Sunday, February 23, 2014

So Freaking Ridiculous

I am annoyed beyond all annoyances.

It's looking almost like spring some days, and I want to be *out there* doing the things I want to do, and I can't yet, and although most days I feel hopeful and positive lately, today I am just SO over it. I am grouchy and kind of pissed off and impatient, partly because my last pair of jeans that fit, which are size 16, split a seam sometime between yesterday and today, and partly because I am once again PMSing. And another partly because I am SO BEYOND SICK of being this fat, but apparently not sick enough of it to stop going off plan a couple days a month, which is, and always has been, enough to negate all my efforts the other 90% of the month. So frustrating and so sick of this same old story.

Anyway, enough of the rant, you probably guessed I did not have the most inspiring weigh in this morning. Nope. It's been two weeks since I last weighed and I am up 2 pounds to 229.

The facts for the last 2 weeks:
week 1: biked 20 minutes, walked in the PT pool 40 minutes, walked quite a bit one day much to the detriment of my feet which are still achier than they were before that. Didn't count calories.
week 2: did not bike, walked in the PT pool 45 minutes, had a few days of counting calories but really didn't focus.

Yeah, screwing around, not focused, no results. Apparently the only thing that works for me is complete abstinence from trigger foods, sugar, baked stuff, fatty stuff, in other words all the things I like to eat. Okay, to be fair, over the past few years I *have* learned to enjoy fruits and vegetables and healthy proteins. But yeah, there is this ingrained desire to eat what I was raised on and I am pretty sure no matter how far removed I get from that, it is going to be there. There HAS to be some effect on formation of food preferences when you feed a baby/toddler ice cream, hot dogs,  Cheetos, and other junk during all their formative years. I remember when I got into junior high and my mother didn't have time to pack my lunches full of chips and Ho Hos anymore so I got to buy school lunch. And of course my school decided to have a healthy choice: a baked potato bar. Except it had every topping you could imagine in that bar. And every day for 2 years, my weekday lunch was a big ol' baked potato loaded with butter, grated cheese, nacho cheese sauce, bacon, and sour cream. And occasionally I'd throw on some chili or pepperonis. That and a Coke or a chocolate milk, every day for two years, except on the days they made huge French bread pizzas loaded with cheese... Weekends were Fruity Pebbles, hot dogs, sliced cheese, potato chips, Coke, and a box of Kraft dinner... and don't forget the ice cream. Sigh. Those are still the foods I really want to eat.

Well, it doesn't matter now. I don't buy that stuff anymore, I am an adult in charge of my own intake, but I still get twitchy when a new restaurant comes into town or there is some new flavor of ice cream or someone wags a bowl of chips in my face. There is nothing to say here that I have not already said dozens of times on my blog. This week I am making some changes. No use in talking about it because I don't even know if I will be successful at it, but I cannot plod through life in pain weighing over 200 pounds anymore. No more.


19 comments:

Louise said...

"No use in talking about it because I don't even know if I will be successful at it, but I cannot plod through life in pain weighing over 200 pounds anymore. No more."

What is there comes a time when you do have to accept this? Maybe instead of all the ultimatums and false starts you try on the idea of being happy where you are and at the weight you are? It's sad to see you wasting all this time and punishing yourself so much.
xo

Gwen said...

Lyn, have you ever seen a metabolic specialist/MD? It sounds like there might be something metabolically going on/wrong that you have to be so severe with your diet and yet still be in your 220's...

Just a thought.

Lyn said...

Louise~

I can see how it would come off like I am punishing myself... but it is more that this blog is the place I can express my frustrations about my weight. I don't want to stay at this weight because it is affecting my health, so I feel it is still prudent to try and get the weight off. Happy... well, like most folks I have happy days and down days. Today is particularly sucky.

Gwen~

I looked into it when I was unable to lose weight tracking at 1300 calories a day. I found there is no place within several hours who does metabolic testing (like BMR/RMR testing etc) and my insurance would not cover an endocrinologist. I have different insurance now so if my regular Dr wants to refer me it might be covered. Not sure if an endocrinologist is the right specialist... but that's all I could find locally. What do you think?

kathy said...

Hi Lyn :) I've been a long time reader of your blog and you inspire me very much with your commitment to weight loss. I have suffered from many different types of disordered eating over the years and can relate very much. I came across some information today which I thought might interest you from a talk on youtube. You may already have heard of this study as I notice from your blog that you're very well informed about health research but I thought I'd mention it just in case. The talk was based on this study in the J Am Board Fam Med (2012) "Healthy lifestyle habits and mortality in overweight and obese individuals."( Matheson EM, King DE, Everett CJ). It was a longitudinal study with a large sample that found people who engage in 4 healthy habits have the same life expectancy regardless of their size. These 4 healthy habits were not smoking, moderate drinking, eating 5 servings of fruit and vegetable a day and moderate exercise (30 mins walking a couple of times a week). It basically concludes therefore that healthy behaviours are what matters not weight. I just thought I'd mention that today as you seemed to be so hard on yourself about the weigh in, but I think you should give yourself more credit for engaging in these healthy activities which are extremely important in improving overall health even if you don't see results every week on the scale.

Thanks for writing your blog over the years, it has helped me more than you know. Best wishes to you x

JJ said...

I agree that we want to eat how we're raised. I was never allowed any junk, some koolaid but never Cokes, my mother ate bags of potato chips but the kids never got any. Food was measured out. I was so underweight taht I was the only kid at summer cqmp allowed a pass into the kitchen anytime.

In high school I got a hob and started buying my own food. At 5'10" and 155 I wasn't overweight but was out of control with food since I had never before been in charge of my own intake.

30 years later I find myself naturally going back to how I was raised, no craving for junk food since I never got it when I was a kid.

I know this doesn't help you but I just wanted to tell you I agree that there's always the tendency to want what we're raised with. Since you're aware of that you know what you need to fight against.

Gwen said...

Lyn, I think an endocronologist would be a good start. Are there any Functional Medicine physicians in your area?

Lyn said...

Gwen~

nothing my insurance covers. They mainly do hormone replacements and offer a meal replacement program similar to Medifast.

Vickie said...

I kindly suggest that you keep your numbers where they are supposed to be (calories and percentages) and get back to the place you just were (losing weight slowly). I am like you are - lose weight slowly and a day or two of really off eating can negate the rest of the week/month.

If you DO THIS - 100% consistent - and you do not loose weight - after several months - then you might consider looking for more answers.

I also suggest that you not travel or eat out.

Eat real food from home.

If you are thinking you have to be able to exercise (cardio on your feet) to lose weight, you don't. Food is said to be 80% of IT. I personally believe food is 99.9% of IT.

You also can be doing a lot of free weight work, ab work, things like bicycling your feet in the air., Pilates.

You can swim laps in a pool or tread water in the deep end (arms holding noodle over head adds a whole new level).

Lyn you will not believe how much better you will feel with weight off. You have been nearly there. You know.

And I repeat. I think you need a therapist, most of us do.

Lyn said...

Thanks Vickie, I appreciate the words of wisdom. Sometimes another perspective helps. Yours has.

timothy said...

I understand venting I really do but sometimes when you dwell on negative and put it out there it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I KNOW it's so easy to give you advice and much harder to "LIVE" it. but you have lots of things wonderful in your life with a few trials and tribulations (as does everyone) it's totally NOT fair that you can probably NEVER do the crap in moderation stuff others are successful with, I certainly cant. if I have one single bite of my trigger foods (bread/chips/pasta/rice) it's all over for a month and I've packed back on all my hard lost weight PLUS a few. food addiction is just like any addiction you simply must avoid what you're hooked on FOREVER. just hang in there darling, it may not be easy or fair but it's the hand life dealt you and you can still TRUMP it cause you have the skill and determination to do anything you set your mind to.............so it's just a matter of doing it. sending positive vibes/prayers your way!

Brianna said...

Lyn, it just boils down to how bad you want it, if you want it then you'll do what it takes to make it happen. I've lost 50 lbs myself, it wasn't easy, weight loss never is, plus I have PCOS which means I have blood sugar regulation issues, meaning that I crave sugar all the time. I had to get control of that before I could lose weight, I had to want it enough. Play around with your calorie intake and be strict about accounting for every single bite, for myself 1500 is the number it takes for me to see weight loss, I can eat more if I workout. I wear a heart rate monitor so I know how much I burned and then I eat half of that. You just have to eat less and move more, if you can't trust yourself to eat proper portions of pretzels, cookies, ect then just don't buy them. You don't hear of people overeating and getting fat on basics such as grilled chicken, fruit and veggies, stock your pantry and fridge with those. Have you watched 'Hungry for Change'? It's a documentary about the weight loss industry, it really helped me to see food differently, my mindset changed from dieting and thinking about denying myself, to "I can have it, I just don't want it" and that helped tremendously. You either do what it takes to buckle down and lose the weight or learn to be happy with the way you are now, to be in limbo like this sounds miserable

Steelers6 said...

Hi there, twinkletoes. :)
Have you used your light box lately?
Do you get in the mood to tear into the housework; cleaning, organizing, & such during monthly? I have, & it becomes a win-win. Boosts my outlook to purge some clutter.

Here's to a wonderful week! Hugs.
Chrissy

LHA said...

Lyn, I totally get how you feel! All of us have those bad days/weeks where we just feel we are spinning our wheels. I think it is very healthy to vent those feelings in your blog and hopefully your readers can offer some support. Just about everyone struggles with addiction to the very foods that are keeping us overweight and unhealthy, and it is very hard to overcome! Some days are just like that and all we can do is ride them out.

I thank you for blogging and being honest about your feelings. For myself, I try to look at each new day as at least a chance to get things right, so I hope today is that day for you....and me too! Try to remember that you even though you have been stuck in a rut for a while you have made progress over where you once were and we all know how easy it would have been to have regained everything plus more. So, hang on to your achievements and success and just continue to add to it. I am rooting for you!

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn, just a suggestion. Continue with healthy eating, find some subs for things you crave, keep with the moderate exercise. Hide the scale. Don't weigh yourself until after the foot pain has healed. It sounds like you are like me, and a bad number on the scale makes you depressed, etc. I do the "goal pants" thing, which helps me see how well I am doing and gives me something I can wear when thinner.

I've discovered that I can't really eat breakfast, and do better with a carby dinner (complex carbs, sometimes oatmeal). Give yourself more time! Its only been a couple of months...give yourself six months before you change your eating drastically!

Lynne said...

Have you read IT STARTS WITH FOOD? Have you thought about WHOLE30? Have you considered hypnosis? I was trapped in your kind of diet cycle for years - decades in fact - and now after a year+ I am on maintenance, following whole30 and feeling SO awesome. I don't have a scale. I let my pants tell me when I need to adjust.. I feel so free I want to share. I want you to feel better too!!!!!!

Marshall said...

Good luck! I just started Medifast in January, and have been looking for more blogs and insight from others, to help me work through the plan and change my habits. While I know this is a post in frustration, but reading things like this is helpful for me!

I've been blogging daily since I started, and the act of blogging (and weighing!) every day is helping to keep me honest.

Good luck!

Marshall

My blog, if you're interested in checking it out...
http://weightlossachievementunlocked.blogspot.com/

skinnyhollie said...

We're in the same boat, sister...

Only I'm about 50 lbs heavier than you.

When does it end?

CatherineMarie said...

Lyn, Just a suggestion, but can you make some healthier versions of the junk? So for instance, a french bread pizza with a whole-wheat baguette, low-fat mozz, a salad. Or an English muffin pizza or pita pizza. I've found that, as I cut down, less cheese actually satisfies me. Baked potatoes are not bad, just measure out the butter, etc you put on them, use a greek yogurt instead of sour cream, maybe add some broccoli and oven-baked bacon. There are options. I've found local gelato that quenches my ice cream cravings.... and is lower-fat with fewer ingredients. Maybe what you need is the healthier options for going off the wagon. How much have you been changing up your cooking? Boredom also leads to binging for me. If you have a smart phone, download clumsy ninja. Or find some puzzles to do, or something, so you have something to occupy yourself instead of going "CABIN FEVER"-ish.

16 blessings'mom said...

I am also in the same boat as you, and I also am not giving up. I have lost 70 pounds and regained 20. I fervently do not want to regain those other fifty, but I feel like I am beating my head against the wall sometimes. I have changed my eating habits, no more bread or simple carbs, but still pig out on chocolate chips or eat too many nuts sometimes. I am not giving up though. I have arthritis in one knee that makes walking and exercising very challenging, but I am not giving up. That's why I love love love your blog, because you have such a fighting spirit. You may get frustrated, but you will not give up. I also like how you are so gracious to your readers, even when you may not agree:)

Hang in there!

Della