Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Just Some Facts

I am feeling more like blogging, getting out, talking to people these days. I guess that's a good sign. When my mother died, it took me months... MONTHS... to feel remotely normal again, and then 9-11 happened and set me back quite a bit emotionally. In fact it could have been years before I was really recovered from her death. This is different. This friend was in my life on a regular basis, talking for hours, no conflict, just love. My mother was not; we rarely spoke and lived 3000 miles apart. But she was my MOTHER, so that is a very deep loss that yanks at your inner child so hard that you want to collapse like a lost toddler, crying for your mommy. It's like that when you lose a parent. Also, she died in my arms in a very non-peaceful manner, and that haunted me for a very long time. So while I miss my best friend terribly, I do not have horrible memories of his death. I was not with him when he passed. He was smiling when I saw him last. I know the last thing we said to each other. There is some peace in that.

I am probably not going to talk about this again.

Some facts:

Physical therapy is very painful. I am not finding much benefit in it lately so I think I will take a break.
Yesterday I could only bike 5 minutes, down from 10. Too much pain.
I go shopping once a week. It is an ordeal. Try something for me. Go to a regular sized grocery store. From the time you park your car until the time you are back in your car ready to leave, make every step no wider than a heel-toe walk. Meaning, when you take a step, your forward foot's heel should not be more than an inch ahead of your other foot's toes. And walk slowly... carefully. Sounds easy. Try it. Do all of your shopping like this. Up and down almost every aisle (you can skip the junk aisle). It is surprising how long a shopping trip takes like this, how exhausted you get, and how many people stare or try to whiz around you almost bumping into you. I realize this is just a small 'problem' compared to what many face; at least I *can* walk. But it is a humbling experience. Seriously, go do it. Then imagine trying to run errands like that: the bank, pharmacy, etc. It is kind of demoralizing, actually, and probably hasn't helped my mood. I am working on turning my thoughts around to the things I am grateful for.
My energy level is zero.

I want things to get better for me physically. Right now I am trying to muster up some kind of energy/motivation and the hope to fix this mess. I admit after a year and a half of foot pain and spending thousands of dollars on specialists, treatments, and medications, the whole thing feels hopeless. I do not know where to pull the energy from to do anything more. Praying a lot, and trying to feed myself nutritious foods. It's a start. Getting off the blood pressure meds is a more doable goal, so I am focused on that. I'm reading several books, including The High Blood Pressure Solution, working on dietary changes to try and lower my blood pressure naturally.

That's all for now.


MargieAnne said...

I never cease to be amazed by your courage.

Praying for a release from pain for you.


liz said...

Your feet will get better I promise I've been where you are. It just takes time : ) sorry but true

dlamb said...

It is believed that the most painful losses are those of people to whom we are the closest or with whom we have good relationships. In fact, recovery is most difficult following the death of someone with whom we have unresolved conflict, quite often a parent. This is one of the reasons why "role playing" is often employed as therapeutic tool.

Wishing you well, dear Lyn.

Lori said...

From what I understand about grief, the 'broken' relationships are much harder to process than the 'whole' ones. That makes sense knowing a tiny bit of the issues you had with your mother. At the same time, please don't rush the process. Grief will manifest itself somehow. If the emotions are pushed back too much, the physical body will ail. You don't want that to happen after all you have already been through.

Give yourself a break. Cry when you need to cry. Laugh without guilt when you feel like it, and rest.

I'm sorry that you have faced one issue after another for so long. I pray for peace in your heart.

JMT said...

Lyn, would you consider using a electric seated cart until you are feeling a little better? I tried to imagine walking though the store like that...I don't think I could do it! I sure hope you get to feeling better soon.. I hardly ever comment, but want you to know I'm praying for you.

~r. said...

im glad for you! glad you are feeling better!!!

Lyn said...

Thank you all.


yeah, I tried a cart once, that was a whole different kind of nightmare! I might try it again at a different store at a less crowded time. I'll just say driving those carts is not as fun as it looks! Also, having to stand up and sit back down over and over to reach everything is harder on the tendons that just slow walking, from what I can tell. Mostly I send other people out for my groceries... family members etc. But sometimes I go myself.

Vickie said...

Did not read the other comments, everyone might have said the same thing:

Use motorized cart at all large stores, go at very off times, so there are very few people (like middle of the night).

Do the rest of your errands utilizing drive up windows (bank, pharmacy, dry cleaners, etc.) even if it means switching companies.

Shop on line as much as possible. See if local stores have free delivery.