Somewhere along the line, I lost my drive to do this anymore. I'm not sure when it happened, because I remember when I was really 'in the zone' and enjoying weight loss and changed habits 90% of the time. I still had my bad days... I think everyone has those moments when they just want to stop paying attention to what they eat, take a break, and indulge, but those days weren't that often and didn't take over and sabotage my efforts. I remember the feeling of being in control and the weight coming off every month and how much less often I was thinking about food in general. I *wanted* it, I was driven to make it happen. And then somehow I lost the drive. It's happened several times, but there are two huge shifts that stand out to me. One was after I'd lost 64 pounds, going from 278 to 214 by counting calories and exercising. It wasn't a totally straight drop, and I had bad days and weeks here and there. But after I hung out at 214 for a long time, my mindset just changed. I felt sort of exhausted from almost a year of attention to detail. I did not have the motivation or energy, it seemed, to keep going. I didn't give up or stop... but instead of 90% good days, it slipped to something like 75%. And that was all it took to bounce me back up 20 pounds and stay there for a long, long time. And no matter how I tried, or what I planned or how many times I decided to bike and count calories, it would peter out after a couple of weeks and whatever weight I lost, I'd regain. And that didn't change for a long time. I was doing enough to keep off *most* of the weight, but not enough to lose more. The second time was after Medifast, where I got down to 103 pounds lost and hit my low weight of 175 pounds. Again, it was not a straight drop and I had my off days, but I was back to at least 90% good days and that resulted in weight loss. And it felt great! I was once again driven to change and to see results. But after I hung out at 175-178 pounds for awhile, my mindset changed again. Once more I felt that 'diet fatigue' from attention to detail, and I was just not motivated to keep going. I slipped to about 80% compliance which bumped my weight up into the 180's for several months, and then I slipped some more and my weight went up again. And I have not gotten enough drive or motivation since them to really work it back off. I do just enough not to regain it all. I do just enough, apparently, to keep off 50-60 pounds. But not enough to lose weight.
Sure, there's been the issue of mobility. I haven't been able to walk or be as active as I used to be. But that's not the *cause* of the weight problem. It just makes it harder. I also had some emotional trauma over the past year, which also didn't help my mindset and sucked whatever motivation I had left right out of me. But the root of it all is just the fact that it hasn't meant enough to me, it hasn't been my priority, I haven't wanted it badly enough to get back to a serious, at least 90% effort for longer than a few months. Don't misread what I am saying; I *have* had weeks or months of giving it my all in the past 2 years, either on Medifast or doing Primal/Paleo or counting calories. But when my results have been less than stellar... 2 or 3 pounds lost in a month... I have gone back to 75-80% effort again. It just didn't seem worth it. My morale has been in the toilet. I stopped believing I could do it.
I don't have it back. Not yet. I won't pretend I am all excited to keep working at this or that I am in a different mindset today than I was last week or last month. I'm not. But I do care, I do see what has happened, I do want to fix it, change it. I was to get that motivation and drive back.
I have thought and thought about what I might do to bring it back. I know that I lose the "I wanna eat" mindset when I eat low carb and stay off the sugar. I think that is essential... but there is something else. Something I can't put a finger on, because when I stayed low carb and off sugar (and gluten) for a month or two, I still gave up when I didn't see the results I wanted. Now, I don't know how to get the results I want. Things do not seem to work the same as they used to. But in order to get results, I have to find the drive and motivation to stay with this longer than a month or two at a stretch. I have to get back the spark, and believe in myself again. I need to find what I've lost.
Friday Update and Reality Check
7 hours ago