Last week I got a couple of emails asking about my lack of June 1 weigh in. One asked if I was avoiding weighing because of a possible gain, or if I weighed and got a "bad number" that I don't want to share. Well, it's true I almost always post a weigh in on the first of every month. I used to post a weigh in every Sunday. Let me tell you why I didn't weigh in.
I am afraid that I might have gained. My eating has not been stellar the last couple weeks. Yeah, I have good days, even strings of them, but the bad days are getting more frequent. This week was the worst so far. I found myself saying yes to junk and carbs WAY more often.
I feel like what I had last year, where I could eat a small amount of anything I wanted and didn't have cravings, and didn't want more and more, and felt fine and lost weight because I ate very healthy 90% of the time, is falling apart. It is snowballing into more and more frequent indulgences, bigger servings, and worse choices (i.e., instead of one scoop of healthy-ingredient ice cream, a big hot fudge sundae with nuts and whipped cream; or instead of 5 potato chips with my cut up veggies, a large order of French fries with Ranch to dip them in). I don't know what, if anything, caused things to change. I liked it the way it was. I am feeling VERY uncomfortable and vulnerable about the way it is right now.
Just this week I had my first recurrence of "food obsession." If you've read my blog much, you remember how bad it used to be and know that it pretty much disappeared over the last year. But yes, this week it happened and it was so familiar and scary that it shook me. I was in a room with a bunch of people and several boxes of donuts. People were eating them. I decided I didn't need that. We all walked out of the room. A woman near me held this perfect, beautiful chocolate glazed donut and started eating it, and it somehow was suddenly imprinted on my brain like a big round branding iron seared it there. I kept seeing those donuts for HOURS in my mind. Eventually I drove to the donut shop and bought one. This is bad. This is very bad. That is what I used to do years ago when a food would get stuck in my head and beg me to eat it until I gave in and bought it. This is a rebirth of food obsession. If the food obsession comes back, so will the eating compulsion. And if the compulsive eating comes back, it is a very short walk back to binge eating. I WILL NOT go back there. "There" is a place I never want to be again. Binge eating is the equivalent of me being 280+ pounds. The two are inextricably linked.
So I have been trying to figure out how to make it stop because I feel like I have had such peace with food over the past year, and I want that to continue. Is it something I ate that made the switch flip back the other way? Is it stress? Is it some combination of things in my lifestyle? Maybe I just went too far over on the junk meter lately and it is turning my brain back into the addict brain.
I don't know. It is SCARING me.
My pants are tight. I haven't weighed in, like, 2 weeks (I was 227). I am really afraid. In the past I have gained very rapidly... 10 or 11 pounds in a week... and although I don't THINK I have done that, I don't know. Part of me doesn't *want* to know. Part of me wants to go on some crash diet, only eat vegetables and protein bars until I don't feel bloated anymore, and THEN weigh. It is so stupid.
So that's why no weigh in. I am afraid. I feel fat. I don't want to face it. I'm not sure what to do except go back to saying no to ALL junk and hope that is enough to stop the obsessive thoughts but also not enough to make me feel so restricted that I want to binge. My skin is also the worst it has been, EVER. My rosacea got so bad this week that I went to the doctor and he gave me steroid cream for it. It looks like I got a sunburn and then was slapped in the face several times, and the skin is flaking and peeling. Really bad...
I don't want to be fat.
I don't want to gain weight again.
I don't want to be restricted and trigger binges.
I don't want to have food in control of me, the way it used to be.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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