In order to accomplish anything, there has to be hope. To make progress, at least in my experience, hope is key. If there is no hope that things can change, that circumstances can get better, then there is no driver for effort to work towards any change. So that, I think, is where I have fallen short in the past 3 months.
Today I called and got an appointment with the ortho foot specialist. The appointment is at the end of March, over two months away. I have hope, though, and although they don't have a waiting list for cancellations, they said I could call "anytime" to see if there was a cancellation to get in sooner. So I will call every day until I get in.
Today I called to try and get in to the new physical therapist and was told I had to wait until the referral was done. I called the referring doctor whose office said I was at the bottom of a big stack and it would be a week or so. I asked again and they said "it is an emergency?" I told them no, it was not life threatening, but I am in a lot of pain. They decided to "push it through" and I should be able to call again tomorrow to schedule a PT appointment.
Today I choose to have hope that this will not be how it is forever. I choose to believe that one day soon, one day THIS year, I will be able to take a shower without sitting in a shower chair. I will be able to walk downstairs and get my OWN laundry instead of waiting for my son to get it for me. I will be able to do my OWN grocery shopping and errands instead of having others shop from my list. Yes, I am thankful I HAVE a shower chair, a working washing machine, and the stamina to go buy my own fruits and vegetables once a week, but I want the ability to do more... what I used to do. One day this year, I believe I will be able to walk my OWN dogs instead of having someone else do it for me. I will be able to stand up during my dog training classes rather than sitting on the sidelines watching most of the time. I will be able to go on my little mini vacations and trips that I used to so enjoy, but haven't had since early October when I fell. One day this year I will walk my daughter to school again. I will once again be able to enter the dog sports I enjoy. Yes, I am thankful I have friends who help me, children who care, and a good friend who called and offered me a wheelchair to use. But I want better, I hope for more, I want the life I had before and I will have it, whether it means surgery or months of rehab exercises or more shots or medications. Whatever it takes, I have hope that my pain has almost run its course. Two years in March, and that is enough.
You know I am not a super religious person. My daughter had been asking if we could go to church. So we have been going, and although at times I feel like an outsider, like I don't really belong, like I am not sure if I even want to be there, a part of me is soaking in the positive words, the faith, the energy of others. There is something powerful about being physically surrounded by people of faith, when your own has wavered. Maybe it is even healing, in some way.
I choose to have hope and to believe that this phase of debilitating pain in my life was just that, a phase, perhaps one that will serve as a reminder to be thankful for what I do have, for my health, for the ability to walk, and someday soon, for being pain free.
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