Yes, I'm here! Sorry for the long silence. I posted in the comments but haven't written an actual post in awhile. It's harder for me to sit down and write when the weather is so nice and I'm enjoying being pain-free after 2 years of hurting. Sure, I still get the normal type of soreness and the occasional headache, but it is just so nice to be free to stand and walk and do what I want again. I won't ever take simple walking for granted again! I've been doing some deep spring cleaning: washing the drapes, having the carpets done, and just generally getting the house as clean and neat as possible. I also have been enjoying working in the yard pulling weeds and getting the patios and decks clean. I even washed the dogs this week! Everything is fresh.
I started April at 239 pounds, lost a pound the first week, nothing the second week, a pound the third week, and nothing this week for a grand total of two pounds gone in April. I weigh 237 now. I was really wanting to see the losses speed up, not slow down, but for the past couple of weeks I just haven't been doing the "work" part of losing weight (no counting calories, no biking, no lifting). I have been eating the same way I have been for a few months, with the reintroductions from AIP that I'd already begun, plus over the last two weeks I added rice. That went fine, as in, I had no health symptoms from adding it back. However it is a carb, and it is not a nutrient rich carb like, say, sweet potatoes, so I am limiting rice to the occasional indulgence at friends' or when we have Indian food. I am still gluten free, and the only grains I have added back are rice (occasionally) and corn (also occasionally, in the form of popcorn or fresh corn). As for my eating, I'd say I eat very well, totally on plan and low carb (and probably around 1300 calories a day) five days a week, and then two days a week I eat on a looser template and eat more calories and carbs... maybe as high as 1800, or on an "eating out" day maybe 2000. I feel like I can restrict for awhile and then get hungrier and feel like I have to eat larger portions to feel satisfied. Today was a higher day, with a dinner of beef stroganoff (ground beef, stock, seasonings, onions, mushrooms, sour cream, and gluten free pasta made from rice and corn) and raw veggies with light Ranch to dip them in. I had several squares of dark chocolate today, too. Seems like I always eat more on Sundays.
I cannot WAIT to start going to the farmer's market again! A few are opening soon and I am going to be loading up on fresh produce in season. Having all that good, fresh, local food in the fridge is a wonderful feeling and a huge motivation for me to eat well.
Today I went dress shopping at several stores. I was just looking for something pretty and lightweight to wear this summer. First, I went into a nice department store and looked at the dresses. I realized that they did not have anything my size in the "regular" women's clothing section anymore... they only went up to size 16, or XL and those dresses are too tight on me now. I had to go look in the Plus Size section... but most of those were too big for me. We went to another store, where once again there was nothing in the regular sized section. I asked where the plus sizes were. They were in the basement. As I was heading down into the basement, I was thinking, "they hide us in the basement. They hide the fat people clothes down here." And I had a very strange, and difficult feeling as I remembered being so stressed out when I had lost weight and nothing in the Plus sections or the Big Girl stores fit me anymore. It was so scary to go into the regular clothing section and try to find something that fit. And now it was reversed, and I felt a little ashamed that I was heading back to the 1X size dresses... the limited selection... the basement.
I didn't find anything I liked. But the whole experience (seeing the bulges under the thin, flowy fabric in the mirror, being appalled that my arms are once again big and saggy, not liking how I looked in ANYTHING) really made me think it is time to quit half-assing it and actually start putting in some work again to change my body. But then I also remembered looking in the dressing room mirror 50 pounds lighter and seeing the same lumpy, bumpy, saggy body that I see now... just smaller. I looked the same as I look now, in my mind... sloppy melting body. Okay, maybe this is sounding like a negative post at this point but that's not how I mean it. What I think is that I have to truly accept that I am not... ever... going to have the body I had pre-morbid-obesity. It just is not going to look 25 years old again even if I lose 80 more pounds. It is going to be saggy and melty and lumpy, and I am going to have to accept that and STILL want to lose weight. This is why I have often said it has to be for health... because looks ain't going to cut it. And maybe that is part of the reason I regained the weight: I could not accept the way my thinner body looked and felt.
Anyway, obviously there's some emotional work to be done there, but in the meantime I am hoping I can make the commitment to start actually working at weight loss again. I've been sliding by for awhile now, losing slowly without *too* much work, but I know I would feel better if I was trying harder and getting better results. We'll see how this week goes!
A Message to Open my Eyes
6 hours ago