Saturday, November 15, 2014

Back to the Hellish Nightmare

I woke up this morning and somehow, the reality hit me right in the face. As I sat on the edge of my bed, about to get up, I looked across the room at the mirrored closet doors... the ones I used to take my "progress pictures" in... and saw someone I have not seen in years. I don't know why it is but when I lost the weight and weighed 175 pounds I would look in the mirror and see myself as still severely obese... well over 200. Then over time as I regained the weight I stopped seeing that and started seeing myself as 190 or so in the mirror. It's like my brain has some kind of time delay of MONTHS before I see myself at the weight I really am. And for the past few months I've seen myself at, oh, maybe 210, 215 which is what I weighed for most of 2012 and 2013. But I don't weigh 210, or 215. I weigh more than that. And this morning for some reason I got a glimpse of what I *really* look like, and I was shocked. And sad. And now I am upset. And it sounds so ridiculous since I *just* posted about this being a year of healing for me. And how much better my eating has been this month. And how I started swimming and walking again for exercise.

And all of that is true... it *has* been a healing year for me in a lot of ways, but I think I have been in some kind of denial about my weight. I have tried to focus on health. I have worked on the emotional components. I got an ED counselor, I have a good support group, I am addressing the physical and mental aspects. But the weight... oh my gosh, the weight, this morning it was so glaringly obvious it is out of control. How can I look like that... again? After all the work I did to lose it, how? How.

I freaking weigh 240 pounds.

The advice, the counsel from the ED specialist to "stay off the scale for awhile" and "try to eat things you like in moderation," to normalize food... to go ahead and have the gluten free cookies in small amounts, to feel okay about eating what I like... I am going to need to talk to her about this. I am not blaming her, I am blaming me. I've stayed off the scale... but this morning after seeing what I saw in the mirror I HAD to get on the scale, because how I look was not registering in my brain. And when I saw 240 my jaw just dropped. That is totally Hellish Nightmare weight. That is 5 pounds away from being morbidly obese. My BMI is one point away from Morbid Obesity. I cannot believe it.

I keep thinking I don't know how this is happening. I don't want it to be true. I saw the slow creep: 226 pounds on September 1, then 229 on the 5th when I got sick, then 232 pounds on October 16th... the last time I got on the scale. That was a month ago and now I am 8 pounds higher and at this rate... oh my gosh, I can't even deal with it.

I should have taken a hint when I got out my winter coat this month and it didn't fit. I've been wearing it anyway with my arms stuffed like sausages into the sleeves so tightly that they can hardly bend, and the front hanging open because it is too small to close around the front of me. I should have gotten a clue when I dug out the long jeans I wore last winter and they are so tight I have to unsnap them and wear a sweater over them so people can't see they aren't buttoned. I should have known... I must have known but let myself be in denial because it just couldn't be. Morbid obesity. Technically 5 pounds away, but in reality it's no different now, and I may as well be there.

I did notice it hurts to walk. I did notice it takes such an effort to heave myself up out of bed or from a chair, and that everything takes longer and I am worn out faster. I did notice that there are fat rolls where there weren't before, and that my ankles look terribly swollen, and that I am sweating and breathing hard 5 minutes into raking leaves or mopping the floor. I did notice that instead of bounding up the stairs with a 30-pound bag of dog food like I used to do, it almost killed me heaving that thing up half a flight, and my knees almost buckled under the weight. Carrying that bag reminded me of how I felt when I started this blog... 278 pounds. It felt the same, except back then, I wasn't carrying any dog food.

Look, it is hard for me to post this. It is tough to admit this. And frankly I don't have an answer or a solution and I am terrified that I will just keep gaining. I have to believe there are many, so many others out there like me who KNOW about all the different diets, lifestyle changes, things people do to lose weight but for some reason can't seem to make it stick. I think it is all the more painful for those who, like me, DID lose 100+ pounds, DID get that taste of freedom and feeling of success and the wonder of a life unfettered by morbid obesity... but then slid back to the hellish nightmare. Like I have. If there was an answer to fix this for everyone we'd all stay thin. I am super happy for the people who've lost and kept it off. I really am. I also have utmost compassion for those who have never been able to lose and get to a healthy BMI... who've never even gotten a taste of that freedom. Believe me, and read it on my blog too... when I was down 100 pounds I never, NEVER thought I could regain it. NEVER. There was NO WAY I would let that happen. But it happened, and now I have to deal with this.

I can only do what I know, and that's eat more produce, eat less junk, go back to daily weighing, go back to seeing gluten-free cookies as a NOT-okay food for me to eat. Because all I can figure is the processed junk is the culprit in the gain. I felt great and was losing weight on AIP, and the only thing different now is adding in moderate amounts of processed stuff, dairy, and gluten free grains. So I am taking them back out and see how this week goes before changing anything else. Keep swimming, keep walking, keep trying. And keep praying things turn back around because I don't want to be miserable and morbidly obese.


Margaret said...

Wow, what a raw emotional post. One I will bookmark and read again and again. In May I became ill and had many test run only to find out I had an enlarged heart, high blood pressure and I was pre diabetic. On June 13th, I started walking and watching what I ate. My starting weight was 264 and today 5 months late I weigh in at 219. Still have a long way to go but I will keep working. You keep working, you did it before and you will do it again. There are so many people in your same situation and we all support you!!

Cyndi and Stumpy said...

I know that exact same feeling. And it sucks.

I wish I know why I let this happen over and over and over, again.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what kind of comments you'll get from this post, bu I'm right there with you.

For what it's worth, I've had a bit of a reality check myself this month. I weight EXACTLY the same as I did in January (217) of this year. I've bounced between 213 and 219 all year, as a matter of fact, so how much could have changed about my size? Well. It seems a lot.

I've noticed throughout the summer that my t-shirts seemed a bit snug around my middle. And ones that had been big in the weren't. But, and this is sadly funny, my clothes dryer has been malfunctioning, overheating the clothes, so I thought maybe the ts had shrunk...

But, the winter clothes I pulled out in the last two weeks are TIGHT around the middle and in the arms, too Seriously? I weigh the same!

While on vacation this past week, I stood before a large hip-to-head mirror in my underwear as I fixed my hair.

As I had raised my arms above my head,I saw the giant bulge that begins just under the bottom of my bra and goes to my hip bone. It was hideous. I look deformed. Really, I do. It was shocking.

I didn't look like that 50 pounds ago. In fact, one of the t-shirts that became a bit snug this summer, was one I wore 50 pounds ago and it was a bit roomy. :o

Clearly, although my weight has changed, all of the poor eating choices and lack of exercise this summer has provided increased fat and decreased muscle.

I got home from vacation last night--and I came home determined to get back on track.

All of this telling of my story is to let you know that you are not alone. Denial has been alive and well for us both. I knew, of course, that my eating was horrible--I just thought I had gotten away with it. sigh.

Well, we didn't.

But we both know what we need to do. Your recent success with the AIP tells you that you can lose weight at a steady pace...if you stick with it. And, of course, once you get clean, you know that you'll be able to add some things back...until you can't.

So, on we go. With reality shining in our wide-eyes.

As far as the ED counseling goes. It is standard practice to not deal with weight loss while trying to curtail binge eating. That does not mean, however, that one should be encouraged to eat in a damaging way. Just sayin'.

Hugs, Lyn.


Please excuse typos, I just don't can't make myself reread this to proof it.

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn. *hug*

I gained some weight this year too. I didn't join a CSA, and that makes so much difference in my weight. You are still 38 pounds under what you were. What I would like you to start doing again, if you can, is take pictures of yourself. I noticed when I was looking at myself on the skype screen. What I did when I noticed was I made a promise to myself to just walk. I try to walk every day I can. I am ordering a yoga ball chair to use at the computer. Please don't make any food off-limits to yourself, because that will just continue the binge behavior. That being said, maybe just limit the cookies to one or two, and then the rest go in the freezer. You will be able to fight this, but maybe, after you get down to 200 again, try to maintain for three months. The holidays are not a good time to try to lose weight. They are a good time to practice balance, though. At a party, two "better" choices, one "bad" one. You are not back to the beginning! not, not, not. The maintenance will also allow your brain to catch up to your body.
Maybe you can find some recipes for soups and warming things for winter, things that will fill you up.... Consider a different strategy this time around, and think gradual. *hugs* you will get there. Just pick ONE or TWO small things to change.

BeckyAnne said...

I've been seeing a cognitive-behavioral therapist for two years to address my binge eating. His advice is much the same as your ED counselor's advice and he keeps reminding me, "It's not about the weight or the food--it's about the feelings." I'm also enclosing a quote from an article on MedScape News and Perspectives entitled "Why is it so hard to lose weight?"

"Obesity is a difficult disease to manage. Part of the problem is ineffective choices and personal difficulty in modifying eating patterns. Much of the problem is caused by a series of dysfunctional signals from an extraordinarily complex neurochemical system that controls eating behavior in a complicated world that favors food consumption.

Obesity is not caused simply by the indifference or the willful misconduct of the patient. The traditional mandate to "eat less and exercise more" is the nutritional equivalent of telling a depressed patient "just pull yourself together" or an asthmatic patient "just breathe easy."

rmslil said...

I feel like I wrote part of this post. I was exercising regularly and feeling good before 2 traumas in my life, one of which was losing my father in August. It hit me this past week and I have been emotional eating....the pants are tight, I feel yucky, I am winded on a flight of steps. This morning he spoke to me through what I have to say was a dream but he spoke right in my ear that he was so proud of me. I woke up just balling but I wasn't really asleep either. My epiphany from this is he is ok and I need to get back on track and continue making him proud. Hang in there!

timothy said...

there is nothing I can say, I wanna "fix" it for ya but alas I cant. I can be here I can lend a shoulder or ear and keep you in my prayers...........BIG hugs darlin!

Karen said...

Is the counselor connected with the AIP doc? Typically those experienced with AIP would not recommend gluten free cookies. (it's well known that many things cross react, plus those on the AIP are in pain- like you and need specific wellness plans)

The AIP becomes the new normal, leaving the processed foods behind. Something just isn't matching up here....

Also, your ED counselor mentioned that you were 80% band-aiding it and soothing with food. Does that hit you as being accurate? How do you feel about that? It matches with your awareness in the mirror.

I did not choose moderation strategies for recovery, rather I abstain and found abstainer support groups. A small amount of sugar/grains are like a small drink to an alcoholic as far as I can tell. Same pattern. Right back into the disease I go. Not my fault, but my responsibility to speak up about what path I need to walk. What support I seek, how I want to be treated. Pamela Peek, MD and Vera Tarman,MD. Read those books (Dr. Tarman's will be out soon).

The answers are inside you. Have you considered seeing a board certified obesity doc?

Other resources: Dr. Sharma in Canada. Excellent speech that he gave about the complexities of obesity. Long video, but worth it- IMO.

What is your plan? Have you told your docs about the blog, not being able to stop eating gluten? There will be someone to help. Just a matter things coming together.

The docs may suggest time off the blog so that you may focus in one place and on getting well in your own time a space. Onward. Karen P.

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for years and dont generally comment, but your experiences parallel mine so closely.

I have hashimotos as well and have been gluten free for about 1 year and a half. I can tell you when I first went gluten free I gained weight. Even though gluten isnt good for me, gluten free alternatives (even homemade) too easily spike my blood sugar and then insulin levels more-so then their gluten filled counterparts. I believe the insulin flooding my system to lower the spikes in blood sugar are at the root of my troubles (and the hashi's doesnt helping)

Stay with the gluten free-it truly has made a difference with my thyroid heath. But the thyroid is just 1 piece of the puzzle. One reason you may have lost weight on AIP is along with lowering inflammation, you werent spiking blood sugar either. I would love to say I have all the answers, I dont. Just know you are not alone, and there are many of us out there,that for whatever reason, seem to have a broken endocrine system and are doing the best they can.

Stay the course

LHA said...

Your epiphany, painful though it has been, is going to serve a good purpose. It woke you up to what the real life situation is and is moving you to take action. It is a very good moment for you!

My idea would be to focus on the good things you have going and then start to address the other issues. Those good things include the fact that you are maintaining a 38 pound weight loss, that you have proper thyroid medication, that you know a lot of things that do work for you and some that don't, and that you are exercising regularly. You have identified some of the bad things that need attention, such as gluten free cookies and other processed foods. You had a good experience on the AIP regimen, so perhaps try to stick to it strictly again....? Only you can know if this is the right road.

Your post was excellent and heart felt. Most of us have been there too! The one great thing about weight loss is that you can start over and use the lessons learned along the way. Good luck to you! I think it is just awesome that you are not giving up!

that TOPS lady said...

I think this was your most well written post ever--- your transparency makes it so. Girl...I know how you feel and I wish I didn't. To regain SUCKS rotten eggs. But we can do this. Every day a little better. Chin up, buttercup. I KNOW you can get back to where you were. I can too. Let's do this.

JM said...

Ugh! I get this too. Truth is, if it was a diet of ANY TYPE it would work, but the food is not the problem. I think of Oprah. With all her resources. It is still something she struggles with. I think its hard to imagine that it will never be over. I d like to think that once i handle this.. then, fill in the blank. but that is simply not reality. The truth is that there is a bigger issue with many sides to deal with and it takes time. The weight loss is a side effect. In the meantime, we must eat carefully to avoid triggers and change our thinking and our habits. It requires ALOT of support and help and time. Not everyone is this way, which is why not everyone understands. But getting out of denial is awesome. Could have been in 50 pounds from now, so YAY you! and line up the support and keep on moving.

Salena said...

Long time reader here (never before commenter)....
As someone who has gained and lost and gained and lost the same 90+ pounds over and over I cannot tell you how deeply I understand this post. Nobody understands how incredibly much the mental aspect plays into weight loss until they've attempted to lose a large amount of weight. Sure it would be nice for all of us over- eaters to nail down every single trigger or past experience that makes us unable to maintain a healthy weight. But at the end of the day it's the raw determination that no matter how I feel, no matter what is going on I WILL do this. To determine that no matter WHAT the previous chapters read-THIS IS NOT HOW MY STORY WILL END. The hardest part isn't determining to do it. It's the continuing. The hour by hour sometimes minute by minute struggle praying that one day it will get easier. And some days it feels easier. And we become complacent and if we are not careful....the cycle begins again. Just know that I truly believe in you. I KNOW that you have the strength within you to see this through. Don't give up. This is NOT how your story ends.

CatherineMarie said...

My other thought, How about starting to take progress pics of yourself again? What were some positive things that worked for you? Rewards? making salsas?

You have also made a huge amount of progress. You are no longer in binge-eating mode. yes, maybe a few too many gluten-free cookies, but you are not eating an entire box of gluten-free cookies at one sitting. You are not going out and buying tons of junk.....

You are eating relatively healthfully.

Anonymous said...

I have no advice, no tricks or suggestions. I only have what my own experience is. As we hit menopause, our bodies use less calories, bottom line. I eat most of my calories once a day and plan the day accordingly, so I share meals with my family, whether dinner or Sunday brunch. The rest of the day I find that if I restrict, my hunger is less. A tall skim latté with no sweetener is a great way for me to lessen hunger. A small vanilla yogurt with berries works well also. My large meals are veggies, of course...with an egg skillet of morning, or meat and potatoes if dinner. Very rarely bread, or pasta, as they pack the pounds on me. And I do have to trick my mind into a treat in the evenings. One or two small ice cream cones with a bit of ice cream in them make me feel like I am loving myself, indulging myself. Cause the bottom line is that food is a part of our lives and a loving indulgence calms me down in the evenings. Those little ice cream cone cups are like little child size cups at McDonalds, and if you measure what they hold, its much much less than the whole bowl I used to eat. And yet I am still happy about it. I have no trouble losing when I need to, and I know I use some tricks, but we all need our plan and way to get through the days and weeks when we can eat so much less than others we live with. For some reason, the small cones don't bother my body like cake and cookies and pie and such do. I hope you can find some tricks, cause just going for moderation in all and eating "fake" food that mimics what we used to like isn't going to do it. I know you have talked about being shaky when you don't eat throughout the day. We all are when our bodies take in less than they are used to, it's normal. It's like getting over the caffeine headache or whatever when we restrict what our bodies are used to, we need to give our bodies a chance to get with the new program. I know you get a lot of advice and must go your own way, I wish you good thoughts to find a way that offers you a bit of love and indulgence in your day while you can also restrict, it has brought me peace, and again, the bottom line is that restriction with you and I are needed, that won't change.

Cathy Yonek said...

I don't have advice for you, but this is my experience. I lost 40 lbs in 2010-2011, then recently lost 15 more. I am a bit over normal weight, in terms of BMI. There are wonderfully fantastic things about losing weight. Truthfully I feel great every day about how I look and feel (physically). But it also the truth that I am generally unhappy (won't get into detail as it is not relevant), and that is unrelated to weight. I am working on what I perceive as my own unhappiness (which after all is all in my mind), but it is slow going. To not regain weight, I have had to become comfortable with persistent unwelcome feelings. I struggle every day not to numb out (now it is usually too frequent glass of wine). There really is no "arrival," just getting up every day and trying to stay in the moment.

Susan R said...

Lyn, I just wanted to say that I give you all the credit in the world for your honesty. I am sure it is easy to blog when everything is going well but I doubt many would be able to post during "a hellish nightmare".
I agree 100% with Salena-this is not how your story ends!

Anonymous said...

psych meds

worked for me
diabetes ..high BP..autoimmune disease - all gone
at very low normal weight for 3 years
gastric sleeve

Anonymous said...

I don't think you should be too upset over seeing 240 Lyn. It was a bit higher a few months ago and came down, so it probably will again. Could some of the gain be from sodium?

Would you ever consider going back on Medifast? I don't know if you could somehow make it AIP compliant but it worked so well for you before.

We are coming up to the time of year where everyone struggles not to gain weight so you are not alone! If you continue to feel very upset, maybe contact your counselor and see if she can squeeze you in.

Lyn said...

Thank you...

I am doing what I can to bring it back together today. Thawed some bone broth, made a huge pot of kale and froze half, then simmered the rest with onions for lunch. Will be making baked wild salmon with roasted butternut squash, Brussels sprouts, and salad for dinner. Getting on the bike now. I haven't biked in awhile. Hope to do ten or fifteen minutes.

Anonymous said...

Are you going to get weight loss surgery?

Lyn said...



Betsey C. said...

Lyn, you got some great comments to this heartfelt post of yours. Very inspiring. Hang in there, girlfriend. And I will too.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, Thank you for your honesty. I know how hard that was to publish your private feelings and experience.

Bottom line, for me the lose-regain pattern boils down to calories and exercise. If I control my calories and exercise consistently, I maintain or even lose weight. A big factor is consistent exercise and most of us slack off due to being busy, not feeling like it, injuries, etc. Then we regain what we fought so hard to lose. I've slacked off on exercise the past month or two to get some projects done around the house, and I've gained 8 pounds. My calories have been about the same, but I did not do much exercise, so that probably explains it. The biggest culprit for me when I regain is not exercising consistently. The consistency is the key. I bet if you start exercising consistently again, you will start seeing progress again. I'm going to start back at the gym this week at least twice a week. I do water aerobics once or twice a week and the weight machines once a week, which isn't much but is all I can do at this time due to arthritis and soreness. When I do the water aerobics twice a week, I lose weight, usually a couple pounds a month. At age 64, that's pretty good, especially with my low thyroid disease.

Hang in there and get exercising again. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised after just a few short weeks of consistency.

Big hugs,

Nan in Phoenix

Lynne said...

Have you thought about trying something new? Like WW? Maybe the weekly meeting/accountability would be a good way to kick start a loss and get you back in the groove. Seems like you are going in a circle and you need to do something radical and out of your comfort zone to really make a change. What would it hurt?

Connie C. said...

Hang in there Lyn. Now that you know where you are, it should be easier to see where to go from there.

I'm in your corner.

Anonymous said...

Gosh, when I read this post, the word that leapt to my mind was "self-loathing."

So many of us who are overweight/obese have felt this. Sometimes very intensely, like you were.

Culturally, we overweight/obese are kind of programmed to feel self-loathing - disguised as fat-loathing. It's such a powerful cultural message, you often hear self-loathing as the beginning of a lot of weight loss "success stories."

But, I think if you don't fix the self-loathing, even if you "fix" the weight, the self-loathing will still be there. It will just find another outlet, another raison d'etre. If we don't love our fat selves, we'll find we can't love our thin(ner) selves, either. Not saying at all that this is easy... just necessary. There'll always be something "wrong" with us, something we can easily find repulsive, find to be a hellish nightmare.

In truth? 240 isn't a hellish nightmare. It just feels like one, right now (I bet it felt great at one point, though, right?). Whatever the reason "why" for that bad feeling is, is the key to a lot. It's not the weight itself. That's what I think, anyway.

I hope it's clear that this comment is meant, and sent, with nothing but positive, supportive intentions. I hope you are feeling better.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn:
Just want to say how much I feel your pain and frustration and that I believe you're going to pull all the pieces together to get over your eating issues.

I have a saying, "all diets work, but no diets work, because it's all in your head." And I just know something in your head is about to go "click."

One thing I've noticed over the years is that you keep changing things up but the only time you've been successful is when you are consistent whether calorie counting, medifast, AIP, whatever.

All the best,

Gina Comer said...

Love, hugs, and total understanding. Blessings

Taryl said...

Soft hugs, Lyn. I agree with a previous commenter - this isn't how your story will end. You cannot fail if you don't quit, you know? It's all just part of the journey. You're in a low spot and have been for awhile.

Me too,

But we aren't dead, and we aren't quitters. Do your very best with each choice and adjust as needed. You'll be okay and I'm cheering for you!

erin said...

Oh Lyn, I was so sad reading this post. I have been following your blog for years and rooting for you, and I still am. I have to believe, like the other commenter, that your story will not end this way. You are a fighter, through and through.

I also relate SO much to what you wrote. I lost 90 pounds a few years ago, then regained half during a pregnancy and fought hard to lose it again. I finally did lose it, and then I got diagnosed with my own autoimmune disorder (ulcerative colitis). My weight plummeted, then came back up because of steroids and dietary adjustments, and then even when those factors were dealt with, the weight continued to creep up. I have been on a steady increase since last summer, and I see no end in sight. I was training for a half marathon that is taking place on December 6 and finally felt like I was in a better place, and then a hip injury led to me having to stop running. I feel like my body is against me, you know?

Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that there are people (even random strangers like me) who believe in you.

Amy said...

Trust your intuition, you know yourself and how certain foods make your body/joints feel. God knows you've done the research. Women's intuition is always right.

Janet said...

Dearest Lyn -

You are not alone.Please know that! I have lost 100 pounds four times in my life - this time, I am down 112 pounds, further than I've ever come in the past - which now makes the fifth time I've lost 100 pounds. I did it without surgery, just plenty of crazy plans (CLEAN/Master-Cleanse/Cambridge shakes/500 calories of frozen food per day...) that in the end, I could not maintain. I'm terribly sorry to say there are no easy answers but delighted to tell you that there is one - One answer that seems to be making a difference for me... The answer to weight loss and long-term maintenance is to make the correct choices every day. That's it! Make the correct choice every day/make the correct choice every meal. And, when you do not make the correct choice, make sure your NEXT choice is the correct choice!

Also key to this program is the individual/group therapy sessions I attend each week. During the inter-personal group, where we discuss feelings/what's working/what's not, we are reminded that being overweight is usually a sign that we are "poor emotional managers." The doctor that runs the group tells us that behaviorists know that it takes only THREE SECONDS from the time a person is triggered to make a bad decision - whether it be food, drugs, sex... whatever. Therefore, the key is to CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF - Take a moment to count to ten and ask, "how do I feel and what do I need right now?" Then, take care of your needs in another way BESIDES food. Take a quick walk, take a bath, brush your teeth, meditate, call a friend or family member who is supportive, journal, tear pages out of the phone book... Whatever it takes to relieve the triggered emotion is what we must do. Remember, NOTHING we do to cope has calories EXCEPT food/drink - So let those other activities become the way you cope. Easier said than done... I know this all too well - but it's the insight I needed to lose 112 pounds since April 15th (2014) and I believe it's the insight that will keep the scale going down (I have 33 pounds to reach my goal) and keep me there. Another piece of advice I received during the skill-building group I attend each week was to note my clothes size when I reach my goals and THROW AWAY everything else larger than that size. You see, for 29 years I've maintained my own personal Lane Bryant store over four closets. And, each time I started to get bigger, I'd just "shop" my closet for the next size - similarly, whenever I'd lose weight, I'd "shop" my closet for smaller sizes. Well, no more! Upon hearing the woman who gave this advice say that that's the way she's managed to maintain a 99 pound weight loss for FOUR YEARS, I went home and packed up EVERYTHING that was BOTH bigger and smaller than the size I was wearing right that minute. I donated it all! Now I'm shopping GoodWill for whatever fits me in the moment (and re-donate things that get to big) - When I hit goal, I will do exactly what that woman said and note the size and STAY THERE. When my clothes begin to feel too snug, I will adjust my plan and pull back and, if things begin to fit too loose, I'll do whatever it takes to bring myself back into line that way too.

Again, do I have it all figured out? Probably not - But I can tell you that I am closer to reaching my goal today than I have EVER been in nearly 30 years and I have a peace about my plan and confidence in my ability to get there and stay there that I've never had before. I want this same peace and confidence for you and for everyone struggling like we struggle with our weight.

Know this... The weight will come off again - You CAN do this and you WILL do this! The great news is that you are well in touch with what has happened and I believe you have the determination to right this ship.

I'm behind you all the way!


Anonymous said...

Janet's comment is the BEST comment I have ever read on this blog. I have copied it and am going to paste it somewhere I can read it regularly. (Janet, I hope you don't mind.)

I am only a little annoyed and chagrined that, with the exception of the clothes advice, I have given this exact same advice to my own clients including the specific alternative coping techniques listed. I know it and, yet, I somehow don't do it for myself.

Reading it here, just turned on a light that gave me an--how embarrassing--"Oh, right, thaaat's what I should be doing." Sigh. The addicts brain...

Thank you, Janet.