Since tomorrow is Mother's Day... a favorite day of mine... I decided to post my weigh in a day early. Yeah, tomorrow morning I will be having breakfast in bed (my menu of choice is scrambled eggs, bacon, and fresh watermelon) before heading to church, then coming home to spend time with my kids and enjoy a special dinner together (Indian food! Yummy!) I loved having little ones who always gave me homemade cards and special little gifts, but having older and grown children is wonderful too! My daughter decided that I needed a new dress ("bright colors, Mom, not just black!") for Mother's Day, so she and I spent time together shopping this week. I wrote about part of that experience last Sunday, trying on dresses and not finding anything I remotely liked in my size. Of course my daughter told me I looked beautiful in everything, but I just felt fat and frumpy when I was alone in the changing booth. So I'd say, "It's okay, but let's keep looking."
So after looking all week, I finally decided it was time to try a Big Girl's store, You know the ones... they cater to the larger sized ladies and nothing in there is under a size 14W (and in some cases, almost everything is labeled with X's: 1X, 2X, 3X and so on). I remember when I lost enough weight that nothing in those kinds of stores fit me anymore; it was a very strange feeling to go into a Lane Bryant or a Catherine's and find that everything in there was too big for me. I had to find a new way to shop! But now, I have gotten big enough again that I figured it was time to go back and see if I could find something pretty... something without giant sequined flowers on the chest or a big bow on the back like some plus sized sections seem to feature. One can only take so many baggy sweatshirts with forest scenes painted across the front... Anyway, today I went to a Big Girl's store which had clothes ranging from 14W to 5X. I figured I'd be able to find something passable there.
Well, I not only found a dress... I found TWO dresses and a huge boost of enthusiasm for further weight loss! This experience was different. Instead of clingy fabric on bulges, in the mirror I saw softly draping fabric that actually made me feel pretty! I loved the colors and prints, and as I browsed the clothes in this store I thought about how fun it would be to come back and buy more clothes in smaller sizes. I really loved so many of the dresses and other outfits they had, and looking in the mirror this time made me smile. One dress I tried on was sleeveless. I had tried some of those on earlier this week and was appalled at how bad my arms looked in them. I mean, seriously, my arms are misshapen from dangly hanging fat. They are very large (as they were when I was near 300 pounds) and not at all toned. I mean, I am trying to accept and love my body but the arms... that's hard. I will wear short sleeves, but the sleeveless stuff is just too much. I feel utterly naked in them. Somehow even a short sleeve seems to break up the large expanse of pale fatness of my upper arm, so short sleeves I can handle. Not sleeveless. But this dress... this pretty, brightly colored sleeveless dress... was just so perfect in every other way. I loved the design and the print. And I thought to myself, if I could just get my arms a BIT smaller and more toned, I would totally buy this dress and wear it. And that made me want to work on those arms even more! But for now, I chose two lovely short sleeved dresses that fit me perfectly: one in a size 16W and one in an 18W.
So my shopping trip was a success in that I got two great dresses that make me happy AND I feel totally inspired to lose weight, tone up, and try on more cute clothes! Honestly, I haven't felt this way in awhile. I mean, I always want better health. I want to lose weight... but it isn't a fire burning in me like it used to be. I guess after losing large amounts of weight a few times and gaining a lot of it back I have just had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that
I can't do this again,
It's not worth it. I will just gain it back again.
I did all that work to lose the weight but couldn't sustain it.
I don't want the disappointment of regaining AGAIN.
Even if I do lose weight this time, what's the point if I gain it back?
Those thoughts put a real damper on any desire to work hard and lose weight. I worked very hard to get to 175 pounds, and I feel like all that effort was in vain. All those times I was strong... all the times I turned down food... all the miles of biking and walking and all those pounds of lifting ended with me in *this* place: It's pretty discouraging, really. Yet there is something in me... an ember that never quite went out... that won't let me give up. It keeps me trying. Call it hope, call it perseverance, call it stubbornness. There has always been, even in the darkest times, a little bit of me just waiting for the bit of tinder needed to turn the ember into a burning flame again. It has rekindled at times over the years but then died back down when it wasn't tended. I am tending it now; I believe, I hope, I will keep adding tinder (small things, like the experience in the dressing room or how alive I feel after a bike ride or a long walk) so that it continues to burn and grow into the drive and commitment I had before, leading me to successful weight loss.
Scale says 237.