When I was in my 20's, everything in life was so clear. I knew what I wanted (to grow old in rocking chairs on the porch with my husband, lots of children, and a rich spiritual life entwined in church). That's all. I didn't care about money (we had little) as long as we could meet our needs. Love, family, and God was enough when I was out there in the sunshine hanging laundry on the line, watching my toddlers play in the old tractor tire sandbox while my husband and older kids picked carrots and corn in the huge garden. We had fresh air, mountains, a big red barn and plenty of chickens, sheep, and cows. That's all I wanted and I envisioned that state of life to grow and last forever. I thought my husband and I would die of old age there at our farm, after decades of watching sunsets and raising children and serving God. I could not imagine wanting anything more; I was content.
More than two decades later and that dream is nothing more than a memory. All of it evaporated with my husband's new job, a move to a new state, and quickly thereafter, a divorce. There would be no growing old together, no more watching sunsets over the mountains from our rooftop, no more gathering blackberries by the barn. There would not be lots of children or experiencing grandparenting together or a career of stay-at-home mothering. There would not even be church anymore, for many years. Everything I thought I would be doing at 47 is not my reality. Instead of gathering eggs I buy them. Instead of still having toddlers and preschoolers, my youngest is starting middle school. Instead of farm life there is suburbia. And instead of the next 20 years being spent at home with children and grandchildren and a husband of 25+ years, it will be spent doing something else. I don't even know what.
I don't mean to make my life sound dismal; it's not. It's just different, and sometimes confusing, and sometimes I am just not sure what to make of it all. Midlife crisis? Maybe. I've been feeling this way for a couple of years. Today, PMS is making me whiny and irritable and a little bit depressed. This is also the time of month when I look at my body and feel kind of horrified and think "this has to stop!!!" Yet it is also the time of month when I crave junk the most. I feel frustrated and am taking those frustrations out on the bike (which the foster dog decided would be a great snack. Thanks for chewing up the pedal). At least I am getting the riding done. But I want something else and I have this restlessness and I don't know what it is. I want something different. Maybe changing my body and improving my health is the first push in the "something different" direction but it's not the last.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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