Thursday, July 9, 2015

Food Stuff, and Fixing Something Broken


The last three days have been *crazy* busy. I did not handle the eating situations very well, being pressed for time, being at social engagements and a birthday party, having a lot going on... but I *did* stay within my calorie range goal every day and only went over 100 g carbs on one day. My food choices were definitely not the best, but I did not let that derail me from sticking to my plan, tracking every bite and not going nutso with the eating.

Tuesday:

Breakfast: coffee with sugar free caramel creamer, protein shake
Snack: Starbucks matcha in ice water with cream added (like a green tea latte, with less carbs)
Lunch: gluten free vegetable egg roll, Coke Zero, smoked ham, cream cheese, and a dill pickle spear
Snack: sugar free rice pudding
Dinner: beef taco in a hard shell, ice cream
Snack: American cheese slice

Totals: 1281 calories, 131 g carbs, 63 g protein. Exercise: yard work 20 minutes

Wednesday

Breakfast: protein shake
Snack: cherry Greek yogurt
Lunch: This is where it fell apart. I was not home for hours and all I had for "lunch" at the party was potato chips and a spoon of frosting.
Snack: sugar free rice pudding
Dinner: zucchini "noodles" and chicken in a homemade Alfredo sauce, topped with Parmesan cheese. Watermelon.
Snack: raw almonds

Totals: 1160 calories, 96 g carbs, 74 g protein. Exercise: day off.

Today:

Breakfast: coffee with sugar free caramel creamer, Rotisserie chicken
Early lunch: Coke Zero, 2 hot dogs (no, they didn't give me a headache) with mustard, sauerkraut, and half a peach.
Late snack/second lunch: bacon, avocado, and strawberries
Afternoon snack: sugar free pudding, iced Americano with half and half
Dinner: gluten free sausage lasagna, shaved Parmesan cheese

Totals so far today: 1286 calories, 62 g carbs, 69 g protein. I may have a sugar free jello or a couple of almonds before bed. I will ride my bike tonight.

Now for the fixing part.

Over the years on my blog, I spent a lot of time digging and rehashing and emotionally dealing with the things that have bothered me and caused me distress in my life. I healed a lot of things, and that enabled me to lose over 100 pounds. After that came some sadness over two issues I could not control nor resolve that were causing me pain. I referenced them vaguely on the blog a few times, saying that I know what's bothering me, but I have no way to fix it. I pretty much pushed those issues down and have tried to ignore them for a long time.

When I decided to give losing weight one last shot, I woke up the next morning from a vivid dream. In the dream, the issue was very clear. I woke up, sat bolt upright in bed, and knew I needed to address it. Now. I can't ignore it anymore. That same week, I bought a plane ticket to fly across the country in a few weeks, to try and heal what is broken. This is something I need to do to be whole again. I'm sorry for being vague... but this is a big deal in my life *and*, I believe, a huge deal in my ability or inability to lose weight and keep it off. I have always eaten to bury pain... even when I don't realize I am doing it. And this buried pain has got to come out and be dealt with one way or another. So next month I am dealing with it. I hope it is healing, but at least it will be resolving.

That's all for now. Hoping for a good weigh-in this weekend!

6 comments:

Lori said...

I wish you all the best in healing that relationship. I am so proud of you for recognizing the issue and dealing with it head on. I am sure that you will do everything possible to mend what is broken.
Lori

Anonymous said...

IIFYM!! You are doing just fine! Good luck on your trip.

Vickie said...

I had forgotten all about some of those issues. Time goes so quickly.

Remember you can not change other people nor control their reactions. There maybe a resolution, there might not.

When I came to the most peace with my mother, for example, was when I stopped thinking things would work out. When I stopped thinking we would have a good relationship. When I accepted things would never be better (which was reality) and let it go, everything got better for me. I have very little to do with her, we (husband and I) just visit every couple weeks (and talk about the weather or things going on around town). So it is superficial, but it is reality. And I am not trying for better.

I am not saying you should not go. If you feel you should, then do go. I am just saying reality is reality.

Lyn said...

Thanks Lori and Anonymous.

Vickie~

That makes sense. I've thought about this whole thing a lot, and I know I can't totally control how it turns out. I know it may not have the resolution I want, and in the end I have to accept that, even if it is hard. But I need to let go of the uneasiness of not knowing, and the self-imposed, probably unjustified guilt I have over not trying harder to resolve and heal this. I need to make my best effort and then whatever the outcome, know I did my best.

Becoming Normal said...

Hi Lyn, just wanted to say good luck on your trip. We cannot control how others react to what we say when we are trying to find healing and closure, but what's important is you will have done everything you could. When there is nothing left to do, that is when you can accept the reality, whatever it may be. This is how it has been for me anyway. I hope this trip helps you in the ways you need and brings you peace!

Sarah

Anonymous said...

May I suggest something to read before your trip? Don Miguel Ruiz has written a small book called "The Four Agreements," based on Toltec philosophy. Maybe you know it. The 4 agreements, in brief, are:

Be impeccable with your word.
Don't take anything personally.
Don't make assumptions.
Always do your best.

Sounds simple, but far from it. You can find summaries of the four agreements on the internet, if you don't have access to the book. Understanding and following these precepts has been life-changing for many. I wish you success.