Friday, October 3, 2014

Sad but with Hope


This week I have begin to feel the sadness creeping it. How appropriate that Seasonal Affective Disorder is also known by its initials... SAD. Always by November I am breaking out the full spectrum lamp and trying to get out in the sunshine more, popping vitamin D3 and upping my dose of L-methylfolate in an attempt to feel better. I lose my energy and motivation and start to feel emotionally low. But this year, it's starting sooner.

It's been a hard year for our family, with medical issues and too much drama, kids wanting to move in and out of the house, and the loss of my best friend in the fall last year. I'm finding it harder to get things done lately, and I have the urge to stay inside and eat potato soup and breadsticks, watch TV and nap.

But even in the sadness, there is hope. I've been trying to put my attention on the *good* things... the blessings in my life. I'm learning to change my perspective on life events, to focus on the joy and the hope. This is something my counselor's been having me do. Some examples:

I am tired of restricting what I eat. I don't want to avoid bread and cake and cheese. This sucks.
turns into
I am so glad I have found a way of eating that helps me feel better and improves my health.

I don't want to go to the gym. I want to sit here and mope, not work out.
turns into
I am so thankful to belong to such a nice gym now with an indoor pool and everything! And isn't it great that my feet are healed and I don't have to sit here and mope. I can go work out!

I don't feel like running kids to appointments and girl scouts and dance classes today.
turns into
I am so blessed to have a family and the freedom to spend as much time with them as I want to.

I am too fat and I have been working on losing weight for way too long.
turns into
I have lost and kept off a really large chunk of weight, and I hope I will keep getting healthier as I apply the things I have learned.

Hope. That's what all of this is about. Without hope there's no reason to keep trying. May as well give up.

If you don't believe it anymore, you won't behave in a way to make it happen... "it" being so many things. "It" could be

losing weight
stopping bingeing
having a close relationship
financial freedom
succeeding at anything you want to do

You have to have hope... to believe it is possible... in order to work towards something. Anything.

I guess at times over the past few years I started to lose hope. I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel with this whole weight loss thing... running but getting nowhere. I wondered what was wrong with me. Hey, to be frank, I still wonder sometimes what's wrong with me. I mean, I lost over 100 pounds. I got to a weight that I would *love* to be right now. And I let that slip. And now I am well over 200 pounds again and sometimes it seems like even though I am finding some answers... the metabolism, the thyroid, the Autoimmune-food connection... maybe I am just stuck. Maybe I'll keep doing the same thing I have done for 2 or 3 years, losing and gaining the same 20 pounds over and over. I guess it could happen.

But I do have hope, and I do believe in myself. Otherwise I wouldn't even try anymore. There have been times when I *wanted* to give up. I looked in the mirror, I looked at my life and said "hey, maybe this is where I am meant to be, and maybe I should just accept this weight and be okay with this. Maybe losing 50 or 60 pounds instead of 100 is enough to stay out of the hellhole." Well, it is. Life at 218 or 228 is not even remotely close to the misery of weighing 278+. Not for me, anyway. I can do a lot of things I couldn't do then. I can fit a lot of places. My health is better. And I have given it some thought and decided... no. I am not ready to give up hope that I can shed more weight, have even *better* health, and even more freedom to live my dreams. So I keep trying. Even on the sad days, I keep trying: to be healthier, to be more thankful, to reframe my negative thoughts, and to mold my life bit by bit into what I dream it to be. I already enjoy so many of the things I used to only dream possible. And I believe if I keep working at it, things will only improve.

I know the sadness will lift. I know it's just a matter of self-care and grieving and reframing. And just by acknowledging all of this, I am starting to feel better already.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lynn, I just love you! You don't give up, you are open, you are strong, you are brave.

Your drive and desire to lose weight is an inspiration to so many. I wonder if you have considered and discussed with your dr's the option of weight loss surgery. It's not the easy way out, not a silver bullet. It is simply one more tool to help you reach your goals and to bring you optimal health.

Karen said...

I know you know that the SAD effects you every single fall/winter.

Do you have any long term plans on relocating to a sunnier year round location. I understand that child care and finances could be issues.

Just curious if you have long term plans for changing up your current choice to live in a cold dark place and to repeat the cycle every year.

I've identified that living in a place that is sunny much of the year will be my top priority for locations. I can choose to move, but I need to respect that my long term binge recovery means I need out door walking most days, vitamin D, etc. Also works for allgeries, career opportunities, etc.

I hope you can prioritize having sun in your long term plans. A health coach, councelor (job or shrink) can assist you. No easy task. Karen P

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

Thank you! No, not considering WLS at this time. Still working on improving my health through AIP and thyroid treatment and hoping that will continue to result in weight loss.

Karen~

Years ago I thought about moving, but it's not an option for me right now. My doctor told me to get outside for 30 minutes every day through the winter, even if it is overcast, so that's my goal for this winter. It'll be a lot easier now that I can get out and walk the dogs or just walk for pleasure.

Anonymous said...

Please don't be sad. You give me hope too. Don't stop writing.

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

Thanks, I won't stop writing. Not now anyway. I am enjoying writing about whatever is on my mind... although perhaps I should do a post on food/diet/weight sometime soon.

Lee said...

I have just found your blog a few days ago. Finally someone who understands the anxiety/panic issue! I was beginning to think I was alone out here. You have given me hope. Please, please continue writing. I know that dark place you are in and pray for your small ray of sunshine to be a big blazing son soon. Thank you so much for your words.

FogDog said...

I actually moved further south to reduce the effects of SAD on me. Fall is my favorite season, but I always worry about winter and how I will feel. Hang in there!
-FogDogWeightLoss.Blogspot.com
PS - Can I get on your blogroll?

Lyn said...

Thanks Lee, I am glad my post helped you!

FogDog~

I put you on my blogroll at http://memorialblogroll.blogspot.com/