Friday, December 13, 2013

Trying

After my last post, I tossed out the sugar free Oreos and took stock of things. No, I'm not terribly motivated right now. My energy level is super low, a combination of Seasonal Affective Disorder, grieving, and having my movement so limited over the past several months. I would say right now, I feel as bad as I did before I started blogging... when I weighed 278 pounds. It is hard to get around (mainly due to pain) and I just feel very blah overall. In the past, when I've hit a slump, eventually I'd decide I needed to "do something about it once and for all" and then gather all my energy and go full steam ahead into whatever plan or actions I thought would get me out of the slump. But this time, I've been sitting in the slump for what feels like a very long time. And my motivation, even my desire, to change is very low.

There is a little nagging voice though, that tells me this is not how it has to be... that I deserve to feel better and my kids deserve a happier, healthier mother. I guess the thing that gets me most is the vivid memories of how I felt and how different life was at 175 pounds... or even 188 pounds, which was not so long ago. In 2010 and 2011 I weighed in that range most of the time and I can close my eyes and see it like a movie... but I can feel it too. I miss that. I miss being out in the sunshine playing on the playground, swinging with my daughter, roller skating, raking leaves... I cannot believe how much WORSE I feel now. It's kind of frightening. I did not feel this crappy on the way DOWN the scale. I just want to be able to walk my dogs and mop the floors. I just want to feel normal again.

I've adjusted my eating this week and cut out the little extras I was having. Sugar free cookies and candies seemed like a better idea than the sugar-filled ones, but I know they're not good for me either. I went back to oranges, Clementines, bananas and pomegranates for my sweets. I am making a focused effort to eat at least 3 servings of vegetables each day. I am doing that basically because I think it will help me start to feel better. That's my goal: to stop feeling so awful.

I am very glad it's Christmastime, because that in itself brings me joy. We went and got our tree, and now the house smells like fresh pines and the twinkling lights bring a peace and cheer to the living room. It will be nice to have a couple of weeks with the kids off school and not as many appointments and errands to run. And I'm looking forward to the clean slate of a new year, once more.

5 comments:

LHA said...

What you are trying to do sounds sensible and doable. You are not making any sweeping plans for dramatic weight loss or changes. You are just trying to get through each day eating as healthfully as possible. Bravo! I can't think of any plan more likely to help you slowly get back on track than this one. Good luck! I am pulling for you, and have a lot of confidence in your determination.

Jami Stakley said...

Lyn, I am so glad you got on the scale. I too have avoided the scale for the past month. I would never say I know how you feel because I don't. I do understand pain, anxiety, and grief. I understand eating for the wrong reasons and spiraling out of control.

You took a big step getting on that scale. I don't know what will work for you. My opinion (and that's all it is really) is low carb. For me it is the only thing that has controlled my appetite. It allows me to eat and feel satisfied. When I come off low carb, I binge, gain, and feel worthless. It is a cycle that perpetuates itself.

Do I have issues that are driving that behavior? Yes, and I am working on them, but I know for certain gaining weight damages my self esteem and makes everything feel worse.

That is my two cents. Please take care of yourself. I am really pulling for you. I hope you know how positive your impact has been. Many folks out there care about you.

Lori said...

Those 'blahs' are no fun whenever they come, and you have more reason than most to feel them. You are a strong and determined woman. I know that you will pull through this and be better on the other side.
Lori

Lyn said...

Thanks guys. Aside from the summer when I had those shots, this whole year has sucked. A lot of things happened, some shared on the blog and some not. I think it just drained me. Hoping for a better 2014.

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