Monday, May 5, 2014

Angry

Tell you what. I am super angry today. I am not the kind of angry that is stomping around having a tantrum. I am the kind of quiet angry that bubbles up inside and builds up steam until you think you are going to explode. The kind of angry that has, in the past, sent me for a bag of extra crunchy kettle chips because somehow crunching through a bag of them seems therapeutic. And I am not past that. I am not past wanting to go buy a bag of chips and crunch until I feel better. But I remember the wave of defeat that breaks over you when you have done something like that... after the anger is gone and you are just left with the underlying disappointment, hurt, sadness.

It's been building for awhile. I have been super frustrated over the past 2 years of trying to blog, trying to lose weight, trying various things, restricting, counting, and whether you believe it or not making a huge effort to get this weight off. I have had months of eating 1300-1400 calories and lost nothing. I have done the shakes and bars and eaten 1000 calories a day and lost what... 2 pounds a month? Which comes right back the moment I eat something off plan, even something as small as a sandwich, or an ice cream cone, or whatever.

Yeah, I get that there are countless blogs about weight loss. I get that everyone thinks it is as easy as eat less, move more. I get it but what nobody truly gets is how much effort... mental and physical... I have put into this over the years. Of course I've had bad days. I've had rare days where I said 'screw it' and ate what I wanted. Not binge. Not bake a pan of brownies and eat them. I stopped that a long time ago. I stopped all sodas, regular and diet. I stopped putting anything whatsoever in my coffee at home. Black and decaf, only. I stopped eating fast food and fried stuff and large amounts of anything but vegetables. You can't really *see* the effort on a web page, but I have put so. much. effort into this and I am getting NOWHERE!!!

I lived it. I lived losing 64 pounds by counting calories and biking. I lived losing 59 pounds on Medifast. I KNOW the effort I put into those two periods of time in my life to see massive changes, beneficial changes. And I am living it now, and I know that I am putting forth *more effort* now and over the last 2 years towards weight loss than I did BOTH those times when I succeeded. The effort is harder now but I am putting it in, and this constant stagnation is making me so freaking angry.

This weekend I sat down and wrote out an exercise plan. I made an appointment to get cortisone shots in my feet so I would be able to really stay active with all my summer activities, walking, swimming, hiking on trips, biking, yard work, all of it. I made a schedule for the biking, for adding in some weights, for walking. I've been counting calories, still juicing at the moment, planning to transition some of the juices to whole vegetable meals and keeping my calories low. I ate 1600-1700 calories per day over the weekend, including juices, and the scale went UP two pounds. Just like last year on Primal, and before Medifast when I was stalled out, I gain on anything over 1500. So I decided that since I seem to maintain on 1300-1400 I could keep my calories there if I can work out for an hour a day, and I'd probably lose weight.

Then I get up this morning, take a misstep, and feel a stabbing sharp pain in my right arch. Right about the same place where I had my tendon rupture last fall. And now I am hobbling around and wondering what the doctor is going to say next week. Probably not "have some shots." Maybe "cast it again" and maybe "crutches again." And that makes me so angry that I want to throw all of this out the window and just go eat what I want. Because it is ALL about eating, all of this, it's about restricting, eating things that are not my first preference, avoiding the foods I would rather eat. I admit it. I have never gotten past the desire to eat... not large amounts... but just the choices I want to make. I want a damn sandwich once in awhile, is that so evil? To want a turkey club sandwich instead of a salad or vegetables or a  hunk of meat? Ugh... honestly, the way dieting/weight loss/lifestyle change makes people feel like eating xyz is a sin is exhausting. I have tried. I have gone to a different mental state when I was on Medifast where I didn't care about the food or want those foods but it is beyond me how to make that happen in real life, without shakes. Primal never put me in that mindset. I just wanted to eat a bunch of bacon. And I still wanted cupcakes, too.

And now the stupid foot pain again. I feel like an old lady the way I am constantly having pain and injuries and can't even freaking walk like a normal person. It's just gotten so old and frustrating and now I am not going to be outside in the sunshine today walking the dogs and working in the yard, and that makes me so mad. I am mad that I am still fat, that all this energy and effort I have put into this is for nothing, that for some reason I am just NOT losing weight like I used to. I am also getting sick of this blog. I am going to take a hiatus. Today I feel like "I am SO DONE with all of this." I might not always feel this way, but today, I am just angry.

56 comments:

Monique Noel said...

Google "Fat Acceptance" "Kate Harding" and/or Health At Every Size (HAES). I actually lost the most weight AFTER reading about these ideas. Beating yourself up is not the answer, neither is binging. Even if you've looked at these ideas before, it sounds like you're at a point in your life where they would really help you out.

Jess Krcmar said...

I feel this way so often. Adults (especially parents) never get to stomp their feet and throw a hissy fit and say "NO FAIR!" even though that's exactly what we want and even deserve to do sometimes. A close friend of mine just lost 16 pounds in 3 weeks doing virtually nothing, while I'm sweating and eating lettuce and dreaming about cupcakes and beer to lose an eighth of a pound. It's not fair...it's not. If you put in the work you should see the results, but sometimes the best intentions lead to zero results. I'm sorry things suck right now. Your time will come, I know it will. Hang in there and big hugs!

MargieAnne said...

Life is not being fair to you.

I know you have rea many books about health / nutrition.

I think you will be better off forgetting about weight loss for a while. Eat for health with high nutrition e.g. The Smarter Science of Slim or Cassie's (http://www.dietitiancassie.com/) or her new site http://healthysimplelife.com/

Cassie's catch cry is Eat real foo That will appeal to you, I am sure.

I am going to suggest that your true battle is not weight but health.... in particular living with stress. There are some excellent posts about this here http://marmaladeandmileposts.com/

Hope these are helpful rather than just same ole, same ole.

Blessings

screaming fatgirl said...

I hear your anger and I understand it very well. I think that it is time for you to stop suffering and start living. Being thin is not the answer to your problems, nor is eating, but this maddening business where you have to obsess all of the time about food and suffer with pain in order to reach a number on the scale(and probably just start to regain again) is not worth it.

This is not about giving up or giving in or letting yourself go, but about finding a place where you aren't in such distress that balances health and well-being with what your body is capable. It's about psychological and physical homeostasis. You need to devise a plan to make peace with food, your body, and your life. It may mean weighing 220 lbs. for the rest of your life. It may mean a little more or less than that. You need to be able to eat healthily most of the time, enjoy a treat sometimes, and get enough exercise for health without being in pain. This treadmill of misery isn't doing anything for you and in turn hurts your family. Taking care of yourself doesn't mean looking good, but it means feeling good.

Margaret said...

Yep, now you are seeing clearly and you should be angry.

It's a choice - either severe restriction every day with no end (this is painful) or the body returns to its previous set point (your high weight whatever it was), usually with an extra 20 lbs. thrown in for good measure (this is also painful.)

Is there a way to have the physical freedom of goal weight and still have a sandwich once in a while? Maybe after decades of maintenance? I don't know, I'm not there yet. I live in hope.

But I know for certain, at least for the first decade, no, there is not. It's just staying on your same restricted diet, but the numbers don't go down on the scale anymore even though you're doing the exact same thing. And if you stop, you gain.

So people choose whichever is the least painful option to them personally. I'm not advocating either choice, but I think everyone should realize there are pros and cons to both.

Goal weight? A restrictive diet that does not end and that you don't cheat for the rest of your life. (And if you slip you get right back on program asap - I mean fast.) Highest weight? Health problems and public shaming, depression, etc.


Enjoy your hiatus.
Margaret

Deb Willbefree said...

:o

Oh, Lyn!

I so get this: "I know that I am putting forth *more effort* now and over the last 2 years towards weight loss than I did BOTH those times when I succeeded."

Not only do I believe you, I feel exactly the same way.

You will get lots of preachy or critical comments (Most well-meaning, I'm sure.), but the fact is that a person has to have gone thru this type of struggle to get it.

I was nodding and understanding thru the whole post--and then you revealed the foot injury. OH! I actually said, "OH!" out loud.)

Adding the foot injury to this mix is just too much. Too much.

Really.

This is a time when I wish we could get together in person and have a good rant...with some unsweetened iced tea. :}

Hugs, girlfriend. Maybe you could outside and throw some stones at something.

There are more who know the frustration (At least about the struggle--the foot thing is in a class by itself) than your comments are likely to reveal.

Deb

Taryl said...

Well Lyn, sometimes I want a sandwich too. But I can't have what I want, because it makes my body fat and sick. Most of the time I have to be on plan, or I gain. That's life, and I can complain about it or deal with it.

I have a few days a year I eat whatever I want, in any quantity I want, with zero counting. And then it's back on plan. So I eat a sandwich, seasoned curly fries, and an icecream cake. Oatmeal. Banana chips. And it is SCRUMPTIOUS. Then I am back to my normal meat and veggies and nuts again, knowing that life is about more than food and that this is an area where I have to have self discipline with more rigor than many other people. And it isn't fair. But I'm SO lucky this is the worst that is wrong with my body, you know?

I'd say your foot pain is far worse than the weight issues, but they're tied together. I haven't ever been able to convince you that controlling your insulin response to food is going to be your ticket to weight loss and the most comfortable maintenance, but for me it has absolutely been true. Juicing would make me gain on half the calories that normal low carb would. I hope that isn't the case for you, friend, and I'm sorry you're having a horrible rough day :(

Kristi said...

I hate to say this, but welcome to the 40's. It ain't fun!

Ellen said...

I feel such empathy reading what you have just written. You have persevered these last two years, through foot pain and other setbacks, constantly trying new things and restricting your calorie intake, and yet you have not succeeded in losing the weight you have wanted to. Sometimes life is really not fair! I have been constantly amazed at your optimism and fortitude, and willingness to try again. I respect you so much. You deserve a little anger and self-pity. I just hope the moment passes and you are able to enjoy all the good stuff life has to offer, whatever weight you are. You are a great person, whatever your size, and I admire you so much.

Ellen said...

Lyn,
I felt such empathy reading your latest blog entry. You really have earned that anger. I have been so amazed over the past two years how you have persevered in your attempts to lose weight in spite of setbacks and foot pain. You continued to limit calories and always thought about what to try next, how to improve what you were doing. You deserved to be successful; sometimes life really isn't fair. I hope this feeling passes and you are able to enjoy the good stuff life has to offer, in spite of your frustration and disappointment. I have such admiration for you. I'm sure I am not alone in rooting for you, whatever weight you maintain.

Melody van den Akker said...

Wow! Well said and so totally honest, so very real. I believe you have just said what so many of us feel and could never put into words. Thank you for that. My Dr. said to me once that if she had to do as much work as me and thought about losing weight and food as much as I do that she would be exhausted and want to simply lose her mind. Yup! That about sums it up. My prayers are with you. (and the rest of us)

Sarah said...

Hi, I have read your ups and down for about 4 years now, and never commented. I just want you to know that I have kept reading because you are REAL about it. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with all of us. Please know during your hiatus that there will be lots of us missing you, cheering for you, and praying for you, myself included. I don't feel that I have much of anything to say that is helpful or encouraging, but I do want you to know that I care about your struggles, and wish it wasn't like this for you. sarah@forrussia.org

Bloggophereo said...

Hi Lynn,

Long-time reader, infrequent commenter. Just wanted to drop a line and say hello. I hope things pick up for you. I will add a religious comment, as you have previously mentioned your Christian faith, and I found this helps me in times of hardship.

"There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still" - Betsie ten Boom

God bless.

Steelers6 said...

Hi dearie, that foot boo boo sucks!
So stinky!! Ima be angry with you. Oh. I just realized you're taking a blog break-prob won't read this. Ha! Oh well, writing anyway.
I'm going to pray for a good Dr report. And a better day tomorrow.
Have a wonderful Mothers Day to a very caring, dedicated Mommy. Hug! Chrissy

Taryl said...

Ugh, I just reread my comment and it sounds so much less supportive than I was intending! Boo!

My point was that no, you're not anomalous in being unable to indulge even slightly on food types or calories, a lot of us who lose large amounts of weight and keep it off have the same reality. Your body isn't some mutant, awful thing that is betraying you in this - it is an unspoken maintenance reality and one we generally just have to accept and work with to see weight maintenance. You're not alone, and foot stomping is absolutely allowed with the realization of this.

And the Betsie ten Boom quote is bang on. God is faithful and allows and guides these things for our good, because He loves us. We may never understand. But on my part, I have gained much in the way of empathy, persistence, self control, humility, and perspective on real suffering though my weight battles. I am so grateful this is my lot, instead of something far more profoundly debilitating. And no matter my weakness, He is sufficient and these bodies are temporary. It won't always be like this, in these broken, fallen shells. And that gives me much to set my hope on - that I know how this battle ends ;)

Elizabeth said...

Lyn, I hear you loud and clear. I was there myself so many many times. You are among friends here who get where you are coming from. Every time I think I've got things together or that things are on the road to betterness something seems to slam me backwards. It's so frustrating and disheartening.

How well I know the feeling that I put forth so much effort and nothing comes of it. It's exhausting.

But Friday I had a little epiphany. My son has health problems that we are just starting to get to the bottom of and it's been a real strain on me and our family. That strain has caused me to gain back about 20 pounds. I hate it. But then, on Friday, after my son came home from the hospital I took him to the park. I was grateful to have him running around outside I stopped thinking about anything else and just lived in the moment for once. I chased after him at one point and as I stopped to pull up my pants (that are too small so they won't stay where they are supposed to) I realized that I just don't care that much about my weight right now because as long as I'm healthy it doesn't actually matter.

Your health has improved so very very much from where you started. I know you are still having pain, and that is debilitating, but think of all the other ways in which you have improved your life and your health. For now, that is so very good enough.

We spend so much time beating ourselves up for what we haven't yet accomplished when we need to give ourselves credit for what we have accomplished. What you have accomplished in terms of your weight, your health, and your life is amazing and you deserve to bask in that for a while.

Our journey is less about where we get to and more about how we get there. Take a break if you need to. It's all about this moment and what you need. Be good to you.

Deedah said...

Could you have a Vitamin B12 deficiency? I say that because I gained a bunch of weight after my father died last summer (which started piling on even before that when my chef boyfriend started cooking for me). I tried myfitnesspal, working out excessively, Weight Watchers online, and clean eating, etc. AND NOTHING came off in the year that I really tried. In fact, I gained another 7-10 lbs. Then I went to the doctor for a long-overdue (4 years) physical and my B12 and iron were so deficient that I was anemic. So my doctor actually told me that this might be why I was having such a hard time losing weight. He said that there have been studies that suggest this might be a culprit. Well, he said to take no less than 1,000 mcg daily of B12 to help with the anemia. So I started the B12 about the same time Weight Watchers had a special going on. So I said what the heck and joined the meetings (I did try online earlier in the year, and like I said, NOTHING worked so I'm very familiar with how to eat on that program). And low and behold I've lost 13 lb in 6 weeks with half the effort I made before and I don't exercise nearly as much because of a knee issue.

LHA said...

I don't know if this will help any Lyn, but for me it HAS to not be all about losing weight and the number on the scale. My most successful weight loss efforts have been when I come up with an eating plan that is comfortable for me that I think I can stick with it and just do it. If it turns out to be something I cannot tolerate or stick with, I tweak it a little. I always make sure that this is something that I know will result in at least slow weight loss and improved health for me.

Once set in my mind, I start it and put away the scale. I tell myself every night "I have done everything I can today to lose weight" and do not allow myself to obsess over it, repeating that mantra as many times as necessary. I weigh once a month and accept any loss as a victory.

I am never perfect in the execution of this plan, and I have my setbacks but this has worked for me several times when my weight gets out of control. I try hard to live my life without worrying about food or obsessing about weight, and enjoy activities .

I sure wish you luck! I understand your frustration and I know your other readers do too. Hang in there, and thanks for blogging.

Michelle Himes said...

I hear you too, Lyn. And I've been there. Miraculously, (or thanks to Weight Watchers) I'm now losing and almost to goal, but I can never relax about it because I've gained it back so many times. It's depressing to know that I will ALWAYS have to be careful what I put into my mouth, and can never relax and just eat like a normal person. I hear you about the feet too. I have had hip problems for a few years now, and walking any distance was painful. Taking the weight off has made it so much better. I hope that that alone will make me successful this time. I sincerely hope that your latest injury doesn't require casting and that you can get those shots (cortisone, I would imagine) and be able to do all that you hoped for this summer. Hang in there!

Betsey C. said...

Oh Lyn, you have my sympathy -- especially with your pain issues. I have RA, so I understand what it's like to be hobbled by pain. I hope your feet feel better soon.

I admit, I don't understand why a sandwich would be evil. I might be very lucky in that I can eat a balanced diet and lose weight (I am on Weight Watchers). No food is off limits, I just have to watch my portions. I feel better and have more energy when I have whole grains and complex carbs in my diet.

I often wonder if people can harm their metabolisms with low carb dieting. I am 60 and have never done any kind of low carb plan. This is just something I wonder about, that's all. I have lost 25 lbs. In 3 months, and I have 30 more to go.

I am glad I can eat a wide variety of foods to keep my diet interesting. Portion control is hard for me, and sometimes I have to white-knuckle it, but I am happy to be eating many of my favorite foods every week.

I have loved your blog for many years now, I have commiserated with you and cheered with you. I sincerely hope that you will feel much better soon.

sezza182 said...

Oh Lyn, I'm so sorry if the comment on your last post triggered this. Was genuinely interested and ended up reading into this issue in books as I am also in the same plateu!
I think calorie restriction has slowed down your metabolism. I know you're gonna get (and have already received) plenty of helpful advise so I won't blabber, but it's a new found area of information because we've always been told fat and sugar is BAD but severe restriction actually causes out system to go into survival mode.
I think it can be reversed by slowly incorporating the right amounts of fat and sugar back into the diet, even if it means a little bit of gain at the start.
I think you're on the right track.
Thank you for being so real, you're allowed to be angry.
Peace to you and I'm
Sorry again if I sparked those feelings in you.
Sarah

KristiBT said...

I've been reading you for years...and I identify with your struggle. I'm starting Whole 30 tomorrow. The book rang true to me - 'It Starts With Food' by Dallas & Melissa Hartwig. I hope and pray this is my answer. Best wishes to you always

karen said...

Plant based!! Go no fat plant based! You love vegetables and have access to a farmer's market. And it is all you can eat! You can choose a gluten free starch if you need to. There are a few variations but all work. I am eating mostly McDougall, but add nonfat dairy occasionally. Since January I have lost 20 pounds and I'm down 40 from my "high". And I'm not 100% compliant. I have read testimonials from people whose inflammation pain has been eliminated plus the effects on insulin resistance etc. And it is free on the internet!

http://engine2diet.com/resources-and-research/

http://www.drmcdougall.com
/misc/2006nl/june/marys.htm

http://www.drmcdougall.com/health/education/free-mcdougall-program/10-day-meal-plan/

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/

Last but no least, the Youtube channel Potato Strong. This guy has lost a lot of weight eating pounds of potatoes. It sounds impossible but he's on video!

Good luck!

lollykings said...

Forget what you've lost or gained in the past. Make TODAY a new beginning. Post a new weight, not saying it's a gain from x amount of time ago. Take a new picture. Measure yourself today, not comparing yourself to old measurements but for comparison to NEXT weeks statistics. It is what it is. Just own it and start over.

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn, How are you doing? You have to remember, there is a lot of junk science out there. Even with celiac disease. I just read an otherwise amazing book , which was then sabotaged by the author espousing this alkaline/acidity thing. You have to find what works for you. A club sandwich is not a bad lunch, and you can make it healthier... thinner sliced bread, more veg. Or even half a sandwich and soup.

Forget about what all the books say. Eat what feels healthy and tasty to you, in moderate portions. There are a lot of RDs out there who have blogs. If you feel better with a juice in the morning, then have a juice in the morning. But remember that most of these sites/etc are selling something. Keep an eye out for what they are promoting. Fat,sick,and nearly dead is a Breville ad, basically.

I wish you the best of luck.

Mgncsty said...

Hi, Lyn!
I feel your pain, as an active mother with a chronic knee injury I have had to restrict my choices in ways that can feel frustrating when my head isn't in the right place.
I have to believe it is all for a reason and let go of a need to judge the situation as good or bad. It just is. If I need to know the reason then I'll learn it and if not then that knowledge is not necessary to my journey. I've even found that truly believing this starts for many by faking to believe it.
I found your blog years ago when I was feeling stuck at home with young children, desperate for a distraction from daily struggles. I've been inspired to inspect myself by the changes and growth I've seen in your life. Your patience is a blessing and I know your efforts will be rewarded.
I know you don't need it, but I'm rooting for you!
Take care, Megan

justjuliebean said...

I am mid-forties, previously obese and unable to make the jump from overweight to normal, but I'm comfortable with food. If I want a club sandwich, or a piece of cake, it's fine, it may be a longer time until I'm hungry again. I think it balances out, and if I get stressed and worry about it, I eat more, and less healthy. I used to think that I had to eat certain things, and eat regularly, but realistically, I do better eating mostly healthy, and using real physical hunger as a guide. I would have to get more involved to lose, but maintenance is painless, comfortable

kim ellis said...

over 200g in carbs in a day could be the reason behind not seeing success.

Taryl said...

I've been thinking about you, Lyn. How are you doing these days? Is the pain in your feet a little better?

sezza182 said...

Hope you're ok. Continually checking back to see if you've updated.

Janet said...

I know where you are because I've been there! Last year I partially tore my Achilles and felt OLDER and moved LESS than my 73 year old mother (I am 48) - Being off my foot or in extreme pain when I walked for more than a year caused me to gain back 80 of the 110 pounds I lost 3 years ago.

To say I felt defeated doesn't even begin to cover it.

However, five weeks ago I took control of my life again. I started a doctor monitored, full Optifast program through a hospital in my city. I am down 35 pounds, which is nice but what I love more than the weight loss about this program is the group sessions and sessions with the counselors, which is helping me finally confront and resolve the mental (emotional) reasons I eat.

If I can help you in any way, I'd be happy to do it. I have copied and scanned all of the workbooks I receive in my group sessions so if you'd like to read them just let me know.

You are not alone and I can tell you that you will succeed - All it takes is to keep trying! If today you are not successful, there will be another opportunity tomorrow!

Remember to Love yourself!

xo

Leslie said...

I've been thinking of you a lot Lyn, and continually checking for a new post. I hope all is well and that you are taking care of yourself in every way. Looking forward to an update!

Blods said...

Please stop being angry and come back! We miss you x

Diana said...

Hi Lyn - I have no words of wisdom on weight loss. I'm struggling with it too. I just wanted to say hello. I pop back into blog world every two or three weeks, and I see you're missing in action. Just wanted to touch base with you. I miss reading your posts, but I know you'll be okay with whatever is going on in your world. You're a super strong lady whom I admire greatly from afar. Take care. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best that life has to offer. ~Diana

JazzyMae said...

Its June 1! Time for some motivation to write and share!! Come on Lyn! WE know your there!! Come out and say hey... :)

Leslie said...

Hi Lyn - let us know how you're doing? I can only imagine how many emails and comments you have! We love you and want to hear from you. Hugs!!!

Laura97223 said...

Hi! I'm not sure you're still checking this as this post was about a month ago. I just wanted to offer a suggestion. Have you tried using bodymedia? When I transitioned I was at a loss about how much I could actually eat and not gain and it was very hit or miss. I felt like I was on a roller coaster or my body was mad at me...anyway the bodymedia (used to be bodybugg) is a very accurate count of the calories you are actually burning throughout the day. Its also a great indicator if your exercise is effective. I learned that some exercise I was doing was tiresome but not burning a lot of calories and that I burned a lot less then I thought I did just throughout the day. Knowledge is power and I gotta say it really takes a lot of the guessing out and teaches me when I can have that turkey club and when I haven't moved enough to justify it. Anyway Just wanted to help!

JM said...

Lyn where are you? Is this the end of the blog?

Gina Comer said...

I just wanted to tell you, after reading for all these years, I probably commented before... I love you. I get this. You are not alone. Your journey is meaningful and precious.

Lyn said...

I was not going to write anything, just look at any emails and comments, but I can't just post the comments and not say thank you. I appreciate each of you, I am sorry but I have nothing else to say right now.

roberta mcdonald said...

Healing thoughts and prayers.

Katie McCune said...

Love your blog! I just started my weight loss journey and blog. Hope to have similar successes. Congrats on the hard work!
Fromcaketokale.wordpress.com

Leslie said...

It's good to just know you're there, and reading and hanging on. My main wish in all this, for you and for us all who struggle with food, weight and eating, is to find peace with all 3. And beyond that, with ourselves. XO

kareninvermont said...

Hi Lyn! I hope you are still reading comments now and then because I wanted to tell you how much your blog means to me. I have followed your ups and downs from the beginning and I admire your courage and strength. I hope you come back to this blog soon even if its just to say hello and check in. Your success on the scale matters less to me than your success at looking in the mirror and loving who you see. I hope you are well and back to blogging real soon! xo

Taryl said...

Sometimes a break does the soul good, Lyn. You've been writing and struggling a long time and I know it can be frustrating (I'm sitting here watching the scale go up with another pregnancy and feeling very out of control, myself, with diet and exercise). Don't give up on yourself, even if you need a hiatus. You have too much to live for and too many years ahead of you to throw in the towel on your quality of life.

But a break? That's a smart idea, and it hope the summer is progressing nicely with your sons and daughter!

Lori said...

Lyn,
Please come back. I know you are in a hard place and have been for far too long. The temptation to give up is strong and seemingly a valid option. It isn't.

Quitting will only make things worse. Keep trying. Soon enough you'll find your sweet spot again. When you do you'll understand why this struggle was necessary.
Lori

Deb Willbefree said...

Hi, Girlfriend.

I've had you on my mind and have been praying for you. When you get a moment, could you let me know how your feet are doing? Thanks.

Deb

Lori C said...

I recommend a book "Why We Suffer". By Peter Michaelson $4.99 on kindle. He addresses the role of the unconscious in our self-sabotaging behaviors. The theory is that we are unconsciously attached to feelings of powerlessness, being deprived etc, unresolved from childhood, which we recreate in our lives. Our main problem is inner passivity, and it's the reason we have problems such as lack of self-regulation.

JillAlisaxoxo said...

Lyn,

Please don't be too discouraged, please don't stop trying, please don't give up. I can only imagine how difficult it is to push so hard and give it all you've got and not get the results you deserve or are expecting, especially after everything you've worked through just to get to where you are today, but please keep fighting through it. If for no other reason than for all of those you have inspired with your previous success.

I am at the beginning of my journey into not hating myself and wanting to cry when I look in the mirror. I can only dream of what it must be like to go out in public and not feel like everyone is staring at me whispering to one another not to eat certain foods or get lazy or they.ll look like me. All I have is hope that I, too, can fight through every single day of eating differently than what I want and what I'm used to to someday get as far as you have.

I've just found your blog tonight and am super impressed by your pictures and what I've read of your journey thus far. I plan on reading even more tomorrow for guidance and motivation.

Please let your story have a positive ending to keep the hope alive for me and all of those out there like me who are just starting and need to believe that it can be done.

Sending love and light your way, and thanks for the motivation thus far. Hope today is better than the last.

Dinahsoar said...

I've been where you are now. Here's the thing. IMO there is more to it than calories in/calories out. There are things beyond our control. Like genetics. Food itself---what has been added to it, taken away from it, processing, modification, etc. People who don't struggle with fat think those who do are eating too much food. In some cases that may be true. But it may not be the only true thing. There can still be more at play. What makes one person want/need more food than another? What makes one person feel satisfied and full on an amount that another person would consider a tidbit? AND, add to all this, the years of being told to eat low fat, fat is bad, avoid fat at all cost; cholesterol in food is bad; saturated fat is the devil. Get my drift? The so called experts don't really know anything for certain. A couple of years ago I read intuitive eating and I 'quit' everything I'd been told. I looked to the past, back in the day when people ate the things we are now told not to eat and I modified my thinking kicking the police out of my head. Doctors say we will live longer if we lose weight. If that is true why is it that elderly people who are overweight live longer? We are told if we lose weight we will reduce our risk of heart disease all the while knowing that normal weight people, fat people, skinny people, people of all shapes and sizes get heart disease OR some other disease that is bad and ends up killing them in spite of all their so called good behavior choices. And why is no one telling us to enjoy life, to savor our food and work on being happier and reducing stress in our life if we want to be healthier. Basically, I've come to the opinion that it's all just a big crock and that the old people back in my day were right to take the attitude that they did which was you can't trust the medical community. I thought they were just grouchy and complaining. Now I understand why they were the way they were and I'm where they are and it sounds like you may be on your way too. The ones who won't end up there are the ones who don't struggle with weight issues or health issues.

In the meantime, I hope you are finding satisfaction in the other areas of your life which are vastly more important considering.

Betsey C. said...

Hi Lyn, just want to let you know I am thinking of you, wondering how you are and hoping for a little update whenever you are able.

I have been reading your blog for so long, I really miss hearing about you. Take care,

Betaey

Lyn said...

Thank you for thinking of me.

Marianne Molleur said...

Hi Lyn:
I see you are still reading comments so I wanted to say "Hi" and send my warm regards and best wishes. I am sorry for your pain, hope you are healing.

As for the weight loss, every time I think I have "the answer" it isn't. I hope for peace from the struggle with food for me and for you too.
XXX
Marianne

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn, I hope you are ok. Hope you had a good Fourth. Please feel free to contact me if you want to chat.

Wishing you all the best.

C

emmegebe said...

Lyn, I stopped in to see if you were still checking comments and things here. So glad that you are indeed alive and kicking. :-) I hope you are having a joyful summer with your kids and recharging your blogging batteries. Having followed you for a long time, I miss your writing, and hope that you'll be back soon. I know things were discouraging for you lately but your chronicle has been such a beacon of honesty and hope for so many. Your readers love you and will be happy to 'see' you again no matter what has happened with your weight and health in the past couple of months.

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