I started getting kind of annoyed... thinking about why people have to be in such a rush they can't even bother to watch where they're going. How rude are kids these days. Why aren't people more careful? Wait... are they being rude to me because I am so fat? Are they disrespecting my space because I am obese? I started wondering about that. After all, I haven't been bumped into like that since I was, like, 260 pounds or more. Maybe I am invisible again and not respectable...
But then I remembered something. When I was morbidly obese, yes. I did get bumped into more. I did get treated like I was invisible more, too. But I also used to bump into people and things because I didn't realize how big I was. My body sense was really off, and I wrote about it in this post about how one time I knocked a whole glass shelf of party favors to the floor with my hip. Yikes. I guess that is where I am again. I mean, I don't really know... maybe some of those people were texting and not looking where they were going. Maybe they really did bump into *me* out of inattention. Or maybe... maybe I bumped into *them* because I am fatter now and I do not have the body sense to know how much space I take up... just like I did in that post.
Yeah, this makes me sad, and embarrassed, and kind of ashamed. Regaining weight sucks... it sucks so bad, and I guess that is why so few people keep blogging and chronicling a regain. It is hard to believe I have regained 65 pounds. How did this happen to me? Gosh it is emotionally painful. And it's no picnic physically, either. I do notice how much heavier my body is when I try to get up, or walk fast, or move myself from one place to another. It is harder to roll over in bed, get out of a chair, use the bathroom, put on my shoes... everything. I hate it. I think over time as the pounds came back I tried very hard to ignore it (maybe this is a defense mechanism to a painful reality?) and think "oh it is just ten pounds from my lowest" or "oh I am only 20 pounds heavier and I can lose that pretty fast." I got back over 200 and was horrified but over time, I started to accept 200 as not that bad. And once you hit 220, boy 200 looks great! I'd lose back down to 208 and think "this isn't so bad, I can live with this." Then when I hit 228 it was "only" 20 pounds more, I can get that off in a couple of months. But when you hit 235, suddenly 218 looks great! And you think "if only I could get back to 218 I could live with that!" And now at 240... 225 looks very good to me. The scary thing is, if I keep going like this, the next step is hitting 260 and thinking how great 240 looks. But 240 is not great, it is not where I want to live. I want to stop accepting higher and higher weights and thinking if I could "only" be 20 pounds less I would be happy. This is really not okay.
I took measurements of myself this week, and I was shocked that I have gained inches from when I was 238 before (just 2 pounds less, so there shouldn't be THAT much difference). My hips are 2 inches bigger, my waist and thighs are each 3/4" bigger. My upper arm is 1 1/4" larger! I can only surmise that this is because I have lost muscle and replaced it with fat since I last measured. I *was* strength training, biking and walking more, and doing sit-ups and wall push-ups. I have really turned to mush. I don't like this at all.
This is the opposite of my experience *losing* the weight was: the getting smaller, buying clothes in smaller sizes, the thrill of seeing the inches go down and feeling more energy. I felt prettier and happier, could do more and enjoyed posting pictures of my dramatic transformation. But on the regain, it is all about getting bigger, not fitting into clothes, needing larger sizes and having less energy. I feel unattractive and unhappy, it is hard to do the things I once did, and I hide from people I have not seen in 20 pounds because I can't stand to see their eyebrows go up and the surprise at how bloated I must look. It is absolutely like a strange, cruel reversal of the whole trip down the scale.
I want to lose this weight again. I want to change the direction things are headed. I know how, at least how to get started and be healthier. I know I just have to force myself to do it, day after day, until it is a habit again and until I start feeling better and letting the success snowball.
I did not lose any weight this week with just cutting back on processed foods and exercising more. I did bike 4 days this week, 12 to 20 minutes each time. It's a good start but I need more. So I'll keep working on increasing the biking and adjusting the diet, and this week I will add strength training back in. I want to go swimming, too... it's just finding time to do it that has been the problem. Guess I need to prioritize better. I know the holidays is a sucky time to start trying to lose weight, but if I wait until January 1 like everyone else, I'll weigh 250+ by then. No point in that. This week will be better, and I am also going to take some progress pictures to post. Time to start using my blog for my own accountability again.