Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Weigh In

Well, I was sitting here eating sugar-free Oreos and thought to myself, "self, where are you going with this? What is going on with you?" I sat back and thought about my physical pain, my grief, my life.

I've been grieving and working through the numbness, the sadness, and the recovery for about a month and a half now. There's unresolved stuff I need to deal with, but lately I feel like I woke back up, right back in my life as it was before he died. Not the same because he is not here, but the same in most other ways. I feel like I am sort of 'coming to' and feeling my feet planted back in reality. If you've ever grieved hard, you know what I am talking about. Speaking of feet, there's still that. The pain, you know. The inability to walk much. That issue. Still here.

I have been pretty much ignoring my body for awhile... not in a neglectful way, but in an "I don't want to see it, I just won't look" kind of way. Not acknowledging I felt heavier even though the jeans became tighter. Not looking in the mirror when I walked past. The body felt like a shell and for awhile I didn't want to deal with what the shell looked like or felt like because I was dealing with all the internal stuff instead.

So anyway, I weighed, because I figure there is no point in continuing on like this. I saw 226 pounds. That is a gain of 8 pounds in the 6 weeks since my last weigh in. Part of me is like, "whatever," and has zero desire to make any changes just yet. Another part of me is waking back up and wanting to make some changes.

I'm just not sure which part of me is going to win yet.


MBreitel said...

Just be good to yourself right now, Lynn. Be kind and be gentle with yourself. This is part of grieving, that's all. I went through this over the summer after the death of my uncle.

Motivation leaves us all at various times for various reasons. When you're felling strong enough, or motivated enough, or energized enough to get back on the wagon, you will. You know it's inevitable. Just have patience with yourself right now.

Sending you love and support in the meantime. :-)

Anonymous said...

Haha. And this is why God created New Year's Day. :} I figure by then, the sane self will win out.


Karen said...

Ditch all binge foods, gluten. When you are ready get into an organized support group for accountability. Could be grief, binge eating, life coach or weight loss. Heather at Half Size Me has a low cost on line group.

Junk Food will not fix, soothe, or get your mobility back. Remove it. Your kids will live. Put yourself first.

Leslie said...

Good for you for checking in to just know where you are. It's hard to face whatever music is playing in the background, but I think it's important to at least be aware. For me, it helps me be more conscious of what it is I'm doing, and with awareness comes choice. Regardless of what choices we make, we can't claim "I had no idea", and that alone takes courage.

Hayley said...

I know what you feel, I had my lowest point during Thanksgiving. Just kept going back to my cheesecake and could NOT stop. No willpower whatsoever when carbs are involved.

Then I found a low carb diet website that has been gaining popularity in Sweden:


Basically it is Atkins all over again. But looks like its the only way of eating I can somewhat sustain long-term.

You should check it out too.

I will try it and let you know how I am going.

Lori said...

I know the part that will win eventually. It is the part that wants to be healthy. You'll do it. Don't rush through the grief. Doing so, will only create a rebound later and that will be worse. It is a horrible, no good, very bad thing that you want to be over. It will be, one day, probably just not as soon as you'd like.

Kathy Hagle said...

I just stumbled onto to your site. And from what I have seen I believe you can do it again don't loose hope. And give yourself time to grieve and heal.

MargieAnne said...

Hi. Weighing is always a big step when you've been off-plan for a while. A 6 pound gain might look awful but in truth considering all you are going through it's not bad at all. 3 good days and at least half of that will disappear.

Good to see you starting to make baby steps toward your new life.


timothy said...

when I read this I was sad but alas there is nothing I can do but be here if you need me. this post brought an old proverb to mind for me......................“The Two Wolves

A Cherokee elder was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, hatefulness, and lies.

The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, humbleness, kindness, friendship, generosity, faith, and truth.

This same fight is going on inside of you, and inside every other person, too.”

The children thought about it for a minute. Then one child asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf will win?”

The Cherokee elder replied…

“The one you feed.””

Lynne said...

Be kind - meaning, eat when you are hungry, not when you're not. Eat what will fill you up - healthy,good,nutritious. Your body doesn't "deserve" a sugary treat because it is the holidays. Food is not what the holidays are about. Move - even after surgery, they get you moving right away - pain or no pain. It will get better eventually. You can do this! You have done this! You know you deserve this and your kids do too! Happy Mom, Happy Kids!

Susan said...

Two natures beat within my breast
One is cursed, one is blessed
One I love and one I hate
The one I feed will dominate.

This is speaking of the child of God.