I am very, very sad. Part of me does not care about this blog anymore. I am too overwhelmed with grief to care. Part of me is trying to care again.
I am still in a lot of physical pain. I am going to physical therapy twice a week and am finally able to walk again. I walk very slowly like an old woman. My physical therapist warns me not to take steps that are too far apart or too fast. I do what I can. It isn't much.
The physical therapist started me on the bike 2 weeks ago. Under her supervision, I was able to bike slowly with no resistance for under 2 minutes. I have limited flexibility at my ankle. She has me working up slowly. Yesterday I was up to 7 minutes.
I don't care about calories, or any of that. I don't care. I am trying to care. The days I counted were not so good... 750, 800 calories... one day was in the 1900's. I am not trying to not eat. I just don't care.
I had one day where I went on an autopilot binge. I was hurting terribly and found myself standing in the kitchen eating chocolate covered almonds right out of the jar, one after the other, not stopping, just shoveling them in... by the time I realized it, I had eaten about a cup, maybe even a cup and a half of them. I stopped when I noticed what I was doing. I recognized it from when my mother died, when I ate and ate and ate boxes of Tastycakes until I could not eat any more. It is a numbing technique... a defense mechanism... to bury the unbearable sadness with food. It doesn't work. So I stopped with the almonds, and I haven't done it again, even though at times I have wanted anything, anything to numb the pain. But I know how fast that can get out of control. So I don't.
I am trying to care and take care of myself and eat. I forget to eat and then my stomach is growling and I have a yogurt or a cup of soup to make it stop. Aside from that... well, I am here writing, so that's my way of trying to care again. What I do care about is people. I care about people, my children, my friends, animals too... everything else? Not so much.
Proclaimation of 'Nothing Else'
7 hours ago