Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Today

Today has been a day of much thinking and pondering and feeling about what is going on with me and my weight and my health. It was the first slow, calm, relaxing, unbusy day I have had in awhile... rainy and chilly, with no appointments or volunteering or work that had to be done, so I have had time to be quiet and see what is going on with me. Inside.

I am afraid I am failing. I am worried that I will never get my mojo back and focus and even *care* enough to work on the whole diet/exercise thing this fall and winter. I deeply want to hibernate, ignore it all, and just pretend everything is fine and I can deal with it later. But it's not fine, I'm not good with where I'm at, and it's not even primarily a weight issue anymore (although yeah, I have been highly resistant to get on the scale and see what's up with that). When I got my thyroid diagnosis and my recommendation for uterine surgery, all of the "I am too fat" stuff evaporated into thin air and suddenly it was all about my health. I am 45, and I have to get my health back NOW. I have too many symptoms that aren't good... and when I started medication and AIP those symptoms started to improve dramatically. Yes the weight also started to finally drop off. And that is an exciting, good thing... and it's easy to turn that into the "main point" especially when you have a weight loss blog. I know weight and health are linked but I am far more concerned about my health now than I am my weight. The weight, it doesn't bother me as much anymore, in and of itself. I am a lot more comfortable and capable of doing what I want to do at this weight than I was at 280... and the joint pain I used to suffer with is minimal as long as I stay off the sugar and take my joint supplements. So, hey, the clothes fit. I am not self conscious (at the moment, anyway) about my weight. But I see the redness back in my face. I see the skin breakouts and the puffy ankles. I wake up numerous times in the night for no apparent reason. I'm tired, the heartburn is back at night, my blood pressure is up, and my mood is down. All of it, I believe, would be helped by diet and exercise. And I think it's kind of urgent, especially with the thyroid stuff now. Autoimmune disease is nothing to mess with.

I've been so resistant to doing something *solid* to address all of this again, ever since the sinus infection. My heart's just not in it. Why? Depression? Maybe. Wanting to eat a lot of potatoes and rice and cheesy things because they taste good and are warm and filling in the cooler weather? Yeah, that too. But if I keep waiting for some lightning bolt to strike where I have all the energy and desire and focus to treat myself right, I may be waiting a long, long time.

I know the best thing to do is quit dinking around, get on the scale, start writing down what I eat, and get to the gym and swim again. Take some walks. Drink some water. Concrete steps. Not just trying to improve a little this week. Not just cutting back on coffee (as I sip my decaf Americano) but actually requiring more of myself because I need to be healthy. Putting everything off indefinitely is not going to make anything better. So I'll get on the scale in the morning, start writing down what I am eating again, and pray I can stick with it and see the same improvements I saw when I was on AIP before. Wish me luck.

15 comments:

LHA said...

I do wish you luck! I also wish you stamina, strength, resolve and peace. I hope you find the ability to quiet those negative voices in your head. I wish you the kind of quiet determination that is needed to put things in their proper place. I believe it is there within you....just as it is within all of us....but you just have to reach deep to access and use it. May you be single minded in your efforts to get back on track for improving your health!

Karen said...

This is where a good counselor or binge eating group support (OA, FA, or Facebook private group) can be of help. A safe place to examine feelings, disuss depression , abstain from grains and sugars.

The small group atmosphere usually has recovered , recovering , and newbies entering into the wanting to and knowing they need to change.

Hope you'll give that a shot, when you are willing. The work and outcome will be your own, best thing is that there is less judgement than an open forum and more safe space to do the work. No luck but lots of strength , courage and wisdom to address both health and weight as they now go hand in hand. Onward.

Lyn said...

Thanks LHA, I appreciate it!

Karen,

I do have a counselor but not a local group I can attend. I'd definitely do a small group if one was available. I check periodically. Thanks for the suggestions.

Karen said...

All the groups I mentioned above are online and either free or very low cost.

It will have to be when you are ready. You'll know.

Lyn said...

Yes Karen, it's not about money. I have participated in online OA before and would like to find a local, in-person group as I feel that would be most helpful to me. There is not one I can attend right now but if there is one in the future, I will go try it out.

Ruth Hanna Strong said...

I wish you luck.

And forgiveness.

And the strength to realize that your pause button is a rest button. And resting is necessary.

Be gentle with yourself and trust that your baby-steps are rewarded.

All things happen gradually, and at their appointed hour. ~Ovid

Connie C. said...

I wish you luck. They say that recognizing what you're doing wrong is the first step to changing it, and you're already there.

I wish I could give you some great advice to get you inspired to go out there and change things, but I have the same problem with doing what I know I should do, LOL!

Leslie said...

Hi again Lyn - I really feel your sense of frustration and lack of oomph for all this stuff. I just want to mention that while I hate hate hate the rigidity of 12 step food groups, I've begun to go one night a week to an OA mtg just to listen, and for the support. I hear things to which I relate, and I've given myself permission to just go and not feel that I have to share or do all the suggestions that the nice people say...like weighing and measuring all food even in restaurants. That kind of stuff has caused me throw the baby out with the bathwater about OA in the past. But the 12 steps and accompany program suggestions that started in AA do offer wisdom and a framework for my individual recovery that doesn't have to look like anyone else's.

Certainly my AA program is strong and I use most of the principles and many of the slogans and even the steps (with which I'm very familiar) at times with my food issues. After 23 years sober, I realize that I don't have to drink every drop of koolaid offered by anyone about anything. But that doesn't mean that little tsps of the koolaid can't help me! Hang tight! If you ever want to just really unload anything, my email address is still available on my blog profile.

Lynne said...

How about try WW? You can be accountable there and here and still eat AIP? You need to try something different and out of your comfort zone. You can do it. Don't give up.

And all the apathy sounds like a real depression. Have you tried prozac? Even just for the winter?

Sean Anderson said...

Lyn,
Thinking of you. Understanding you, completely. And I wanted to say that there's hope, Lyn. What you're doing in sharing where you are in this moment is a huge indicator that you're not quiet ready to toss in the towel--and that's a big BIG thing. I applaud your transparency. At my darkest points-- I wouldn't touch my blog with a ten foot pole because I was too afraid of judgement and all of the negatives my brain was telling me I would attract...And as you've discovered---the opposite is true.
When you're ready and willing--and you reach a place of better clarity for the possibilities ahead, I hope you'll follow Karen's lead on the support group idea...It can be something wonderful. Like anything else--we get out of it what we put into it.
I wish you the best, always, Lyn. Take care and be kind to my friend Lyn, okay?

Sandy said...

I am just getting back to my own blog, and have always enjoyed yours immensely. I too am in the same boat- late 40's, weight-related health issues that cost me a job I loved, depression, and most of all- lack of motivation and drifting away from a program I know works. I too am trying to get my "mojo" back, and I know we all do struggle. No one is perfect, we all have our ups and downs. Hang in there, and I will try to do the same! I look forward to reading you again!

NewMe said...

Looking at your list of symptoms (in particular, higher BP and waking up a lot at night) and your age, it might be peri-menopause.

Lyn, I've been reading your blog for a number of years now and I'm always struck by how hard you are on yourself. It seems like you're always seeking the perfect plan and if you veer off course, even slightly, you tend to bash yourself unmercifully.

I sympathize. I really do. I do it to myself way too often in other areas of my life. I'm fairly calm about my weight, but other things: whoowee, I can practically beat myself up to a pulp.

I truly wish you (and myself, for that matter) a lot more inner peace. We are human. We cannot be perfect, much less perfect all the time.

Amy said...

This time of year is tough. It's hard to be happy when it's so gloomy and the chill settles into your joints! If you don't want to go the pharma route, St John's Wart and Cashews are both beneficial in fighting depression. Not sure if those fit into your protocol.
I think it is really tiring having to focus so much on every morsel that goes into my mouth. Sometimes it makes me feel proud of myself to be so in control, but it doesn't fill me up emotionally. That's the tricky part to figure out!

Winner at a Losing Game said...

Hi Lyn,
I have followed your blog for a few years. I have been on a similar path as you and am a few years older. I lost a great deal with Medifast and have gained it back. At 53, I decided I just can't take it anymore of the gain and lose cycle, so am having gastric bypass in January. It has been an entire year of preparation with classes, nutritionist, social workers and testing. The co morbidities outweigh the risk for me. I don't recall any post where you have considered this, and I am not suggesting my path be yours. Just wondering if this was something you have ever considered or would. I am looking forward to shedding this fat once and for all. It seems like many who have food addictions go this route as the surgery itself does not allow for it to continue, at least in the short term. It is possible to regain later but you really have to work at it. Anyway, hope the best for you and your journey!

Lyn said...

Winner~

hi, I remember you! I'm sorry to hear you regained, but it does sound like you are doing what is best for your health and doing it very carefully and thoughtfully. I haven't seriously considered surgery, mainly because I am a real chicken about that kind of thing. I do hope everything goes well for you and hope you'll email me or let me know if you start a new blog. I'd love to hear about your experience. Best wishes!