Ahhh, the weekend! I love it when I have a calm weekend with nothing scheduled outside the home. Especially when it is cold and snowing. I never really sleep in and still automatically wake up by 7, but I just love being able to lounge in my fluffy robe with a cup of hot (black, decaf) French Pressed coffee, chatting with my daughter, petting my (freshly bathed) dogs, listening to the wind rustle the trees, reading the news and catching up on blogs. Love it! Think I will have a second cup :)
I am also glad it's finally March, even if it's simply because March feels a lot more like spring than February does... at least in concept. I weighed in at 228 today, down a pound from last week which is fine but also that's just one pound gone in February... not so fine.
This week I tried to put my heart into it but honestly it was just half-assed. I tend to eat low calorie and low carb all day and then sometime in the late afternoon I get super hungry and eat too many carbs. I start tracking calories in the morning and by afternoon I quit. I think about getting on the bike but do something else instead. I guess I've just been distracted with other things.
I can't find my planner with all my notes in it because I just moved everything to have my carpets cleaned yesterday, so I will go from memory on the PT. I believe I did 25 minutes one session and 30 minutes another session. The second session was turned up faster than I have ever done before and it really got my heart going. I enjoy the pool treadmill walks SO much. Aside from PT, I am walking more than I have in months... not for exercise, but just for general everyday life. I still have pain about 4-5/10 but I can live with that. I have to limit time on my feet, but I can shop without limping, I can vacuum the house, I can do a bit of yard work. It is so nice to be able to walk a normal gait; I am still walking slowly, but it looks and feels normal now and not altered/pained. And this week I was able to take a shower without the shower chair for the first time in months! I cannot tell you how happy this made me. I guess you have to have experienced these kinds of limits to truly appreciate being free again. I still have the chair in the bathroom, just in case I need it sometimes. But I am very thankful to finally be seeing real improvements.
What I would like to do for March is simple: calorie count every day, exercise 5 days a week. Nothing magical here, just more accountability and habit building. I have been too lax with myself and my body shows it.
Earlier this week, I sat with my needle and dark blue thread, mending those poor old jeans that had worn through in the inner thighs. I had to fix them, because they are the only pair of jeans that fit. Of course they are wearing out, since I am washing them constantly and wearing them daily, and as I sat stitching quietly, I knew it was a temporary fix. Looking at the fabric I could see that even if my sewing held, more and more areas of fabric were becoming thin and strained. But I stitched anyway. I thought about whether I could starve-diet myself down enough to fit into the next smaller jeans before these became unusable. I wondered if the weight would peel off quickly enough if I did something really extreme. Thoughts... stitches. I imagined going to the store and buying a bigger pair of jeans. I thought about why I am where I am, and how it felt when I was thinner, and all the things I ate to get to this size again, and how they are part of me now in a way that terrifies me. I finished the stitching, cut the thread and went to bed.
A few days later I slipped those jeans on and when I tried to zip them, the zipper broke. I mean it really broke... completely open and unfixable and unwearable. I guess all the pressure of my fat on that zipper day after day was just too much.
I wonder what that fat is doing to my internal organs, my body... my spirit. Well, I kind of know.
Now I am in yoga pants. But that's not going to fly when the weekend is over. I guess some jeans shopping is in my near future.
Today, I will bike.
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