Well this was about the most miserable post ever...
I used to so enjoy taking progress pictures for my blog. From my very first "30 Pounds Gone" photo post to the exciting "100 Pounds Gone" post, it was great to compare these pictures and see my progress from the "before" pictures on the front page of my blog. Every ten pounds I took pictures. I was so excited, proud of how my hard work was paying off, and amazed at the transformation of my body.
Seeing the pounds pile back on as I've regained weight has not been so fun. Seeing the fat layering back onto my body in different, strange ways has been alarming. I tried. I fought. After the initial, rapid regain, I've been going up and down the same 20 or 30 pounds for a couple of years trying to recapture that weight loss success I once enjoyed. But every time I'd lose, it would eventually come back even faster. Unstoppable, it seemed.
It feels like I am in a car going 90 miles an hour, strapped in the passenger seat and about to crash. It's like slow motion: I see the wall or truck or tree ahead that we are hurtling toward. I know it's happening; I slam my foot against the floorboard in a gut reaction, even though I'm not the one driving. Or maybe I am, but when I slam down my foot, the brake pedal is gone. It feels like that. Out of control. Terrifying. You might think that's an exaggeration. But if you have ever gained ten pounds in a week, or twenty in a month, and no matter what you do you can't seem to stick to any plan of action for long enough to get 30 pounds back off, you know this frightening feeling. Yet when I step back and take *all* the emotion out of it, my mind tells me, "look, there's the brake. Apply it. There's a path around the collision course. Take it. You do not have to do this." Easy to think. So very hard to do.
I am trying to do it... to stop letting my emotions drive my actions. I am working at being more logical in the moment... putting the food down and saying no to the things I want to eat instead of letting my panic, sadness, or anxiety grab the wheel and steer me into trouble. But for now, here's where I am.
I took these pictures after Thanksgiving, weighing 243 pounds. That is a gain of 68 pounds from my low weight of 175 back in October 2010... over four years ago. I did not really want to take these pictures, much less post them. When I looked at them I thought, "oh, I don't look that bad." But then I went looking at my old progress pictures on my blog: 80 pounds, 90 pounds, 100 pounds gone. And I started to feel sick, just sick at how far I had come and how good I looked and how I threw that away. I never would have DREAMED I would "let" myself regain this much weight... never! Yet here I am. comparing the pictures is devastating to me and I want to cry because I want that back. I want a time machine to go back and hang on, hold on tight and not let that accomplishment go. But all I can do is look to the future and pray I will be strong enough, committed enough to make it happen again.
So here are my "68 Pounds Regained" pictures.
Compared to my 100 Pounds Gone pictures:
Really upsetting to me... very much so.
I have to console myself with the thoughts that a) I still look a lot better than I did in the "before" pictures at 278 pounds, b) I can fix this. I have to believe that.
Going forward from here I will take pics every time I hit the old "ten pound" marks so I can compare them to the ones I took originally. This one is close to the old 238 pictures so I will wait 15 pounds for the next ones. See you at 228.