Well it was no surprise to me when the scale read 228 again this morning; I only lost one pound in January and nothing so far this month. Before I reintroduced gluten into my diet, I was losing 1-2 pounds a month, but now I am being far too indulgent in my eating, I think, to lose any weight at all! This month I've really let things slide a bit; I mean, I've been buying and eating ice cream bars on a more regular basis, and yesterday had homemade macaroni and cheese for lunch and lentil soup with a couple pieces of buttered French bread for dinner. Before, I would let myself have ice cream or gluten free bread if I wanted it, in one small portion, but the last few weeks I have been so lenient with the carby stuff. I am pretty amazed actually that I am not *gaining* weight eating the way I am! Years ago, eating a donut (like I did this morning with friends) would send me into an obsessive binge spiral where I'd sneak off and buy a dozen more donuts and eat most of them myself within 24 hours. Now, I have one donut and am fine. It's like my old triggers don't really trigger anymore. All the emotional work I've done regarding my eating and the way I think about food has paid off... especially, I think, the very non-restrictive way I have been eating since last July.
But the slide into eating more not-so-healthy stuff, in increasing quantities seems a warning signal to me. This is not just about weight; it's about keeping my food sanity and improving my health, lowering inflammation and treating my body with love and respect. If a month ago I would have had 1/4 of a donut but today I ate a whole one... if a month ago I would have eaten a couple bites of bread or 5 potato chips and now I eat 2 slices of bread or a bowl of potato chips... that is a slide in the *wrong* direction, even if it is not making me gain weight (yet) and is not making me crazy obsessed with food again (yet). Yes, it shocks me that I *can* eat this way and maintain not only my weight but my food sanity. It shows how far I have come from my binge eating, morbid obesity days. But I don't want to stray any further down this path. I'd rather not push it to find out just how many ice cream bars I can eat before I am triggered, or how many pieces of pie I can eat before I am out of control. I'd rather keep those things in the quiet background as foods I still *can* have, but usually choose not to in favor of healthier things. I don't want my tastes to shift back to a longing for junk and sugar and carbs, either.
Today was a lovely day, very relaxing and joyful. My daughter and I went to church, then out to lunch together, then clothes shopping. After that we met up with some friends for a play date in the park. While the girls climbed and ran and played, I walked around the perimeter of the large park several times enjoying the feeling of my body moving freely and its ability to do so without pain or exhaustion. A few hours later I was home reading and sipping hot coffee. Tonight, I'm making a "stir fry" of natural bratwurst, onions, mushrooms, carrots, celery, garlic, and bean sprouts. No rice or bread needed. I'm not buying anymore boxes of ice cream bars; if I want ice cream, truly want it, I can go and buy a scoop at the local shop. It doesn't need to be available to me 24/7 in my kitchen!
All of this is progress and healing. I am so happy I tried in the first place, and never gave up trying to get better and better!
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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