Monday, June 15, 2015

How I'm Doing

How I am doing:

I feel okay. Happy most of the time, and relieved that it's finally summer, with less responsibilities and appointments and scheduled time. I love summer! My happiness is tempered by frustration, though. I am frustrated about my weight, even though I am still trying to do something about it. I started counting calories again on Friday and that's going fine. I'm eating far less junk and sugar and more protein, fruits and vegetables, and I feel good about that. But last week I noticed my left knee starting to ache a little. After a three day weekend of being mostly on my feet and busy, last night I had a big flareup of bursitis in my knee. Wow, it was hard to walk this morning. My last bout with bursitis was in 2012 and it took about 6 weeks of medication and staying off it, wearing a compression sleeve, for it to improve. It sucks but it's something the doctor told me I will probably deal with from time to time because of my arthritis, until I go forward with knee replacements. So I'm back in a compression sleeve and on anti-inflammatories, icing it and trying to take it easy for now. As a result, walking for exercise and biking are out. Thankfully I can still swim, so my goal is to get to the pool 3 times a week. I am still able to get around enough to do everything I need to do.. I just do it a little more slowly.

Sometimes I wonder how much my weight has contributed to my body falling apart like this. I mean I know extra weight is bad for the joints. I know my thyroid disease was a huge contributor to my tendons not healing for two years. I wonder if I ever would have ruptured a tendon, or developed such severe arthritis and bone spurring, or had such bad plantar fasciitis if I weighed 100 pounds less. I wonder how much of this pain and injury is directly because of my weight. Sometimes I start to feel guilty, like all of the injuries and pain is my own fault. If I had just never gained the weight, maybe none of this would have happened. But guilt isn't a forward driver for me. Guilt makes me want to stagnate in self-pity and soothe with food... just the opposite of what I need. So I tell myself, there is no telling what would have been. Plenty of thin and normal weight people have joint and tendon issues. It is what it is, and all I can do now is take care of myself and go forward. Maybe when I lose the weight, some of these issues will go away. Maybe not. But I have to just take this a day at a time and keep moving, keep eating properly, and do everything I can to heal all the parts of me that are hurting.

12 comments:

16 blessings'mom said...

Guilt is a happiness thief. Cut it off at the pass and don't let it ruin your summer. The past is in the past. I say this with sympathy, because I know how you feel. I got myself into this boat by dealing with stress the wrong way, and delighting in treats when I couldn't get enough sleep, and when my life was so crazy and busy. If I could do my whole life over, of course I would fit in the exercise! I would have baked fewer cookies and eaten more salads! But today is all we have, not even tomorrow, seriously. Today. Be thankful for today, make good choices today. And don't let thoughts of yesterday or tomorrow weigh you down. And thin people get arthritis too! Bad knees run in our family.:) My mother-in-law is a twig and had to have her knees replaced. My daughter is a tiny little thing, and has had surgery and has been going to physical therapy for four years for a bad knee. I hope this helps a little:), you are one of my very favorite bloggers, and I am rooting for you!

Della

Anonymous said...

Competitive swimmer here. Just curious, what do your swim workouts look like?

Lyn said...

Della~

Thank you! I always appreciate your support and kind words, and I wish the best for you, too.

Anonymous~

not like yours, I'm sure! I do some simple stretching and then swim laps (not very fast, but it gets my heart rate up) and play/swim with my daughter in between.

Anonymous said...

I just have to say, you didn't CAUSE to have a problem with food, lots of people do. If you could fix it on your own, you would have! you certainly don't lack intelligence or willpower. But its not something most people who have it can do alone. I have a therapist, a helpful family, a spiritual practice and many other resources that i use daily to help me stay sane. I hope you find your health!

Pol said...

I'm really, really, really sorry if what I'm about to say hurts you. I know it's going to sound rough but I'm saying it with very good intentions and I think you really need to read it.

You're repeating the same things over and over. You're stuck. You need to break the cycle.

I know I don't know you in real life, and I only see a little piece of you through your blog. But I really think you need to do something different if you want to get somewhere else. I notice you're always publishing some really reflexive posts but in the long term you are almost in the same place, and you know that. I think I've said this before but maybe you need to consider doing something you've never tried doing before, finding a different perspective.

Look, I have binge eating disorder so I know how hellish this can be, I know it's not like saying "Ok, I'll start tomorrow" because it just doesn't work that way. In my case -I'm not saying you have to do what I have done, I'm just talking from my experience because it has worked for me- when I actually committed to my recovery I saw big changes. My dietitian gave me a meal plan so I didn't have to worry much about food, my therapist started teaching me not to use food as a coping method and my psychiatrist medicated me. And things have been so much easier. I know it can be expensive, but maybe that's not what you need.

Basically what I'm saying is that you need to do something new. You need to make a new plan. And you're perfectly capable of doing so. But maybe you need a little help.

Lyn said...

Pol~

It doesn't hurt me and I appreciate you saying what you said in a very thoughtful, caring way. I know I am stuck in a rut and doing the try for awhile-lose a few-fall off-regain thing with the same 20 pounds for a long time. I have a mentor who is giving me some new ideas and support, so maybe that will make the difference. It's not really a new plan, though... calorie counting, eating healthier foods, moving more. There isn't a whole lot I have not tried, aside from surgery. I think you have a very important point about being "committed to my recovery" and perhaps that's the key. I've not felt strong, and my commitment wavers. I am sure making a commitment to my recovery would make a huge difference. I am trying to get there.

Thank you for the input and I am so glad you were able to find something that really helped you get out of this kind of cycle.

Anonymous said...

Complex carbs and protein, organic when possible. No fruit for the first month, then one serving/day. No refined / processed foods. Eat til you are satisfied. It's not easy. Takes a little sacrifice (no sugar... not one drop) no weird concoctions resembling refined/processed foods... Get a good therapist. Food can enhance your cultural existence, it nourishes the body, it is fun to make... but it should not be used to medicate, or prevent us from feeling our feelings, living our lives. Your weight has had a negative affect on your joints and bones and your heart and your gut. Don't waste another day. Start now and don't look back. You have only one shot. Model your love of life and your body to your daughter. Don't set her up to make the same mistakes. CHOOSE LIFE! It's better than any chip, cookie, or potluck dinner.I 100% agree with Pol.

Anonymous said...

I like anon s suggestions but it not like you DONT know what to do, it's that you keep sabotaging yourself. It's really not about the food. It's all the other stuff, weight and food obsession are side effects of that, that is why therapy, 12 step etc!

Karen said...

Pol and anonymous 5:04. Both ring true to my own experience. Real foods. Supporters in real life and a shrink.

Owning my own stuff helped immensely. I knew I couldn't have weight maintenance with binge eating. it's not my fault, we still have work to do.

Amber said...

I don't know what it's like to live with chronic pain, but I sympathize. I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling well. I hope it gets better.

Weight definitely plays a role when it comes to joints. I haven't updated my blog lately, but I have lost a total of 30 lbs since last fall. I've noticed that a lot of my aches and pains have gone away. It made me realize that my weight was affecting my body in negative ways. When I first started working out last year, I was constantly having to take multiple days off at a time because something was always hurting. It got worse before it got better.

Arthritis is another game altogether. Even though it will still be there, maybe it will get better as your weight goes down. Even if it doesn't, your life will still improve in many ways. Do you follow the blog of Go Kaleo? She is a weight lifter and has arthritis, yet she has accomplished much. I highly recommend her blog.

In the past 5.7 weeks I have lost a total of 10 lbs. The biggest change I made was quitting emotional eating. I realized that it's the root cause of all my weight issues. It hit me one day that excess food has never made my life better. It has made me sick (fatty liver). It hasn't brought my grandpa or my friend back to life. It doesn't help me at work. Actually, a lot of my problems have become worse with excess food. I feel sad for longer because I don't properly deal with stress as it comes. Also, excess eating comes with guilt. It turns a bad day into a bad week or month. Since I stopped emotional eating, the weight loss flood gates have opened. Also, I'm not feeling sad for days at a time anymore. I told everyone around me what I am doing and have asked their forgiveness. I told them that if I am in a bad mood to not take it personally. I explained to my boyfriend that I am learning to feel painful feelings and sit with them. He is very excited to help me through this.

I've been emotional eating since childhood. I never thought I could stop doing it until now. I know you can do this, too.

Anonymous said...

When other people have enough muscle mass to drive their metab simple cardio workouts will help them....
I agree that trying something different is what may be needed.
The definition of insanity is doing the same things but expecting different results.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn,

Just stumbled on your blog while clicking around MediFast articles. Like many readers, I'm going through a similar journey with weight loss and regain. In 2002, I was 215 lbs at 5'5" at age 22 with high blood pressure and cholesterol. Over 3 years of dieting and exercising, I got down to 155 and phenomenal shape. Changed my life as I had been on the heavy side my whole life up until then. Some up and downs over the next 4 years but was in great shape until 2011. Got married and had my first baby. I'm a dad, but yeah, sympathy/empathy weight? Or just didn't want to bother eating right anymore? Anyhow, gained back 30 pounds. I tried to lose it by going back to my old methods, but just didn't have the willpower or serious desire. Kept convincing myself that I still was fine. Then I realized I wasn't when I saw my weight on the scale at the doctor.

This past Monday, I started Medifast. It's been smooth so far, but today is Friday and it is SO tempting to drink and binge. My wife is doing Medifast with me and she is hating it. It's hard to be strong for both of us.

Anyhow, I really appreciate your honesty, insight, openness and ability to articulate. Almost every feeling you felt, I have felt too. It was inspiring and I want to say that you have done it before and you can do it again! You will be able to get back to 178 again (or even lower). Don't give up, don't ever give up.