As I sit in my recliner hour after hour, not because I want to, but because of the pain it takes to get up and walk, I look back over my six years of blogging and part of me starts to wonder: is there really an escape from obesity, for me? For the first time in six and a half years, I am seriously having doubts. All this time I've thought, well, I made it this far. I escaped *morbid* obesity. I changed my life, my habits, everything. I don't wear 3X shirts and size 26 jeans anymore and I honestly believe I never will again. And in 2010 I actually did escape obesity. I got there. I weighed 185 pounds when my BMI moved out of the obese category and into "overweight" and I went on to lose ten more. Three years later and I'm in a really bad place physically. I can't believe it. It's like a nightmare that won't stop.
I put on a brave face to the world. When I go out I smile, at least as much as I can remember to through the pain. I try very hard to do my usual things, but over the last 2 years it's become less and less. I go out less, I do less, because it hurts too much. And when I write here or talk to others about the weight thing, I try to find motivation and hope and all of that... to BELIEVE I can do this again, to truly know it is possible and all I have to do is do the work. But for the first time, I actually don't think so. Underneath the "I will do this" there is a person who is starting to accept that maybe I can't.
That doesn't mean I am giving up. It means, I guess, that my spirit is just... I dunno. Yes I am going to the doctor (again) and maybe a new PT (again) and yes I am eating well and trying to bike and I could be forcing myself to do more, lift weights and do a bunch of sit ups and everything but you know what, I have put my heart and soul and tons of effort into this SO MANY TIMES and failed, that I am starting to think that's all it's going to be, so why try? Why try.
I am not feeling depressed about it, I am just suddenly seeing the possibility that maybe I can't fix this. I never allowed that to be a possibility before. And now, it just seems I might be better off accepting that I am not going to heal, that something is wrong that they can't fix, and that I need to stop beating my head against a wall trying to... escape obesity. I guess.
I don't want it to be this way, but I am just not sure what else to think anymore.
I'll be letting this sink in a bit, thinking it over, but in the meantime I'm just plugging along with my diet and exercise... not because I think it will get me out of obesity again, but because it's the only thing I know to do to at least improve my health and well being in other ways.
I appreciate all of your support over the years, I really do. Thank you for all your comments, suggestions, thoughts, and prayers.
2 days ago