Sunday, November 23, 2014

Regaining Weight Sucks

Yesterday I had a bit of a revelation. I was at the mall shopping with my daughter for a few hours. It was quite crowded, so I wasn't terribly surprised when a young man bumped into me as he passed. It happens. Hasn't happened to me in years, but oh well. We both said "Sorry!" and moved on. A few minutes later, the scene was replayed when a woman walking with her family ran into me. Sheesh! And then two more times over the course of an afternoon I was rammed into as I was passing people in stores.

I started getting kind of annoyed... thinking about why people have to be in such a rush they can't even bother to watch where they're going. How rude are kids these days. Why aren't people more careful? Wait... are they being rude to me because I am so fat? Are they disrespecting my space because I am obese? I started wondering about that. After all, I haven't been bumped into like that since I was, like, 260 pounds or more. Maybe I am invisible again and not respectable...

But then I remembered something. When I was morbidly obese, yes. I did get bumped into more. I did get treated like I was invisible more, too. But I also used to bump into people and things because I didn't realize how big I was. My body sense was really off, and I wrote about it in this post about how one time I knocked a whole glass shelf of party favors to the floor with my hip. Yikes. I guess that is where I am again. I mean, I don't really know... maybe some of those people were texting and not looking where they were going. Maybe they really did bump into *me* out of inattention. Or maybe... maybe I bumped into *them* because I am fatter now and I do not have the body sense to know how much space I take up... just like I did in that post. 

Yeah, this makes me sad, and embarrassed, and kind of ashamed. Regaining weight sucks... it sucks so bad, and I guess that is why so few people keep blogging and chronicling a regain. It is hard to believe I have regained 65 pounds. How did this happen to me? Gosh it is emotionally painful. And it's no picnic physically, either. I do notice how much heavier my body is when I try to get up, or walk fast, or move myself from one place to another. It is harder to roll over in bed, get out of a chair, use the bathroom, put on my shoes... everything. I hate it. I think over time as the pounds came back I tried very hard to ignore it (maybe this is a defense mechanism to a painful reality?) and think "oh it is just ten pounds from my lowest" or "oh I am only 20 pounds heavier and I can lose that pretty fast." I got back over 200 and was horrified but over time, I started to accept 200 as not that bad. And once you hit 220, boy 200 looks great! I'd lose back down to 208 and think "this isn't so bad, I can live with this." Then when I hit 228 it was "only" 20 pounds more, I can get that off in a couple of months. But when you hit 235, suddenly 218 looks great! And you think "if only I could get back to 218 I could live with that!" And now at 240... 225 looks very good to me. The scary thing is, if I keep going like this, the next step is hitting 260 and thinking how great 240 looks. But 240 is not great, it is not where I want to live. I want to stop accepting higher and higher weights and thinking if I could "only" be 20 pounds less I would be happy. This is really not okay.

I took measurements of myself this week, and I was shocked that I have gained inches from when I was 238 before (just 2 pounds less, so there shouldn't be THAT much difference). My hips are 2 inches bigger, my waist and thighs are each 3/4" bigger. My upper arm is 1 1/4" larger! I can only surmise that this is because I have lost muscle and replaced it with fat since I last measured. I *was* strength training, biking and walking more, and doing sit-ups and wall push-ups. I have really turned to mush. I don't like this at all.

This is the opposite of my experience *losing* the weight was: the getting smaller, buying clothes in smaller sizes, the thrill of seeing the inches go down and feeling more energy. I felt prettier and happier, could do more and enjoyed posting pictures of my dramatic transformation. But on the regain, it is all about getting bigger, not fitting into clothes, needing larger sizes and having less energy. I feel unattractive and unhappy, it is hard to do the things I once did, and I hide from people I have not seen in 20 pounds because I can't stand to see their eyebrows go up and the surprise at how bloated I must look. It is absolutely like a strange, cruel reversal of the whole trip down the scale.

I want to lose this weight again. I want to change the direction things are headed. I know how, at least how to get started and be healthier. I know I just have to force myself to do it, day after day, until it is a habit again and until I start feeling better and letting the success snowball. 

I did not lose any weight this week with just cutting back on processed foods and exercising more. I did bike 4 days this week, 12 to 20 minutes each time. It's a good start but I need more. So I'll keep working on increasing the biking and adjusting the diet, and this week I will add strength training back in. I want to go swimming, too... it's just finding time to do it that has been the problem. Guess I need to prioritize better. I know the holidays is a sucky time to start trying to lose weight, but if I wait until January 1 like everyone else, I'll weigh 250+ by then. No point in that. This week will be better, and I am also going to take some progress pictures to post. Time to start using my blog for my own accountability again. 


15 comments:

Deb Willbefree said...

I soooo get this post. Reality is shocking, yes it is.

I had that whole bumping into things event a few months ago. I kept sideswiping doorways in my house. Clearly, the door frames weren't texting... chuckle. groan.

16 blessings'mom said...

Lyn, hugs. Don't give up. We love you:)

Della

Rebecca Patterson said...

Reading this overwhelms me...makes my stomach hurt!....but the bottom line...no matter what we read, try, hope for in our brains...carbs, wheat, glutton, aid, etc...here is the truth of the truth.....calories in - calories spent = calories left = mass of our body. Keep trying or be happy finally not trying....if someone said " if you weigh 270 pounds with no anxiety about your weight or 150 and have constant anxiety about gaining...which would you choose???hmmmmm.....

divad said...

I know this pain all too well. Regaining does suck. Especially after all the work put in to lose. But, the regain is part of the journey to keeping it off for good. You'll find your way back...

timothy said...

just don't give up darlin. it's sucky now but as you regain control and start gaining momentum the energy and joy will increase too...and there is abnsolutely no reason the holidays should derail healthy living simply don't bring the pretty poison into your house. make delicious healthy choices after all you don't want your family following in the harmful footsteps of your past.

bigmomma said...

Lyn, it's like you're inside my mind. I completely understand your words and I feel them right along with you.

Gina said...

Love you girl! You are describing my process precisely, thank you. I am less alone. We can turn the tide. We CAN.

Unknown said...

I am so glad you are brave enough to share such a personal journey. I am going thru the same journey. I lost 60 lbs with WW but not at goal. Regained 30 lbs. due to medical issues and mental issues. Went back 2 weeks ago and finally lost weight. It is a process and whatever method you choose, works. But it is hard especially when you have been successful. At this moment making a commitment minute by minute is what keeps me going and saying my mantra "No more insulin". But I know this journey will have bumps and turns, I just need to be prepare for them. Just keep swimming and thank you.

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn, give it another week at this activity level. I started walking again, just to the end of the street and back, and it is making a difference. I started doing it in October. Just that little bit of extra walking, every day.

I'd also like for you to think about maintaining when you hit 20 lbs down, or 200. Just try to maintain. it gets your body used to the weight, gets you used to your size, and gives you a new normal. Then you can go back in, drop another ten pounds, and not only will your body not fight you as much, but you will be able to recalibrate better.

I need to start getting massages again, as to me, that really helped me gauge my size better...

Sean Anderson said...

Your incredibly insightful posts always grab my attention. In my dramatic slide, I couldn't find the courage to blog--except for an occasional "I'm righting this ship any time now," type post.
When I read this--I don't read a blog of someone who's headed in the wrong direction. Call me an eternal optimist--but I read all kinds of wonderful things indicating your direction is moving exactly where you want it to move.
You're aware. You're blogging it out--sharing your thoughts, feelings-emotions--this is like opening the window blinds to your future where you're feeling incredible--instead of closing the blinds and wishing it all away.
Excellent exercise--excellent work all the way around. I completely understand the self-perception relating our size...it's never been an accurate perception for me.

Alison Calderone said...

Oh the regain...yes, it has happened to so many of us. Thank you for your very honest thoughts about your situation. At one point, you mentioned that perhaps you felt ashamed by the regain. I understand that feeling and have felt it myself. But please understand - there is no reason to be ashamed! Your worth IS NOT your weight, your weight loss or gain, your clothing size, your measurements, your diet, or any external thing like that. You are SO MUCH MORE than those things! Your worth lies in your honesty, your love of your children, your generosity, and all those internal things that make you, you! As Della says, we love you, and you are worthy of that love no matter what.

Karen said...

Listen to Tips of the Scale, episode 129. Ruby Gettinger. Podcast. Many truth bombs there. Although I'm not a personal member of Sam Lomeli's private scale warriors group, I'd like to recommend it. Many people in that group live and work through depression, regain, etc.
I'm in a different group already. The resources and support I've gotten from paying a teeny amount ($5 monthly) have paid me back many times over in resources , support, etc.

dupster said...

You are so right--when we start regaining we lose the desire to document our failure through our blogs. I blog over at Spark, and did it much less frequently than when I was actively losing and for the 2+ years I maintained. I regained 32 pounds of an original 178-pouhnd loss. Like you, I hated it. I couldn't stop. I knew I was headed back to that 328 pounds I weighed for so long, and felt powerless to top the upward trend. Being out of control is an awful feeling. I joined a Dietbet in June. For some reason that motivated me finally. I won the first one and am currently starting my 5th Dietbet (having won the first four!) Dietbet is what saved me. I have lost 27 of those 32 pounds and once again feel like I am in control. Hope I can stay there during the season of overeating that is upon us now. Like you, I absolutely HATED everything about being morbidly obese and will do anything in my power to avoid going back there. I know you can do this---blogging more often is a great start!

Catherine55 said...

Oh, Lynn! This breaks my heart, but I know you'll be back in a good place again.

I wish that WLS was an option that you were open to considering because for me personally, it was such a Godsend. I struggled the way you described so many times, but after I got banded, I finally had the help I needed to get in control of my weight. I know it's not the right option for everyone, and I respect your decision. I just know you are struggling, and it's the best help I can think of to suggest.

Catherine

Fat Pants Be Gone said...

I so understand how you feel. I went from 352 lbs down to 263 and now I am back up to 309 lbs. I totally agree and it does suck to gain the weight. But I am sure we can do this. Hugs.