Monday, November 18, 2013

Here

I am very, very sad. Part of me does not care about this blog anymore. I am too overwhelmed with grief to care. Part of me is trying to care again.

I am still in a lot of physical pain. I am going to physical therapy twice a week and am finally able to walk again. I walk very slowly like an old woman. My physical therapist warns me not to take steps that are too far apart or too fast. I do what I can. It isn't much.

The physical therapist started me on the bike 2 weeks ago. Under her supervision, I was able to bike slowly with no resistance for under 2 minutes. I have limited flexibility at my ankle. She has me working up slowly. Yesterday I was up to 7 minutes.

I don't care about calories, or any of that. I don't care. I am trying to care. The days I counted were not so good... 750, 800 calories... one day was in the 1900's. I am not trying to not eat. I just don't care.

I had one day where I went on an autopilot binge. I was hurting terribly and found myself standing in the kitchen eating chocolate covered almonds right out of the jar, one after the other, not stopping, just shoveling them in... by the time I realized it, I had eaten about a cup, maybe even a cup and a half of them. I stopped when I noticed what I was doing. I recognized it from when my mother died, when I ate and ate and ate boxes of Tastycakes until I could not eat any more. It is a numbing technique... a defense mechanism... to bury the unbearable sadness with food. It doesn't work. So I stopped with the almonds, and I haven't done it again, even though at times I have wanted anything, anything to numb the pain. But I know how fast that can get out of control. So I don't.

I am trying to care and take care of myself and eat. I forget to eat and then my stomach is growling and I have a yogurt or a cup of soup to make it stop. Aside from that... well, I am here writing, so that's my way of trying to care again. What I do care about is people. I care about people, my children, my friends, animals too... everything else? Not so much.

That's all.

22 comments:

Jeanette said...

Hi Lynn, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my dad unexpectedly last year (I was 30) and I was the one who found him. I was in a numb awful depressive grief for months and months. But what I DID do was go through the motions - I still ate well, still got some activity in (though less) BECAUSE 1) the people I love need me to be healthy 2) I didn't want my dad, if he could see me, to see that I was hurting myself because of him.

I am slowly healing my heart now, but am grateful I have a strong body to deal with all the emotional pain.

So please... please, for those you love and those you have lost, take care of yourself.

dlamb said...

Dear Lyn, I am sure you'll get this message from your multitude of followers: take care of yourself, but also, perhaps you may consider returning to therapy? Not re. the eating, at least not as a primary issue. You cannot be in this kind of physical and emotional pain and not benefit from somebody who is there JUST FOR YOU. Supportive therapy. Please give it a thought.
I wish you well, as always and I am sorry, truly sorry. As for the blog, do only what you need, to bring peace and joy and healing to your life, especially now.

ishouldbefull said...

Lyn, I know how much pain you are in and I wish there were something I could do to help you. But, unfortunately, I know all too well that there is nothing that can be done but to get through this as best you can. The knowledge that this will pass is hollow and meaningless while you are in the throws of grief, but it will end. Day by day, little by little things will get incrementally better until one day you don't have to think about getting better, you just are.

I'm thinking of you. Sending positive thoughts your way. No matter how alone you feel you are not alone. Take care of yourself. You matter so much.

Hallie said...

Hey. I have been gone a long time so I missed this. I also had a setback this year that really set back my physical well-being and when I was down it was hard being down and it made me very glum and sometimes morose. Sounds like you've been set way back it also sounds like you're making great improvements! I will have to go back and try to find out what happened to you. 1900 calories doesn't sound like a killer to me - in fact, if your body is engaged in repair maybe a few extra calories isn't such a terrible thing. I don't know - all encouraging comments sound the same, don't they? I just hope you feel better and don't be too hard on yourself.

Vickie said...

You need to call your therapist and start going again.

There is a quote and a link on my sidebar, I just added them last week, so at the top. I think that is what we each have to learn.

When I got to the point I could stay an even 5, all the time, no matter what happened, I knew that even it never got any better, that even-ness was key.

I now stay about an 8. I have had a few dips down to a 3-4, but I am able to turn them around and they do not happen often.

Your therapist was a little quick to dismiss you. It takes a long time to work on all the pieces. And when things come along, like you have had recently, it is tricky to stay balanced. But that is exactly when we need the most even-ness we can manage.

And for heavens sake, turn off the anonymous feature immediately if you have not already done so. That is part of staying even and having good boundaries and self help practices.

Ann Wilson said...

I am so sad to hear of your pain and sadness. Not much I can do to help, but I did witness. Best wishes.

Deb Willbefree said...

It's progress, Lyn. Deep grief takes time to walk out of. Go easy.

Deb

MargieAnne said...

First of all you need a great big cyber hug. Sending one right now. [[[[[O]]]]]

My heart goes out to you. A broken heart is not easily mended.

Times like this we need to know that God loves us and cares about how we feel and understands why we feel the way we do. We need to be willing to let God begin to work His magic too.

There are children who love you. There are friends who are concerned for you. You are not alone.

We all have a choice. We can allow the grief to completely overwhelm us or we can live again because that's what we have to do, if not for ourselves for those who still need us.

I hope you can find the courage to take a few minutes to lean into God and share your grief with Him.

Nothing will be easy with the physical pain dragging you down too. I am so sorry you have to struggle through this too.

I hope you can find the courage to make some good food choices today.

I hope you have the courage to dare to laugh with one of your children today.

When someone special is lost to us there is a feeling of abandonment. There's only one way through. Face up to one's real feelings and decide that those feelings cannot rule life forever.

These words will seem harsh but you can do it Lyn ... you can live again ..... It's normal to feel the sadness of loss but it will become part of the rich fabric that is your life. You will be a better person as you continue to face your feelings and learn to live again.

This is possible and it is essential for your family.

Sadness and joy are part of the fabric of life we all live with.

Blessings

Rachel said...

I know first hand that there is very little someone can say or do to help ease the pain and grief you experience after losing someone you love, but I really like this quote...it provided hope for me in the darkest hours. It's from Memoirs of a Geisha...

“Grief is a most peculiar thing; we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.”

Annie said...

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and know that there are so many people out here who care about you and are rooting for you. We're here when you're ready to come back to the blog - if you're not ready to write, don't force it. Be with your family, fill up on love, and let yourself grieve however you need to. I know how stupidly impossible it seems now, but you will find a way to make it through.

Karen said...

Could you access a grief counselor and/ or a ED counselor?Hang in there and ditch the junk food. Get it out of the house. Tough times. I feel for you

LHA said...

Lyn, you have had a terrible shock, a terrible loss. Binge eating is not the answer, but it also is probably not the right time to try to diet. Once years ago I went through something similar in its devastating effect on my life. I went for therapy to get over the grief and depression. I purposely chose a therapist who I knew specialized in eating disorders, hoping to kill two birds with one stone and get my weight under control. She wisely told me "Now is not the time to deal with weight or food issues. When you are less depressed and more back to normal we can address those issues." She was right. I had much work to do just to survive the next year of dealing with my life situation and eating was the least of my problems.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that time will help heal some of what you are feeling now. I am sorry for your loss.

jaymn said...

I'm glad you're back....I'll pray that you can get through this tough time. I know what its like to feel like you just want to give up on everything but you will find the strength you need. You are strong enough. God bless you.

Linda A. Janssen said...

With the loss of your dearest friend, your world has been turned upside down. You have been through a lot, and you know there's still more to get through. Your caring about family, people, your animals IS a good sign. You will carry your hurt and sadness and grief with you, but you will survive. Step by step. Your injured ankle/feet are showing you a physical manifestation of what you can handle right now: tiny step by tiny step. Don't despair, small steps lead to bigger ones, and eventually to leaps and jumps and dances and twirls. It takes time, care and hope that there is something better than this. And there is. You care, you will have hope, just give it time. Rooting for you - Linda

Deedah said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what it's like to be so overcome with grief that you don't care about life at all anymore. My father died suddenly over the summer, and I too find that the only thing to take the edge off the pain is food. Not smoking, not drinking, not lashing out, but eating. I've tried the other things and more, but the pain is only numbed by food. Especially sweets. I undertand how you feel. Because for me, I don't care anymore because no matter what I accomplish and no matter what happens to me, good or bad, from here on out, my dad won't be here to see it, be proud of me, or even be disappointed. So what's the point, right? Anyway, just want to let you know that you're not alone or doing anything bad. It's the nature of deep mourning.

Jamie said...

So sorry for your loss and the emotional pain you are in, there are no words for grief.

Lori said...

Lyn,
You are in one of the hardest parts of life right now. It is hard to care about anyone or anything. At least you care about people. Give yourself a great big break on this. Just do what you can.

Also, recognize the victory you had when you realized you were binging and stopped! You haven't since. That is huge.

Allowing yourself to feel this pain and hurt through it is a tremendous victory even though it doesn't feel like it right now.
Lori

kathyj333 said...

I'm so sorry you've had such a bleak time in your life. Know that people do care about you. It's hard, I know. But remember we do care.

spiritualcreaminess said...

I hear you say "I'm trying to care" in the post. That is a huge positive! Sometimes a binge at the cupboards (almonds) or physical challenges (pain, limited flexibility) happen to all of us. You are still an amazing person! Keep holding on to that desire to care, it will stay with you through the dark times and help you climb out.

that TOPS lady said...

I haven't read any blogs in a long time, so I am out of the loop, but I want to send you this (((((hugs)))) and say "I care".

Kira said...

I am so, so sorry. Grief is exhausting and all-consuming. You are in my prayers.

Lyn said...

Thank you all, SO much.