Tell you what. I am super angry today. I am not the kind of angry that is stomping around having a tantrum. I am the kind of quiet angry that bubbles up inside and builds up steam until you think you are going to explode. The kind of angry that has, in the past, sent me for a bag of extra crunchy kettle chips because somehow crunching through a bag of them seems therapeutic. And I am not past that. I am not past wanting to go buy a bag of chips and crunch until I feel better. But I remember the wave of defeat that breaks over you when you have done something like that... after the anger is gone and you are just left with the underlying disappointment, hurt, sadness.
It's been building for awhile. I have been super frustrated over the past 2 years of trying to blog, trying to lose weight, trying various things, restricting, counting, and whether you believe it or not making a huge effort to get this weight off. I have had months of eating 1300-1400 calories and lost nothing. I have done the shakes and bars and eaten 1000 calories a day and lost what... 2 pounds a month? Which comes right back the moment I eat something off plan, even something as small as a sandwich, or an ice cream cone, or whatever.
Yeah, I get that there are countless blogs about weight loss. I get that everyone thinks it is as easy as eat less, move more. I get it but what nobody truly gets is how much effort... mental and physical... I have put into this over the years. Of course I've had bad days. I've had rare days where I said 'screw it' and ate what I wanted. Not binge. Not bake a pan of brownies and eat them. I stopped that a long time ago. I stopped all sodas, regular and diet. I stopped putting anything whatsoever in my coffee at home. Black and decaf, only. I stopped eating fast food and fried stuff and large amounts of anything but vegetables. You can't really *see* the effort on a web page, but I have put so. much. effort into this and I am getting NOWHERE!!!
I lived it. I lived losing 64 pounds by counting calories and biking. I lived losing 59 pounds on Medifast. I KNOW the effort I put into those two periods of time in my life to see massive changes, beneficial changes. And I am living it now, and I know that I am putting forth *more effort* now and over the last 2 years towards weight loss than I did BOTH those times when I succeeded. The effort is harder now but I am putting it in, and this constant stagnation is making me so freaking angry.
This weekend I sat down and wrote out an exercise plan. I made an appointment to get cortisone shots in my feet so I would be able to really stay active with all my summer activities, walking, swimming, hiking on trips, biking, yard work, all of it. I made a schedule for the biking, for adding in some weights, for walking. I've been counting calories, still juicing at the moment, planning to transition some of the juices to whole vegetable meals and keeping my calories low. I ate 1600-1700 calories per day over the weekend, including juices, and the scale went UP two pounds. Just like last year on Primal, and before Medifast when I was stalled out, I gain on anything over 1500. So I decided that since I seem to maintain on 1300-1400 I could keep my calories there if I can work out for an hour a day, and I'd probably lose weight.
Then I get up this morning, take a misstep, and feel a stabbing sharp pain in my right arch. Right about the same place where I had my tendon rupture last fall. And now I am hobbling around and wondering what the doctor is going to say next week. Probably not "have some shots." Maybe "cast it again" and maybe "crutches again." And that makes me so angry that I want to throw all of this out the window and just go eat what I want. Because it is ALL about eating, all of this, it's about restricting, eating things that are not my first preference, avoiding the foods I would rather eat. I admit it. I have never gotten past the desire to eat... not large amounts... but just the choices I want to make. I want a damn sandwich once in awhile, is that so evil? To want a turkey club sandwich instead of a salad or vegetables or a hunk of meat? Ugh... honestly, the way dieting/weight loss/lifestyle change makes people feel like eating xyz is a sin is exhausting. I have tried. I have gone to a different mental state when I was on Medifast where I didn't care about the food or want those foods but it is beyond me how to make that happen in real life, without shakes. Primal never put me in that mindset. I just wanted to eat a bunch of bacon. And I still wanted cupcakes, too.
And now the stupid foot pain again. I feel like an old lady the way I am constantly having pain and injuries and can't even freaking walk like a normal person. It's just gotten so old and frustrating and now I am not going to be outside in the sunshine today walking the dogs and working in the yard, and that makes me so mad. I am mad that I am still fat, that all this energy and effort I have put into this is for nothing, that for some reason I am just NOT losing weight like I used to. I am also getting sick of this blog. I am going to take a hiatus. Today I feel like "I am SO DONE with all of this." I might not always feel this way, but today, I am just angry.