Friday, July 25, 2014

Confession

I have a confession to make.

Today I went to a fair. You know how fairs are, right? You remember how I used to eat, with the fried stuff and corn dogs and ice cream and Coke and elephant ears? If you don't remember, here's a post: Fairtime Again. I linked to my old 2007 and 2008 fair-eating posts in that post... and reading them all makes me incredibly sad. Sad that I am here again, sad that I was in such a bad state at one point, sad that I got better and worked through it and succeeded in changing myself so much... but mostly sad that I am fat again, and creeping towards that "got to eat it all" mindset again. But I digress.

I went to a fair today, not the local one that happens in August, but a smaller one that had many food booths. It was full of people eating ice cream in waffle cones, of the smell of french fries and onion rings and hot dogs, of people drinking sodas. I smelled that food, I wanted that food. I wanted that food so bad it is scary. I did not eat any of that food. Instead, I sent my daughter to buy some bottled water for us, and we had our lunch at home. But I sat on the grass with my water and I watched a slim mom walking by with her husband and kids, all of them with sodas in their hands, and I got jealous. I did not feel happy and proud of myself for being "off soda" for a long time now, or for having a daughter who doesn't LIKE soda and given a choice of beverage CHOSE a bottle of water today. No. I was jealous of all those people walking past or sitting on benches with hot dogs and cheese steak sandwiches, with fries and ice cream. A lot of them were slim and some were obese but they all looked like they were so enjoying their food and for a minute I was just mad that I couldn't be like that anymore. That I gave that up to be healthier... to be thinner. And even madder that I gave those things up and I am FAT and UNHEALTHY.

I started counting days in my head to when I will be done with AIP and whether it will be before the local fair. I imagined going to the fair and eating just the way I described in those blog posts I wrote above. I imagined sitting alone under a food tent shoving fried stuff in my face, all dipped in Ranch, my only worry being whether I would have room on my stomach for a funnel cake and an ice cream cone later. I imagined it, and wanted it, and part of the reason why was because I am not even remotely thin anymore. I am fat again. And I did not get fat this time on Twinkies and pizza rolls and bowls of cookie dough and pans of brownies. No. I got fat again on SO MUCH LESS food, and so much less junk. I got fat again eating a third of the calories I gained weight on the first time. I must have had a steam engine metabolism back then, regularly eating 3500-5000 calories a day and staying around 270-280. Now? My stomach cannot hold nearly the volume of food as it did back then, and as my metabolic testing says, I have to stay around 1500 to maintain!

And all of this upset me... even though my logical mind knows there are far more serious and important things to be upset about than not getting to have an onion ring right now...I still had those emotions and still felt angry. And the main reason I did not just go buy myself an ice cream cone and some fries? Because I'd already told the kids I have to do AIP. I told them how important it is for my health. I explained why I would not be taking them out to eat, and I posted a list of allowed and prohibited foods on our fridge. They have been incredibly supportive. I just could not, COULD NOT break down and eat an ice cream cone in front of them. Can you imagine their faces? Their shock? Them telling me please not to eat those things? Oh, I could imagine it. So I had my bottle of water and plotted to have all those foods again, somehow, someday. Because I am fat again anyway, and may as well enjoy it.

I came home and was craving all those things terribly. I ate some olives, and I mashed some plantains and cooked them in coconut oil with cinnamon. Later, I froze some coconut milk and blended it with canned pumpkin, cinnamon, and a tablespoon of maple syrup and had myself a scoop of AIP-friendly "ice cream."

Was it wrong, somehow, to recreate those foods I wanted in an elementary way? To pretend just a bit that I was eating an elephant ear and some ice cream (if you tried these AIP foods you'd realize what a stretch this is and how much imagination one needs to pretend such a thing) or to feel better because I 'indulged' (without going off AIP)? I don't think it's wrong, but maybe it is self sabotaging in a way, I'm not sure. Is it being inventive, or giving in to cravings?

I know I can't indulge fully like I used to at the fair. I physically can't eat that much, I don't really want to eat that much, and eating gluten or diving headfirst into all the restricted AIP foods at once would negate this whole elimination diet process. I have to add things back in, one at a time. Slowly. Although, you know, on days like today I just want to say 'screw it' and eat whatever I want. Since I am fat anyways.

I have been losing a pound a week on AIP, but weight loss was not the primary goal here. The goal is to stay OFF the foods that I may be sensitive to for a long enough period of time for my body to feel better, and then add them in slowly to find out which foods 'bother' me. I have done that so far. I hope I will be continue to be able to do that. Some days I just feel like slipping back into the food coma I used to live in. But today, I didn't slip.

Tonight I will sleep well, and tomorrow will be a good day.

13 comments:

LHA said...

I don't think the craving for the type of foods you described ever ends for most of us. It is something we will have to live with the rest of our lives. Some days are easier than others. To give in is to give up, and that means no release from the prison of food addiction and poor health. You made a wise choice today, and I don't think the foods you ate at home to kind of simulate the forbidden ones you craved was a bad idea at all. I hope you enjoyed eating them even though they were actually far from what you really wanted. I say celebrate your victory and move on to have that great day you predict for tomorrow.

Steelers6 said...

Wow, well done!
I do have to ask (which of course doesn't obligate you to answer!), but WHY did you go to the fair?!
Maybe you just didn't guess how going & all the food exposure would affect you. ?
I guess there were probably exhibits to see?
Today was another successful day! And woo to the hoo on a pound a week!
Chrissy

Lyn said...

Chrissy~

yep, for the exhibits. More exhibits than at our local fair. And that part was enjoyable! I love just walking around looking at people's handiwork. The kids have always enjoyed that too. I didn't even think about the food aspect until we got there!

Richard J D'Souza said...

I think the problem stems from believing you are depriving yourself. It causes a rebound response. Eat that which fits you as a person, never mind what others a doing.

Lyn said...

Richard~

I am following my doctor's instructions for an elimination diet, so I don't have a lot of choice in the matter right now. True about the rebound effect though, and I know I have to work on viewing this as my choice for my health rather than deprivation.

Lori said...

Oh Lyn,
I have done that myself so many times - seen skinny people eating all sorts of yummy but taboo for me foods. It would make me so angry (and sometimes still does) that life dealt me the hand it did. That I like ice cream or cookies or...and I can't eat them without huge weight gain, knowing all the time that there are far more important things to be angry about like social injustice.

I am proud of you for staying on plan no matter what the reason. You did it. You worked out your 'staying on plan' muscle. Just like all other muscles, it will get stronger with use.

You will be thin again, and healthy too.
Lori

JM said...

Sometimes it helps me to imagine what those foods are doing inside my body. It takes time but u can learn to see them as toxic

timothy said...

darlin, you are only human and it's not fair some people can eat/drink anyway they want and be thin others like us not so much. cest le vie nothing we can do but do our best with what we're given. I'm proud of you for staying strong and finding healthy indulgences is a creative SMART way to stay on plan so bravo for you! I myself just skipped the fair so as to not be tempted!

Mary McNamara said...

Lyn,

I so understand where you are coming from with this. I too was recently diagnosed with Hashimotos - what a b***h being responsible can be! I think it all boils down to acceptance. I am definitely not there yet, but I'm trying to do my best to stay focused on what's best for me and why I'm doing this. It is definitely hard watching others indulge. I have had too many pity parties to count ! Hang in there. - you're not alone.

Mary. <3

CatherineMarie said...

We have a hugely food-oriented culture. That is a given. Guess what? I am back to being fat too. It happens. When you start reintroducing things, the diet will become less strict. As as you start healing, and get more sleep, you'll get more energy.

Hopefully, the next time you go to the fair, maybe you can pick one thing to indulge in, and share it? That will teach your daughter about "sometime" foods. And slow and steady wins the race. a pound a week is great!

JM said...

Might also note a recent revelation for me. My trainer is a 22 year old fitness model, she is about 8 inches taller than me and half my age. Guess what? She counts her calories, her activities and stays on her plan too! She doesnt look that way without effort, and you CAN BET all those "thin Moms" eating x, y and z, dont make it a habit! Very very few people esp over age 40 can do that without consequence. The desire to have consequence free indulgence is a normal one, but truly its a fantasy for all but a minority.

Gwen said...

I totally get it, and it DOES suck. But, as you know, no where is it written that life is fair. You are so doing the right thing. Maybe some day you can eat some of those foods again, or maybe you'll learn when you try, after this de-tox, that they make you so sick feeling that they simply aren't worth it anymore. You are on a journey, and going to learn SO much about your body and what it can handle and not. Relish THAT! :)

Nancy said...

Agree with JM! I was not a "thin mom", but I am now. When I was heavy, I ate that stuff all the time. Now I eat it very, very rarely. It's simply not true that the vast majority of thin people can eat whatever they want, whenever they want.

I think that many thin people don't crave that stuff, and it's not hard for them not to eat it. But I think that many do! I do!