When I posted last week with my regain pictures, I got some very thoughtful comments: some with support, some with suggestions, some asking what my plan is now. And that is the question that is sticking in my head: what's your plan? And my immediate answer is, I don't know. I am all planned out. I am highly resistant to starting any more plans, diets, regimens, etc. I hesitate to make anymore proclamations about what I am going to do and how determined I am to do it, because I am sick of doing that and then failing. I have spent YEARS now picking a plan, doing the plan... sometimes for a few weeks, sometimes for a few months or even a couple of years... but always, always in the past it has eventually fallen apart and ended in some kind of long, long plateau or regain. And now I am looking at it, wanting to make changes and "fix" this, but I have such a hard time believing anymore: believing it can be done and not end in another regain.
I do not like being this heavy, this big. I do not like lacking the energy to do the things I enjoy, and I know I am not healthy right now. I wake up every morning and pick-a-plan (my go-to's being calorie counting, low carb, AIP, or Medifast) and go at it until about 3pm and then fall apart. It happens every time I try to "start" something. When I say "fall apart" I mean I eat something that puts me into the "off plan" category. Like so:
On a day when I have decided to do AIP, I might have my bacon/avocado/veggies breakfast, some soup and fruit for lunch, and then eat a piece of lasagna in the afternoon.
On a day when I am trying to do Medifast-ish (I have about a month's worth of meal supplements left over from the Packet Days, including Medifast and Wonderslim), I will have my packets at 8, 10, and 12 and then go have a bowl of chili with corn chips, cheese, and sour cream.
On a day when I am calorie counting, I will open Sparkpeople and track my Greek yogurt for breakfast, my banana for a snack, my chicken salad with crackers for lunch, and then eat a dinner of large helpings, unmeasured, with calorie amounts decidedly over my "limit" for the day.
Why? Why the self sabotage? Why do I keep doing these things? I take breaks in between these "diet days" and try to just eat rational amounts of healthy foods but I end up saying yes to the chocolate truffle sample in the mall, and yes to a few slices of cheese in the afternoon, and yes to a nice comforting bowl of pudding before bed. And all of that is enough to make me NOT lose weight... maybe even keep gaining if I am not careful. It's not that ONE chocolate truffle ruins my chances. It's not that a few slices of cheese can't fit into a calorie counting plan. It's that I quit working it after lunch and give up. It's easier to eat what's easy, what's comforting, what I want.
So when you ask what my plan is, I don't know. I guess my plan is to calorie count and try harder to not give up after lunch. It's the least restrictive of my options. My plan is to increase my activity (which has been the plan for a long time... and I get going for a few days or a week and then quit. I haven't been swimming or lifting or biking more than a couple times in... weeks I guess. Just walking, and not often enough) and to eat better. I know what to do. I don't know why I am not doing it.
I had an appointment with my ED counselor, Cloe, last week, but my daughter was sent home from school sick that day just an hour before the appointment and I had to cancel. I tried to call and ask if we could do the appointment over the phone, but never got a call back. I have another appointment next week. I don't know if that is going to be the answer, or if getting more support (which I am looking into) will be the answer, or if the answer is somewhere inside me. None of this makes sense to me. Everything in my brain knows I need to lose weight. I want to. I want to be healthy, and exercise, and eat well, and feel as good as I used to feel. So why am I having a hard time with it? I don't get it. Is it subconscious? Biological? Emotional? Laziness? I wish I knew.
I will keep trying every day. I don't binge, although I overeat and I eat the "wrong" foods for whatever I am trying to do on any given day. There is no way a 500 calorie piece of cheesecake is going to fit into my calorie counting plan when my Metabolic Rate testing said that I have to eat less than 1440 calories/day AND exercise 30 minutes a day AND have an active lifestyle to lose any weight. So what I choose to eat really matters and has to be higher volume, higher nutrition, lower calories.
I have to do it but where is the DOING IT going to come from? It has to come from within, somehow, and this time around, I haven't quite figured out how to make that happen.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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