Thursday, November 21, 2013

Pain

I am hurting, still, more than I have in many many years.

Aside from the awful settling of the once-sharp grief into a lasting, saddening, empty ache of loss, I am in the worst physical condition in recent memory. I am beat down by the exhaustion of daily pain. I don't know how to get out of this mess.

Physical therapy helps some. I was able to bike 9 minutes today with no resistance before the pain was too much. I am wearing heat patches on my back for the pain that's developed from sitting or lying down for hours each day. I am on blood pressure medication because the pain and lack of exercise has caused my blood pressure to shoot up to frightening levels. I have headaches every day.

I did not come here to complain, or ask for pity, or any of that. I came here to tell you what I am dealing with, and why it has become so hard for me to pull out of the double difficulty of both emotional and physical pain.

I have moments when I think I'd like to start counting calories or doing something else about my weight again... maybe start blogging about it again... weighing... working on it... but those moments are few and far between. I've made a simpler goal of not eating junk, not bingeing, and eating the best I can... staying off sugar and wheat because I don't need my pain aggravated by inflammation, eating vegetables and fruits and protein so my body has the best chance to heal. I force myself every day to do my physical therapy exercises and get on the bike for the allotted number of minutes. That's all I can do for now. And I want you to know I do read the comments, I did read every one, more than once, and was actually overwhelmed by the kindness and how many of you logged in and showed your faces when you hadn't before to leave me words of comfort. I need them, I do, and you are part of my healing. Thank you.

It has to get better from here. It has to.

23 comments:

16 blessings'mom said...

Oh Lyn, I am so sorry. You are in my prayers. It isn't the time to worry about what you are eating, but I am extremely proud of you for keeping it together in that area, and not just giving up. Please know that there are so many people out here who care about you and are hurting with you.

Sincerely,

Della

Deniz said...

Oh Lyn, my heart goes out to you - just wish I could wrap you in 'goodness' and take away the hurt, both physical and emotional.
It probably won't seem true right now, but you will look back at what you've written here in the future and see what I see - the absolute determination and grit to get back to the life you love and being the person you love to be. And hopefully you'll be as proud of yourself as I am of you now.
Take care, dear lady. You are, as ever, a true inspiration.

Lori said...

Lyn,
It WILL get better. It will also take longer than you want it to. Deep losses like the one you experienced can take as long as a year to heal.

You are doing the right thing by trying to take care of your body but not giving yourself goals that you cannot attain right now. Continue to do the best that you can, and only you know that. Give yourself a great big break on all of the rest.

If you haven't done so yet, please google griefshare and see if there is a group that meets in your area.
Lori

JJ said...

I am so sorry Lyn. I hope you feel better soon. Are you sleeping OK?

I take 100 mg of 5-htp and some benedryl at night one hour before sleeping. Maybe try something like that?

I have experienced a lot of personal grief, lost 2 husbands and my best friend.

I can offer what has helped me.
Time and sleeping better.
I think there are grief message boards out there, I belong to a grief board about lost partners, but I'm sure there are more.

I lost my best friend in 09 and it took about 1 yr to feel almost normal again. I feel for you and I know you can get through this.

Darcy Winters said...

(((hugs)))
I know it doesn't feel like it, but the pain of your loss will lessen over time. For now - just acknowledge it and let it happen. Don't worry about the weight loss or the exercise unless you need that distraction to take your mind off your loss. Just let this time be for healing instead.

Char said...

Hi Lyn, I don't post very often, but I read your blog faithfully. I would like to send out my biggest sympathies to you. It hurts so much to lose a best friend. I lost my best friend 10 years ago, and sometimes the pain of that still can immobilize me. So hang in there, it will get better with time. I am thinking of you.

Catherine55 said...

My heart goes out to you, Lyn. I am sending a hug and much positivity your way. I can only imagine how difficult this time is for you.

erin said...

Oh Lyn, this makes me so sad. I truly, truly hope it does get better for you very soon.

Lyn said...

Thank you all very much. Your comments help.

MargieAnne said...

{{{{{o}}}}}

You are doing well. Keep on doing what you can.

Blessings

Vickie said...

Are you lying on your stomach, to give your back a break? That can help. Also ask your PT about lying backwards over something, like an ottoman or a stability ball to allow your spine to go the opposite direction. That can help too, but ask first. Be sure you are supposed to be using heat, because sometimes ice is recommended.

I am very sorry you are having such a hard time. Eating carefully and mindfully sounds very smart. Good, positive steps forward for you.

dlamb said...

Dear Lyn, it is so good that you are focusing on any amount of control you can exercise regarding your health, right now. You will build on that when some of the physical and emotional pain dissipates.
As always, wishing you the best of everything!

Christina said...

I am very sorry for your loss. Please know many folks are praying for you, and want to see you well. I hope the pain of your friend's passing will ease as time goes on. I am a long-time reader, and I have always been impressed with you . . . you seem like a truly kind and thoughtful person with a lot of strength and resolve.

dlamb said...

Dear Lyn,
Like several of your followers, I will renew my gentle plea that you consider seeking some supportive/crisis management focused therapy. It is not the first time you hear this from me: physical and emotional pain have a synergistic effect. I know this is presumptuous of me, but I suspect you may not have found the right fit with a therapist. This may be discouraging but in over 30 years of practice and thousands of patients, I can guarantee that many have tried several therapists before finding one that was the right fit for them.

If finances are an issue, perhaps you might try the Psychology dept. of a University, if one is nearby. You can be quite specific in your request. A 3rd or 4th year grad. student specializing in grief therapy may work for you. Also, Social Work Schools have some wonderful grad students! Both charge minimal fees and it does not have to be long term therapy.
In the event you have no access to a University that may offer such services, there are often research studies that seek volunteers with a specific presenting problem, in order to test a variety of therapeutic interventions. Not only do they not charge, but they pay a small fee for participation.

Whatever you decide, as always, wishing the best and I am truly sorry for all the pain.

~r. said...

I am sorry for everything you are going through. Please know you are still an inspiration to me. i just started my age 39-40 weight loss journey, and your archives help me a lot.

Bec Z said...

one day, one step at a time Girl....hang in there!

Mallory Pike said...

Your real-ness is so inspiring to me. You have been inspiring me for YEARS!!

LHA said...

You have got kind of a double or even triple whammy going on in your life right now. You are doing the best you can, it seems to me. You are just holding on one day at a time, trying to keep eating healthy and reasonable, and just getting through each day. It can be a long way back from a terrible loss like this, and you physical debilitation is certainly a complicating factor.

Be kind to yourself. I know you are also thinking of your children and your responsibility to them as you go through this very difficult time. They are the silver lining in everything, as the love and commitment you feel for them is one of the keys to finding your way back to a more normal life. I wish you luck, and improved health, and a way to find peace with your loss.

LeMira said...

I just found your blog today as I was looking for Medifast reviews.

I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you, although I don't know you, and I hope you can feel one little moment of peace and/or joy today in the midst of your grief. I know what it is to grieve, and to feel that gaping whole in your heart and soul. If I could, I'd give you a hug, instead, I hope you'll accept a virtual one. God Bless you!

volgrl said...

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling so much Lyn. I have been a reader for several years now, and have been amazed at the stops and starts we both have had at about the same weight. I was 20 pounds lighter last October, but lost my Dad this June and my mother has been fighting breast cancer. A lot of time at the hospital this year and stress made the weight easy to put right back on. Some days all we can manage is to get up, take care of our families, and get through the day. But I agree with you - it has to get better. Keep getting up and fighting for it... and it WILL get better. Big hugs and prayers for you. Hang in there.

Jess Krcmar said...

I have been reading this blog for a long time, but not sure I've ever commented. I just want to say that as someone who wants the best for you, I agree with previous commenters about seeking some help for your grief. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I can't even begin to imagine your pain. But you were really in a beautiful place in your own life, and now I fear a downward spiral for you, which is heartbreaking because I know you have it in you to keep fighting this fight. You CAN do this!!! I really hope you find some peace, some comfort, and some happiness again soon. Please know that your readers are here for you and cheering you on, always. Big hugs to you!!!

Lyn said...

Thank you all very much for caring enough to leave me a comment. Every one was read more than once and appreciated. Thank you for helping me through a very hard time.

Sheryl C. said...

My prayers are with you, Lyn. I also want to encourage you, while giving yourself a break from the pressure to lose right now, please don't give up the fight to at least hold your ground. It will be so much easier to get going again if you don't have additional weight to deal with when that time comes, not to mention the ill effect on your health and pain in the meantime. I know you know this, but if you are like me, it never hurts to be reminded and encouraged. I pray that you feel the arms of the God of Love wrapped around you and bringing you peace and rest.