Friday, November 29, 2013

Enough?

Somewhere along the line, I lost my will to do this, again. By 'this' I mean truly work and focus on weight loss, knuckle down and make losing weight my priority and set aside any and all reasons/excuses to NOT make it happen. I had a resolve, before, that only wavered occasionally. But I always got myself right back on track. It was really important to me to lose weight and I worked hard to lose it.

Maybe that first 20-month stall was a sign of the underlying problem. I'd gotten down to 214 pounds by exercise and calorie counting, but then spent nearly 2 years working to get any lower. I still tried every day, I still exercised and counted calories and tried various methods to get the weight off but I DID NOT LOSE. I was still binge eating. And even if you do everything right 85% of the time but binge 4 days a month, the net is not pretty. For me, it's a stall. For me, it was lose a few pounds in 3 weeks, gain it all back in 2 days. Until I started Medifast, I was stuck in that struggle and cycle.

It was late October 2010 when I finally reached 100 pounds gone, and in November I hit my low weight of 175 pounds. But by July 2011, I'd been struggling around the same 10 pounds, over and over, and weighed 181. I have not seen a weight anywhere near then since.

So it's been 3 years since I was 175, and it's been 2 years since I was 190 or less. Two years. Another huge 'stall' like the 20 month stall I had before... but with a 20-30 pound gain tacked on. Only this time, it wasn't about binge eating. It was probably about not caring enough. That, and a slower metabolism, and the restricted activity due to foot problems and injuries for the last year and a half. I kept trying different approaches for a few months at a time. I never have gotten the results I expected. And somewhere along the line, as I said, I lost the will, the drive, the desire to do this anymore.

Yeah, I have those days or weeks or moments of  "I need to get this weight off! I have to do something!" But it's not enough to carry me anymore. I am tired. I have been at this for over six years straight. My spirit is tired.

Sometimes I think all I need is one more good boost of desire and energy to work at it, and then the momentum will get me going and the motivation will come and the weight will come off once and for all. And other times, I just feel so done with all of it.

Maybe getting off, and keeping off, 60 pounds is enough.

I don't know.

I did come to write this out, though, rather than just stop posting and give up entirely. I am not giving up on my HEALTH even if I am exhausted from the weight struggle. I am not sure where I am going with this, but my heart's not in a diet, or a "lifestyle change" or whatever you want to call it anymore. I have changed my lifestyle enough. I dropped fast food and soda and, for the most part, sugar and gluten. I have kept up the habits that have let me stay 60 pounds lighter... like drinking lots of water, dropping milk from my diet, having my coffee black, eating lots of vegetables from the farmer's market and trying to eat locally grown foods as much as possible. I've lowered my fat intake and changed to healthier sources like avocados and salmon and olive oil. All of those changes are things that are permanent in my life.

But maybe it's enough.

My goals for this winter season, in regards to my health are:

be able to walk a block at a normal pace by spring
continue biking 10 minutes a day and increase as allowed
continue lowering my sodium intake, eliminating caffeine, and keeping fat low so I can reduce or get off of my blood pressure medication
see if 100% sugar and gluten avoidance helps reduce my pain
stretch and gentle lifting to reduce and hopefully eliminate back and shoulder pain

I will reevaluate in the spring. But right now my quality of life is not what I need it to be, and that is what I am working on. Removal of pain. Getting back my mobility. Lowering stress.

Thank you for the kind support. October and November were awful. December is going to be better.


17 comments:

Colleen said...

I understand completely. I was kind of where you are for many years. I had lost 60 pounds, gained 60 pounds, lost 60 pounds again, gained 70 pounds, lost 60 pounds again, gained 100 pounds and I was done. Nothing could entice me to even try anymore. My health got worse and worse and 10 years went by but I finally decided to have the bypass. I am only 3 months out, down the magic 60 pounds but I do feel now that I am different and this is going to be different. Time will tell but I just wanted to tell you that your honesty is so refreshing and that I am going to be praying for you. You have done an awesome thing keeping off so much weight!

Karen said...

Lyn, I totally get what you mean. This has been my cycle as well. My lowest adult weight was 159 (right before my wedding in 1980!). I have hit 175 a couple times but in the last 20 or more years 234 has been my lowest. I don't know what robs us of our incentive and focus...or how to get it back. Its just such a struggle. But to not struggle for me would literally mean me getitng up to 400 or more pounds. Even if my struggling never lets me get out of the 240s, I try to see that as success compared to being 350 or 400. Hang in there. Things are going to get better. You are the strongest woman I know.

LHA said...

Even as I read what you wrote, I had the feeling that things will change for you once again. Your spirit is strong, even though you are tired of the fight. There is something in you that will not give up seeking better health and a better life.

Like you, I have had so many ups and downs and have worked over and over to find a permanent solution to my weight issues. I have gone from normal weight to obesity many times over. Sometimes I look at someone who is slim seemingly without effort, and I wonder what that would feel like.

Good luck on your journey. One day at a time you will find your way. You are right to recount the positive changes you have made, and just hold onto those victories as you march forward. Better days are coming.

~r. said...

this is what worries me. i have lost 10 of what i want to be 100 pound weight loss, but i *really* want to veg with a good tv series marathon, a bag of doritos and a tub of full fat sour cream. *shrug* it's just what i look forward to and makes me happy. is that so wrong?!

am i just going to go back up the roller coaster once i take it all off? i sure hope not, but i feel like it's what in my future.

this has always stopped me from really trying to lose weight. until now. i see my grandmother's diabetic neuropathy and blindness and know that WILL be my future if i don't watch it. (but i still want to veg out!)

what i have seen about you though, you have great habits. i like reading stories about you bringing healthy food to the county fair instead of eating the funnel cakes and other unhealthy country fare.

you have done good, you need a break. maybe you can start again....maybe not. you are a success already, don't worry about this right now. take a step back, and take a deep breath.

that TOPS lady said...

You have great winter goals. :) (((hugs)))

Lori said...

Lyn,
I so could have written that same post so many times. At one point, I'd lost 92 pounds and I regained all but about 45 in spurts. I'd regain 10 or so and then struggle to get it back off when something would happen and I jump another 5 or 10 pounds. It is exhausting mentally and physically. I keep searching for that just right plan, but haven't found it.

I've adjusted my attitude to a very rate of loss only to continue to gain. It is hard. I get it. From reading what you eat and what you don't eat, it seems to me that eventually the weight will come off. Probably much slower than you would like and maybe even hard to notice at first, but it should happen.

You remain in my prayers.
Lori

Deb Willbefree said...

Hey, Lyn.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. My computer is running for now, but repeatedly freezes up-so we'll see if I get this comment completed. :}

I'm going to respond to this post and your last one here to not tempt the computer capriciousness currently at large.

First, I was so pleased to see your "Thankfulness" post. I was praising God as I read. God has clearly come along side of you during this time--and you have let Him. :) One step at a time, Lyn, one step at a time.

This post. Of course, you know that I totally get this post--having written a version of it several times myself. :{

I understand the feeling and the need to just lean back a bit...along with the frustration and the need to quit feeling like a failure, to just feel okay.

I have a suggestion, tho. While your listed goals are sound--VERY sound--I suggest you pull back on you "til spring" end date. Consider doing it for the rest of the year and reassessing on December 31st.

Spring is a very long time away. Damage could be done...

Hugs, Girlfriend. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. :D

Deb

Phoenix said...

You are awesome. Just wanted you to know that.

Moosecat said...

Blessings to you Lyn. xx

erin said...

Man, I really really get this! I started my weight loss "journey" or whatever you want to call it January 21, 2008. Almost 6 years ago. I was 261 pounds. Now, almost 6 years later, I am at 186 pounds. I am still not at my goal weight of 160 pounds. I got there at the end of last year, thanks to a newly diagnosed chronic condition. Then I spent most of this year trying to get better, and a combination of medication and depression and a lack of caring resulted in me ending up at the highest weight I've been since I had my daughter over two years ago. And I find myself fighting between wanting to just say enough is enough and wanting to keep trying for fear of what will happen if I stop.

Praying for you, Lyn. You are not alone.

Deniz said...

# Removal of pain.
# Getting back mobility.
# Lowering stress.

Hey, these are three great goals, and well worth aiming for.

I'd add just one more...
Look after Lyn, love her, nourish her spirit and be kind to her.

Take care, take it gently and have a peaceful Christmas - you need it. Look forward to hearing from a rested and settled Lyn when you re-evaluate in the New Year.

Vickie said...

The weight is the part we can see.

It is (usually, often) an indicator there are things in our lives that need fixed.

The fat and the food are the just the parts we can see, so we spend a lot of time in the 'diet' process thinking the answer is there.

The answer usually involves a lot of inner work, on seemingly unrelated topics.

As we live our lives through all our weight ups and downs, we ARE doing the best we can. As mothers as women as wives as friends. We do our best.

But that is not the same as the best there can be, not the same as the best for us.

And I think we (often) confuse those two bests when we are stuck in our inner cycles.

Yes, we still have to watch what we eat. Food is 99.9% of actually getting the weight off our bodies. But the self sabotage element and the cycles that we follow, are inner work related.

I repeat - I think your therapist was very quick to dismiss you (which undoubtedly means that is not at all the right therapist, I am still with mine, many years later).

If you look around at who is very EVEN/Content/happy/centered and has been in maintenance for a long time, most of us have been working with therapist who specialize.

kathyj333 said...

Do whatever it is you need to do to take care of yourself. We will all be her for you no matter what.

Casey Frawley, RN, CBN said...

Lyn,
Your post is like many I've heard in the past and it truly breaks my heart. A little about me...other than my most important job as a mom of three, I'm also a registered nurse and former weight loss surgery program coordinator. I have also battled with my weight in the past and have the daily struggle of trying to maintain. I'd love to share with you some things that have really helped me. I have a meal plan, grocery list, and other tools that may be a benefit to you. Please let me know if you are interested and I can email you the material. My email address is cfrawley5@gmail.com

Praying for you
Casey Frawley

Honib1 said...

I believe you can do anything you want.. I believe anyone can do anything they want .. its all about the choices we make.. sometimes the road get so stiff and bumpy .. that we just have to pull off for a bit and regroup... I hope you know that the value of you as a human is not based on the sum of your pounds but on the content of the person that you are on the inside.. or as a great man once said... Content of your character... Do what you need to do.. so you can find your way to the place you want to be.. Live life... and do not aim for a perfect life.. I think that's kinda hard..

Lyn said...

Thanks all. I appreciate the thoughts. Casey, I sent you an email, thanks.

DZ said...

Dear Lyn, I found your fantastic website whilst cruising 'round the web in search of low carb recipes - you had an astounding list of amazingly yummy and comfort-food types (that I simply ADORE) but beautifully tailored to become low-carb. Thank you so much for the meatloaf recipe, which I fiddled with a little and was the bomb! I only recently read your latest blog posts and I truly am sorry for your loss. But please do know that you are a source of inspiration for healthy living, inside and out (something which I have only recently started to incorporate in my life). Thank you and may 2014 bring happiness and joy to you. Love DZ from Malaysia <3