Tuesday, March 24, 2015

I Did Something Lame


Well, I never said I was perfect at this reintroduction thing...

So I decided to add back egg whites so that I could have eggs for breakfast sometimes instead of bacon, avocado, and fruit so often. On Saturday I had a bit of mayo (made with whole eggs) on a sandwich wrap (uncured ham, onions, and mayo wrapped in big lettuce leaves). That went fine. On Sunday, I had half a hard boiled egg in a salad that day (it was good, with Romaine, red onions, mushrooms, Gorgonzola, and grilled chicken) and that was fine too. Monday I had scrambled eggs (plain, scrambled and salted) which was just about the most delicious thing I ever tasted after not having them for so long. I think that was fine too. However I'm not sure... because I also ate potato chips. And French fries. Duh...

Why? Would would I do that? Such unhealthy crap... why?

1) It was a spur of the moment, craving thing. I justified it thinking, "hey, the egg whites went fine. I will try and reintroduce white potatoes! They're gluten free! Grain free! Nothing wrong with a bit of potatoes." Except of course I didn't wait long enough after reintroducing egg whites. And I know the potato frying oils are not in any way AIP compliant oils. Sorry, self, but eating potato chips and fries is NOT "reintroducing potatoes." It is an excuse. If I really wanted to reintroduce potatoes, I could have baked one or mashed one and tried that. But I didn't.

2) Cloe has often told me to "go ahead and have the chips! Stop torturing yourself. Have one measured serving! Learn to eat any food that isn't a medical issue, in moderation. Normalize those chips." I heard it during enough ED sessions and have been trying to ease into this normalization process without going overboard. Maybe this is another way I justified my food choice, but I honestly have been trying to trust her judgement and do things the way she says I should. Because she is the counselor... she is the specialist. So okay, buy a bag of chips, measure some to have with lunch. Eat them slowly. Be normal.

Only it wasn't normal, it was crazy making. After I ate them I felt like a switch had flipped and I needed to eat more. You can guess how that went. Then for dinner I went to a drive through and got a medium order of French fries and that was my dinner. Because all I wanted was fried potatoes.

And I remembered writing this post about food addiction and how my top crazy making food is... fried potatoes. I said in this post, "No fried potatoes. I am pretty sure that if you ever see me eating a fried potato it will mean I've had a relapse." Yep, obviously I relapsed all the way back up past 240 pounds, and now I am in danger of relapsing all the way back over 280. I know this and felt the crazy in those potatoes and I know I cannot let myself eat that kind of thing again. Not only do I feel gross and tired, but my face suddenly broke out (bad oils) and I am craving all kinds of crap.

Seriously, if you have never read that post go back and read it. I am living that prediction right now. But I am determined to stop it right now, before I go down the black hole of binge eating again.

I fired my counselor. I know that might seem harsh, but our views on food, addiction, weight, etc are just not meshing well. I *cannot* keep trying to normalize food in the way she is encouraging me to. There are just some things I cannot eat and that list is pretty long... and she doesn't agree. She doesn't agree that I should ban fried potatoes. She doesn't think there is a reason to never have a donut (gluten free donut, of course). I am not blaming her. I am saying, I cannot keep working with her on this path. I cannot normalize potato chips without ballooning up to 300+ pounds.

I don't claim to understand all of this. I am just working my way through this the best I can. But I do know this: trying to moderately eat French fries is really unwise for me. It was a lame thing to do (and to pretend to myself that it was a reintroduction of some sort, when it wasn't). Maybe I *will* reintroduce white potatoes some day... later. But if I do, those potatoes will NOT be fried.

And now I am backing off the potatoes completely and not adding anything else back until I feel better again.




18 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

Groan. I so know how this feels/works/starts. Sighhh.

You know what to do. Go back to last week with the AIP routine. Before you added in "corn" (as in taco chips). I'm pretty sure that is what got the potato chip thing going. (What prompted you to add taco chips as your next thing may be something you want to look at, tho, if you get to analyzing this event.)

I'd say hold off on the egg whites til next week and then add them in.

All is not lost. You have a good AIP foundation. Just need to back up a week, regroup, and push on.

I'm rooting for you, and you know that I agree with ending sessions with Cloe. Seriously. The voice in your head is bad enough, do you really need a real person telling you it's a great idea to eat chips?

I hear that normal is highly oer-rated. :}

Hugs, Lyn. And this post took a lot of courage to write, all things considered.

Deb

Lyn said...

Thanks Deb, I think you're right about just going back a step and letting the dust settle on this. I *know* those corn chips triggered a chip "thing" in my head. I basically had them because I had added in the popcorn, was at a Mexican restaurant (ordering meat & AIP veggies) and the chip basket came. I thought "hey, it's corn, and I added back popcorn... soooo..." and ate a few. More justification. I have in the past been okay with having a few corn chips in a restaurant but maybe that plus the huge overexposure to Girl Scout cookies for weeks was just too much for my inner food addict to handle!

Carla Birnberg said...

I love you for your honesty.
and Im sharing this post today with a friend who needs to read it and see others share her struggle.

xo

Cyndi and Stumpy said...

First of all, Lyn, I think you may be the bravest human being I have ever met. I read your posts all the time. I think this is my first comment.

You've got so much try and heart. And self awareness. I'm envious.

The food counselor needed to go.

I need to get more serious about AIP. You're an inspiration and I thank you.

16 blessings'mom said...

I am rooting for you too, as I find my own way in this food addiction maze. I keep telling myself to Keep Your Eyes On Your Own Plate. We know ourselves. I also concur that Cloe wasn't a good fit for you. I absolutely hate when someone tells me that, "A little bit won't hurt...", or "just one bite...", or, "it's a special occasion...", because those are the same lies I am telling myself, and trying to resist. I find myself shocked and fascinated when I see "normal" people turn down dessert or a donut, like, "nah, I don't want it." How can anyone ever not want it? It doesn't make sense to me. I can't very well go and blab all of this to my kids, I don't want to pass my issues on to them, especially because I have a daughter who struggles with anorexia/bulemia. And my husband is super healthy, he has no excuses:) So. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being open and honest. I admire your tenacity. I love love love that you aren't giving up. Thank you again for sharing, and remember, you have so many friends our here who are in the same boat and wishing you all the best each day!

Della

JM said...

got it. I did this same thing this week. Is my junkie talking, seems like a good idea, but really, nope it wasnt. Maybe its in the stars? Brush it off, keep going. Really, sometimes trying to figure out the why will make you crazy. Today is a new day. the next SECOND is a new second! Good luck.

so wa said...

Hi. I'm still reading your old posts so i really cannot say much but what I've read so far is that you are a fighter. Don't let this small thing make you go crazy. You had a bad day so that you could learn from this mistake. You know you will not make that mistake again. I'm not saying eat fries but sometimes you need to make a mistake to become proactive again. I know i mess up one day and then i stay on plan for a long time. Good luck!

Unknown said...

This struck a chord in my memory from a book I bought and read a long, long time ago.

http://smile.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=thin%20commandments&sprefix=thin+comm%2Caps

The Thin Commandments, by Stephen Gullo

The book is in two parts. Part 1 covers his counseling with overweight and obese people and case histories and anecdotes. Part 2 is his diet that he developed. I mainly got the book for the information in part 1. At one point, he relates the story of a client who had lost a lot of weight and was doing wonderfully until they ate a cookie at an event. They justified it as fitting into their calories for the day. Unfortunately, it triggered a binge for them. He told the client (and this is what resonated in your post with my memory):

"You can't think of a cookie as having 50 calories and try to fit it into your plan when cookies are your trigger food. Look at that cookie as having 5,000 calories or more, because by the time you're done with that one cookie, it has turned into a whole package of cookies and let to all sorts of other bad choices."

As someone who has lost a lot of weight and is currently fighting a 40 pound regain, I know what a slippery slope that first taste of a trigger food can be.

(((((HUGS))))) Hang in there, lady!

Catherine55 said...

Good for you for blogging about it! It is totally normal to slip up now and then. The important thing is what you do AFTER you slip up, and it sounds like you are handling it like a champ.

Hang in there!

Winner at a Losing Game said...

Maybe you just are not ready for Chloe's program. I don't know why we have the triggers we do, but I share your potato trigger for sure. I think the others are right in going back a week and having a re do. You were doing well and can pick it back up.

Alison Calderone said...

Oh how frustrating that must be for you! Good job at being honest with yourself and not further rationalizing eating French fries!

Let me just tell you - if you end up with a list of foods that you feel you cannot eat because they will fire up your food addiction, well, you won't be alone. I have just such a list. I call it the list of things that I've never ever eating a single, reasonable serving of. And, one day at a time, I do not eat anything off of that list. Now, I've had slips here and there, but they are very few and far between because it is easier for me to avoid the foods on that list when I'm not eating any of them. And if I never eat the things on that list ever again, my life will be just as rich and happy, and probably healthier! For example, cookies are on that list for me. If I never eat another cookie again, I'll be healthier for sure, and it won't be the end of the world. There are people on Earth who will live and die having never eaten a cookie (maybe no one in the US, but somewhere), and their life will be worth no less than anyone else's for having not had a cookie.

You have an amazing knowledge about your self, as evidenced by so many of your blog posts. I encourage you to trust yourself to act on that self-knowledge in ways that you feel will work for you. Always wishing you the best...

Janet said...

Boy! Once again... You and I are living the SAME LIFE!! I fired my counselor last week too! Because, like your counselor, these ED chicks are all about "normalizing" (junk) food - and while I agree there is a place for this approach with certain patients, it's not (ever!) the correct approach for me!

I was told NOT to limit any food... I was told to "listen" to my body and eat what it wants, when it wants it but ONLY until it is no longer hungry. Well, being satisfied, NOT being hungry NEVER happens because I am EMPTIONALLY hungry all the time!

I finally told her... "I could "listen" to my body all the way back to 302 pounds!" I am 22 pounds UP on her advice and it stops NOW!

When I relayed all of this to my weight loss doctor he congratulated me on my decision (although he's the DA that sent me to see her) saying that (like I said) there is a place for that advice in MAINTENANCE but NOT during the period of active weight loss/when you're trying to reach your goal weight/still have weight to lose.

So here I am... Again. Like you, throwing myself in front of what feels (and looks) like a speeding train - determined (desperate?) to stop the bleed. Back to what works, because... IT WORKS!

Always with much love to you,

xo

JCB

ishouldbefull said...

Lyn, I have to tell you that I am just so happy for you that you changed your path and are not working with that counselor any more. I haven't commented about it before because it was absolutely not my place. However, now that you are there yourself I want to applaud you for making such a good decision for yourself.

I am a psychotherapist AND a food addict. I've worked with addicts whose substances range from food to heroin to sex to you name it. You know what? I've never seen any addict be able to "normalize" their substance and succeed. I know that if I'm trying to "normalize" I fail and it gives my disease all sorts of fodder for manipulation and control over me.

You are so honest and self-reflective you will know what you need. Trust yourself and know that we are behind you.

Jenny bobbitt said...

I also highly recommend the book mentioned above. (The thin commandments). Awesome, Awesome book, u can use the Philosophy with many different food diet plans, I have lost 86 pounds over 3 years and so far not gained back

Gina said...

Lynn, you so did something un-lame! You listened to your inner self and fired the nutritionist. Perhaps you'll find another more suited. Till then, huzzah! You know what to do, you need a cheerleader encouraging you on that path. I hope your readers help fill that gap. Blessings and feel better sister.

Yanina said...

Lynn,

I was wondering if you could do some data gathering and analysis. You have this blog that is pretty consistent and you have your weight measures recorded pretty consistently. I wonder if you can decided on a few action verbs (restrict, normalize, limit, allow ect) and go through your blog (this would be a time commitment) and add them up in different categories (restrict vs normalize) over time. Polot those sums with your weight over time to see what really trends together. Does weight gain usually follow restriction that followed a "binge"? Or maybe it does not. Your blog is a really unique resource. I would be just uber curios.

y

Joanna said...

I did almost 2 years of gluten free and lost no weight at all. I was really careful with not eating gluten and justified corn and potatoes because they were GF. Gluten is not the villain in my case but wheat and corn and grains including rice and quinoa are just too much carb for me so I just can't have them. Corn is a huge trigger food for me. I have not had any grain items (or not any significant grains) in almost a year and I am so much healthier. I no longer obsess about food and my food dreams have totally gone away. That is me. Sugar and carbs=no good--for me. I think you had a really eye opening experience.

Taryl said...

The old post was bang on my own experience and apparently yours, too. I think you were clear headed and absolutely right with your recommendation that having a list of a few foods you simply cannot eat without being triggered is hugely important.