I am feeling more like blogging, getting out, talking to people these days. I guess that's a good sign. When my mother died, it took me months... MONTHS... to feel remotely normal again, and then 9-11 happened and set me back quite a bit emotionally. In fact it could have been years before I was really recovered from her death. This is different. This friend was in my life on a regular basis, talking for hours, no conflict, just love. My mother was not; we rarely spoke and lived 3000 miles apart. But she was my MOTHER, so that is a very deep loss that yanks at your inner child so hard that you want to collapse like a lost toddler, crying for your mommy. It's like that when you lose a parent. Also, she died in my arms in a very non-peaceful manner, and that haunted me for a very long time. So while I miss my best friend terribly, I do not have horrible memories of his death. I was not with him when he passed. He was smiling when I saw him last. I know the last thing we said to each other. There is some peace in that.
I am probably not going to talk about this again.
Physical therapy is very painful. I am not finding much benefit in it lately so I think I will take a break.
Yesterday I could only bike 5 minutes, down from 10. Too much pain.
I go shopping once a week. It is an ordeal. Try something for me. Go to a regular sized grocery store. From the time you park your car until the time you are back in your car ready to leave, make every step no wider than a heel-toe walk. Meaning, when you take a step, your forward foot's heel should not be more than an inch ahead of your other foot's toes. And walk slowly... carefully. Sounds easy. Try it. Do all of your shopping like this. Up and down almost every aisle (you can skip the junk aisle). It is surprising how long a shopping trip takes like this, how exhausted you get, and how many people stare or try to whiz around you almost bumping into you. I realize this is just a small 'problem' compared to what many face; at least I *can* walk. But it is a humbling experience. Seriously, go do it. Then imagine trying to run errands like that: the bank, pharmacy, etc. It is kind of demoralizing, actually, and probably hasn't helped my mood. I am working on turning my thoughts around to the things I am grateful for.
My energy level is zero.
I want things to get better for me physically. Right now I am trying to muster up some kind of energy/motivation and the hope to fix this mess. I admit after a year and a half of foot pain and spending thousands of dollars on specialists, treatments, and medications, the whole thing feels hopeless. I do not know where to pull the energy from to do anything more. Praying a lot, and trying to feed myself nutritious foods. It's a start. Getting off the blood pressure meds is a more doable goal, so I am focused on that. I'm reading several books, including The High Blood Pressure Solution, working on dietary changes to try and lower my blood pressure naturally.
That's all for now.
Friday Update and Reality Check
1 day ago