Sunday, August 28, 2016

Stupid Choices

Time is ticking by. I feel like I am running out of time to fix my health and get this weight off. Biking is a great habit, but it's just one facet of the whole picture of better health. My eating this week has been so back-and-forth and resulted in a zero loss on the scale this week. I keep doing the same stupid things, like craving Coke when I am PMSing and going to the store to buy ONE CAN of Coke. Not diet Coke, not Coke Zero. Real Coke. I tell myself how great it is that I bought ONE CAN and only drank half, but this is pure bull. Coke is something I crave during PMS. It is also something that is screwing my health... yes, even one (half) can.

Again with the stupid stuff like stopping at the new ice cream store for "just one scoop" because it is homemade and high quality and I threw out the cone and all of that. And with the French bread with dinner because I know how good it tastes and I want a piece. And the hash browns with breakfast because after all they are a vegetable and I am only having a little bit with my healthy eggs and fruit. All of this, little sprinkles of unhealthy choices against a canvas of GOOD choices, always seems so justified to me. Yes I had a cheeseburger on a bun, but I ate fresh CSA box produce and lean protein the rest of the time! Yes I had a donut hole at church with my coffee, but the coffee was black and hey it was just a hole, not an entire donut. All this rationalization and justification is what is keeping me mired in fatness and misery.

I am tired of being huge and in pain, and tired of saying I am tired of it. I am tired of remembering how great I felt at 175 pounds, and looking in the mirror and realizing that I weigh 242 pounds and it is wrecking my joints and my body in so many ways. I feel exhausted most of the time and the last 2 weeks it is getting worse and worse. This is bull crap! I have it in my power to fix this, so why am I not doing it? Sometimes I wonder if obesity is a mental illness.

So I bike (not yesterday because, of course, I needed a "break" and after all, that Coke made me so tired after the caffeine wore off so I skipped the bike and rationalized that I would bike extra today, which I haven't) and I eat low carb and healthy "MOST" of the time (except when I feel like eating spaghetti and meatballs or a piece of lemon pie) and my health continues to crash and burn. I ain't getting any younger, 50 is looming a few years out, and honestly all I can say is this behavior is bull crap. Total bull.

I can sit here on the couch typing and drinking Snapple while declaring that "now's the time to change" and "I am not going to act like that anymore" and "I am done making excuses" but the reality is none of that matters if I don't get off my ample butt and DO IT. So I won't make any proclamations. Doing it is all that matters... not the words. Only the actions.


LHA said...

I have some words that I wish I could have spoken to my younger self. I will share them with you. I am well over 50 now and have fought my weight my whole life. Fat child, obese adult, with lots of ups and downs and some times of being about "normal" that didn't last too long. I have many, many, many of the same issues with eating that you do and I can totally identify with everything you have said in this post. So, here I will speak my wisdom, which has been hard earned on the battlefied of weight loss, to you because you are younger and I hope can benefit from my mistakes:
"Lose the weight now! You are right that your health is of utmost importance and as you grow older it gets more and more crucial to keep a healthy weight. You have said you know what to do but can't seem to make yourself do it. Well, you need to keep trying and try very, very hard! Getting your weight under control now will enhance your life immeasurably in your later years. You owe it to your children, your potential grandchildren, and most of all to yourself to live your life to the fullest and be the absolute healthiest you can! Don't let time slip away. Eat healthfully, keep calories/carbs/etc. low enough to ensure weight loss, exercise daily and enjoy every day. You know how to do this, you know what works for you, and your goal is attainable. YOU. ARE. WORTH. THE. EFFORT."

Wishing you all the best on your continuing journey!


Lyn said...

Thank you LHA, very wise words and I am taking them to heart. I wish you the best as well :)

Shane said...

You don't sound happy where you are but you must be content on some level because you are making stupid choices. I beg you not to do surgery yet, because it won't be worth it. You have to be able to make the hard choices each and every day and you aren't there. When and if you do get there, then you will see that you won't need surgery. But, maybe you are one of the millions in America that decide they aren't worth the time, energy, blood, sweat and tears it takes every single day, even through PMS, to make good decisions. You are letting excuses run your life and that is a way to live, but as you know it isn't a great life, not one that you are proud of. I hope that you will get to a point where making a good decision every single day is something that is the norm for you. It is hard work and something you have said you didn't want (the hard work that is) for over a year. I think you are finally coming to terms that if you want to lose weight, it is time consuming, you must do what you don't LIKE doing, not the least of these is measure and weigh. You always look for the easy way out. Even if something is working, you look to "switch things up a bit" to make it easier on you. Life is sometimes not always easy. Either suck it up and do the hard work like those of us that actually are maintaining for years, or "switch things up", look for an easier way, and continue to gain weight, all the while blog about how life isn't fair and you work so hard and don't see any results. Look at all the crap you ate with excuses and you didn't gain, imagine what you really eat if you are honest with yourself when you gain. And then imagine what you can do if you actually put all this time you put into your blog, into weighing, measuring and really putting effort into losing this weight. You could be amazed.

Lyn said...

hey Shane,

you're right, I am content on some level. My daily life is pretty happy and fulfilling. I have love and family, a nice home, and a life I enjoy... but all of that goes underground when I am having a rough time (PMS or whatever stress puts me in a bad mood some days). If I was not content, and hated how my life is, I would probably be a lot more motivated to put in the hard work to get the weight off (again) and keep it off (this time).

I know it takes hard work and solid choices every day. That is how I lost 103 pounds... by making those good choices the norm. I can do that... and have since... for weeks or months at a time before it falls apart (I fall apart). That's what has to stop. I disagree that I am looking for an "easy way out." I have done some tough programs that take a lot of discipline (try doing AIP for a few months, or gluten-free for almost a year. Medifast for 10 months was no picnic, either... nor was counting calories and biking for over a year).

Your comment started out with some firm but valuable insight and advice, but ended in a rather condescending way. That's too bad. Sometimes when you talk down to people they disregard even the useful content in your words, so perhaps try next time to be a little nicer. As far as "all this time" I put into my blog, I hardly think an average of 15 or 20 minutes a day is going to be enough extra time to "put effort" into weight loss. I think it is going to take a lot more time... and effort... than that. And I will have to pull that time from other places, like volunteer work or sleep.

Thanks for the useful parts. Hope you are enjoying maintenance!

Anonymous said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human! Think about how many people never even try. You are putting in the effort. I can see it, even with the lapses. I am about 20 years your senior and I echo the sentiment of "do it now." I admire you for putting everything out there knowing there will be critics. Thank you for sharing so much! You owe us nothing.

Anonymous said...

You are so much nicer than I would be! People need a brush-up in manners.

The day is not over! You can still bike extra today! I hope my enthusiasm comes through and you feel energized to go for it. I KNOW you will succeed. You have proven that already.


Anonymous said...

Maybe I've missed the reasons why you can't or don't exercise more intensely overall. Bone health is important as we get older. Where is the weight bearing exercise? Weightlifting or at least yoga or pilates. If course we all need to make sustainable changes, but sometimes in the process of doing that we make all the excuses in the world to keep our lives the same. I'm totally guilty of it and it sounds like that's what is happening here. Big weight loss whether it comes from surgery or not requires an overhaul and the ability to make real change by making the hard/good decisions more than we make the bad decisions that take away from our efforts. For most people the desire not to be overweight isn't enough to keep them going. You need to find your real why. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Did you see that "fat man bikes across America" will be on dr Phil on Monday?

Debbie Hatterman said...

I just recently started TSFL. I think it is great that you did not gain the whole 100 pounds back. So many times I have lost weight only to gain it back plus more. I am encouraged to know others have lost 100 pounds or more. Thank you for sharing and I know you can do this.

Megan said...

This post resonates with me on a level I cannot even begin to explain. Like you, I've lost a lot of weight and put a lot back on. Like you, I'm relatively intelligent and know what it takes to lose weight - lots of hard work, commitment to diet and exercise, lots of saying "no" to yourself and other people when it comes to food. But I am also trying and failing over and over again at doing what I KNOW I need to do.

I think your statement "sometimes I wonder if obesity is a mental illness" has a lot of truth to it. Although I would revise it to say that I think it is a side effect or result of mental illness, than perhaps being a mental illness in itself - clearly the obesity is a result of physical actions, but the inability to control those physical actions is the mental side of it.

I have just started working with a new doctor, and she is currently working out a care plan for me to treat me for depression. I dismissed her initial suggestion that I am having depression issues - I have a great life and so much to be grateful for. But the more I looked into it, the more I realised she was right. Depression isn't just about feeling sad all the time, or feeling suicidal, or feeling worthless. There are a lot of other manifestations of depression, like feeling tired all the time, having no motivation to do anything (whether that be getting out of bed or having a shower or cooking healthy food or exercising), feeling like a failure for not being able to do things you plan to (like losing weight).

I don't know where this "diagnosis" and treatment plan is going to lead me. Antidepressants and psychologists appointments scare the life out of me, but continuing on as I am like a rat in a wheel isn't working for me.

I don't know if there's anything helpful in that litany, or whether I'm just using your blog as my own form of therapy! But if nothing else, please know that you are not alone in the constant battle and feeling like you just can't get yourself together. It sucks, but we just have to not give up on ourselves and keep trying - eventually something has to work!

Lyn said...

hey thanks Megan, I appreciate knowing I'm not alone. And I really hope we BOTH find our answers, wherever those may be.

MargieAnne said...

Hi Lyn.

I agree it is important for health and well being to get one's weight to a reasonable level.

I think you may be feeling a little like I do these days. After spending the last few years putting in the research, doing the work, both physical and restriction of danger foods, I am tired out and really struggle to eat a clean diet. I like the paleo people's suggestion that 80% clean, 20% other is reasonable. I know it can slow weight loss but it does take a lot of the angst out of whatever eating plan you prefer.

Many people lose weight successfully by portion control.They eat what I call 'danger foods' in small portions. That doesn't work for me. I'm much better at not eating those foods and making very rare exceptions. It helps to know that if I were truly allergic and not just intolerant, I would have to make total elimination. I just wish it wasn't so hard to get clean again after nearly 3 years off and on my optimal eating pattern.

I have no answers, just understanding to some degree.

You can get on top of this feeling so don't give up.


Eileen Daidone said...

I think you need to work on changing your thinking. What a difference that has made for me! If you believe it's hard and a punishment to eat healthy, then of course you don't want to do it. said...

I really wish I could say that I did not understand this post. But I understand it all too well. Funny, it coincides with my dirty little secret post. -- and it is the reason why I started a blog too. See, right now, I feel as if my story is horrible, and it is.-- BUT I WIN if I change it. You have won before; you will win again. And some wisdom regarding surgery. As a "survivor" of a Roux-En-Y Gastric Bypass and two revisions, I disclosed today. Surgery will not fix this battle. It is only a tool. If used properly; it can help. Make sure before you pursue your WLS you are mentally ready. I wish someone would have helped me with that. Your honesty helps me, and I thank you for that.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. Maybe these two, related blogs will give you the "inspiration" you need.

Act now!

Anonymous said...

I've read you for a long time. DO MEDIFAST AGAIN. It works, you know how to do it, and you have written that you know what you did wrong that caused you to start gaining it back. I urge you, do it again, and when you hit your goal do not make the same mistakes! You can do this. MEDIFAST IS THE ANSWER.

Sam J. said...

Could it be that you have something emotionally that you need to process before you can succeed at this?
(Please do not get upset. I am just making an observation.)
Sometimes a good therapist can help ANYONE see things differently.