Well, I was sitting here eating sugar-free Oreos and thought to myself, "self, where are you going with this? What is going on with you?" I sat back and thought about my physical pain, my grief, my life.
I've been grieving and working through the numbness, the sadness, and the recovery for about a month and a half now. There's unresolved stuff I need to deal with, but lately I feel like I woke back up, right back in my life as it was before he died. Not the same because he is not here, but the same in most other ways. I feel like I am sort of 'coming to' and feeling my feet planted back in reality. If you've ever grieved hard, you know what I am talking about. Speaking of feet, there's still that. The pain, you know. The inability to walk much. That issue. Still here.
I have been pretty much ignoring my body for awhile... not in a neglectful way, but in an "I don't want to see it, I just won't look" kind of way. Not acknowledging I felt heavier even though the jeans became tighter. Not looking in the mirror when I walked past. The body felt like a shell and for awhile I didn't want to deal with what the shell looked like or felt like because I was dealing with all the internal stuff instead.
So anyway, I weighed, because I figure there is no point in continuing on like this. I saw 226 pounds. That is a gain of 8 pounds in the 6 weeks since my last weigh in. Part of me is like, "whatever," and has zero desire to make any changes just yet. Another part of me is waking back up and wanting to make some changes.
I'm just not sure which part of me is going to win yet.
You Can't Always Get What You Want
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