So as I said before... hellish nightmare. That's what it feels like.
I was sitting here the other night remembering how it used to be... how at first I was so excited and dedicated and worked and fought to lose weight. I remember how, the first time down the hell scale, it was so liberating and wondrous as the pounds fell off. Every ten pounds was a whole new level of freedom. I was thinking about back when I finally got to a point when mopping was easier, raking leaves was fun, and I actually *enjoyed* breaking a sweat for housecleaning and yardwork. I remember blogging about what a wonderful new world that was and how grateful I was to have lost enough weight to experience it.
Yesterday I went back to the beginning of my blog and started reading. I read through the initial thrill of losing weight simply by walking 2 blocks here and there, cutting back on junk, bingeing only a few times a month, and eating more produce from the Farmer's Market. I remembered how I dropped those first pounds gleefully, and as I read I searched for that post I wrote when I first felt free of the "fat prison"... that memorable day when I mopped my floors *and liked it* because it felt good, I had energy, and it wasn't hard anymore. I will never forget that day; the memory of the feeling of exhilaration and triumph is so vivid. I miss that feeling; I want to get there again. I was reading along and thinking to myself "I wish I could get to that weight again, where I felt so light and healthy and energetic. I want to be able to mop my floors without being out of breath." Well, I found it. I found that time where I posted about feeling that way. And do you know what I weighed on that day? On the day I felt so light and free and energized, I weighed 236 pounds... only four pounds lighter than I am now.
And I thought... what the heck??? I don't remember being THIS BIG when I felt that way! I was so light... so happy! I moved without hindrance. I remember it! I couldn't have been this heavy. I feel so sluggish and huge now! But I was. I had lost 42 pounds and I felt amazing. Yet here I am at almost that same weight and I feel like a total whale. Mopping is exhausting! I don't like it at all. How can that be?
Well, back then I was exercising regularly. I think that is the biggest difference in how I felt versus how I feel now: not the weight, but the fitness. At that time I was biking 20 minutes 3-4 days a week and had just started strength training 20 minutes 3 times a week. Oh, and it was spring, and I was six years younger, which could have some effect too. But it amazes me that I felt so great at this weight on the way down, and feel so crappy on the way back up. It is hard to go up stairs, hard to mop or clean or rake, hard to walk far. I get out of breath and my joints and feet start to ache. I have zero stamina and feel sluggish most of the time. But at least I know that it isn't directly because of what I weigh.
I'm trying to recreate the energy I had back then, although I don't know if that's possible with the depression and the winter approaching. I don't know if the hormonal whackiness of my mid-forties will play a role in how I feel either. I have health issues now that I did not have then. But I am trying, I am working at it. I have cut the processed foods back out, and I am increasing my activity. I got on my bike the other day and made it for 12 minutes; I'll be getting back on today as soon as I'm done blogging. I'm shooting for 3 or 4 times a week, working up to 20 minutes each time. And I have to believe that I'll be able to bike right back out of this hellish nightmare.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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