Today has been a day of much thinking and pondering and feeling about what is going on with me and my weight and my health. It was the first slow, calm, relaxing, unbusy day I have had in awhile... rainy and chilly, with no appointments or volunteering or work that had to be done, so I have had time to be quiet and see what is going on with me. Inside.
I am afraid I am failing. I am worried that I will never get my mojo back and focus and even *care* enough to work on the whole diet/exercise thing this fall and winter. I deeply want to hibernate, ignore it all, and just pretend everything is fine and I can deal with it later. But it's not fine, I'm not good with where I'm at, and it's not even primarily a weight issue anymore (although yeah, I have been highly resistant to get on the scale and see what's up with that). When I got my thyroid diagnosis and my recommendation for uterine surgery, all of the "I am too fat" stuff evaporated into thin air and suddenly it was all about my health. I am 45, and I have to get my health back NOW. I have too many symptoms that aren't good... and when I started medication and AIP those symptoms started to improve dramatically. Yes the weight also started to finally drop off. And that is an exciting, good thing... and it's easy to turn that into the "main point" especially when you have a weight loss blog. I know weight and health are linked but I am far more concerned about my health now than I am my weight. The weight, it doesn't bother me as much anymore, in and of itself. I am a lot more comfortable and capable of doing what I want to do at this weight than I was at 280... and the joint pain I used to suffer with is minimal as long as I stay off the sugar and take my joint supplements. So, hey, the clothes fit. I am not self conscious (at the moment, anyway) about my weight. But I see the redness back in my face. I see the skin breakouts and the puffy ankles. I wake up numerous times in the night for no apparent reason. I'm tired, the heartburn is back at night, my blood pressure is up, and my mood is down. All of it, I believe, would be helped by diet and exercise. And I think it's kind of urgent, especially with the thyroid stuff now. Autoimmune disease is nothing to mess with.
I've been so resistant to doing something *solid* to address all of this again, ever since the sinus infection. My heart's just not in it. Why? Depression? Maybe. Wanting to eat a lot of potatoes and rice and cheesy things because they taste good and are warm and filling in the cooler weather? Yeah, that too. But if I keep waiting for some lightning bolt to strike where I have all the energy and desire and focus to treat myself right, I may be waiting a long, long time.
I know the best thing to do is quit dinking around, get on the scale, start writing down what I eat, and get to the gym and swim again. Take some walks. Drink some water. Concrete steps. Not just trying to improve a little this week. Not just cutting back on coffee (as I sip my decaf Americano) but actually requiring more of myself because I need to be healthy. Putting everything off indefinitely is not going to make anything better. So I'll get on the scale in the morning, start writing down what I am eating again, and pray I can stick with it and see the same improvements I saw when I was on AIP before. Wish me luck.
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