Friday, September 9, 2016

I Hate Posting This

My eating is really NOT going well right now. It's not. I would say this week my eating has been the worst it has been in a couple of years. I hate this one thing about myself... my freaking out about food and diet. I love so much about my life but then there is this huge black cloud of obesity and food disorder always hanging over. This week I counted calories part time every day but what's the use in that? I got no useful data because not ONE day did I track everything I ate. Not one day did I eat NO junk. In fact my junk consumption skyrocketed. I know I am disordered about food. I know it runs deep. This isn't me being a stupid lazy person who refuses to track. There is seriously something wrong in my brain in the food/weight department. I hate it, I really hate it. Don't you think that if I COULD turn it off and eat right, I would? Don't you think it causes me distress when I set out to do something and fail? It hurts.

Today even felt like a binge. Emotionally it felt like a binge. It was not NEAR the volume I used to eat so I think, nah, not a binge. But when I feel those feelings, like I MUST EAT this food now, I know it is not normal. And it is LEADING BACK to binge behavior. I feel it... something I have not felt in like, 5 years. And it scares me.

There is not a single diet in the world that can fix this. I have given up on the medical community in regards to eating disorders aside from anorexia (they seem to be able to get decent treatment around here). I wonder if ANYTHING will ever fix this. Six doctors, at least as many counselors, and a psychiatrist all have basically given me nothing that has helped. No clear path.

I am sorely tempted to shut it down and give up, for real, for good. I can't though, I just can't do it. There is something, I know there is something, whether outside of me or from within me, there is something that will fix this and I will be well. Somehow.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear this Lyn. Vyvanse is the only thing that has helped me. I hate that I need it, because it feels like a moral/willpower failing, but it is stunning to me the difference in my thought process on days I don't take it. It calms down that overactive obsession with eating. I paired it with cognitive behavioral therapy (and had to try several counselors until I found a great one). You're right, it is the thought process and feelings that are distressing, even if the volume of food isn't that bad. When the volume or food choices are bad, then it is more distress on top of that from the compulsive feelings.

Vyvanse is relatively new for BED, maybe 2 years? Have you explored it? It isn't a long term commitment and is pretty easy to wean on and off of. As long as your blood pressure and other health is good, I don't see what you have to lose from trying it for a month. It gave me that "willpower" I didn't think I had, and by that I mean it calmed the obsessive thoughts.

Anna said...

So, Lyn, change is hard. Just when we think we have our habits/defenses/behaviors licked, something happens to trigger them all over again. And it's more frustrating the second, or third, or ninth time around, to see those old things come back. But still, at least for myself, I know I don't have to start over again from point 0 those times: it seems true for you, too, since you haven't regressed back to the full-size binges.

I know it's hard to lose sight of the progress that you've made, especially since the weight benchmark clouds it up, but realize that you may have too hard of a grip on it right now. If you can relax a little (highly recommend some type of meditation), you'll probably ease into the calorie counting, or whatever you choose to use for losing weight. In my own experience, turning points sometimes come when I am at a low point. Maybe it's the same for you? The most important thing I can think of, when trying to change myself, is to keep getting up, never giving up. Good luck.

JM said...

Get thee to Oa

Anonymous said...

Have you tried overeaters anonymous? (OA)
Or try phentermine from a diet clinic, it will suppress your appetite and cravings.

Anonymous said...

Metformin in generic form is cheap (often on the 4 dollar list) and has a decent track record for curbing cravings and binge eating. People have it prescribed for more than just diabetes, including metabolic disorder, PCOS, binge eating and countless other reasons.
Best wishes.

Taryl said...

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. It's a deep and difficult thing and you're right that medicine can't or won't help, I haven't decided which.

Hugs to you :(

Marie Smith said...

I have been lost lately. Emotionally. In March of 2012, I took a look at my health and didn't like what I saw. I saw that my mother didn't move much and sat in a recliner all day and that was her life. I had enough and started watching what I ate and exercising. I am addicted to food and I overeat. But, my desire at that time to not be where I was headed was strong enough to keep me on path. I lost 155 pounds in just over a year. I moved cross country to be with my mom last year. When I got here, she didn't even recognise me. Then, I watch her health deteriorate and fast. The misery of that had me reaching for wrong foods and overeating as a way of dealing with everything. My mother passed away this past January. I am sitting here 90 pounds heavier. I didn't gain back all of my weight, I guess that is a good thing. I am depressed. I hate that I let myself down, that I let down everyone else that said I inspired them. But, I do not want to gain more, I want to feel as healthy and great as I felt 90 pounds ago ( and I wasn't even at goal). I am struggling because what helped me lose the weight was my mom. What drive me to keep losing was to get home to show her what I did, then teach her to do the same. I am lost. I need more than that (being healthy) this time. I am trying to drink more water and workout. Right now, that is all I can handle. I have two jobs. Drink more water and move more. After I figure that out, I will focus on food. Good luck. Praying we can both get our heads back in it.

gorilla said...

Have you ever considered OA? They work with the addiction part and offer valuable peer support.

Cyndi and Stumpy said...

OK, Twinnie, we're in the same boat, again. We can't give because continuing to try is the only thing that keeps us from blowing up, totally. And blowing up will only further impact our health.

Notice how I put blowing up first? Like that's more important than our health. It's not, I know that. But my brain just doesn't work that way. It's disordered.

Keep on keepin' on

Mya said...

Hi having been in your shoes many times I empathize greatly. All I offer is keep trying and lose whatever guilt you feel when you eat the wrong foods. I'm not 100 percent able to do this but alot of the time I can. Letting go of the guilt and self deprecation may hopefully help Best wishes!

Anonymous said...

Get the book "Praying God's Word" by Beth Moore. There is an entire chapter called "Overcoming food related strongholds." This book, for the believer, is a game changer. I bought a little spiral with index cards and wrote down all the prayers and some of her commentary ( ex. "None of us can master ourselves. Some yokes may be more obvious than others, but all of us have had them. God is the only one who can sanctify and make every part of us whole... and He will do it"). I also put in some prayers from other sections of the book that spoke to me. I tucked this book in my purse and for the first few days it was a lifeline. Whenever I felt out of control or obsessive I would pray some of the prayers, desperately, and feel control come back. I am actually starting to slip again, and I have stopped reading my prayers. I am going back today. It has helped me so much. It is one of the most helpful, gentle books I have ever read. Full of truth and guidance. I cannot recommend her book any higher!

One more example of her commentary that helped me, "God will never allow us continued success through our pure fleshly determination to "touch not, taste not, handle not." He knows we would end up worshipping our own wills and methods. Through the might of His Holy Spirit released through the authority of His Word, we are empowered to say no to the things we should--to our excess, with holdings, compulsions, and harmful consumption a-- and say yes to freedom, moderation, and better health. When we bow to God's authority, we invite Him to take control, and He is the One who does it, as 1!Thessalonians 5:24 tells us""

Sorry this is so long, but this helps-- this is the only thing that has given me lasting control, and It have been out of control for years. Best of luck to you. I will pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Get yourself to an OA meeting today. (You'll get a sponsor, some help in making a plan, and accountability.) They will help you to get honest with yourself. If you are very honest, and you decide that you really do want to do something to stop this crazy, look to OA members with long-term food sobriety for guidance (rather than the rest of the internet).

Therapy would be great, in addition, but in my experience the WHY of your self-abuse with food does NOT matter. Stop over-thinking and DO.

For those of us who've struggled similarly (spinning your wheels for decades it seems and suffering the whole way) and have overcome, the answer is EASY. The work itself is challenging, yes, but is it more miserable than what you're already doing to yourself? That's for you to answer.

Anonymous said...

I was looking back at your posts from last December, when you had been away from blogging for months. It seems like your mind and your body were both in a much better place at that time. Do you think it could be helpful to step away from blogging again? Not to feel responsible to the entire blogosphere? Because, really, you're only responsible for you. And if dropping the whole calorie-counting idea and returning to a more relaxed relationship with food would help you, go for it. I don't know how much the medicine you were on last December was affecting your relationship with food, maybe quite a bit, which would make it harder now if you're not still on it. But it makes me so sad to read about your current struggles, when less than a year ago you sounded so hopeful.
-Beth T.

Gina said...

Lyn, have you ever tried OA? I did for a bit and found a group that was very supportive.

Vickie said...

I almost mentioned this when you were talking about counting calories not working for you.

When I got very tired of counting, I used Kay Sheppards "schedule/grid" and it worked really well for me. She gives you an outline and serving sizes and you fill in the blanks. So there isn't counting.

I personally do not use artificial sweeteners. So I just did not use that recommendation.

And I used whole foods as my basis for using her plan, so the no wheat did not bother me. (So, it lines up with your csa boxes easily.)

Kay works with food addicts. People who will eat themselves to death. So she is very aware of triggers. She is aware that things will set people off on a binge (I think of this as the salt, fat, sugar loop). I respect the fact that is where she is coming from. I took what was helpful and ignored the rest (like the artificial sugar which I do not do and would never recommend).

A lot of her writings are now old, but I think the outline of her food schedule/grid and the serving sizes are really helpful. And it can be tweaked slightly/easily. Again, take what is helpful and leave the rest.

What I like is that it was pretty mindless for me. I could just stock my kitchen and then fill in the blanks. It was not "what in the whole wide world do I want to eat?" But instead it was "what do I want to eat from the safe foods I have ready?" This is when I started cooking my meat the minute I walked in the door from the store, and keeping myself stocked. I still do all that. I have a basic list of things that are ready to go all the time. Proteins, veggies. I still use measuring cups as serving spoons.

I think it is possible your inner addict brain is being a brat and flipping out. I do not think throwing up your hands and declaring nothing will ever work is productive. At all.

If you were dealing with a tantrum toddler you would just figure out to get in the line at the grocery store with no candy display, and that they needed distracted, and exercise and quality food and sleep were really important. You would not put up with the drama. You would teach them.

I felt like a lot of the issues I went thru were because I did not grow up in a productive way. I think I missed a lot of things that were suppose to happen, I missed a lot of steps/development. And I had to teach myself.

I think it helps to think of ourselves as a science experiment and just figure out the next step. Forward. Little drama. Reality. Trying to be simple, not complicated. I have - cut the crap, what is really going on here, what do I really want to happen - moments with myself quite frequently. I used to make myself sit in a chair, facing the wall, and breathe thru it. This is when I was learning to stop eating 24/7 and to eat at meal time. Timeouts, instead of food outs. That turned into meditation.

I still think you need a very good therapist. But I realize you have had trouble finding one. I think you just keep looking.

LucilleMc said...

Please don't give up. Forget dieting or losing weight for awhile. It will clear your head and you'll know when its time to start back up watching what you eat. But don't give up.

JazzyMae said...

Simple question....
Did you ever think that IF you did shut it down and just relaxed with your eating, thoughts and so on you might just not binge?
It sounds simple but for me who has tried every thing and have always fallen off the wagon so to speak just gave up. I threw it all up in the air. I was so worried on a daily basis of what went in my mouth, how much I moved. Who I was going to disappoint if I wasn't perfect. The perfect eater, exerciser , perfect every thing.
One day I went away with my husband. We went to some place to eat and I stressed about what i could have! I mean right there I was having a melt down! Away , on a mini vacation! I cried... like an idiot.
God bless him he relaxed me and I knew right there I had to let go of it. It wasn't healthy for me or anyone around me. I was the diet police! Cake? ME? NO way! Not touching my lips!!
I went to the doctor and she confirmed I was a bit of an idiot my way of thinking. LOL
But I had to be told.
I've let it go. I don't binge at all. I haven't gained a ton of weight. I gained a few lbs. That is it. Not horrible... and I'm much more relaxed in life as a whole. Its silly isn't it? How much we really think of ourselves? You have done so well. Riding your bike is a great way to maintain your life now. Relieve stresses. Congratulate yourself on that.

It always baby steps...
Take care of you! :)

Anonymous said...

I have been feeling like this myself lately. The last month or so. I'm not actively trying to lose weight right now (though I should be) but the out of control, I know I'm not hungry so why am I STILL eating? feeling is so very familiar. I wish I had an answer for both of us. Just know, you are not alone.

SunnyTechGirl said...

Try OA. The people at Overeaters Anonymous deal with these exact issues. Just give it a try. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Yes OA can be a great rescource!

Sam J. said...

Please don't for a second believe anorexics have it any easier getting treatment.

Anonymous said...

Here's my 2 cents: Be good to yourself. Get a really becoming haircut. Buy some outfits that look great on you at the weight you are now. Don't put loving yourself on hold till you lose some aspirational amount of weight. Take pride in yourself as you are, and you will want to feed yourself well, too. You don't need to punish yourself over this weight thing.


Anonymous said...

actually if you were going to pick a medication for weight loss, you could try Belviq - it's like an antidepressant-type medication but really helps change the neurotransmitters in your brain that are bent on getting you to eat. i think it's safer than phentermine. my friend lost a lot of weight that way because he just didn't feel compelled to eat more than he needed to.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn, I really hate admitting it too. I am a very emotional eater. I feel better with food. Always have and I do not think any drug will ever take that away. Right now I am focusing on really staying faithful to myself. See I will never entirely eliminate life's roller coasters. My BF mom passed this week. This weekend ended in Lasagna and Enchiladas, and a fresh homemade chocolate cake, neither of which were even close to low carb.

I will say this tho. I much rather have that moment then stay there. Instead of making super gigantic trays like a I normally do for a family of 4- I made what we would eat in one day. Mind you tho, for the family side of things, the servings were still too much. I am looking for a way for them to be satisfied with one serving instead of 5. We are not there; very very far from it. I am at least grateful that they did get it cleared out so I would not keep sampling. Good for me but not so good for them. And I blame myself for that. AFTER ALL I am the one that made it.

I think being honest about it is helping me. See for so many years I have hide this from everyone. Even those closest to me. Did not want my husband to see that I just at $20 worth of junk that I just bought from the corner store.

Have you tried having an accountability partner? -- Maybe someone you can send a pic to before you put it in your mouth? I would like someone like that!-- I think if I had to take the pic, I would be less likely to consume it.

Nine Dark Moons said...

It's a never ending battle, for sure. I am going to the gym 3x a week and doing my virtual ride across the country (thanks to you), but my eating is still crap. I am focusing on the exercise now and hoping the eating will someday catch up. I eat healthy stuff, just way too much of it. And chocolate is always my weakness. Hang in there, my intuition is that counting triggered this latest set back. I can't count/track food anymore. Too many years of doing it and it leads to binging and sometimes binging/purging. Sucks. No easy answer.