Tuesday, July 26, 2016

I Need A Do-Over

I've been going back and reading over the part of my blog when I was on Medifast and went from 234 pounds to 175. The amount of mental and emotional work I had to do on that stretch of my journey was intense! Just reading from March through October of 2010, I see more emotional growth than at any other time in my life. I worked through the things that were holding me back, overcame fears, let go of baggage that was dragging me down.

As I read, I am struck by the realization that as I regained the weight, it's like I walked right back along the same path and picked up the baggage and emotional garbage as I regained each pound. Every "item" I dropped along the way, I picked back up on the way back. That hurts. I feel like I regressed so much from all the healing I had done. I thought it was permanent, but I guess not. I have to work though those issues again if I ever start losing weight again. I just hope it will be easier the second time around, and that there will never be a third time.

I have so much life to live. It is good, but I want it to be the best it can be. If I am too tired to walk both dogs each day, or too weak and unbalanced to participate in a sport I like, or my clothes are uncomfortable or I just feel crappy from eating too many carbs or whatever, I am missing out. I enjoy the days when I eat less and eat well and have the energy to do whatever I want to do. I actually have *more* energy when I eat under 1000 calories a day and under 100 grams of carbs.

I can't do-over Medifast, exactly. I could re-enact Medifast by using real food and keeping my nutritional stats the same as it was on Medifast (under 1000 calories and 100 grams of carbs per day, plus adequate protein and lower fat) but that would require weighing, measuring, and counting. I could try even lower carb but higher fat. I can do any of a myriad of different things with my eating as long as it doesn't involve junk. I am still considering WLS but all of the bad experiences I am hearing about give me second thoughts. I have an appointment with my doctor next week and we'll see what she has to say about it.

Yesterday I wore my FitBit and got 6703 steps. I want to be sure I get over 5,000 each day but hitting 10,000 is going to be awhile. I can walk a mile or two at a time before I start to have joint pain and/or tendon issues so I break my walks up. Maybe as the weight comes off I will be able to go farther at once. I actually did count calories yesterday and didn't do as well as usual: 1288 calories, 171 g carbs, 78 g protein, 31 g fat. I needed more fat and less carbs yesterday for sure. We had friends over for dinner and I grilled carne asada. They brought freshly made corn tortillas (that's where most of my extra carbs came from!) I did get in plenty of vegetables (red and green peppers, onions, and pattypan squash all on the grill) and felt pretty good. Oh, and I also biked for 25 minutes, which I am trying to make my new habit.

I have to say you all are such good, supportive people and I am taking in all of your advice, experiences, and suggestions. I'm reading Gary Taubes Why We Get Fat: And What to Do About It right now, and will be talking to my endocrinologist next week to get her opinion on WLS or what other options I have. I am NOT going to be in this situation this time next year (I will be significantly lighter) so I need input on what path is going to be sure to get me there. In the meantime, I eat less, walk more, bike daily.


Anonymous said...

I love that book! I think it will help you.

Amy said...

There is a book called "It Didn't Start with You" by Mark Wolyn that has some useful information in it if you want to delve into how past family trauma has a continued effect on you. It is not specific to weight but totally relevant. I am also reading a book called "The Emotional Eater's Repair Manual" by Julie simon which teaches how to repair broken or missing coping mechanisms. I think it is a wise observation that you went through more than just weight loss last time, and that you are willing to face the emotional stuff, I think it will be key not just to your success but to your happiness!

Carole Medley said...

You can't go wrong with Gary Taubes. If you enjoy this one, find and read his previous one (that Why We Get Fat...was based on), Good Calories, Bad Calories. I guarantee that it will leave you speechless. Best of luck, Carole

anne h said...

You are not alone, my friend! Every day is Day #1. Right there with you

PamL said...

Looks like a good book!

Lyn said...


Thanks! I always love books recommendations.


I saw a review that mentioned that previous book as "more scientific" so I HAD to have it! It just arrived in the mail today... used hardcover from Amazon for $3. Can;t wait to get into it, although I might wait and finish the other one first.


sorry you're dealing with it too. Hugs to you!


it's very interesting so far :)

Deb Willbefree said...

About revisiting old stuff.

No it's not a permanent, one and done event.

Think of it as a spiral staircase. as one climbs a spiral staircase, you go round and round, seeing at the same wall or window or room in turn--but each time you see that same view again, you are higher and closer to the top of the stairs and your determined destination.

That revisiting, it's a good thing. It gets you exactly where you want to go.

You've been in my prayers often.


Lissa said...

Yes! Yes! So glad you are reading Taubes!! I'd be happy to discuss my life changes over email if you're interested, but in the meantime I just cheer for you a gazillion percent

withallmyheart said...

I have been following your blog, and have been so touched by your struggles. Your piece about your Mom, her life, her addictions, how you were affected, all of it just spoke reams to me.

I am fat, and I identify with your life as you describe it.

My mother was alcoholic, and she had a life destroyed by eating dis-order: 45 years of bulimia could not be undone. She could not stop those behaviors, and it killed her eventually: esophageal-stomach cancer. The purging, the alcohol, the anorexia.....it did her in.

For me (and I must only speak for myself) what has helped is a non-diet approach. I will not get on a scale to measure me, nor my worth. I am past proscribed diets.....they just never helped me - save to make me feel worse about me and my life.

Yes, I have been diagnosed with eating disorder, and have had treatment. But still, for me, if I can eat without too much "noise" in my soul.....if I can eat with peace.....then for me, that is what I strive for.

Hirschman and Munter write about "Overcoming Overeating". It is a more gentle approach, I think....and it spells out ways to end the violence (my word), of emotional eating.

Just, please, take care.
You are not alone.

Lyn said...


thank you. You're in my prayers as well.


I'd love to hear about your changes and how Taubes has helped you! Send me an email when you have time. Thanks!


wow, what a beautiful sentiment. That makes perfect sense to me. I see how you can relate. It is so sad to see both of our mothers never did heal from their disorders. It hurts me for them when I think about it. I hope I can find that peace you speak of. Thank you for sharing your story.

Anonymous said...

Another thought. Addiction is about the insanity! The insanity of considering a SURGERY TO CUT Out part of your body crucial to function instead of taking the time to look at WHY you do this. That is insane. Take several YEARS to do therapy 12 step whatever and uncover and release what it is that drives this compulsion and learn new coping skills. Get GOOD at being uncomfortable instead of running for immediate relief. True recovery is NOT fast! Good luck.

Anonymous said...

So-called peace while still being obese will still prematurely kill you. You have to find peace within a healthy eating pattern that promotes and supports a normal body weight. Nothing else.

Anonymous said...

Re: weighing and measuring -- I'm not sure if this has been suggested to you before, but why not try prepping your meals for the entire week on Sunday? It would be tedious for the few hours you do it, but then you don't have to worry about it at all for the rest of the week.

Alternatively, I don't know if you're familiar with 21-day fix, but the container seems like the type of flexibility that might speak to you (and that would be easy enough to replicate at home if you don't want to spend the $ on it).


Keep on fighting the good fight!

Zandrea Harris said...

I konw you get lots of comments through the years, but i have read through your blogs and girl, i say this with love...You got to get yourself together. You hate being fat. Okay, admitting that is a good start. But, you dont need a doctor to tell you certain things. You have totally destroyed your hormonal balance with years of jumping from one diet to the next. I know its hard to accept, but if you want to lose the weight naturally and keep it off, there is no particular diet that will get you there. It has yo be fitness and nutrition. If you excercise to lose the weight, and stop after you reach whatever magic number you have you heart set on, you will regain every pound plus more. If you eat like crap on a regular basis, there is no amount of fitness that can overcome that. You are an emotional eater, and you have to overcome that. Undereating for your current weight is only another manefestation of the emotional eating. You have to eat. And at 200 plus pounds, eating 1000 calories a day is not going to get it. Food is not yhe enemy. Its your preception of food that is the problem. I was an emotional eater for 25 years, and I finally had to realise that ANY emotional outlook regarding food is problematic. Eat when you are hungry, and eat whole foods that you enjoy. The processed stuff has to go. You are already in the hole hormonally, and you really dont need to add to that by eating crap. You also need to accept that fitness is not optional. Cardio intensive work outs need to be 45-60 minutes to target fat. Because of the hormonal issues, you have to deal with the fact that you will not see significant weight loss for months. But you must continue through this to allow the exercise and improved diet to work their magic on you from the inside out. I was 330 pounds when i started my journey to change my life. I pushed my self a bit further everday I worked out. Each week i improved my diet and my relationship with food a bit more. 8 month later, I was actually 341 pounds, 11 pound heavier. In the moment that i saw that number on the scale, i almost got upset. But I caught myself. The fact is, i was 2-3 dress sizes smaller, my acne prone skin was nearly clear, I was stronger, I had more endurance, and most shockingly, I was no longer emotionally inclined where food was concerned. I also knew that even if that number never changed, i would never stop trying to better myself. Since that moment, the weight is just steadily falling off, even when i only work out 2-3 times a week or I have a cheat meal or two. Get off the scale, and get on to your heart and your mind. You can get WLS, but it you ate still struggling the same issues you had before. It will only be a temporary fix. Look a Carnie Wilson