Somewhere along the line, I lost my will to do this, again. By 'this' I mean truly work and focus on weight loss, knuckle down and make losing weight my priority and set aside any and all reasons/excuses to NOT make it happen. I had a resolve, before, that only wavered occasionally. But I always got myself right back on track. It was really important to me to lose weight and I worked hard to lose it.
Maybe that first 20-month stall was a sign of the underlying problem. I'd gotten down to 214 pounds by exercise and calorie counting, but then spent nearly 2 years working to get any lower. I still tried every day, I still exercised and counted calories and tried various methods to get the weight off but I DID NOT LOSE. I was still binge eating. And even if you do everything right 85% of the time but binge 4 days a month, the net is not pretty. For me, it's a stall. For me, it was lose a few pounds in 3 weeks, gain it all back in 2 days. Until I started Medifast, I was stuck in that struggle and cycle.
It was late October 2010 when I finally reached 100 pounds gone, and in November I hit my low weight of 175 pounds. But by July 2011, I'd been struggling around the same 10 pounds, over and over, and weighed 181. I have not seen a weight anywhere near then since.
So it's been 3 years since I was 175, and it's been 2 years since I was 190 or less. Two years. Another huge 'stall' like the 20 month stall I had before... but with a 20-30 pound gain tacked on. Only this time, it wasn't about binge eating. It was probably about not caring enough. That, and a slower metabolism, and the restricted activity due to foot problems and injuries for the last year and a half. I kept trying different approaches for a few months at a time. I never have gotten the results I expected. And somewhere along the line, as I said, I lost the will, the drive, the desire to do this anymore.
Yeah, I have those days or weeks or moments of "I need to get this weight off! I have to do something!" But it's not enough to carry me anymore. I am tired. I have been at this for over six years straight. My spirit is tired.
Sometimes I think all I need is one more good boost of desire and energy to work at it, and then the momentum will get me going and the motivation will come and the weight will come off once and for all. And other times, I just feel so done with all of it.
Maybe getting off, and keeping off, 60 pounds is enough.
I don't know.
I did come to write this out, though, rather than just stop posting and give up entirely. I am not giving up on my HEALTH even if I am exhausted from the weight struggle. I am not sure where I am going with this, but my heart's not in a diet, or a "lifestyle change" or whatever you want to call it anymore. I have changed my lifestyle enough. I dropped fast food and soda and, for the most part, sugar and gluten. I have kept up the habits that have let me stay 60 pounds lighter... like drinking lots of water, dropping milk from my diet, having my coffee black, eating lots of vegetables from the farmer's market and trying to eat locally grown foods as much as possible. I've lowered my fat intake and changed to healthier sources like avocados and salmon and olive oil. All of those changes are things that are permanent in my life.
But maybe it's enough.
My goals for this winter season, in regards to my health are:
be able to walk a block at a normal pace by spring
continue biking 10 minutes a day and increase as allowed
continue lowering my sodium intake, eliminating caffeine, and keeping fat low so I can reduce or get off of my blood pressure medication
see if 100% sugar and gluten avoidance helps reduce my pain
stretch and gentle lifting to reduce and hopefully eliminate back and shoulder pain
I will reevaluate in the spring. But right now my quality of life is not what I need it to be, and that is what I am working on. Removal of pain. Getting back my mobility. Lowering stress.
Thank you for the kind support. October and November were awful. December is going to be better.
Monday Babble and Dhammapada
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