Saturday, March 1, 2014

Another Month Gone By

Ahhh, the weekend! I love it when I have a calm weekend with nothing scheduled outside the home. Especially when it is cold and snowing. I never really sleep in and still automatically wake up by 7, but I just love being able to lounge in my fluffy robe with a cup of hot (black, decaf) French Pressed coffee, chatting with my daughter, petting my (freshly bathed) dogs, listening to the wind rustle the trees, reading the news and catching up on blogs. Love it! Think I will have a second cup :)

I am also glad it's finally March, even if it's simply because March feels a lot more like spring than February does... at least in concept. I weighed in at 228 today, down a pound from last week which is fine but also that's just one pound gone in February... not so fine.

This week I tried to put my heart into it but honestly it was just half-assed. I tend to eat low calorie and low carb all day and then sometime in the late afternoon I get super hungry and eat too many carbs. I start tracking calories in the morning and by afternoon I quit. I think about getting on the bike but do something else instead. I guess I've just been distracted with other things.

I can't find my planner with all my notes in it because I just moved everything to have my carpets cleaned yesterday, so I will go from memory on the PT. I believe I did 25 minutes one session and 30 minutes another session. The second session was turned up faster than I have ever done before and it really got my heart going. I enjoy the pool treadmill walks SO much. Aside from PT, I am walking more than I have in months... not for exercise, but just for general everyday life. I still have pain about 4-5/10 but I can live with that. I have to limit time on my feet, but I can shop without limping, I can vacuum the house, I can do a bit of yard work. It is so nice to be able to walk a normal gait; I am still walking slowly, but it looks and feels normal now and not altered/pained. And this week I was able to take a shower without the shower chair for the first time in months! I cannot tell you how happy this made me. I guess you have to have experienced these kinds of limits to truly appreciate being free again. I still have the chair in the bathroom, just in case I need it sometimes. But I am very thankful to finally be seeing real improvements.

What I would like to do for March is simple: calorie count every day, exercise 5 days a week. Nothing magical here, just more accountability and habit building. I have been too lax with myself and my body shows it.

Earlier this week, I sat with my needle and dark blue thread, mending those poor old jeans that had worn through in the inner thighs. I had to fix them, because they are the only pair of jeans that fit. Of course they are wearing out, since I am washing them constantly and wearing them daily, and as I sat stitching quietly, I knew it was a temporary fix. Looking at the fabric I could see that even if my sewing held, more and more areas of fabric were becoming thin and strained. But I stitched anyway. I thought about whether I could starve-diet myself down enough to fit into the next smaller jeans before these became unusable. I wondered if the weight would peel off quickly enough if I did something really extreme. Thoughts... stitches. I imagined going to the store and buying a bigger pair of jeans. I thought about why I am where I am, and how it felt when I was thinner, and all the things I ate to get to this size again, and how they are part of me now in a way that terrifies me. I finished the stitching, cut the thread and went to bed.

A few days later I slipped those jeans on and when I tried to zip them, the zipper broke. I mean it really broke... completely open and unfixable and unwearable. I guess all the pressure of my fat on that zipper day after day was just too much.

I wonder what that fat is doing to my internal organs, my body... my spirit. Well, I kind of know.

Now I am in yoga pants. But that's not going to fly when the weekend is over. I guess some jeans shopping is in my near future.

Today, I will bike.

9 comments:

MargieAnne said...

So happy for you as you continue to get progress from the therapy in the pool.

It's really hard to face up and buy new jeans in a larger size than you want. But you will feel better when more comfortable.

Other than that particular problem you sound as though you are doing well. Just remember when you are calorie counting that good nutrition and real food quality is even more important than calories in and out for good health.

Please don't be afraid of animal fats. Our brains and much more depend on them for good health. There is a new book out which I think is very worthwhile for our times called Eat the Yolks http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Yolks-Liz-Wolfe/dp/1628600195

It might be have the very information about diet you are seeking.

Blessings

Karen said...

Were you able identify the root cause of the big binge day?

When/if you are ready, tackling the root cause(s) might be an excellent place to start with a therapist, life coach, binge treatment person, support group, etc.

I know I had to get to a place of clarity to even start to ID my triggers. Took about 8-10 weeks of stopping my food triggers until my brain said "HEY! I'm not eating emotionally any more, let me look at what's contributing... " Then about 2-3 years of continued work. Your experience will differ.

There are multiple points of entry into tackling binges. Not sure if I could have done it without the early work of the therapist.

Good luck. I also had to prioritize my eating/binging/weight gain = life threatening. It was all hands on deck sort of situation. And, it was.

Lyn said...

MargieAnne~

thanks! I will take a look at that book. I agree... real food/nutrition is important. Lately it's been hard for me to juggle quality and quantity, but I am working on it.

Karen~

I had to really think about what you meant by big binge day. Then I remembered the day I went and bought Doritos and an ice cream bar and caramel corn. Oh yeah, that. Funny how we forget. I never considered it a binge, though, as the amounts were small; I know it was junk and bad choices, but I don't think of an 1800 calorie day as a binge. Anyway yes, the trigger, I think, was the tastes of sweets and grains I had on my trip. I came home and wanted more of that! I do believe it is addictive. Causes all kinds of cravings.

Karen said...

I recognize this well. I used to justify my eating as "well, this is just a mini-binge" and I don't fit the criteria for binge eating problem. That "slippery slope thinking" enabled me to endanger my life, time with my kid, and my family finances getting medical treatment.

My therapist was right, once I stopped emotional eating my relationships with others changed.

The addictive properties of sugar and grains is the reason Dr. Berkeley,MD (Author of Refuse to Regain book) recommends a 90 day opt out to start weight maintenance. 90 days of not eating the "S" foods. This may be a good place to start.

I always considered myself to either be in active gain, active maintenance, active loss. The gap between maintenance and gain is very, very narrow for me.

Abstaining from processed sugar, grains, then eventually nuts gave me a better neurological place to address my emotional triggers (they were life long).

Again, your entry point may be different, but start to gather a a team. While you can still walk and move around. You are young and you have a young kid at home. One of the things that helped me to stop enabling myself from the behavior was getting completely off processed sugar and gluten. Then I could get additional help.

A lot of people get the binge treatment first, then the weight will be stable. I did it backwards and lost weight while being open to emotional eating. It took 10 years for me to carry out what the therapist said to do.. but better late than never. I lived to try it!

When and if you are ready... hope you can find what your answers are.

Lyn said...

Karen~

I know you're right about a lot of that. You know how being on Medifast clarifies things, makes a lot of the emotional work possible. I did a *lot* of that work while I was on Medifast. It was really eye opening, how things bubble up to work on when you are not stuffing them down with food. I know that. And I know the MF food was not some magic potion... it's getting off the sugar and carby stuff. I have had trouble replicating it with real food. I am still working on that.

Kathy said...

You have brought up such a good thing to think about - what the excess weight does to our insides. I think sometimes it's safer to not go there because it's hard to deal with. I think it's a good thing for me to remember when I have moments of wanting to eat when I shouldn't. Go buy those jeans and know this is only temporary. One step at a time is all you can do.

Mary Gilbert said...

I am in a similar pickle, wherein the jeans I have now are the only pair of jeans that kind of flatter me but they are a bit big, and the next size down doesn't fit! Its very frustrating.

Lately I have noticed you have a bit of a similar mindset to me. I started out the new year really well, counting calories and exercising and all. Now i really resent the program I use to count calories and I am trying to get out of the rut.

But we can do this! Just keep chugging along.

Lori said...

I only have on pair of jeans that 'fit' too and they are really too tight. Spring break is coming up and I'm going out of town for a few days. I'm either going to have to wear dirty jeans by the end of the trip, lose several pounds or buy new clothes. I just hate to spend the money since I'm certain that eventually, they'll be too big. Sigh.

BTW, I totally agree with the glad it is March statement.
Lori

LHA said...

Reading your post today reminded me of a lot of what has been happening with me. Yes, it is the first of March and that causes me to reflect on the question "What did I really do to improve my health and weight during the month just past?" My answer to that is "Not much". Another month gone by, another chance passed up to make a real difference for myself.

May motivation come for both of us and all who are stalled or struggling! I don't know why it has to be so hard sometimes, and then so much easier at others. The only thing I know is that overeating (especially non-healthy foods) HAS to be some kind of addiction because we do it over and over even though we know it is harming us. Feels like a ball and chain tonight.....