Sunday, May 3, 2015

Where I Stand

Yes, I'm here! Sorry for the long silence. I posted in the comments but haven't written an actual post in awhile. It's harder for me to sit down and write when the weather is so nice and I'm enjoying being pain-free after 2 years of hurting. Sure, I still get the normal type of soreness and the occasional headache, but it is just so nice to be free to stand and walk and do what I want again. I won't ever take simple walking for granted again! I've been doing some deep spring cleaning: washing the drapes, having the carpets done, and just generally getting the house as clean and neat as possible. I also have been enjoying working in the yard pulling weeds and getting the patios and decks clean. I even washed the dogs this week! Everything is fresh.

Weight:

I started April at 239 pounds, lost a pound the first week, nothing the second week, a pound the third week, and nothing this week for a grand total of two pounds gone in April. I weigh 237 now. I was really wanting to see the losses speed up, not slow down, but for the past couple of weeks I just haven't been doing the "work" part of losing weight (no counting calories, no biking, no lifting). I have been eating the same way I have been for a few months, with the reintroductions from AIP that I'd already begun, plus over the last two weeks I added rice. That went fine, as in, I had no health symptoms from adding it back. However it is a carb, and it is not a nutrient rich carb like, say, sweet potatoes, so I am limiting rice to the occasional indulgence at friends' or when we have Indian food. I am still gluten free, and the only grains I have added back are rice (occasionally) and corn (also occasionally, in the form of popcorn or fresh corn). As for my eating, I'd say I eat very well, totally on plan and low carb (and probably around 1300 calories a day) five days a week, and then two days a week I eat on a looser template and eat more calories and carbs... maybe as high as 1800, or on an "eating out" day maybe 2000. I feel like I can restrict for awhile and then get hungrier and feel like I have to eat larger portions to feel satisfied. Today was a higher day, with a dinner of beef stroganoff (ground beef, stock, seasonings, onions, mushrooms, sour cream, and gluten free pasta made from rice and corn) and raw veggies with light Ranch to dip them in. I had several squares of dark chocolate today, too. Seems like I always eat more on Sundays.

I cannot WAIT to start going to the farmer's market again! A few are opening soon and I am going to be loading up on fresh produce in season. Having all that good, fresh, local food in the fridge is a wonderful feeling and a huge motivation for me to eat well.

Today I went dress shopping at several stores. I was just looking for something pretty and lightweight to wear this summer. First, I went into a nice department store and looked at the dresses. I realized that they did not have anything my size in the "regular" women's clothing section anymore... they only went up to size 16, or XL and those dresses are too tight on me now. I had to go look in the Plus Size section... but most of those were too big for me. We went to another store, where once again there was nothing in the regular sized section. I asked where the plus sizes were. They were in the basement. As I was heading down into the basement, I was thinking, "they hide us in the basement. They hide the fat people clothes down here." And I had a very strange, and difficult feeling as I remembered being so stressed out when I had lost weight and nothing in the Plus sections or the Big Girl stores fit me anymore. It was so scary to go into the regular clothing section and try to find something that fit. And now it was reversed, and I felt a little ashamed that I was heading back to the 1X size dresses... the limited selection... the basement.

I didn't find anything I liked. But the whole experience (seeing the bulges under the thin, flowy fabric in the mirror, being appalled that my arms are once again big and saggy, not liking how I looked in ANYTHING) really made me think it is time to quit half-assing it and actually start putting in some work again to change my body. But then I also remembered looking in the dressing room mirror 50 pounds lighter and seeing the same lumpy, bumpy, saggy body that I see now... just smaller. I looked the same as I look now, in my mind... sloppy melting body. Okay, maybe this is sounding like a negative post at this point but that's not how I mean it. What I think is that I have to truly accept that I am not... ever... going to have the body I had pre-morbid-obesity. It just is not going to look 25 years old again even if I lose 80 more pounds. It is going to be saggy and melty and lumpy, and I am going to have to accept that and STILL want to lose weight. This is why I have often said it has to be for health... because looks ain't going to cut it. And maybe that is part of the reason I regained the weight: I could not accept the way my thinner body looked and felt.

Anyway, obviously there's some emotional work to be done there, but in the meantime I am hoping I can make the commitment to start actually working at weight loss again. I've been sliding by for awhile now, losing slowly without *too* much work, but I know I would feel better if I was trying harder and getting better results. We'll see how this week goes!


16 comments:

Joanna said...

I didn't think I would ever be able to wear cute clothes but I can now. It sounds to me like you were overly critical of yourself last time around. When you look at the pictures of yourself, does it look lumpy to you? Before I lost my weight during the last year, I used to try on clothes really fast and if it fit and wasn't too embarrassing, I would buy it. Even if you had never gained weight in the first place, you would not look like a twenty year old but you can rock at any age. I think you should set your bar where you want it and expect success from yourself rather than just eating to avoid failure. There is a big difference between these two approaches.

CARLA said...

(((((sending you my thoughts and cheering you on from TEXAS))))

Anonymous said...

I'm happy to read a positive update! You continue to inspire.

Lyn said...

Joanna~

In clothes, I look really decent once I get around 210ish, and I liked how I looked in the 170s-80s in clothes (except the arms... the melting forearms/wrist skin was a bit disconcerting). As long as things are covered, it's all good. I just need to be more accepting of the way everything looks and feels without being covered.

Lori said...

I am glad you're back. I missed you.

It is so hard to accept ourselves and I don't know why. It is good to use that for motivation to improve. Don't let it get you so down that you feel like you can't improved.
Lori

JM said...

we will always have our shape, but I have had tremendous success with weight training. I have a trainer that i work with, and from just 2x per week after a year, its AMAZING> I love my shape, even though i have about 30 pounds to lose, everything looks better. I m 44, and have had children. SO it really makes a big difference, but i d recommend getting a trainer for the first bit and have help setting up a routine. Just lifting any old weights won t get the best results for the effort. At the Y here (in the PNW) they have trainers for 25$ per session,and offer scholarship, so its not a cost issue. Just my 2 cents. Weight loss never tightens. Only muscle can do that, and its true after being a certain size, without surgery somethings will not ever be the same, but weight training can go a long ways towards helping physically and mentally. there is no better feeling than STRONG. Good luck!

JM said...

PS. IN addition, being about the same age, with kids, I can relate to the challenge, but truly, if we plan on living for another 40 or 50 years, what is the alternative??? Must have muscle!

Lyn said...

JM~

good points. We don't have a Y with a gym/trainer here but I do belong to a gym. I had a free session with a trainer a long time age. Maybe I will look into the cost of a few sessions. I know I did feel a lot better and stronger back when I was lifting, even on my own at home. Thanks!

Joanna said...

Lyn, I have been exactly, and I mean exactly, where you are now. I wouldn't look in the mirror. I hated shopping for clothes. I did feel okay at 210 but over 220, I detested how I looked. I am now about 10-20 pounds from goal but I wear a really acceptable size. I will never not be lumpy, but I get lots of compliments and it is very possible to be lumpy and proud of your body at the same time. I think you just have to have more self acceptance because where you are is where you are at any given time. Now that I have lost enough to be healthy, that is good enough but it doesn't mean that I can't keep trying to lose and anything more is like icing on the cake. I have been on a diet since probably about the time you were born. My doctor is helping me eat nutritionally healthy. I have been tested for BMR and BMI. I just got back from there. My BMR went from 1750 at the beginning to 1330 (ugh) a year later. So my calorie needs are really minimal right now. She said I have to substitute weights for some of the cardio stuff I do now so that I can boost my metabolism.Have you had your BMR tested recently?

Lyn said...

Joanna~

I had it done in July and it was 1440.

http://www.escapefromobesity.net/2014/07/metabolic-testing-whats-my-resting.html

Joanna said...

Apparently, weight lifting builds muscle which raises the BMR.

Anonymous said...

I sense malaise, apathy, depression... Lyn, what's up with you? You know EVERYTHING there is to know about diet, exercise, health, the good - bad - ugly... BUT there doesn't seem to be anything that you're willing to do consistently and for long-term (even forever) to get you where you want to be - a healthy weight... You were so close! You know how it feels... Don't you really want that again?

16 blessings'mom said...

Lyn, as the mom of 11 daughters, I have to be really careful of what I say about my own body image. They are so good to me, encouraging me that it's self-confidence that makes anything look good on me...although one teenager likes to point out that I shouldn't wear the horizontal stripes. I also tried on dresses yesterday and wasn't loving the back fat and bulges and flaps...I see these thin women trying stuff on and think, "They have no trials." ha. I'm glad you're doing well, you encourage me to keep on!!

Della

Anonymous said...

How come you don't just weigh every week? It takes 30 seconds in the morning. No one is THAT busy.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

yes, I do want it. Agree, I am not focused heavily on weight loss and like I said in the post, not doing the work to make it happen. Since I don't blog much about my personal life, I really can't explain why. But yes, my energy and focus is tied up in other things right now. Not making an excuse, just saying. But yes, I need to make time to focus on my health more, too.

Della~

thank you. I absolutely want to set a good example for my daughter and not be a body-hater! Working on that.

Anonymous~

I did weigh every week (see post for weigh ins). Let me clarify though, I was not even *too busy* to blog... I just didn't feel like it. Rather focus on other things like the nice weather, cleaning, being pain free, and other things in my life. Blogging just isn't on the priority list right now, but I do plan to keep updating re: my weight and efforts to lose.

CatherineMarie said...

As well as exercise (and the yard work will help with that, as well), look into getting a massage. For me, it helped, not so much with lumps and bumps, but feeling happier with my body....