I am hurting, still, more than I have in many many years.
Aside from the awful settling of the once-sharp grief into a lasting, saddening, empty ache of loss, I am in the worst physical condition in recent memory. I am beat down by the exhaustion of daily pain. I don't know how to get out of this mess.
Physical therapy helps some. I was able to bike 9 minutes today with no resistance before the pain was too much. I am wearing heat patches on my back for the pain that's developed from sitting or lying down for hours each day. I am on blood pressure medication because the pain and lack of exercise has caused my blood pressure to shoot up to frightening levels. I have headaches every day.
I did not come here to complain, or ask for pity, or any of that. I came here to tell you what I am dealing with, and why it has become so hard for me to pull out of the double difficulty of both emotional and physical pain.
I have moments when I think I'd like to start counting calories or doing something else about my weight again... maybe start blogging about it again... weighing... working on it... but those moments are few and far between. I've made a simpler goal of not eating junk, not bingeing, and eating the best I can... staying off sugar and wheat because I don't need my pain aggravated by inflammation, eating vegetables and fruits and protein so my body has the best chance to heal. I force myself every day to do my physical therapy exercises and get on the bike for the allotted number of minutes. That's all I can do for now. And I want you to know I do read the comments, I did read every one, more than once, and was actually overwhelmed by the kindness and how many of you logged in and showed your faces when you hadn't before to leave me words of comfort. I need them, I do, and you are part of my healing. Thank you.
It has to get better from here. It has to.
Monday Babble and Dhammapada
2 hours ago