Sunday, March 2, 2014

I Lost It

Somewhere along the line, I lost my drive to do this anymore. I'm not sure when it happened, because I remember when I was really 'in the zone' and enjoying weight loss and changed habits 90% of the time. I still had my bad days... I think everyone has those moments when they just want to stop paying attention to what they eat, take a break, and indulge, but those days weren't that often and didn't take over and sabotage my efforts. I remember the feeling of being in control and the weight coming off every month and how much less often I was thinking about food in general. I *wanted* it, I was driven to make it happen. And then somehow I lost the drive. It's happened several times, but there are two huge shifts that stand out to me. One was after I'd lost 64 pounds, going from 278 to 214 by counting calories and exercising. It wasn't a totally straight drop, and I had bad days and weeks here and there. But after I hung out at 214 for a long time, my mindset just changed. I felt sort of exhausted from almost a year of attention to detail. I did not have the motivation or energy, it seemed, to keep going. I didn't give up or stop... but instead of 90% good days, it slipped to something like 75%. And that was all it took to bounce me back up 20 pounds and stay there for a long, long time. And no matter how I tried, or what I planned or how many times I decided to bike and count calories, it would peter out after a couple of weeks and whatever weight I lost, I'd regain. And that didn't change for a long time. I was doing enough to keep off *most* of the weight, but not enough to lose more. The second time was after Medifast, where I got down to 103 pounds lost and hit my low weight of 175 pounds. Again, it was not a straight drop and I had my off days, but I was back to at least 90% good days and that resulted in weight loss. And it felt great! I was once again driven to change and to see results. But after I hung out at 175-178 pounds for awhile, my mindset changed again. Once more I felt that 'diet fatigue' from attention to detail, and I was just not motivated to keep going. I slipped to about 80% compliance which bumped my weight up into the 180's for several months, and then I slipped some more and my weight went up again. And I have not gotten enough drive or motivation since them to really work it back off. I do just enough not to regain it all. I do just enough, apparently, to keep off 50-60 pounds. But not enough to lose weight.

Sure, there's been the issue of mobility. I haven't been able to walk or be as active as I used to be. But that's not the *cause* of the weight problem. It just makes it harder. I also had some emotional trauma over the past year, which also didn't help my mindset and sucked whatever motivation I had left right out of me. But the root of it all is just the fact that it hasn't meant enough to me, it hasn't been my priority, I haven't wanted it badly enough to get back to a serious, at least 90% effort for longer than a few months. Don't misread what I am saying; I *have* had weeks or months of giving it my all in the past 2 years, either on Medifast or doing Primal/Paleo or counting calories. But when my results have been less than stellar... 2 or 3 pounds lost in a month... I have gone back to 75-80% effort again. It just didn't seem worth it. My morale has been in the toilet. I stopped believing I could do it.

I don't have it back. Not yet. I won't pretend I am all excited to keep working at this or that I am in a different mindset today than I was last week or last month. I'm not. But I do care, I do see what has happened, I do want to fix it, change it. I was to get that motivation and drive back.

I have thought and thought about what I might do to bring it back. I know that I lose the "I wanna eat" mindset when I eat low carb and stay off the sugar. I think that is essential... but there is something else. Something I can't put a finger on, because when I stayed low carb and off sugar (and gluten) for a month or two, I still gave up when I didn't see the results I wanted. Now, I don't know how to get the results I want. Things do not seem to work the same as they used to. But in order to get results, I have to find the drive and motivation to stay with this longer than a month or two at a stretch. I have to get back the spark, and believe in myself again. I need to find what I've lost.

14 comments:

LuckyMama said...

Wow - your post really struck a chord with me and I could have written those very words. That fleeting, elusive "IT" that keeps us motivated to keep moving forward. If we could bottle "IT", lots of problems would be solved.

One thing you need to remember is how often you are successful. Maintaining your efforts just 10% of the time is better than giving up - which I don't think you're doing by any stretch.

Be kind to yourself and allow imperfection.

MargieAnne said...

I know exactly what you mean about losing drive because that's where I am right now. I think that's changing now that we are more settled at home for a few months.

I'm glad you are going to look at the book I mentioned yesterday.

I've decided to make PFC my focus. The idea is from a dietitian. http://www.dietitiancassie.com/blog/

My interpretation as follows "PFC Food Focus

P = meat, eggs, fish, cheese
F = butter, cream, natural grass fed meat fats, coconut and olive oil
C = raw vegetables in salads, cooked greens, carrots, small potato, sometimes sweet, occasional fresh fruit and dried prunes, figs or dates"

I'm not sure whether it will give me weight loss but I need to eat sensibly too. I am a recovering chaotic eater..... ordinary everyday food, multiple diets, fasting, and everything in between. I still experiment eg testing blood ketones but the bottom line is Common Sense.

I guess you just do what feels right without putting stress on yourself.

Blessings

16 blessings'mom said...

I also could have written this post. I started out with so much motivation, I was just on fire. I lost seventy pounds of the hundred+ that I was hoping for, and then...I got comfy. 20 pounds came creeping back. Now, I am still 50 pounds smaller than I started, but still have at least 50 to go...and am getting tired of working so hard and still being so heavy. I don't have the foot pain, but have bad arthritis in the knees, one knee really damaged from a bad fall...makes exercise really difficult. I know, excuses. But. I will. Not. Give. Up. Being sick and tired is just a feeling, I will press on whether I feel it or not. And I don't happen to feel like it. But there is no choice. I do NOT want to gain more weight back. So don't give up, keep on even if you aren't feeling it:)

Della

skinnyhollie said...

I feel you. So much.

I've started OA meetings again. Trying to fix myself from the inside out, I guess. I've got to get my mind focused on health because that scale drives me insane.

Dave Douglas said...

What I love about your post is that you know exactly what the problem is. This is about your choices and your commitment to believe you can do this. There isn't any hidden secret to beating morbid obesity. We simply have a belief in that we can be thin that is strong enough to change our behavior and choices. I'd encourage you to look for inspiration in others to help get that spark back. Losing my 220 pounds took 8 years with many periods of failure. Don't give up. This is completely doable when you can believe in yourself.

Here' same link to my before photos to hopefully add some hope to your day.

http://thingineering.com/before-and-after-thingineer-dave/

Jami Stakley said...

Lyn I went back and looked at your weight loss by month and it looks like in February of 2010 you made a change. Your weight was slightly higher than it is now with no loss in March 2010. In April 2010 you lost 15 pounds. Can you go back and look at your blogs around that time frame? I don't know if that would help but its worth a shot. I am really pulling for you and wishing well.

Jami Stakley said...

I don't know if it will help but I think you should go back and read your blogs from April 2010. They are very motivating. I just started reading them because I personally am having a very difficult time myself. You could give it a shot. Take care.

liz said...

Thank you for your honest writing. One sentence in particular stick out at me "I don't know how to get the results I want" That's me.... I working on it but is's so hard. I went back to WW but some of the faces were the same as a year ago and they look no different. I know 95% compliance to a program is what pays off... but how to began

Lori said...

I am watching the comments closely because I can identify with it so much.
Lori

Deb Willbefree said...

Groan. I hadn't realized until I read this post that you have gained back all of the weight you lost on Medifast. How discouraging and scary that is. (I know because I, too, have regained everything I lost back in 2010.)

I remember that we both got to about 175 pounds at the same time..and we both felt great at that weight...until we both began to notice flabby arms and skin that we didn't expect. I added the dismay of seeing an aging face.

I know--absolutely know--that seeing that face was the beginning of my slide. I hung on for a few months, had a major surgery go wrong, and blamo. The weight was back.

Fo the past two years I have been asking the question implicit in this blog--"What needs to happen for me to get IT back? What is that missing piece? And where did I put it?!"

I don't need to reread posts (Although that is a good idea.) because I know, as stated above, where the slide began. I also know the right food plan for me to lose weight and gain health. No doubt about it whatsoever.

I just don't seem to know how to get my groove back. Trying and trying and trying hasn't helped much.

I'm pretty tired of thrashing around for the answer.

Lyn said...

Deb~

yep, that was pretty much the beginning of the end for me, too... seeing the skin hanging off my arms, even my wrists, and my neck and legs... it was just very distressing to me. I blogged about it but I never felt okay about it. I did feel a lot better at 189 pounds without as much sagging skin. I need to get at least back to that weight. I maintained there for awhile so I believe it is possible. You will get there too.

erin said...

Man, I relate to this so much. I can't figure out what I'm missing, why it's so hard to get rid of the weight I've regained (about 30 pounds). I think a huge part of it is what you mentioned-diet fatigue. I'm just sick of thinking about food all of the time, sick of dealing with it. And I too have stopped believing that I can really and truly lose the weight and keep it off. I am weary. I know you are too. I wish I had a magic solution. I don't, but when I pray for myself, I will pray for you, too.

Lyn said...

Thank you erin, your prayers are welcome. I will pray for you as well.

Jessi said...

Even if you're "only" losing 2-3lb a month, though, after a year you will have lost 24-36lb, which will have a significant positive impact on your health. Keep going!