My eating is really NOT going well right now. It's not. I would say this week my eating has been the worst it has been in a couple of years. I hate this one thing about myself... my freaking out about food and diet. I love so much about my life but then there is this huge black cloud of obesity and food disorder always hanging over. This week I counted calories part time every day but what's the use in that? I got no useful data because not ONE day did I track everything I ate. Not one day did I eat NO junk. In fact my junk consumption skyrocketed. I know I am disordered about food. I know it runs deep. This isn't me being a stupid lazy person who refuses to track. There is seriously something wrong in my brain in the food/weight department. I hate it, I really hate it. Don't you think that if I COULD turn it off and eat right, I would? Don't you think it causes me distress when I set out to do something and fail? It hurts.
Today even felt like a binge. Emotionally it felt like a binge. It was not NEAR the volume I used to eat so I think, nah, not a binge. But when I feel those feelings, like I MUST EAT this food now, I know it is not normal. And it is LEADING BACK to binge behavior. I feel it... something I have not felt in like, 5 years. And it scares me.
There is not a single diet in the world that can fix this. I have given up on the medical community in regards to eating disorders aside from anorexia (they seem to be able to get decent treatment around here). I wonder if ANYTHING will ever fix this. Six doctors, at least as many counselors, and a psychiatrist all have basically given me nothing that has helped. No clear path.
I am sorely tempted to shut it down and give up, for real, for good. I can't though, I just can't do it. There is something, I know there is something, whether outside of me or from within me, there is something that will fix this and I will be well. Somehow.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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