Well, I never said I was perfect at this reintroduction thing...
So I decided to add back egg whites so that I could have eggs for breakfast sometimes instead of bacon, avocado, and fruit so often. On Saturday I had a bit of mayo (made with whole eggs) on a sandwich wrap (uncured ham, onions, and mayo wrapped in big lettuce leaves). That went fine. On Sunday, I had half a hard boiled egg in a salad that day (it was good, with Romaine, red onions, mushrooms, Gorgonzola, and grilled chicken) and that was fine too. Monday I had scrambled eggs (plain, scrambled and salted) which was just about the most delicious thing I ever tasted after not having them for so long. I think that was fine too. However I'm not sure... because I also ate potato chips. And French fries. Duh...
Why? Would would I do that? Such unhealthy crap... why?
1) It was a spur of the moment, craving thing. I justified it thinking, "hey, the egg whites went fine. I will try and reintroduce white potatoes! They're gluten free! Grain free! Nothing wrong with a bit of potatoes." Except of course I didn't wait long enough after reintroducing egg whites. And I know the potato frying oils are not in any way AIP compliant oils. Sorry, self, but eating potato chips and fries is NOT "reintroducing potatoes." It is an excuse. If I really wanted to reintroduce potatoes, I could have baked one or mashed one and tried that. But I didn't.
2) Cloe has often told me to "go ahead and have the chips! Stop torturing yourself. Have one measured serving! Learn to eat any food that isn't a medical issue, in moderation. Normalize those chips." I heard it during enough ED sessions and have been trying to ease into this normalization process without going overboard. Maybe this is another way I justified my food choice, but I honestly have been trying to trust her judgement and do things the way she says I should. Because she is the counselor... she is the specialist. So okay, buy a bag of chips, measure some to have with lunch. Eat them slowly. Be normal.
Only it wasn't normal, it was crazy making. After I ate them I felt like a switch had flipped and I needed to eat more. You can guess how that went. Then for dinner I went to a drive through and got a medium order of French fries and that was my dinner. Because all I wanted was fried potatoes.
And I remembered writing this post about food addiction and how my top crazy making food is... fried potatoes. I said in this post, "No fried potatoes. I am pretty sure that if you ever see me eating a fried potato it will mean I've had a relapse." Yep, obviously I relapsed all the way back up past 240 pounds, and now I am in danger of relapsing all the way back over 280. I know this and felt the crazy in those potatoes and I know I cannot let myself eat that kind of thing again. Not only do I feel gross and tired, but my face suddenly broke out (bad oils) and I am craving all kinds of crap.
Seriously, if you have never read that post go back and read it. I am living that prediction right now. But I am determined to stop it right now, before I go down the black hole of binge eating again.
I fired my counselor. I know that might seem harsh, but our views on food, addiction, weight, etc are just not meshing well. I *cannot* keep trying to normalize food in the way she is encouraging me to. There are just some things I cannot eat and that list is pretty long... and she doesn't agree. She doesn't agree that I should ban fried potatoes. She doesn't think there is a reason to never have a donut (gluten free donut, of course). I am not blaming her. I am saying, I cannot keep working with her on this path. I cannot normalize potato chips without ballooning up to 300+ pounds.
I don't claim to understand all of this. I am just working my way through this the best I can. But I do know this: trying to moderately eat French fries is really unwise for me. It was a lame thing to do (and to pretend to myself that it was a reintroduction of some sort, when it wasn't). Maybe I *will* reintroduce white potatoes some day... later. But if I do, those potatoes will NOT be fried.
And now I am backing off the potatoes completely and not adding anything else back until I feel better again.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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