then, I gave in and had an ice cream sandwich, too.

I weighed, measured, and tracked calories all the way through this and at 6 pm I was at 1406 calories, 132 g carbs and 65 g protein. If I would have stopped eating at this point it would have been fine!!! But I felt like I had failed because of the bread and the ice cream sandwich...  and something went on emotionally, about this... and I drove to the gas station and got a Hershey bar and ate that, came home and had some cheese and crackers and a diet soda. I did not measure them and did not add it to my tracking for the day. Instead I gave up and felt like I was a failure.

This is typical of what I have done all week. Eating not ideal, but not horrible, but then something flips my switch and I lose my bearings. Like if dinner is provided and I don't have any idea what the calorie count is, I bail on the tracking and eat MORE than usual. And if something like a cookie is available that normally I would say no to, I find myself thinking "I can fit this into my calories today" and eating it, only to feel like a failure again EVEN THOUGH it DOES fit into my calories, and just quitting later in the evening. Really dumb, I know! I know it is my head so why?

Today once again I am attempting to track a solid day. It is almost 2 pm and I am at 694 calories... a bit high for this early in the day, but really okay. I am trying not to go over 1500/day as a starting point. I also biked 3 miles this morning and plan to bike again in the evening.


Amy said...

We are hard-wired to fight deprivation by seeking out high-calorie foods, especially if we have genuine physical hunger. I know when I am eating clean for a week I usually end up feeling crazed, sick of never feeling "full" even though I'm not hungry, then I eat something greasy and filling. 2 ideas I have: get more good fats in your diet (they help with inflammation anyway and help you feel fuller longer). Also, have you considered or tried writing in a treat each day? At least in the beginning it can help ease the mental discomfort of restrictions. For instance, when I was on South Beach, they encouraged a sweet treat every day, 2 sugar-free fudgesicles or another sugar-free treat. If it is part of the plan you won't feel like a failure when you eat it. As time goes on, you may find that you need less of it. Just a thought.

LHA said...

I just read your last two posts and all the comments. I appreciate your candor and also the people who comment, as I always learn a lot from reading it all. I'm so sorry you are stuck in this bad place right now, but I would be willing to bet that most of us have been in that very place too. There have been a lot of suggestions made that might help you or others who have struggles of their own. The ony thing I can add is to echo those who urged you to be kind to yourself and treat yourself with love and not criticism and self-hatred. When I have a bad day with eating (or a bad week, month, etc) the first thing I try to do is just stop overeating. No diet plan, no counting anything, just go back to eating only when I am hungry and keep food choices as healthy as possible. At this point I don't rule out any foods or food groups. The second thing I do (once I have accomplished the first step) is to give up sugar all together. That can sometimes take a while and a few false starts. After that it is cutting down on other carbs and then I just try to keep it this way. I have learned after years of weight up/weight down and self loathing that sometimes eating just isn't going to be good but it can always be corrected. Truly one day at a time, as well as one step at a time, is the only way I can do it. I don't know if this will help you at all but maybe it could just take the pressure off of you while you decide what your next course of action should be. Wishing you all the luck in the world!

Anonymous said...

Just a note Oa is not a diet and calorie club... It is a support depot for those who desire to stop eating compulsively. Working with a sponsor is a whole different experience than going to meetings without . So if the tops doesn't work out maybe think about it

Jessica can eat said...

I started to track my calories again this week, I was tracking 1200 and realized it was a bit low to start so I went up to 1400. Snacking during the day has been the worst for me at work, but I'm feeling hopeful with the new job I'm starting I can get that under control (No cafeteria!)

I really wish I liked black coffee, coffee creamer will be the death of me! ha.

Anonymous said...

Just remember that cravings aren't emergencies. You don't need to listen to them. Ignoring them can be pretty uncomfortable, but you need to accept that you're going to feel some discomfort.

MargieAnne said...

Hi. Sorry you are feeling so rotten and having a hard time with what you think you should be eating.

Just looking at that day you have described and thought you had failed.... I don't think you ate enough protein. What's wrong with eating 2 eggs for breakfast. Nothing!! I can't see that you had much protein or any fat for lunch. No wonder you were hungry later in the day.

I know how this works because I do the same thing. Once I'm hungry it's almost impossible to eat the way I want to and avoid the things which set me up for more hunger and cravings of 'off plan food'.

My experience is that if I want to lose weight I cannot eat one slice of even the highest quality bread. Any bread made with grains will set me up for cravings and stop weight loss. That's how I have gained around 25 pounds in the last 2-3 years.

If I am really serious about losing this extra weight I must not only keep an eye on calories consumed but eliminate all grains. This is hard and I don't seem to be able to make a clean break right now.

Almost every person who maintains a healthy weight or who is determined to lose weight must choose what foods are not useful to them and just bite that bullet. It's hard. It's tough. But only I can decide for me whether it is worth the pain.

Years ago I was told that women need a good protein burst mid to late afternoon. A suggested snack was a handful of nuts or cheese or even an HB egg.

Here's a tip that works for me when I follow it. When I go to bed, before falling asleep I plan the next day in my head. I imagine how my food and exercise will be. When I sit down with my first cup of coffee of the day I write out my meal plan. I'm far more likely to stick to my plan if I have it written down before one thing goes into my mouth.

I find this far more helpful than trying to track as the day goes along. Sometimes my day doesn't go to plan but that's okay because any modification is more likely to be close to the PLAN.

Anyway I don't want to sound as though I have all the answers and my way is the best way.... because that would be far from the truth.

All the best as you continue to work through this patch.


Vickie said...

I can see the fat-salt-sugar loop going on in what you wrote. Do you see it?

Have you considered drinking plain water only? I see something going on with the beverages you list also.

Kristi said...

Seven tablespoons of hummus is quite a lot. Maybe try 2 tablespoons, a single serving, and a fat free Greek yogurt to help with protein and a lot less of the fat and calories. Add a salad for bulk. Add egg for breakfast. I love a light and fit fat free Greek yogurt afternoon. 7 grams of sugar and 12 protein for 80 calories. Pop it in the freezer for a couple hours and it's like ice cream. Keep chugging along.

TheAgonyOfBeingFat said...

At least you keep starting over! Try, try again...

Anonymous said...

You've inspired me to get to work on my diet, too. I sit here eating fast food every day when I could be at least trying to get better. You never give up, I shouldn't either. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I think a big part of your problem is protein. You're lacking in protein. "Protein hot cocoa" is liquid. You could have eaten some actual food there and felt satiated much longer. Your hummus lunch wasn't going to be particularly filling either. If you're going to diet on relatively low calories, you need to make good use of your calories. Try eating better food. Do you know what 200 calories of grilled chicken or shrimp or white fish looks like? That's so much chicken/fish that many people won't want to eat it in one sitting. Assuming you're going to minimize carbs, try eating things like egg whites, chicken breast, white fish, and other lean proteins. Get creative with your seasonings where you can. Add a little bit of fat to your vegetables and make roasted vegetables and season them well. Dieting doesn't have to feel like deprivation if you're smart and strategic about it. Part of your borderline binge issue is that you're not eating and I don't mean in terms of calories, I mean in terms of actual food...Things you chew. Leave things like hummus for a small side snack, same with protein drinks. Use them in an emergency, not as an actual meal or snack.

I'm glad you're going to try to find some sort of support group. Hopefully that will help you too. Don't give up. Just change strategies.

Anonymous said...

Here is a suggestion!-- I am a decaf coffee drinker too. Have you heard of bullet proof coffee? I sometimes when I know I am not really hungry have one and I have to tell you it is really good. Google it and decide for yourself.

Here is what I use:
1TBS Coconut Oil
1TBS Butter
1TSP Sugar Free Vanilla Coffee Syrup
1TSP Cinnamon
1-2 Splenda to taste.

The high fat content does squash the need or feeling that I need to eat!-- and the vanilla and cinnamon add a sweetness treat. I put this in my blender and blend it smooth. It does not need half and half or heavy cream because it will be very frothy like a latte.

Pam L said...

I like what LHA said, and agree with her.

I'm so sorry you are having these struggles. I lost 40 pounds from Nov 2015-April 2016 at a program called Quick Weight Loss Center (it's local). I felt great! But I think when I was doing that the calories must have been somewhere in the range of 1000 per day. I never figured it out- they don't tell you- because I really didn't want to know. It seemed really low! Anyway, since then, I have gained back 12 pounds. And I am sad about that. They called me to come weigh in for maintenance a couple weeks ago, and I FLIPPED out. It stressed me out so much that I seriously ate out of control for 3-4 days. Then I realized that I don't have to go if I don't want to! I am trying to re-lose the pounds I've gained, but I want to do it my way, not their way (low calorie, low fat). Anyway, I'm on the right track tracking what I eat and exercising and I feel good. I know I can do it. It might be slow, but I can do it. You can, too! But you have to do it your way. If you eat a candy bar once or twice a week, so be it. If you want to track, track. If you don't, figure out what else will work. Get some help and support for the mental road blocks. You can do it, Lyn! I love reading about your journey. And it is a journey- for all of us, that will probably last the rest of our lives! So hang in there! :)

Anonymous said...

"potatoes not Prozac" explains why this is a brain issue and not a body issue. explains why you can feel confident and determined one day, then tank the next, over and over and over again for years and years and years. it explains how fixing your blood sugar issues is important, but it is only one of THREE important components, not the whole thing. it validates the "I feel crazy and I don't know why" that you're talking about. it explains why you can heal the underlying emotional disorders that caused you to binge in the first place, but still chemically feel driven to eat even when you don't want to, even when it doesn't emotionally satisfy you, even when you yourself don't even understand why the fuck you do this any more when the psychological reasons aren't as strong. the brain chemistry is still primed for it.
going through the program works, but it helps if you are going through the program with the attitude of: "I am healing my brain, not fighting my body." if you ever reach the point where you tell yourself: "even if I need to be fat for the rest of my life, I REFUSE TO LIVE ON THIS ROLLER COASTER ANY MORE," it will probably be helpful. it's not a quick fix. but it's an actual fix: chemically, behaviorally, psychologically.

Darcy Winters said...

I am in about the same boat that you are. Need to do something - but what? If you are interested in WW - there is a great Facebook group that is full of support. I found it more helpful than the meetings, but at the time I was trying WW - my heart just wasn't in it. Now, I'm looking at it and also contemplating trying Dr. Ludwig's plan in the book Always Hungry. You don't keep track of anything, but you have to follow his plan of what you can and can't eat. He has some interesting thoughts on weight loss that really make sense. But...I keep talking myself out of it because I don't want to fail yet another weight loss plan. :-(

Hollie Johnson said...

Please. Please. Please. Buy and read The Obesity Code by Jason Fung. It will open your eyes to WHY this is so hard. You are not alone. This book was a game changer for me, and someone else I recommended it to just told me it was life changing for her, too.

Let me know if you need to talk...

Anonymous said...

Hey! You are not doing badly! I find I do better with a larger lunch, and then save my carbs for dinner. I sleep better if I have carb heavy, lower protein dinner, but you have to figure out what works for you. Maybe a BLT but as a salad, not a sandwich, so you still get the flavors, but more lettuce, etc. I've also done better having a dessert or treat during the day instead of at night. Good luck!

Rachel Smith said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough patch. I agree with Anonymous above - when I focus on protein, protein, protein plus good fats, I am much less likely to want to binge or eat other junk. Hang in there!

Melodie Muraski said...

Any updates Lyn? How are you doing? Hugs

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn,
lots of good suggestions, I have a small one to add, I have started taking ALA, Alpha Lipoic Acid. I take 400 mg in the morning but you can take them before every meal if you need to. It helps control blood sugar, and has helped my cravings, google it before you take a whole bunch of it, I've read that high amounts (1200-1800 mg/day) can cause dizziness or other side effects. But just taking the small amount in the morning helps my blood sugar crashes a bunch. It's not very expensive and is an easy thing to try.

If this helps you I'll tell you about another supplement I take that controls cortisol, but it has a name that's hard for me to remember.

One other thing, not realiy a suggestion but what works for me,
I know calorie counting is the way to lose weight, but I've never had much success with actually counting. I do what someone already mentioned a few posts ago. I try to eat a 300 cal breakfast, 300-400 lunch, and then I can eat a little more at dinner, because I get hungry at night. I've cut out pretty much all snacks. so this is counting but more in "chunks" of time, not adding up everything. When I try and keep too close of a count, I think about food all the time and just eat more than if I wasn't counting calories.

Anonymous said...

I do exactly the same thing. I get through the day eating and logging and when evening comes I over do it and just keep going.. :(

30 will be a good year said...

Are you still biking?

Jennifer said...

Hi Lyn, don't see your update this week so I am checking on you. Prayerfully you are in Good Spirits. "See You Soon!"

Joy said...

Are you OK, Lyn? Sending love
J x

Xani said...

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. Sending you strength and peace. Evenings are the toughest for me as well. I used to snack all the way to bedtime (even if it was just "healthy" stuff like fruit or a little nut butter). Since I started intermittent fasting I've been able to cut out nightttime eating entirely (I usually fast from 8pm until noon the next day) which I have never been able to to before. For me I guess having a "rule"- it's after 8pm, no eating allowed, no exceptions, has been effective.

Also, re BLT cravings- try it as a salad next time! or, wraps using romaine lettuce leaves to hold the bacon and tomato. Yum :) That meal is in my regular rotation, especially this time of year.

Lyn said...

hi all...

don't worry, I'm okay! Just stuff. Will blog soon. Thank you for checking on me!