Saturday, May 9, 2015

In the Big Girls' Store

Since tomorrow is Mother's Day... a favorite day of mine... I decided to post my weigh in a day early.  Yeah, tomorrow morning I will be having breakfast in bed (my menu of choice is scrambled eggs, bacon, and fresh watermelon) before heading to church, then coming home to spend time with my kids and enjoy a special dinner together (Indian food! Yummy!) I loved having little ones who always gave me homemade cards and special little gifts, but having older and grown children is wonderful too! My daughter decided that I needed a new dress ("bright colors, Mom, not just black!") for Mother's Day, so she and I spent time together shopping this week. I wrote about part of that experience last Sunday, trying on dresses and not finding anything I remotely liked in my size. Of course my daughter told me I looked beautiful in everything, but I just felt fat and frumpy when I was alone in the changing booth. So I'd say, "It's okay, but let's keep looking."

So after looking all week, I finally decided it was time to try a Big Girl's store, You know the ones... they cater to the larger sized ladies and nothing in there is under a size 14W (and in some cases, almost everything is labeled with X's: 1X, 2X, 3X and so on). I remember when I lost enough weight that nothing in those kinds of stores fit me anymore; it was a very strange feeling to go into a Lane Bryant or a Catherine's and find that everything in there was too big for me. I had to find a new way to shop! But now, I have gotten big enough again that I figured it was time to go back and see if I could find something pretty... something without giant sequined flowers on the chest or a big bow on the back like some plus sized sections seem to feature. One can only take so many baggy sweatshirts with forest scenes painted across the front... Anyway, today I went to a Big Girl's store which had clothes ranging from 14W to 5X. I figured I'd be able to find something passable there.

Well, I not only found a dress... I found TWO dresses and a huge boost of enthusiasm for further weight loss! This experience was different. Instead of clingy fabric on bulges, in the mirror I saw softly draping fabric that actually made me feel pretty! I loved the colors and prints, and as I browsed the clothes in this store I thought about how fun it would be to come back and buy more clothes in smaller sizes. I really loved so many of the dresses and other outfits they had, and looking in the mirror this time made me smile. One dress I tried on was sleeveless. I had tried some of those on earlier this week and was appalled at how bad my arms looked in them. I mean, seriously, my arms are misshapen from dangly hanging fat. They are very large (as they were when I was near 300 pounds) and not at all toned. I mean, I am trying to accept and love my body but the arms... that's hard. I will wear short sleeves, but the sleeveless stuff is just too much. I feel utterly naked in them. Somehow even a short sleeve seems to break up the large expanse of pale fatness of my upper arm, so short sleeves I can handle. Not sleeveless. But this dress... this pretty, brightly colored sleeveless dress... was just so perfect in every other way. I loved the design and the print. And I thought to myself, if I could just get my arms a BIT smaller and more toned, I would totally buy this dress and wear it. And that made me want to work on those arms even more! But for now, I chose two lovely short sleeved dresses that fit me perfectly: one in a size 16W and one in an 18W.

So my shopping trip was a success in that I got two great dresses that make me happy AND I feel totally inspired to lose weight, tone up, and try on more cute clothes! Honestly, I haven't felt this way in awhile. I mean, I always want better health. I want to lose weight... but it isn't a fire burning in me like it used to be. I guess after losing large amounts of weight a few times and gaining a lot of it back I have just had this nagging thought in the back of my mind that

I can't do this again,
It's not worth it. I will just gain it back again.
I did all that work to lose the weight but couldn't sustain it.
I don't want the disappointment of regaining AGAIN.
Even if I do lose weight this time, what's the point if I gain it back?

Those thoughts put a real damper on any desire to work hard and lose weight. I worked very hard to get to 175 pounds, and I feel like all that effort was in vain. All those times I was strong... all the times I turned down food... all the miles of biking and walking and all those pounds of lifting ended with me in *this* place: It's pretty discouraging, really. Yet there is something in me... an ember that never quite went out... that won't let me give up. It keeps me trying. Call it hope, call it perseverance, call it stubbornness. There has always been, even in the darkest times, a little bit of me just waiting for the bit of tinder needed to turn the ember into a burning flame again. It has rekindled at times over the years but then died back down when it wasn't tended. I am tending it now; I believe, I hope, I will keep adding tinder (small things, like the experience in the dressing room or how alive I feel after a bike ride or a long walk) so that it continues to burn and grow into the drive and commitment I had before, leading me to successful weight loss.

Scale says 237.


17 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

I love Catherine's. Not only are many of the garments nice, but like you, I'm at the lower end of the sizes. I can't tell you--well, I probably don't need to--how wonderful it feels to be disappointed when something I want doesn't come in a size small enough. :D I'm glad your shopping trip went well.

This comment, tho, is more about the thoughts you expressed towards the end of the post.

These thoughts: " I feel like all that effort was in vain. All those times I was strong... all the times I turned down food... all the miles of biking and walking and all those pounds of lifting ended with me in *this* place"

Lyn, do hear this in a kind voice, but I just can't let that go--and neither should you. When those thoughts infiltrate your mind, you need to set them straight! They are lies sent to convince you to not try to lose weight.

For instance, being strong, turning down food, miles on the bike and walking, and all of that lifting--DID NOT GET YOU IN THIS PLACE. All of that got you to 175 pounds.

STOPPING those things and choosing to do the opposite too many times is what got you to this place. (Got me here, too. so I'm not pointing a finger.)

When you get those thoughts, you take them captive and correct them. You tell yourself the truth--that doing those things worked. You lost weight doing those things. It was the stopping that was the problem--and now you're going to start. Again.

It's time. For us both, to do what needs to be done to lose weight and then to do what needs to be done to keep it off.

Hugs,

Deb

Lyn said...

Thanks, Deb. Those are very good points and I will use them to adjust my attitude as needed! You're right, let's both get it done!

Anonymous said...

I would like to know exactly what you are eating and why you aren't losing weight.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

This week I ate more carbs than usual, and I think that's the reason for the stall. I'm not eating a lot in volume... just higher carb. Still gluten free, legume free, soy free, nut free.

As for "exactly," here's today:

Chobani cherry Greek yogurt
Starbucks iced green tea latte, no syrup
Jimmy Johns Vito Unwich (which is sub fillings wrapped in lettuce instead of a bun)
lots of water
2 gluten free pancakes, 2 Tbsp real maple syrup, 4 sausage links, and a cup of fresh strawberries

1569 calories, 69 g protein, 224 g carbs (see, carbs too high. This is changing now).

Steelers6 said...

I love how the dressing room didn't discourage you too much this time. And you found stuff!
Woo!
Mama's gonna look good on Mothers Day!
Have a wonderful day with the gang. :)
Chrissy

Anonymous said...

Good for you for persevering and finding two dresses that make you feel great! I'm at that stage too, after losing 80, where I have to find new clothes. I found that Lane Bryant had some really nice clothes this season. I actually bought size 20 Aqua capri pants and love them. All I use to wear were black yoga pants so I consider this a huge win.
Thanks for making anonymous comments an option again.
Allison

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
LOVE this post! When you were explaining how you found TWO dresses that you liked and enjoyed your experience, I seriously started tearing up. I have had that feeling before while clothes shopping and it is intense and wonderful at the same time.

I am not sure what else to say, but I am just so happy for you. :)

Happy Mother's Day!
-Nikki

Anonymous said...

Wow, previous Anonymous. Could you be more rude?

Winner at a Losing Game said...

Very real post! Thank you for sharing those innermost feelings! I have confidence that you will get where you want to be! Congratulations on those burning embers.

Anonymous said...

When I read your meals for May 9, my immediate thought was: "Where are the veggies and clean proteins like fish and chicken?"

I think it's great that you have been successful in avoiding certain foods. It would be equally wonderful to read about the great healthy foods that you need to add to you meals.

Michelle Himes said...

Your shopping trip sounds awesome! Yes, the "Big Girl" stores have come a long way, and have quite a few attractive things now. You should go back and get that sleeveless dress too, and get a shrug to wear over it. I bet it will look great.

CARLA said...

I KNOW YOU CAN.
xoxo

Cris said...

Happy Mother's Day Lyn. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful every day/ so I'm really glad to see that you took care of yourself on that score.

Have a fabulous week!

Leslie said...

So great Lyn! I'm happy for you. Funny how an experience like that can either totally derail me, or inspire me to do better.

Also - I have to commend you on even publishing the rude anon's comment...WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF HERS WHAT YOU'RE EATING?? If blog comments had like and dislike buttons, I would have disliked her immediately. Okay - I feel better now.

Deniz said...

Honey, you CAN do this again and you WILL do this again and it WILL go beautifully until you get to exactly where you want to be.

In the meanwhile enjoy wearing and feeling super in the pretty dresses and if needs be invest in a delicate bolero type shrug.

Rach said...

Congrats on finding a dress. I hate shopping at 242 pounds - I imagine I'll still hate it at 175.

Anonymous said...

Just found your site after a post on pinterest about shirataki noodles and find your honesty in putting it out there admirable...I too have lost it my smallest in 29+ yrs was 185 and well now lets say I need to lose 120 again...but we are warriors in the fight we know what horse will get us thru the war..we just need I inspiration again to get us thru the perspiration!!