Saturday, September 13, 2014

Feeling Lousy

I cannot believe I am still sick. I think the head cold turned into a sinus infection. Bah, not good. My daughter caught it too. We spent today laying around the living room and taking naps. Zero energy.

So that's two weeks sick, and I am going to the doctor this week if I am not improving. I haven't blogged because what good are a bunch of posts saying "yeah I am still sick, don't feel like blogging"? But I will update what I can and hope for something better next week.

What I weighed on Sept 1: 226
What I weighed a couple days later, still 100% AIP, but sick: 229 
What I weigh now: I dunno, no idea. Scared of the scale.

What I ate the first week being sick:
bacon, ground beef, AIP sausage, fish, chicken thighs
beets, greens, sweet potatoes, other veggies (I stopped writing things down a few days into being ill)
strawberries, blackberries, peaches, other fruits (ditto)
avocado, olive oil, olives, coconut milk
decaf black tea, honey, beef broth
I did make myself a pot of chicken soup from chicken thighs, onions, garlic, celery, and carrots and ate that most days.

Exercise that first week:
Before I was sick I went swimming once (20 min) and walked to school once (1.25 miles). Nothing since then.

What I ate the next week being sick:
I started falling apart. Headaches, fatigue, frustration. Felt too tired to cook, but I did try. Made some roast and cooked some veggies. Thawed some AIP "chili" and had that. But also lost my motivation and ate some white rice. I was at that point still trying to think of the best "non AIP" thing to add if I was going to go off plan... and I knew I was. After 7 solid weeks of 100% AIP, I felt like I was losing it and could not eat one more cup of chicken soup or plate of vegetables. I ate a lot of white rice. I had to go out and run errands and stopped and got a latte, which I have not had coffee, milk, or sweeteners in 2 months so it did not go over so well. I knew what I was doing, but I felt like I had no energy or motivation left to fight it. That turned into a bowl of ice cream, and on another day a sandwich and fries. And a bowl of potato soup.

You have no idea how crappy you can feel until you are not only sick but also go diving headfirst off AIP like that. Holy cow. My daughter looked at me yesterday and asked, "Why is your face so red?" Yep, that redness that I had before came right back. My face broke out and looks just awful. I have congestion and a headache and keep falling asleep in the daytime but waking up in the nighttime. My joints ache. I know part of that is just being sick, but I also know that eating that junk made me feel even worse. I don't need to go into the why's. I think anyone who's ever eaten something because they *wanted it* even though they knew it wasn't good for them gets this. No excuses, but I've got to clean up my eating and get back to AIP. I know I'd feel so much better.

No, nothing I ate tasted that good. In fact, sometimes I would have really just liked a big bowl of steamed butternut squash instead of something off plan. But it seemed like some kind of Mount Everest to cut up and peel and cook a butternut squash when I was so exhausted and sick. When I feel better, I am going to process a bunch of squash and other vegetables and freeze them, so next time all I have to do is get in the freezer and nuke some good food. I had a few things ready in the freezer but not enough. I need to do some batch cooking so I have a freezer FULL of good, healthy things to eat when I am sick or busy. 

Well enough, I am so tired and feel awful. That's my update, my crash and burn after 7 weeks of AIP. Here's hoping for a better week.

21 comments:

Elliene said...

So do you still think making CHOCOLATE the first thing you added back in was a good idea?


Betsey C. said...

Lyn, I am so very sorry that you are so unwell and feeling so low.  Anyone with an eating disorder will relate to this, any one of us who eats compulsively will feel your pain.

In the Big Book of AA Bill Wilson describes one of his many alcoholic relapses and the "indescribable demoralization" that he suffers as a result.

We also suffer demoralization with our eating disorders, and it can be severe.  Really and truly, the only thing to do is to put it behind us, go on and try again.

I hope you are on the road to recovery by the time you read this comment.  I am pulling for you and sending you affection and strength through cyberspace.  We are all in this together!

Lyn said...

Elliene~

I think it was fine, why do you ask? I am pretty sure cocoa did not make me get sick, and I didn't go binging on chocolate or cakes when I went off plan. I am still including cocoa, mainly in the form of Choffy, in my AIP eating.

Betsey~

Thank you so much. I do feel pretty down about all of it... especially since I am still sick and caring for a sick child now too. I ask myself WHY didn't I just stick to AIP through it? But unless one has tried AIP, it is hard to know how restrictive and difficult it can be. So I try to focus on how awesome it is that I stayed 100% for 7 weeks.. and that gives me faith that I can get back to it and continue with the reintroductions.

Anonymous said...

What do you think gave you those symptoms? Can you pin it down to a specific food you ate?

Lyn said...

Anonymous~

Since I added so many things back at once it's impossible to say. If I had to guess, based on how these foods have affected me over the years, I'd guess:

fried foods - face breakout
sugar - joint pain

I think the fatigue and headache is probably just part of the cold and possible sinus infection. The face redness? Well that was part of my adult life always until I went on AIP. Not sure which food is the culprit there.


16 blessings'mom said...

Put the past in the past, don't beat yourself up about it. You can do this! I am praying for you, I have been worried, seeing your post about being sick then not hearing anything for so long. As for adding CHOCOLATE back first thing....never mind. I don't blame you a bit:)

Della

Monique Noel said...

Maybe what Elliene was referring to is the growing body of evidence which suggests that eating certain foods triggers a binge response in people who have struggled with binge eating. I also think your post today is why some people suggested when you ate AIP chocolate cake for dinner that it was a problem to use food for comfort--even AIP approved foods. Food does not fix problems and using it as such is a slippery slope, especially if the person has health problems that are caused/aggravated by specific foods.

Lyn said...

Monique~

I see what you are saying but I disagree that eating cocoa is a binge trigger or a problem for me. I do think using food for comfort can go overboard (like when I used to eat whole pizzas and pans of brownies), but also believe it is okay to enjoy and feel comforted by what you eat and drink in moderation. I am not in the "food is only fuel and should never be enjoyed" camp. My counselor has been working with me to reduce the anxiety and guilt I used to feel when I ate something "off plan" and to see it is okay and normal to derive pleasure from food (when the food is in moderation). She talked about normal, healthy behavior versus unhealthy, obsessive behavior (with things like *how much* food one eats for comfort and *how intense* the drive to eat them is, along with whether or not there is guilt afterwards). Being sick throws a whole new curve into the equation though; there's a reason people want "comfort food" when they're sick. My goal is to make healthier choices but not to feel guilt if a warm bowl of chicken soup helps me feel comforted. Obviously a sandwich was a bad choice for my health, one I'll avoid in the future. But a sandwich and fries is not a binge, it is just a poor meal choice, and it wasn't triggered by AIP cake I ate more than two weeks prior. It was just "I feel awful, I don't want to cook, I am just going to have a sandwich because it's available and ready to eat."

I know I am kind of rambling a bit but wanted to explain what I am thinking. I am not discounting what you said. I think I will bring it up again with the counselor this week.

heidi said...

A few thoughts... (I hope you find them helpful).

#1 Weighing everyday can be a useful tool for acknowledging to yourself how quickly weight is regained and helping yourself get back on track. I weigh every day, on track or not. In the past, when I would fall off track and go 2,3, or 6 weeks without weighing, I would find that I could literally be gaining 3+ lbs a week. If a person has ever been over 40 BMI and then becomes weight reduced, they will gain back weight QUICK. It's helpful FOR ME, to know even when I am really struggling and eating junk every day and unable to find a way to get back on track, to at least not have my head in the sand about what I'm actually doing to myself. It's not fun (I'm up 9 lbs this morning from where I was just 7 days ago, but I got on the dang scale and owned it).

#2 Statistically 95% of us will regain the weight we manage to lose. That means for most of us, failure happens not when we are losing the weight (most of us who have been obese have managed to lose large amounts of weight and have regained it multiple times in the past), but the failure occurs when we are unable to get back on track after stumbling. Losing weight and keeping it off for the rest of your life means falling down 3000 times and getting back up 3001 times. It is HARD to consistently eat less than you would like of the foods you don't prefer every day for the rest of your life. Realistically, you will fail at times to do so. Kids get sick, PMS happens, we have car wrecks, holidays, birthdays, we get bad news, etc, etc. You WILL at times eat off plan. And when you do, you need to have techniques in place that historically have helped you personally get back to your food plan (whatever that is for YOU). I have become a big fan of writing down what I am doing in detail both when I am doing well and well I am not, so I can look at it for things that work for me. It's so easy to get fuzzy on the details in hindsight.

I hope you can find the ambition to get back on track. It is hard. I am white-knuckling it myself today. Hour by hour I am just focusing on making TODAY the day I am back on track.

Lyn said...

heidi~

All so true, thank you for this. You're right, the most important skill is probably being able to get back on plan quickly... not letting it drag out into a bunch of tomorrows. I did start writing down again today, prepped some veggies, etc. I hope you and I both have success... and better (less white knuckling) days ahead!

Monique Noel said...

All of this is just my two cents, but that is what comments are for, right? :)

It's good that your counselor wants you to focus on "normal, healthy" behavior around food...but my own experience has been that when you have an unhealthy relationship with food, you can't act otherwise. For example, a person who has always been at a healthy weight can enjoy a sandwich and fries, not feel guilt, and return to healthy eating immediately. As someone who has struggled with my weight, I can't eat a sandwich and fries because then I want an ice cream sundae, and then I feel guilty about what I ate, yet at the same time I want to keep eating sandwiches and fries the next day, and the next day, and the next...

It's easier for me to just not eat the sandwich and fries in the first place.

Also, although a sandwich and fries doesn't sound like it's on par with eating a whole pizza or an entire pan of brownies, it is still a binge calorie-wise. My family loves to eat at Carrows which is why I pulled their menu as an example: http://www.carrows.com/menu/lunch-dinner-3.php

Every sandwich on that page comes in over 800 calories. Throw in fries and you are around 1,300 calories. That's an entire day's worth of calories. Sad but true.

I agree with Heidi, I hope you pull yourself up quickly and get back on track. Holding a good though for ya!

Lyn said...

Monique~

ha, yes, you just described how I feel in that first paragraph! It's probably a common ED scenario. Agreed, better to not have a sandwich or fries at all. It does change the mindset of eating, unfortunately. My counselor thinks I should practice coming home and eating ONE ice cream bar, enjoying it, and moving on... but I told her I would definitely eat the whole box!! We'll have to discuss it further, plus, if I am going to practice moderate/unemotional eating, it needs to be with a food that is AIP-safe.

Thanks for the comments, very thought provoking!

LHA said...

Lyn, I am sorry you are sick. I also have problem eating properly when I am sick and have a real struggle on my hands. The only thing that is worse for me than being sick is traveling. I wonder if I will ever conquer that problem!

The commenter who mentioned that the real battle in weight loss is getting back on track quickly is SO RIGHT! I think there are very few people who eat 100% on plan the rest of their life.....if any. Drop the guilt, because it just leads to more eating in my experience. I try to let it go and recognize it for what it is...just a slip that won't be too harmful if I just get back on track the next day. We all want to eat right and be healthy, but once you figure out what does work for you the real challenge begins.

You have a really big incentive to go back to the AIP eating because you were feeling so good and also losing weight. I bet that will pull you back into line and hopefully very quickly. The work you did today to examine your eating and your emotions surrounding it is important to do, so bravo. I admire your refusal to quit!

Lyn said...

LHA~

thanks. I am coming to realize that while it's ok for me to feel proud of being 100% AIP for x number of weeks, I have got to accept that I am not going to be 100% (perfect) for my entire life. I have to learn to drop the guilt and be OKAY if I am 95% over time.

I totally want to get back to AIP and feel better! I think tomorrow will be a good day.

Lissa said...

Hi Lyn,

First, I hope you and your daughter kicked that nasty bug! I just got back from travelling with my two sons, both of whom got sick, and I would have eaten a reheated slice of mouse patty if that's what was easiest. Good lord.

You appreciated my last comment, so I hope this one is thoughtful and helpful – or at least not hurtful – as well. I’m really glad you’re discussing these things with your therapist, because my advice is worth every penny you’re paying for it :)

I wrote last time about how your ED really, really reminded me of “Drinking: A Love Story”. Something I noticed with this post: Do you know that you describe food differently than a person without an ED? Namely, the “warm bowl of chicken soup.” I’ve also noticed this with previous posts (I told you, I read them all!) – descriptors like “cold” and “creamy” for iced treats, etc. ED’s not something I’ve struggled with, so I would have written that as “a bowl of chicken soup”; the emotion-laden descriptors don’t occur to me. I’m willing to bet you’d describe a glass of wine as just that – “I had a glass of wine” – while Caroline Knapp would tell us about that cool, crisp, delicious glass of tart-but-sweet Pinot Grigio.

So if we go with that analogy, then we go back to your fundamental question: 1) How do you keep from falling off the food wagon? 2) If or when you fall off, how do you get back on ASAP without minimizing the fall?

And OF COURSE your food lapses are a million times better than they were in the past!!! If an alcoholic breaks down and has a glass of wine, it’s serious and it’s not good – but it’s very noticeably different than if he downed a bottle of Scotch and went on a week-long bender!

Lissa said...

Oh, and I forgot! I found the other day that Super-Target has much better options for frozen vegetables than my local supermarket (and it's a great supermarket, so I was very surprised). Do you have one in your area that you can try? There's a bag of frozen, cubed butternut squash in my freezer right now - no additives - that I plan to try and feed my toddler. (Who is currently kicking my ass in the Fruit and Vegetable Wars.)

Post request - I know that you used to feed your daughter junk (I remember you mentioning McNuggets) and now she eats carrots and hummus and healthy items like that. Could you tell us how you transitioned her? Frustrated mommies want to know!

Lyn said...

Lissa~

absolutely! I *know* I have an emotional attachment to food (a lot less that it used to be, but the tendency is still there). I don't think that will ever go away. You probably remember my old binge blog posts that described the food in SUCH loving detail, and I *felt* that way about the food, too! I cried when I had to give up baking. It took me at least a year to be okay with not baking (well, very rarely, nothing like the old daily cookies/cakes etc). I do see myself as a recovering "foodaholic."

Keeping from falling off plan... well, I don't keep junk in the house, avoid thinking about/looking at off plan stuff, just focus on stuff that is not food. I do not think I will go my whole life without ever eating something off plan, so the getting right back on is an essential skill I am developing. Like right now... I am 100% AIP again. I got there by prepping the correct foods and then just making myself do it. I hope that is enough.

As for my daughter, yes that was an adventure getting her off fast food! Here's a little summary of how it went. Nothing dramatic, just gradual change: http://www.escapefromobesity.net/2011/01/change-is-possible.html

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I can tell from your replies that you are a kind person and know that the negative comments aren't really about you but are a projection of how some people see themselves. You are smart and thoughtful to not make those comments about youThank you for you honest posts!

Michelle Himes said...

Sorry to hear that you are still sick. I know how that feels, a cold/sinus infection for me lasts forever. By the way, my supermarket sells butternut squash already cut up. Great for lazy people like me who love butternut squash soup but sometimes balk at the cutting and peeling part.

Lissa said...

Thanks, Lyn! But I'd welcome even more details, if you have them -

1) Did you go cold turkey with your daughter, i.e. one day she has junk and the next it's healthy? Or ease her into it?

2) What fruits and veggies did you try first? Which did she like?

3) Are there any healthy (especially veggie) recipes that you think are particularly kid-friendly?

Lyn said...

Lissa~

the fast food was cold turkey, with a few tantrums before she accepted the new rule. I did talk to her on her level about foods that are healthy or not, what they do for our bodies, how some foods are "sometimes" foods and some are just not going to be on our menu.

My daughter had problems swallowing some textures, like raw fruits and vegetables, at that age because of damage to her throat from being on a ventilator, which made her gag and vomit if she swallowed certain things. So we went with cooked, pureed, and soft produce. We'd do mashed sweet potatoes, mashed bananas, avocado puree, cooked carrots, or any veggie pureed into a sauce (tomato sauce etc). If your child can eat raw things I have found (with my other kids) that sweet things always get eaten first... so lots of fruits, carrots, winter squash with cinnamon, that kind of thing. But now that they are older they really love the flavor of roasted vegetables. Roasted broccoli is fantastic! Just try to have 2 veggies and a fruit as side dishes at each meal and let your child try them and pick what they enjoy. Hope that helps.