It's been a super busy week and I'm not sure what to write about. But I wanted to touch base here, so I will just throw out a few things I think of to share.
I haven't gotten on the scale yet. I am still averting my eyes every time I go into the bathroom and trying to not feel guilty for not knowing what I weigh. I can be pretty sure it is more than the 227 I saw last time I weighed, because my pants are tight. I am just feeling too emotionally vulnerable about my weight to face a number at the moment. Dumb, and against all advice I have ever given on this blog, but that's where I'm at so I own it.
My eating still goes back and forth quite a bit. For example, yesterday I'd call a good (healthy) day: protein cereal with berries and almond milk for breakfast, a big salad of CSA box lettuce, spinach, and pea pods topped with grated cheddar and some Ranch dressing for lunch, and dinner was a nice piece of steak over a bed of greens and vegetables with blue cheese dressing. My snacks were watermelon, cherries, strawberries, blueberries, and a string cheese, and before bed I had a cup of decaf coffee and a square of dark chocolate. On a bad (not healthy for me) day, I had a pancake, an egg, and bacon for breakfast with orange juice, a burger and fries for lunch, and a bean/cheese burrito with sour cream for dinner. Snacks were iced coffees with cream, a donut, some M&Ms, and a bowl of Doritos. See how my bad days lack produce?? I know that when I focus on produce instead of on what I "shouldn't" eat, I do much better. So I did have more good days than bad this week and am still trying to find a balance.
This week's CSA box contained loads of fresh organic blueberries, white and red radishes, a bag of mixed greens, zucchinis, asparagus, and cherries. I think I will be buying some fresh salmon to put on the grill (on a cedar plank) this week. Tonight's dinner is going to be the last of the kale and spinach cooked with onions, garlic, and bacon, along with stir fried pea pods and fresh berries and watermelon. I am not making any meat tonight.
I have been really busy the last couple of weeks but now, finally, school is out, graduations are over, dance recitals are finished and everything is wrapped up for the summer. I am so excited that this year I am taking three of my kids, one of their friends, and my dog on a fishing trip! We are staying at a cabin in the woods on a lake where there are lots of trout and bass, places to swim and a dock for the boat. It's been tough to get my adult kids together for vacations the last couple years since they are all grown up and have jobs and other obligations so it'll be fun for us to spend time together. I can't wait!
One of these days this is going to click for me again. Seems like I am doing the same thing I used to do long ago, eating healthy for a few days and then junk for a couple days... switching back and forth a lot. As the healthy days get strung together it gets easier to say no to the junk, and at some point they will string together enough to see my weight go down again. I am not just sitting here waiting for it to happen, though. I am trying, every day, to make healthy choices and go longer and longer between episodes of eating poorly. It's a deeply ingrained habit but I am very proud, and glad, that my eating is 90% better than it was before I started blogging. I am not the white knuckling type, but I am working at it. I will see results, hopefully soon. When my pants stop being tight I am going to weigh.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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