Sunday, February 21, 2016

Wrong Direction

Well it was no surprise to me when the scale read 228 again this morning; I only lost one pound in January and nothing so far this month. Before I reintroduced gluten into my diet, I was losing 1-2 pounds a month, but now I am being far too indulgent in my eating, I think, to lose any weight at all! This month I've really let things slide a bit; I mean, I've been buying and eating ice cream bars on a more regular basis, and yesterday had homemade macaroni and cheese for lunch and lentil soup with a couple pieces of buttered French bread for dinner. Before, I would let myself have ice cream or gluten free bread if I wanted it, in one small portion, but the last few weeks I have been so lenient with the carby stuff. I am pretty amazed actually that I am not *gaining* weight eating the way I am! Years ago, eating a donut (like I did this morning with friends) would send me into an obsessive binge spiral where I'd sneak off and buy a dozen more donuts and eat most of them myself within 24 hours. Now, I have one donut and am fine. It's like my old triggers don't really trigger anymore. All the emotional work I've done regarding my eating and the way I think about food has paid off... especially, I think, the very non-restrictive way I have been eating since last July.

But the slide into eating more not-so-healthy stuff, in increasing quantities seems a warning signal to me. This is not just about weight; it's about keeping my food sanity and improving my health, lowering inflammation and treating my body with love and respect. If a month ago I would have had 1/4 of a donut but today I ate a whole one... if a month ago I would have eaten a couple bites of bread or 5 potato chips and now I eat 2 slices of bread or a bowl of potato chips... that is a slide in the *wrong* direction, even if it is not making me gain weight (yet) and is not making me crazy obsessed with food again (yet). Yes, it shocks me that I *can* eat this way and maintain not only my weight but my food sanity. It shows how far I have come from my binge eating, morbid obesity days. But I don't want to stray any further down this path. I'd rather not push it to find out just how many ice cream bars I can eat before I am triggered, or how many pieces of pie I can eat before I am out of control. I'd rather keep those things in the quiet background as foods I still *can* have, but usually choose not to in favor of healthier things. I don't want my tastes to shift back to a longing for junk and sugar and carbs, either.

Today was a lovely day, very relaxing and joyful. My daughter and I went to church, then out to lunch together, then clothes shopping. After that we met up with some friends for a play date in the park. While the girls climbed and ran and played, I walked around the perimeter of the large park several times enjoying the feeling of my body moving freely and its ability to do so without pain or exhaustion. A few hours later I was home reading and sipping hot coffee. Tonight, I'm making a "stir fry" of natural bratwurst, onions, mushrooms, carrots, celery, garlic, and bean sprouts. No rice or bread needed. I'm not buying anymore boxes of ice cream bars; if I want ice cream, truly want it, I can go and buy a scoop at the local shop. It doesn't need to be available to me 24/7 in my kitchen!

All of this is progress and healing. I am so happy I tried in the first place, and never gave up trying to get better and better!


Anonymous said...

I'm happy for you! You have so improved your quality of life.

Josie said...

Hi Lyn,

I know the last thing you want is probably MORE advice, but If I were you I'd take advantage of this time when food doesn't trigger you. I'd take advantage of it by eating less junk. Think of it as a honeymoon period. Honeymoon's don't last forever but while you're in it you can make changes that become better habits while it's not difficult to do so.

I wish you well.


Lyn said...

Thanks, Anon and Josie :)

LHA said...

Isn't it amazing how quickly we can slide back into eating more of the foods that we like but aren't healthy? I only wish that I liked celery sticks as much as I like ice cream! Your attitude sounds totally sane and well thought out. I wish you luck in going forward and eating less of the not-so-healthy foods.

Lyn said...

So true LHA, I wish I loved the low cal stuff as much as I enjoy the junk!! It is getting better though, taste buds slowly changing.

Happy Fun Pants said...

You have a LOT to be proud of. I think making the scale as the only way to determine success is moving in the wrong direction...and that's why I love this post (and your authentic writing style). You are moving in the RIGHT direction by paying attention to what you measure your success by. You know yourself better than you ever have before and you're making adjustments based upon your own findings and feedback.

Lady, you're doing a great job and have a ton to be proud of. With this mindset, you'll get to where you want to be in the way you want it to be.

JDET said...

Your attitude is wonderful, and I'm glad to hear you haven't gained weight. That said, no longer buying boxes of ice cream bars may help you get back on the losing track. If I have to go get something, I find that I'm unlikely to make the trip, and, hence, I don't eat it. Also, not gaining weight may give you a false sense of what you can safely eat. My biggest fear is what I will do when I reach my goal. I've been so rabid about my diet for so long that I don't know how to transition without putting it back on. I actually have all sorts of stuff in my house that I won't eat now: ice cream, ice cream bars, frozen pizza, pasta, crackers, chips, cookies, etc. I'm feeding those to my mother!I've started having a glass of wine 3-4 times a week, but I'm measuring it so I don't drink more than 5 oz. I hope the scale starts moving for you in March. I get really down if I don't lose anything for a couple of weeks, let alone a month.