Tuesday, November 5, 2013

One Funeral, Two Funerals

I am broken. He is gone, I will never get over it. He wouldn't want me to be this way, so I have to find a way to dig out and be whole again. I came back here to write, because writing is like therapy for me, getting things out that I cannot say with my voice, letting my thoughts get out without actually having to say what is too hard to speak.

A week of absolute grief. Funeral planning is hard. I keep turning around to call him for comfort because I am so shattered and then in the split second I remember he is not there to call anymore. I stare at his name on my phone and I can't delete it.

The funeral will be at the same chapel as the last funeral I went to... with him, alive, that time. That funeral was a huge wake up call for me, or so I thought at the time. It felt like it. I wrote about it here, about how sitting there at that funeral was a giant slap of reality that made me see how short and precious life is and made me take a good hard look at my own. I wrote about it more a few days later. And now I went back to look at those posts, because I am going to another funeral there, where I had that huge emotional sense that life is so precious. And now I look at it, and I feel like I wasted those 4 years, I didn't accomplish what I wanted to. I started to, I made progress, I changed what I was doing with my life, things were getting better, but now... a month into my injury, still almost as fat as I was back then, still sort of flailing...

I don't know what to do. I am so emotionally crushed. I want to LIVE because he didn't get to. He would want me to embrace life. I don't even know what I am saying now, but I hurt.

I logged in and saw that there are 57 comments waiting to be published on my last post. That surprised me. I haven't read them, I'm sorry. The first comment immediately after I made that post which I did read, was from an Anonymous person saying something hateful and I can't deal with it right now if there are some hateful words so I did not read any other comments. I am going to leave them unread for now and imagine that they are all words of kindness and support to lift me up, people praying for me, because I need it. Maybe after the funeral, when some time's gone by, I will go back and read and publish them. I'm sorry, the pain is just too, too raw for me to read a single hurtful thing.

Thanks for listening.

23 comments:

Rachel said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how heart breaking it is to lose someone you means so much to you. I pray that time will heal the hurt...at least a little.

Rachel said...

People can be so cruel when posting as anonymous...have you ever considered removing the ability for someone to post that way? Just a thought.

God bless you, Lyn!

Anonymous said...


Thank You for posting. You really are a brave person putting yourself out there for all of us. I appreciate you doing so during this vulnerable time.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for putting yourself out there, even during this vulnerable
time. You are totally an inspiration to us all, through all your struggles. You continually reinforce the point that weight loss is an ongoing issue not "lose the weight and you are done". That is what I have gotten out of your blog for the last few years.


Patty said...

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I know what you mean about looking back and noting how you had planned to change your life years ago, but it just never happened. I am dealing with that as well. I'm, lifting you up in prayer, and hope you begin to heal soon.

Sharon said...

Oh Lynn. You are so not alone. Prayers and hugs and positive thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Lyn, please don't worry about publishing the comments, or even going through them or responding if you think it will upset you. Your readers wanted to give you some support and express their sympathies, and I'm sure none of them expect you to reply to every single one. Think of the comments as virtual sympathy cards.

Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry about your friend.

MargieAnne said...

I'm so sad for you. Losing someone precious is never easy nor simple.

Sending a lovely big grandmotherly hug through cyber space. :)

Blessings

Deniz said...

Oh Lyn,
I just can't express how much I wish you weren't having to deal with this. All I can do from afar is offer support and send a Zen hug.
Take care dear friend and know that you are loved.
Deniz

Lori said...

Oh Lyn,
I am so sorry for your losses. Life can be so hard sometimes. Take the time to need to grieve, don't beat yourself up for feeling those natural feelings of sadness and loss. And leave the name in your phone without guilt. You'll know when it is time to delete it. If that time doesn't come for a very long time, that is OK. It is your phone, just like it is your grief. You have to work through it on your time table.

Google griefshare sometime and see if there is a group that meets in your area. It is a wonderful program that has brought healing to many.
Lori

Vickie said...

You might consider grief counseling if you find yourself 'stuck' in a terrible place for too long. It is one thing to experience it and move through the stages. It is another to sort of get stuck in the vortex.

And, for the zillionth time, I feel very strongly that you need to set your blog so you do not receive Anonymous comments. This sets a firm boundary. It is self protection and maturity for you and for them.

Grandma Karen said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you. Sending virtual hugs!

Diana said...

Oh Lyn, I can't believe some anonymous creep left you a hateful message on your last post. That is just plain mean and horrible. I really hate those anonymous creeps. I'm so sorry---if I knew who they were I'd go beat them up for you!

I hope you're feeling a smidge better when you read this. I've missed you very much. I wish you the best and that the pain will eventually lessen. Take care my friend.

Chautauqua said...

Lybb, I am so sorry for your loss and am asking the Universe to send you some peace and some energy to deal with this. My heart aches for you. Know that we are all with you on this one. and that although the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away, it is much closer than you think. Blessings on you, sending love and support.

tresponse said...

Prayers are with you. May God cover you with His Peace and Hope. Your heart must truly be broken. Don't give up. There's a reason you worked so hard all this time to better your health. It was never a waste of time. You might not feel like a "strong" person, but your blogs show otherwise. Continue to be strong. Continue to fight the fight. You need to stay healthy as you continue forward. With His help, this too can be faced.

OneSwede said...

I am SO sorry to hear / Read about your loss. Your blog carried me through some difficult weight loss stay on task days. You supported us and we are here for you now. Praying for you!!

Annie said...

Hey Lyn,
You got this, you will be alright.
I see it.
Annie

Dawn Darling said...

Yeah....life has a funny way of smacking us upside the head. Oddly enough, and similarly like seeing a horrific car accident, we easily fall back into lifelong bad habits. Perhaps you were given a second chance to reevaluate and see what's truly important (might not have anything to do with your weight loss journey--only you will know that). Life is full of second chances and I am sorry for your loss, but happy about the enlightenment that came with the grief.

Fondly,

Dawn

Leslie said...

Hi Lyn - I've been thinking of you often and hope you're moving along and beginning to emerge from the initial darkness of this loss. Take care of yourself. And I totally agree with Vickie about changing your settings to minimize the haters.

Peace to you and I look forward to your returning to blogging. There is a lot of REAL support here. Hugs -

Alanna Kellogg said...

Be well, my friend, be well.

dlamb said...

Dear Lyn, not that this helps at all, but you *know* the hurtful people are the ones who are the most deeply damaged. The need to strike back and display anger by directing it at others just comes with their baggage.
I am terribly sorry that your painful loss was followed by direct strikes at you. Take it for what it is: emotionally vulnerable people showing their desperation, anonymously. So brave, so gracious, so empathic, so worthy of respect and admiration...
Heal in peace Lyn and keep in mind that for every person who needs to hurt others in order to focus on somebody else's pain, there are many others who empathize sincerely and will support you during your difficult times.

Andy Edwards said...

lyn, i'm so relieved you removed the anomyous option from those mean ones, i used the anomous because i didnt know how to make a b account with my picture, do you have the steps for that?

Lyn said...

These comments really touched my heart. I came back to re read them. I am praying for all of you to have the peace that you left with me. Thank you.