This week I have begin to feel the sadness creeping it. How appropriate that Seasonal Affective Disorder is also known by its initials... SAD. Always by November I am breaking out the full spectrum lamp and trying to get out in the sunshine more, popping vitamin D3 and upping my dose of L-methylfolate in an attempt to feel better. I lose my energy and motivation and start to feel emotionally low. But this year, it's starting sooner.
It's been a hard year for our family, with medical issues and too much drama, kids wanting to move in and out of the house, and the loss of my best friend in the fall last year. I'm finding it harder to get things done lately, and I have the urge to stay inside and eat potato soup and breadsticks, watch TV and nap.
But even in the sadness, there is hope. I've been trying to put my attention on the *good* things... the blessings in my life. I'm learning to change my perspective on life events, to focus on the joy and the hope. This is something my counselor's been having me do. Some examples:
I am tired of restricting what I eat. I don't want to avoid bread and cake and cheese. This sucks.
I am so glad I have found a way of eating that helps me feel better and improves my health.
I don't want to go to the gym. I want to sit here and mope, not work out.
I am so thankful to belong to such a nice gym now with an indoor pool and everything! And isn't it great that my feet are healed and I don't have to sit here and mope. I can go work out!
I don't feel like running kids to appointments and girl scouts and dance classes today.
I am so blessed to have a family and the freedom to spend as much time with them as I want to.
I am too fat and I have been working on losing weight for way too long.
I have lost and kept off a really large chunk of weight, and I hope I will keep getting healthier as I apply the things I have learned.
Hope. That's what all of this is about. Without hope there's no reason to keep trying. May as well give up.
If you don't believe it anymore, you won't behave in a way to make it happen... "it" being so many things. "It" could be
having a close relationship
succeeding at anything you want to do
You have to have hope... to believe it is possible... in order to work towards something. Anything.
I guess at times over the past few years I started to lose hope. I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel with this whole weight loss thing... running but getting nowhere. I wondered what was wrong with me. Hey, to be frank, I still wonder sometimes what's wrong with me. I mean, I lost over 100 pounds. I got to a weight that I would *love* to be right now. And I let that slip. And now I am well over 200 pounds again and sometimes it seems like even though I am finding some answers... the metabolism, the thyroid, the Autoimmune-food connection... maybe I am just stuck. Maybe I'll keep doing the same thing I have done for 2 or 3 years, losing and gaining the same 20 pounds over and over. I guess it could happen.
But I do have hope, and I do believe in myself. Otherwise I wouldn't even try anymore. There have been times when I *wanted* to give up. I looked in the mirror, I looked at my life and said "hey, maybe this is where I am meant to be, and maybe I should just accept this weight and be okay with this. Maybe losing 50 or 60 pounds instead of 100 is enough to stay out of the hellhole." Well, it is. Life at 218 or 228 is not even remotely close to the misery of weighing 278+. Not for me, anyway. I can do a lot of things I couldn't do then. I can fit a lot of places. My health is better. And I have given it some thought and decided... no. I am not ready to give up hope that I can shed more weight, have even *better* health, and even more freedom to live my dreams. So I keep trying. Even on the sad days, I keep trying: to be healthier, to be more thankful, to reframe my negative thoughts, and to mold my life bit by bit into what I dream it to be. I already enjoy so many of the things I used to only dream possible. And I believe if I keep working at it, things will only improve.
I know the sadness will lift. I know it's just a matter of self-care and grieving and reframing. And just by acknowledging all of this, I am starting to feel better already.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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