Friday, August 26, 2016

Something Different


When I was in my 20's, everything in life was so clear. I knew what I wanted (to grow old in rocking chairs on the porch with my husband, lots of children, and a rich spiritual life entwined in church). That's all. I didn't care about money (we had little) as long as we could meet our needs. Love, family, and God was enough when I was out there in the sunshine hanging laundry on the line, watching my toddlers play in the old tractor tire sandbox while my husband and older kids picked carrots and corn in the huge garden. We had fresh air, mountains, a big red barn and plenty of chickens, sheep, and cows. That's all I wanted and I envisioned that state of life to grow and last forever. I thought my husband and I would die of old age there at our farm, after decades of watching sunsets and raising children and serving God. I could not imagine wanting anything more; I was content.

More than two decades later and that dream is nothing more than a memory. All of it evaporated with my husband's new job, a move to a new state, and quickly thereafter, a divorce. There would be no growing old together, no more watching sunsets over the mountains from our rooftop, no more gathering blackberries by the barn. There would not be lots of children or experiencing grandparenting together or a career of stay-at-home mothering. There would not even be church anymore, for many years. Everything I thought I would be doing at 47 is not my reality. Instead of gathering eggs I buy them. Instead of still having toddlers and preschoolers, my youngest is starting middle school. Instead of farm life there is suburbia. And instead of the next 20 years being spent at home with children and grandchildren and a husband of 25+ years, it will be spent doing something else. I don't even know what.

I don't mean to make my life sound dismal; it's not. It's just different, and sometimes confusing, and sometimes I am just not sure what to make of it all. Midlife crisis? Maybe. I've been feeling this way for a couple of years. Today, PMS is making me whiny and irritable and a little bit depressed. This is also the time of month when I look at my body and feel kind of horrified and think "this has to stop!!!" Yet it is also the time of month when I crave junk the most. I feel frustrated and am taking those frustrations out on the bike (which the foster dog decided would be a great snack. Thanks for chewing up the pedal). At least I am getting the riding done. But I want something else and I have this restlessness and I don't know what it is. I want something different. Maybe changing my body and improving my health is the first push in the "something different" direction but it's not the last.


9 comments:

Hillary Gras said...

I thought you remarried?

And life happens when we stop making plans !!

Lyn said...

Hillary~

yes, I did.

Anonymous said...

That is the hardest thing (growing past divorce). Like you, I married young and had visions of being with the one and only love of my life forever. It is so devastating when your husband turns out not to be someone you can share the rest of your life with. When I was 32, my husband left me for a 21 year old girl. I was so horrified. It made me feel old, and used. He went on to have children with her (4 of them!) and basically ignore our 2 children together. What I thought was an ideal, perfect marriage was not. It took me several years to "get over" it and not keep wishing for the past. I would have taken him back! Now that enough time has passed I can see that I am worth enough and I do not need him to make my life a good one. But, like you, I am hitting a wall. I am 43 now and I thought by now I would find a new partner to grow old with but that hasn't happened. My son is 18 and about to leave for college and my daughter is 21 and has moved out. I find myself wondering what my life is for now. I had expected to have 3 or 4 children spaced out and spend my days being a homemaker. I have been working an office job for many years since the divorce but it is so unfulfilling. I am tired of everything: my job, my house, my home life. I want to pick up and start over, but how do you do that at this age? I hope you figure it out and share it. I am also trying to lose weight because who wants to be 45 or 50 and obese? It is so hard though. I am hoping to watch your gastric sleeve and see how you feel about it. I might do that myself.

Anonymous said...

There is something about coming up on 50 that messes with our minds. It's a good time to reassess life and see what we want to do with the second half. Whatever you do, being healthy will make it better!

Gina said...

My best friend's husband died of cancer about four years ago leaving her with two boys, seven and ten. And a great big hole in her heart. I'm currently packing and separating from my husband. Life's curve balls just keep coming! We are planning on taking a trip to Europe 2020. Life is such an adventure, let's be ready for it!

Lyn said...

Gina~

how tragic :( Losing a spouse is one of the worst things I can imagine. I am sorry you are losing yours as well, although in a different way. It is so hard. Hugs... I hope you have a wonderful trip!

Anonymous said...

By now we should see a 5 pound "whoosh." I hope you got it today.

http://www.theadventuresofhizrib.com/ said...

I understand that longing for more. -- I am there too. I do know conquering my health is the battle I have always felt I could never win. So I know, this is the real beginning of something more. It's the only obstacle that I have never pushed through. We will get to see what else is left for us!
Back to my weekday mealprep. I did the meatloaf again... LOL. -- this time I formed it into patties. I absolutely love it.

Sam J. said...

Hi Lyn, is it the "fat guy biking across America" that you are following that will be on the Dr Phil show today?
"The proclaimed “fat guy” Eric says he was 560 pounds and unhappy with his weight, so he decided to do something unexpected — go on an epic bike ride across America."

http://www.drphil.com/shows/2523/