This might sound funny, but the last few days I have felt more "interested" in losing weight again. Yeah, that sounds pretty crazy coming from a weight loss blogger. But you've probably noticed my real apathy the last few months for actual weight loss. I've been ambivalent about it. Sure, I've wanted to be thinner and wished I wasn't so fat. But even when I felt motivated to make some changes, they've been more about health, thyroid function, and feeling better than about seeing a lower weight on the scale. I dunno why that is. Maybe part of me is just so used to being obese that I can settle into a comfort zone with it and, despite my wishing to be thinner, there is some acceptance of the fat me. I guess that is partly because I have been over 200 pounds for most of the past two decades, partly because it is easier to not think about the weight, and partly because I've always felt like rejecting my obesity is like rejecting my obese mother. Weird, I know. Not logical... emotional. Anyway, since I got sick this fall and fell into a mire of seasonal depression, I've not had the energy or even the desire, most of the time, to focus on my weight. I've had moments... you know the kind where you have a burst of "I am going to do this" but they've not lasted very long, and thus I'm in this state of almost-morbid-obesity again and I have a choice: keep gaining or start losing. Because I know this is not a weight I am going to stagnate at for long... it'll either drive me to eat more (because why not? I'm already super fat) or make some changes to lose again (because this is a miserable way to feel).
As I said yesterday I know it is not *just* about the weight... it is about the lack of fitness. I started to wonder if it was also a nutrition thing. After all, I have been eating some processed foods for snacks or lunches sometimes. I tried to remember what I was eating back then (in 2008, at the time I posted about the other day when I remembered being energized and happy). My blog back then indicated I had some days where I was binge eating Easter candy, fast food and brownies but other days when I was focused on produce and heathy eating. But the cool thing about using a program like Sparkpeople is it saves your data... forever. (Or at least for many years!) I was able to go back and look at exactly what I was eating back then when I was feeling so amazing. I picked out a couple of random days right around the time I wrote the "I love to mop, I feel great" post. Here they are:
Breakfast: Chai tea with 1/2 c 2% milk and 2 tsp sugar. 1 Kashi waffle topped with 1 tsp grape jam and 1/2 Tbsp Jif peanut butter.
Lunch: Sandwich on white bread with 2 slices of salami, 2 oz turkey, 1 oz cheese, 1 lettuce leaf, and 1 tbsp reduced fat mayo with a serving of cheddar goldfish crackers.
Dinner: ½ c peas, 2 meatballs and ½ c gravy mixed with 5 Tbsp sour cream over a cup of egg noodles.
Snacks: 1 Dove dark chocolate, ½ Weight Watchers chocolate chip muffin, 1 packet of Snackwells zesty cheese crackers
1493 cal, 187 carb, 50 fat, 80 pro, 20 fiber
Breakfast: Chai tea with ½ c skim milk and 2 tsp sugar. Yoplait light key lime yogurt
Lunch: 1.5 White Castle cheeseburgers, egg salad made from 1 boiled egg, 1 egg white and 2 Tbsp light mayo. 1.25 cups asparagus and 2 slices of ham.
Dinner: 6 inch subway turkey sub with light mayo, lettuce and black olives and a bag of Sun Chips
Snacks: Starbucks grande vanilla latte, Kashi protein bar, 3 sugar free Reeces mini peanut butter cups, and Chai tea made with 1/3 c 2% milk and 2 tsp sugar
1503 cal, 184 carbs, 49g fat, 88g pro, 16 fiber
Breakfast: 1 c 2% milk with 3 Tbsp Ovaltine, 2 Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls with icing, 1 whipped yogurt cup
Lunch: 2 slices Domino’s pepperoni pizza, 1 oz potato chips, 2 Tbsp sour cream dip
Dinner: 2.5 c Campbell’s Italian Wedding Soup, 1 serving cheddar crackers
Snacks: 2 – 100 calorie packs of Pringles, 1 Yoplait vanilla yogurt, 1 English muffin with 1 Tbsp light butter, 1/2 c dry oatmeal (cooked) with 1 Tbsp Jif peanut butter, 1 Tbsp honey, and 2 tsp brown sugar
2002 cal, 292 g carbs, 78 g fat, 62 g protein, 12 g fiber
There are also menus including more vegetables, but most of them looked like these. Some days there are things listed like Sonic chicken sandwiches, Coke, frozen pizzas and Wendy's bacon cheeseburgers. One day after logging breakfast and lunch, there is an entry of "extra food - 900 calories." I wasn't perfect. I was eating way more processed/junky food than I remembered, but I felt so great, and I was losing weight. I am not sure what has changed since then but I suspect I would not lose weight if I ate like that now. It seems like as time went by it mattered more *what* I eat as well as the quantities. I am eating a lot healthier now, with AIP breakfasts and dinners. Here's what I ate a couple days ago:
Breakfast: decaf tea with 2 Tbsp coconut milk and 2 tsp honey, 2 slices pastured bacon, 1/4 of an avocado, 1 Clementine.
Lunch: 1 c ham and bean soup, 1 serving Nut Thins crackers, 2 Tbsp hummus, 1/2 c cooked kale
Dinner: 4 oz baked wild salmon, 1 c roasted butternut squash, 1 c Romaine lettuce with 1 Tbsp light Balsamic dressing.
Snacks: 1 c strawberries, 2 chocolate covered macadamia nuts, 1 Medifast hot cocoa, 1 serving Simply Cheetos.
1504 calories, 146 g carbs, 62 g fat, 43 g protein, 34 g fiber
I know that over the last few weeks my calories had to be higher than this, because I was eating more processed foods and grains each day. I would guess I was eating up to 1800 calories a day with very little exercise.
Anyway I just thought it was interesting that I felt so much better back then even though I was eating a lot of "junk." Makes me wonder how much of how I feel is nutrition vs exercise vs mindset.
I am, as I said, feeling more interested and motivated to lose weight... to at least get 20 pounds off because I did feel a lot better at 215-220 than I do now. I've biked 12 minutes twice this week and will gradually increase the time as my body tolerates it.