I am annoyed beyond all annoyances.
It's looking almost like spring some days, and I want to be *out there* doing the things I want to do, and I can't yet, and although most days I feel hopeful and positive lately, today I am just SO over it. I am grouchy and kind of pissed off and impatient, partly because my last pair of jeans that fit, which are size 16, split a seam sometime between yesterday and today, and partly because I am once again PMSing. And another partly because I am SO BEYOND SICK of being this fat, but apparently not sick enough of it to stop going off plan a couple days a month, which is, and always has been, enough to negate all my efforts the other 90% of the month. So frustrating and so sick of this same old story.
Anyway, enough of the rant, you probably guessed I did not have the most inspiring weigh in this morning. Nope. It's been two weeks since I last weighed and I am up 2 pounds to 229.
The facts for the last 2 weeks:
week 1: biked 20 minutes, walked in the PT pool 40 minutes, walked quite a bit one day much to the detriment of my feet which are still achier than they were before that. Didn't count calories.
week 2: did not bike, walked in the PT pool 45 minutes, had a few days of counting calories but really didn't focus.
Yeah, screwing around, not focused, no results. Apparently the only thing that works for me is complete abstinence from trigger foods, sugar, baked stuff, fatty stuff, in other words all the things I like to eat. Okay, to be fair, over the past few years I *have* learned to enjoy fruits and vegetables and healthy proteins. But yeah, there is this ingrained desire to eat what I was raised on and I am pretty sure no matter how far removed I get from that, it is going to be there. There HAS to be some effect on formation of food preferences when you feed a baby/toddler ice cream, hot dogs, Cheetos, and other junk during all their formative years. I remember when I got into junior high and my mother didn't have time to pack my lunches full of chips and Ho Hos anymore so I got to buy school lunch. And of course my school decided to have a healthy choice: a baked potato bar. Except it had every topping you could imagine in that bar. And every day for 2 years, my weekday lunch was a big ol' baked potato loaded with butter, grated cheese, nacho cheese sauce, bacon, and sour cream. And occasionally I'd throw on some chili or pepperonis. That and a Coke or a chocolate milk, every day for two years, except on the days they made huge French bread pizzas loaded with cheese... Weekends were Fruity Pebbles, hot dogs, sliced cheese, potato chips, Coke, and a box of Kraft dinner... and don't forget the ice cream. Sigh. Those are still the foods I really want to eat.
Well, it doesn't matter now. I don't buy that stuff anymore, I am an adult in charge of my own intake, but I still get twitchy when a new restaurant comes into town or there is some new flavor of ice cream or someone wags a bowl of chips in my face. There is nothing to say here that I have not already said dozens of times on my blog. This week I am making some changes. No use in talking about it because I don't even know if I will be successful at it, but I cannot plod through life in pain weighing over 200 pounds anymore. No more.
A Message to Open my Eyes
6 hours ago